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Sat, 07/23/2011 - 16:10
Sat, 07/23/2011 - 16:54
#2
UR STORY SUCKS AND U SUC --
UR STORY SUCKS AND U SUC -- Oh, not that kind of flames. My apologies.
It's really well-written! Don't stop!
Sat, 07/23/2011 - 16:59
#3
Great title.
Great title.
Sat, 07/23/2011 - 17:23
#4
The only problems really
The only problems really visible (without being picky) are the mass amounts of sentence fragments. Its like a book exploded and your story is just a bunch of shrapnel. Being more picky, it should be "an energy bar" and the last sentence is strcutured badly though its easy to see what you're saying. There's also a small issue of changing from 3rd person to 2nd person in the opening paragraphs.
Sat, 07/23/2011 - 17:29
#5
Some parts don't seem to flow
Some parts don't seem to flow well and lack logical connections.
For instance, why would the the over-seer mainly be responsible for fights that break out and people getting hurt? One would assume those two things to be rare occurances so it makes no sense to have the main leadership for the operation be responsible mainly for something that rarely happens. Unless of course the workers are prone to getting in fights, but that is never explained.
Also if you used energy storms which appear to be indigenous to Spirulus Prime, how will your spaceship recharge while on its journey? If you stored all the energy before you start the journey then why do you need energy rod specifically for your spaceship? Wouldn't Spirulus Prime already have enough of those generating enough energy?
Sat, 07/23/2011 - 17:54
#6
I could put on my reading
I could put on my reading glasses and pick at it, but I'm too lazy and haven't really criticized people's writing in ages, although I'll mention the few things that struck out at me:
1st Vs 2nd person perspectives - Keep it consistent. Don't use one perspective (i.e: the first part using 2nd person (You see, you hear, etc)) and switch to a different one (i.e: 1st person (I saw, I ate, etc)). Each perspective has a different way of telling the story, as the focus of the story is limited to what perspective you use. If you're going with 1st person, your story is limited only to what the character experiences and keeps a more personal (immersive) tone that a person watching them cannot perceive (like thoughts or feelings of a bad butt itch). 3rd person encompasses a larger part of the story, keeping a 'theatrical view' of the events and most of the time works best if 1st person is too limiting in terms of telling the whole story. 2nd person (and I personally hate this) is putting you directly in the story, with your actions apparently being dictated all throughout. I haven't read many 2nd person stories I actually enjoyed (apart from 'Choose your own path'-esque books, but those actually give you options to alter the story rather than play it as intended).
Proofread - You might be using Word or Spellchecker to iron out mistakes, but its no excuse to not proofread your work. There are always small mistakes that can slip through both filters that will be obvious to your readers (i.e: "He is instantly swarmed be a troop of giant horrors on fire." I'm assuming 'be' is supposed to be 'by')
Read - Read a few books and get a better feel of writing. Writing is as much of an art as anything, being able to create an enviornment and set the tone of it with words. Don't use the same sentence structure- it gets tiring to read real fast (I did this, I did that, I am a Ishbu). Try refining your sentences. Most of the small sentences can be condensed into one larger sentence that isn't as jarring to read with the excessive amount of periods. If there is too little to write, add a bit more to it. Take more time to describe the scene, the character's feelings, their view of the world, etc. Don't write every little action (ie.: I walk up to the counter, take a bite of food, put it down, step outside) and focus on what would be relevant to the reader.
I could also complain about the format, but that's me being elitist. It does look like the beginning of an interesting story, if taking the time to do some tweaks with your writing, it can be even better.
Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:34
#7
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Sat, 07/23/2011 - 19:56
#8
lol I thought this would be a typical flame war topic
Cool story, bro! (lol easy meme is easy)
Everybody above me already said what you should do to improvise your story, so I don't have much to add, except for one thing I remembered after I read/saw "giant spaceship called the “Skylark”, which would transport out people to distant worlds to colonize. Our home planet is running out of resources, so we need to find a new place to settle before we run out.": OMG PHANTASY STAR ONLINE! Now I'm going to play it, thanks for the nostalgia lol.
Sat, 07/23/2011 - 20:05
#9
OMG the Pioneer II? YES! lol
OMG the Pioneer II? YES! lol the theme song just played in my head XD
...Um yeah good story
Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:35
#10
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Sat, 07/23/2011 - 20:14
#11
Lol its a video game. The
Lol its a video game. The Pioneer II is the ship they use to transport while looking down on this planet to see if its habitual. They had the first pioneer check it out but there was an explosion so everyone died and the Pioneer II pretty much is investigating all of that.
Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:35
#12
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Sun, 07/24/2011 - 18:31
#13
MEMEME!!!Name:Shadownox(IGN:
MEMEME!!!
Name:Shadownox(IGN: Shadownox)
Gender:Male
Likes:using my weapons to DESTROY MONSTERS!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHA!!!!!
Dislikes:when noobs have no idea hw to work the beast bell and then get themslees killed by the snarby*facepalm*
Current equipment: Ascended calibur, brandish, striker, wise owlite shield, defender, autogun, magnus, blaster, cobalt set(all of them), and elemental set(all of them)
EDIT: my brother actually said to include the name you want in the story so i am gonna be Shadow.
EDIT: color: light blue
EDIT: im gonna put my personality here: fun, easy-going, is nice, gets along with everyone, but am easily offended.
Example:
random person:" hey, stupid"
me: " who you calling stupid, huh? you gonna pay for that!! *throws sword into random person's head*
me " whoops. my bad. I gotta work on my anger issues..."
Thu, 07/28/2011 - 00:24
#14
Why not :D
IGN Name: Rizu-Chan
Gender: Female
Color: Hot Magenta
Likes: Love Puppies, Mewkat, pink stuff
Dislikes: Devilites, all kinds
Current equipment: Miracle Hood/Cloak, Silversix, Blackhawk, Pulsar, Dread Venom Striker, Hunt Blade, Ascended Calibur, Wise Owlite Shield
Rizu-Chan or Rizu is fine. ^^
She's bubbly, cheery, a bit aloof and clueless -- so she tends to get in some of the worst situations at time. XD
But cute and luffable. <3
On her own she can sometimes get quite lonely, but she'll do her best to keep a smiling face on even if her world is crumbling down - no need to worry her friends after all.
Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:36
#15
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Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:36
#16
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Sat, 07/23/2011 - 21:33
#17
okay fine. i am easily
okay fine. i am easily offended but am funny and nice.
Sun, 08/07/2011 - 15:38
#18
Looks Promising!
I definitely like the start you gave, a creative way to give some background on our stranded knights.
I think I might as well submit my knight as well; good luck with writing!
Name: Zack (IGN: Za-Ck)
Gender: Male
Color: (I think you should add this to your character submission form) Dark Blue
Likes: Tinkering with machinery now and then, practicing sparring once in a while
Dislikes: He really isn't bothered by too much, but he has a distaste for hyperactive and bothersome people. He will tolerate them, but may find them tiring.
Personality: A bit on the easygoing side, but he isn't lazy by any means. He is a decent strategist and can be depended upon in battle. It is more of a hobby than anything else, but he is a decent mechanic and helps maintain various pieces of machinery. He later develops an interest in the Mecha Knight Kits that they find on Cradle. He is a bit quiet and doesn't speak much, but he has a sense of humor too; he is easy to talk to and get to know. He's eager to lend assistance to other knights in need; but as a consequence, he is a bit on the poor side.
Current equipment: Angelic Helm (wears his standard Spiral Sallet when working), Cobalt Armor, Vile Striker, Voltech Alchemer mk II, Horned Owlite Shield
Sat, 07/23/2011 - 23:31
#19
@Yrko- Did the story start
@Yrko- Did the story start off in 2nd person? I thought I was reading third person up until "They fill up your vision". I can see it both ways and its just kind of bugging me. You seem to have a better understanding of everything so it'd help if you could clarify this for me.
Props by the way for mentioning that writing is an art. There was one thing I thought should be mentioned and thats that you need to develop your own style of writing and work with it. Of course, the fragments bug me a lot so try not to make that your style. Just find something that works with both you and writing as a whole.
And no kidding about the proofreading. I still remember writing a report once and having the word "ore" instead of "or" I saw it after I printed it and its annoyed me since lol This becomes tiresome once you get into 5-10 page papers though.
Sun, 07/24/2011 - 00:02
#20
char
Name:Icycloud
Gender:female
Likes: Great team works
Dislikes:players trying to be hero and play merry go round with Trojans
Current equipment: Skolver set (both uv fire max), Barb Shield UV ele low, DA ASI VH, Barb Swd ASI low, FOV ASI low.
Personality: Im a soloist. But i generally accept invites from other people if they require my help. Im a silent swordman who is only keen to get the job done. As a guild leader of Coup De Grace, i go all outs to help my fellow guild mates if its within my power. I'm a loner and sometimes i belive in affinity and recruit those lose knight into my guild to let them have a vision and purpose for them.
A cold and icy knight on the outside but hot inside my heart.
Sun, 07/24/2011 - 01:43
#21
@Yoshipatrol
Yeah, it was all 2nd person. Think of it as puppeteering, with you being the puppet. The narrator basically lays out the scene for you and informs you on what you think and do. Essentially, that particular section was about -you-, perhaps as some resident to the unfortunate town that was viciously set aflame, witnessing your home being destroyed and you fellow townsfolk being slaughtered by armies of fiery undead, and finding yourself caught in the midst of it. It doesn't always have to dictate that you're doing a certain action (like, 'You saw a man run from his home, you see eyes in the darkness, etc.) for it to be 2nd person- in fact, its preferable that you use as little 'you -verb-'s as possible, while still being able to keep the sense that its -you- that's in the scene and that -you- are doing these things.
And yeah. I used to play in forum RPGs that worked a lot like creative writing, so I learned a lot from doing those. Everyone has a certain style to writing; there's not much to say if there's a right or wrong way to it, but how you can attract the reader to keep reading. Fragmented sentences work in certain situations, like trying to convey a sense or urgency in a scene, or to express a simple or curt personality of a character. But like everything else, moderation is the key, and keeping your writing varied with different sentence formats and phrases helps keep color and interest in the story without it being a chore to read.
Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:36
#22
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Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:36
#23
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Sun, 07/24/2011 - 15:05
#24
Wow!
I love your story! :D Keep writing!
Sun, 07/24/2011 - 15:38
#25
Great story.
Great story.
I think the 2nd chapter was better than the first but they both were good.
If you end up needing another charactor i'd be happy to play the part.
Keep up the good work. I'll be reading.
Your biggest fan,
The one and only, Guardianknight.
Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:37
#26
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Sun, 07/24/2011 - 17:08
#27
Ok I'm up great story! Name:
Ok I'm up great story!
Name: Rangerwill.
Gender: Male.
Likes: FSC and killing stuff in general.
Dislikes: People bumping monster's into me and me dying.
Color: Dark blue.
Personality: I'm mostly a swords guy, but I like all weps, I usually take my avenger Silent nightblade Gigawatt pulsar and my Freezing atomizer on a run.
Weps: Vile striker Avenger, Silent nightblade, Killowatt pulsar, Toxic catalyzer, Freezing atomizer
Set: Ash tail set, I wear a solid cobalt helm as my costume helm though.
:) As your friend love the story and hope it it gets even better!
Sat, 08/06/2011 - 18:48
#28
Here it is.
Name: Ryhim. Could also go by Guardian. I'll leave it up to you. (IGN Guardianknight).
Gender: Male
Likes: Doing all I can to help those around me ( except for Vanaduke).
Dislikes: Vanaduke, energy threads......oh and horse raddish....blah.
Current equipment: Skolver coat, Vog cub cap, Mighty Defender, Cold Iron Vanquisher,
and Silversix.
Charactor Personality: Always willing to do what I can to help. Kind of Quiet but speaks up when
needed. As my name implies, I am a Guardianknight of all. Strong will, Kind heart.
Sun, 07/24/2011 - 17:13
#29
NNNNNNOOOOOO.
LOL.
Ya beat me to it Ranger.
Haha.
Sun, 07/24/2011 - 17:24
#30
sounds cool i wana be in! :)
Name:Talon ign Talonzero
Gender:male
Likes:looking awesome,video games,and exploring,slimes with mustaches and the "what dark ritual?" cat
Dislikes:fiends ,mobbed by any monster and wtf how did that hit me?!
Current equipment:crown of the fallen,vog cub coat,cold iron vanquisher,dragon scale shield,blaze brand,silent night blade,nd blackhawk*btw i only put my semi good stuff :)
personality:teen with a problem with authority, hack and slash, act first questions later.helps people but is also lazy at times and very stubborn,and has a double personality wich he suffers from,his other personalities name is alexander XD he argues with himself alot and tries to lighten the mood at times,and laughs in the face of a huge hord of monsters that will surely pwn him :) also experiences (thinks he's better than others) syndrome XD,kind of a rockerish kid if you still dont know feel free to ask :)
story sounds great so far
Sun, 07/24/2011 - 17:26
#31
ah hell beat me to it :(
ah hell beat me to it :(
Sun, 07/24/2011 - 18:13
#32
MWAHAHAHAHAHA.
MWAHAHAHAHAHA. 2 minutes lololol. Srry Gk. :D I also would like to add that I'm pretty nice, help out noobs and such. Of course your my friend so you probably know. That's why I have over 200 friends. :O
Sun, 07/24/2011 - 18:33
#33
yup, you help me a lot too.
yup, you help me a lot too. in fact, do you mind giving back my corrosive acid? i gave it to you for 12ce... and i need it to make venom striker.
Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:37
#34
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Sun, 07/24/2011 - 19:05
#35
Lol ok.
Thanks for the info.
I'm in no hurry so put me in when you feel the
time is right.
Sun, 07/24/2011 - 21:29
#36
Ok, sure. If I c you in game
Ok, sure. If I c you in game remind me. :O I was the last person and blacksword got moved out. Sorry, wish you were in it too. (In think cloud.) Mwahahahaha..
Mon, 07/25/2011 - 06:18
#37
Would love to sees how ucam
Would love to sees how ucam bring those char to live with words. Writing story require great art and skills. Once again, thanks !
Mon, 07/25/2011 - 09:41
#38
ohhhh...............
Another
ohhhh...............
Another epic fan story!
Just what i wanted make the next chapter 10 times longer please i have plenty of time to read!
Mon, 07/25/2011 - 15:44
#39
yay thanks,and like i said
yay thanks,and like i said great story keep writing :)
Mon, 07/25/2011 - 17:45
#40
That was a really fun chapter!
That was a really fun chapter!
I really like Necro's personality. saying random scientific things in the worse moments lol
Oh, I have a suggestion.
Put every chapter in your first post. Not the whole text, just a link the post with that chapter. (without the spoiler tag from the BBCode, this forum sucks for fanfics, sadly)
Or maybe, you can post everything on Fanfiction.net. So we can easily read everything, without looking for the next chapters on each page of this topic, and all you have to do is post "lol new chapter GO READ IT NAO, it's you duty as a knight of the Spiral Order".
Mon, 07/25/2011 - 19:03
#41
Wow my mind was blown with my
Wow my mind was blown with my and my brandish lol
Mon, 07/25/2011 - 21:34
#42
i am Lordofnecromancers
i am Lordofnecromancers brother so i know wat he is doing. and i have great news everybody: HIS NEW CHAPTER IS GUARENTEED TO COME OUT TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:37
#43
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Mon, 07/25/2011 - 22:06
#44
Story
it's ok. No need to apologies. Is the life span of those char u mention is short or will they play an impt role in the future? Nice stories by the way .
Mon, 07/25/2011 - 22:49
#45
Great Installment
It was a nice chapter, a great way to explain a possible reason why everyone had to evacuate the Skylark and such. (Either the Skylark is really big, or the population of the planet is rather small lol).
Even though it was short, I enjoyed it. Just make sure to give all of the submitted characters decent exposure! I know the story focuses on Necro mostly, but it is important for other characters to get development as well. I'm looking forward to the next segment, and good job!
Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:37
#46
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Tue, 07/26/2011 - 11:56
#47
Hey!
i could be in the story! IGN: Grittle, a jelly/spiral knight hybrid with a jelly head and a elemental cloak and has a master blast bomb and a pepperbox.
Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:38
#48
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Tue, 07/26/2011 - 13:07
#49
ME!
job: crazy hermit
equipment: brute jelly helm, elemental hood, pepperbox, master blast bomb, scary skelly shield
gender: male
personality: kinda crazy, and can speak gremlin and noble jelly, and also bashful
name of character: Grittle
likes/dislikes: likes valstone, hates crimsonite, likes slimes, and hates lumbers
color, orange, and the colors from the equipment too.
other stuff: never seen a knight in over 2 years ( his team was destroyed by an army of lumbers), and has a pet mini green jelly, sniffles.
YE
Sat, 10/12/2019 - 05:38
#50
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I like the story seems exciting. Cant wait for the next part :)