The World of Praetorious: Prologue

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Arcsolus's picture
Arcsolus

The team of knights travelled ever downwards into the heart of the Clockwork, trying to chart and plot maps and study specimens. They had been seen by Lieutenant Feron to chart a course of the entire Clockworks: It's changing patterns, each new world that was created and brought to light, every new form of life. It was tiresome work. The head of the team, Doctor Lee Ketorus, hadn't seen the light of Haven or the chirp of a snipe in years. HQ often sent a party of soldiers to deliver messages and supplies, but he still missed the air of above. Every time the soldier came, he could smell fresh air and real dirt on them. He envied them.

As they made their way into a part of the Deconstruction Zone, the team heard a rumbling sound. Then an escort guard on the team looked up. "What was that?" Again, the sound echoed through the air, louder. The guards all loaded their guns and brandished their swords. "Doc, better get ready for some hostiles." Said Captain Hullard, the head of the escort guards. Lee fumbled with his Catalyzer, sticking a round into the gun. The group slowly advanced, aiming at all directions. Suddenly, the floor gave out beneath them.

"Ah, scrap..." Hullard felt a sharp pain course through his leg. "Hart, you there?" Shouted Hullard. A flicker of two green lights lit up the dark. The lights on Hart's helmet were slightly damaged. "Argh...Yes sir." Hart hobbled over to Hullard and gave him a Health Capsule. "Well," Said Hullard as he stood. "That does feel much better than I saw a few seconds ago..." He picked up his gun and checked the minimap. "Lee ain't too far away, come on."

Lee landed on a pile of bones. CRACK! Lee shook his head and dusted off his armor. The bones had broken his fall a bit. Lee became nervous as he saw that he was alone. The company of a gremlin would have made him more comfortable than this isolation. The silence in this place, it wasn't natural. Lee checked his minimap, only to find it broken. "Scrap..." Lee walked aimlessly forward until he saw a light. "What...?" As he got closer, he saw it was the light of a single screen. It was a gate that went downwards into the Clockworks. The symbol on it was a symbol he had never seen before: It was a shield that symbolized an arena, but wings flanked it. Curious, Lee stepped on the gate. The gate beeped: "Waiting for rest of party." Lee had no choice. He stood and waited.

Arcsolus's picture
Arcsolus
Comments and critique?

Comments and critique?

Aekuryi's picture
Aekuryi
7:07 PM

A very interesting start to your story, however, try to follow one character group at a time. It can get a little confusing when one moment you're paying attention to one group and then you suddenly switch to another group. Also, while your story format is very neat and organized into little chunks, make sure to start a new paragraph when you have a line of dialogue. For example.

I walked around a little.
"This house is awesome", my friend said.
"I agree, I like the furniture", I responded.

(Not sure if I put commas in the right place.)

Also, the post ethic tends to be a little lax here, so you might not get replies right away when you post something :3

Arcsolus's picture
Arcsolus
Thanks!

Thanks man! Can't believe I forgot about the dialogue thing...

Xenonguard's picture
Xenonguard
Nice Story!

It's really well told, you could imagine that it was written by a scientist documenting an alien planet. The internal monologue during the isolated bit where he falls through the deconstruction zone is good too. The suspense at the end left me wanting to read more. Keep up the great work!