Spiral Knights - Spiral News Network

Spiral News Network

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Sun, 10/30/2011 - 09:51

Kentard

Kentard: Good evening, and welcome to the Spiral News Network - the primary source of news, gossip and more - all happening on Cradle! We accept all stories, all news, so Knights are welcome to post - so long as we still sound like a News Channel!

Joining us this week for our live NPC interview is Bechamel. Good evening, Bechamel.

Bechamel: Ah, good evening.
Kentard: Once again, on behalf of the SNN we'd like to welcome you to Haven's Bazaar; now, do tell us what made you start up the accessory business?
Bechamel: Knights these days are too focused on repowering the Skylark. Me? I'm just in it for aesthetic value. Whatever happened to the art pieces that adorned our buildings? Sculptures of historical figures to glorify the Knights? If the first step we can take towards aestheticizing Haven is by accessories, I say we go with it.
Kentard: Right, now fellow Knights have noticed that you don't sell accessories per se, rather you remove them. Is there a reason behind this?
Bechamel: Given the limited resources by the Spiral HQ, accessories are no more than a trivial concern of some Knights - a concern they cannot afford to waste what little we have left. Of course, I did make a few with surplus resources, but this merely promoted infighting among the Knights at the HQ as to who would get them. So, I hid them away in the Clockworks... god knows how anyone actually managed to get them back.
In any case, improper removal of accessories can lead to permanent damage on armor components, hence I can remove them for you - free of charge, too.
Kentard: Right now, the only way of opening the Iron Lockboxes containing said accessories is by purchasing Silver Keys from Boost at 750 Crystal Energy each. Do you have any comments on this?
Bechamel: What?! Preposterous. Boost beat me to it again. Argh... I would make a fortune selling those Keys... and my Keys, of all things! I must have a word with him.
Kentard: Fellow Knights have also questioned what weapon you possess, and whether it is obtainable in-game. Any comments?
Bechamel: Ho-ho, this is a standard issue Spiral HQ Scissorblade Calibur. This is handed down from one Accessorizer to his successor, and is the only one in existence. And with a Very High Damage UV to Accessories, I can definitely see why.
Kentard: What about that Love Puppy in your background? Is that a pet of yours?
Bechamel: Well, sometimes the Scissorblade misses.
Kentard: ... Alright, now why do you adorn yourself with purple-themed gear? Are you attempting to impersonate a Game Master by any chance?
Bechamel: Why do I need to? I'm the ****** Accessorizer. If anything, the Game Masters are impersonating me! I'm the unique one around here; I mean, come on. No other Knight on Cradle has more flamboyant gear than I do.
Kentard: Ah, thank you very much, Bechamel, and thank you all for watching this exclusive interview with Spiral HQ's Accessorizer.
Join us in the next episode for another exciting news update, but for now, here is the weather for Cradle:

Haven - 84ºF, Sunny all Day.
Firestorm Citadel - 150ºF, Extra Crispy.
Graveyard - 66ºF, Hazy with a chance of Phantoms.

Sun, 10/30/2011 - 10:33

Valorai

LOL LOL LOL

lol

Sun, 10/30/2011 - 13:32

Stormgirl

lol

nice nice when is your next post?

Mon, 10/31/2011 - 04:00

Kentard

SNN Special Report: Halloween

Good evening, and welcome to the Spiral News Network - the primary source of news, gossip and more - all happening on Cradle! We accept all stories, all news, so Knights are welcome to post - so long as we still sound like a News Channel!
In local news today, it's that time of the month again, folks... and I do mean Halloween.

This year, Three Rings has introduced the Punkin King into Cradle, an enigmatic figure lying in wait deep within the Clockworks to dish out delectable treats - candies which, ironically, nobody actually eats. Rather, they trade it away to some shady sugar addict in Haven for masks.
We have interviewed several of these Knights involved, and the responses are as follows. Knight IGNs are kept confidential so as to respect the privacy of the individual and just in case they say something embarassing.

"It's a nice, refreshing change from the usual Clockworks. And there's candy too - that's what got me searching for the King." - A typical Knight.
"Honestly, it's just another excuse for Knights to waste more CE. I mean, the prices are skyrocketing as it is... Masks? Puh! Back in my days we were lucky to get candies!" - Atypical Knight.
"Knights these days are missing out on the Halloween spirit. Dressing up to get candy, not the other way round..." - Greedy Knight.
"How do you eat the darn thing?" - Knight attempting to ingest Hard Candy.
"I want my mommy!!!" - Wait- who the heck is this?!

As we hoard candies in our conquest to get that one mask, which in my opinion looks a little the Spy from Team Fortress 2, we wait in anticipation for the next event. What will Three Rings have in store for us on the next event? Elf hats for Christmas? That is something for them to know, and us to find out.
In non-related news today, Spiral HQ has changed all rations into pumpkin pies, as pumpkin prices plunge dramatically from Punkin King debris flooding the market.
Also on SNN, the Punkin King has been hospitalized for second-degree burns caused by Knights throwing flaming jars before he gives a trick or treat. This evening, seven Knights succumb to tooth decay and hyperglycaemia from ingestion of 'candies'. Spiral HQ Orthodontist and Geo Knight Wegner will give a full report.
In world news, crystal energy prices have fallen on the international markets, although stock analysts (i.e. me) speculate that prices will rise after the sale has concluded. In the meantime, do get ready your parents' credit cards!
Join us in the next episode for another exciting news update, but for now, here is the weather for Cradle:

Clockworks: 3ºF to 150ºF, with a slight chance of candies and getting killed by Gun Puppies.

Attention all budding journalists: SNN wants you! If you have an interesting news story, interview, or tabloid to share, feel free to post it on the Spiral News Network official thread! Do note that all posts must adhere to forum regulations.

Mon, 10/31/2011 - 10:20

Australiumfish

SNN Clockworks Report: Friendly creatures?

Good evening, this is Australiumfish from within the Gremlin Factory, deep within the Clockworks!

I have travelled far and heard much, and there are legends of non-Haven creatures that are friendly. Mainly tales of Gun Puppies that heal us! Well, I set out to discover one for myself, and that has led me deep within the Gremlin Factory.

I have beside me a creature of legend, the so called 'Love Puppy' that is actually healing me and my camera crew as I speak!

So, Love Puppy, do you have any words?

Love Puppy: *Bark* *shoots heart at the camera*

Fascinating. Are there any others of your kind around?

Love Puppy: *Appears to nod it's head*

Surely it must be hard to live around knights so used to having to kill everything. Have you ever seen a knight before?

Love Puppy: *turns to reveal a large cut behind its right 'ear'* *Bark* *turns back*

Ah, well, I assure you that if any of your kind visit Haven, they will be safe.

Love Puppy: *Bark* *Appears happy*

Well, *turns back to camera* the legends of friendly creatures are indeed true. If you come across one, take care, because what is really more important, some crowns and heat, or your karma?

This was Australiumfish, from the Gremlin Factory, depth 15, for the Spiral News Network. Join us later for our interview with the Gremlins latest invention, The Roarmulus Twins!

Back to you, Kentard!

Tue, 11/01/2011 - 06:20

Kentard

SNN Daily (Not Really) Update, 1st November 2011

Thank you, Australiumfish.

In local news today, a Love Puppy was found dead in the Gremlin Factory, Depth 15. Spiral HQ is still investigating the disappearance of said Love Puppy, and if you have any clues as to who this heartless murderer is, do drop by the Spiral HQ and file a report. *hides Nightblade*.
Crystal Energy prices plunge to a minimum of 5,900 crowns this evening, with sales averaging 5,920 crowns, not surprising given that the Crystal Energy Sale is ongoing. Knights are advised to stock up on Crystal Energy as sales prices are expected to rise after this post is made.

Many Knights have also been protesting the cost of Shadow Keys in order to gain access to insanely difficult Shadow Lairs once. While it is unclear what steps Three Rings will take in response to this issue, Knights are expected to see a soar in Iron Lockbox prices as more Knights keep the lockboxes to themselves in protest. Meanwhile, Knights are also expected to stock up on guns as bank robbery occurences have increased dramatically following this update.

Join us in the next episode for another exciting news update, but for now, here is the weather for Cradle:

Haven: 79ºF, 82ºF if you were hit by snipe poop.

Attention all budding journalists! I want you- uh, Spiral News Network wants you to send in any interesting news reports, gossip and scandals involving our friendly Spiral HQ Quartermaster Koz-
For any suggestions, do email me at kentard@snn.com, and we will put all of them into the paper sh- pardon, I mean listen to them wholeheartedly.

Tue, 11/01/2011 - 07:48

Happyapathy

lol

be funny if this was stickied in the general forum and you updated the main post with the ones below it as a sort of archive :)

Tue, 11/01/2011 - 09:37

Kentard

That would be interesting. :)

Or it would be even better to have it on the list in the wiki page, though I can't edit it as of yet.
And technically it's not a fan-fiction, but you guys are still welcome to send in all of your interesting stories. :)

In non-related news, Australiumfish was arrested for murdering a Love Puppy. *nightblade behind back* ;)

Tue, 11/01/2011 - 10:14

Happyapathy

should do something on the

should do something on the halloween event Rubyeclipse hosted :)

Thank god they caught the murderer, we don't need heartless psychopaths like that running around.

Tue, 11/01/2011 - 12:35

Randomjockey

There's no such thing as news shows without advertisements!

Good evening and welcome to Krogmo Coliseum! Here you have Krogmo, a Coliseum, specialized Coins, and most importantly, competition! So let's see you there tommorow!
~Krogmo Coliseum, where you can punch your friend, doo doo doo.~

Tue, 11/01/2011 - 13:18

#10

Australiumfish

SNN - Shocking news!

This is Australiumfish, coming from directly behind Kentard, who appears to be holding a nightblade coated in a strange oil that appears to provide healing powers.

Police are now taking the aforementioned sword and performing a construct-type-DNA test to see if it is the oil of the murdered Love Puppy.

So, what am I doing here? The police agreed to let me make a news broadcast!

And the result has been confirmed, it was Kentard's nightblade that killed the Love Puppy! But wait, im getting a report from another knight that the Love Puppy was revived by another one. It seems Love Puppies can revive others like Knights can!

More on this new story as it develops.

In lighter news, Kentard and myself were released from prison, I because I was innocent, and Kentard because, well, erm, because people like to hear his voice on the news!

This was Australiumfish, from behind Kentard's chair in the SNN newsroom.

Back to you, Kentard!

(I love this thread!)

Tue, 11/01/2011 - 13:55

#11

Doggies

Other commercial

come on down to Doggies all you can read fanfiction thread for a great story.

Tue, 11/01/2011 - 14:07

#12

Valorai

Sorry Kentard, to interrupt

Sorry Kentard, to interrupt you at this moment, but we have an astounding announcement! In the Town square of haven, a gremlin claiming he is King Tinkinzar (Personally I don't buy it) has told everyone that he is peaceful, and wants to check out our haven.

In a moment we will have our field reporter sent to ask Tinkinzar a few questions.

Sorry for interrupting you Kentard, back to you! (Or to our field reporter if he/she gets done asking Tinkinzar questions first)

Tue, 11/01/2011 - 14:07

#13

Valorai

Sorry Kentard, to interrupt

lol oops double post

Wed, 11/02/2011 - 06:34

#14

Kentard

SNN Daily (Not Really) Update, 2rd November 2011

Good *hic* ebeening, and welcome to the Spiralling... um, thingy *hic* - the primary source of news, something something something - all happening on Cradle! We accept all *burrp* ooh, pardon me. I've had too much to drink last night.
In local news today, I'm out of jail. Hooray. *louder burp*
Now, reports that King Tinkinzar himself has arrived at Haven have begun flooding the market, but if you are a smart reader of the news, you know this is all complete bulls- uh, bull. *hic, dodges rocket* We're now waiting for the obituaries of our field reporters.
In non-related news, *hic*... uh, where's my script?

-INTERLUDE-

In the meantime, Spiral News Network wants you to send in any interesting news reports, gossip and scandals. Simply post here if you have an interesting story, and please limit the advertising. Please. ><
For any suggestions, do email me at kentard@snn.com, or drop some mail to your nearest Spiral HQ. We're short of loo rolls.

Wed, 11/02/2011 - 10:23

#15

Randomjockey

-Completing the 'in other news'-

-Pushes Kentard off his seat and takes it- In other news...
King Krogmo's Coliseum is going to close down for 3 days due to... um... Slogan problems.
Meanwhile enjoy the weather while Kentard's hungover:
Haven: 22C/71F. A little chillier than usual, so prepare a scarf.
Cooling Chambers: 0C/32F. Do make sure you have Defreezing water with you.
FSC: 50C/122F. A little safer for knights coming in, yet your hair might still randomly combust.

Wed, 11/02/2011 - 11:09

#16

Ztype

Spiral News Network Report by Ztype

SSN Report 16

Main Story: The "Leader of the Gremlins" has had a full security scan taken at the Spiral HQ to see if he has any weapons or other devices. The results will come out soon. Meanwhile, the "Leader of the Gremlins" has been teaching knights to tame monsters and make them their friendly pets. Personally I don't trust him.

Other News: Spiral News Network have been sponsored by Boost.

Advert: Buying from Boost will give you a Boost!

Next time: I shall be deep inside the Gremlin HQ, to find out more about this so called leader but I shall not tell you anymore as the so called leader might be listening to this broadcast and warn his gremlins.

Haven: Sunny
FSC: WEATHER WARNING!!!! Burning! All knights will catch fire upon entering!
RJ: A bit breezy
Romalus: Fine (as always because it is indoor and air conditioned)
Gloaming Wildwoods: Windy

Draws a moustache on Kenyard's face ;)

Wed, 11/02/2011 - 12:00

#17

Ztype

SNN Report 17 Spiral Special:

SNN Report 17

Spiral Special: I'm in the sewers at the moment. Phew. What is that smell? **VOMIT**.

Now I am slowly but carefully climbing up this ladder which I believe will take me to the main control room. Uh oh! I really need to work on my spying skills. Some gremlins have just spotted me. Why are they running away? Oh yeah, the smell. Yeah I don't blame you gremlins. It is sickening. Now to the central computer.

Hmmm. What I can conclude from this is that the so called leader was an ordinary gremlin who was just trying to infiltrate the Haven and hack into our main computer!!! Better warn HQ!

Just came in that the gremlin is under control. Oh well, better copy the data on my USB. :)

Ad: Boost gives you boost. Visit http://wiki.spiralknights.com/Boost for more details.

Next Time: The data on the gremlin's head computer shall be made public, we will have an interview with the gremlin who attacked the Haven and there will be the first chapter of my book posted. See you till next time.

Thu, 11/03/2011 - 09:10

#18

Kentard

SNN Daily (Not Really) Update, 3st November 2011

Guten abend, and velcome to ze Spairal News Netvork - vere I haf somehow picked up ze German accent after my hungover... Ve accept all stories, all news, so Knights are velcome to post - so long as ve still sound like a News Channel!

In local news today, ze Goblin King has presented ze Spiral HQ with a peace negotiation - vere ze terms are to have a ceasefire with ze Gremlins in exchange for ze Gremlins teaching ze Knights new skills - such as taming ze Clockvork monsters to do our bidding and using proximity mines. While negotiations are still undervay - teaching has proven successful, with only fifty Knights having zeir hand bitten off by Wolvers. Vunderbar!

Flame injuries have also gone down by vier hundert prozent- uh, four hundred percent, after ze Flaamberge charge attack haas been fixed to not damage ze other players. However, Knights are still advised to take precautions ven in de Firestorm Citadel, as two Knights were recently hospitalized for zird-degree burns and death.

Shadow Keys are no longer for sale from Boost, ze friendly items merchant, creating an outrage among free to play players. In ze meantime, existing Shadow Key prices continue to soar, and Darkfire Wanaduke has recently twitted that he is bored. Ve are unsure what steps Drei Ringe is taking to re-introduce ze keys in ze future, but if zey return it for drei thousand CE, zey can kiss my hintern!

Join us in ze next episode for another exciting news update, but for now, here is ze weather for Cradle:

Haven: 78ºF, 81ºF wenn Sie nicht lesen können Deutsch.

Attention all budding journalists! Ve vant you- uh, Spiral News Network vants you to send in any interesting news reports, gossip and German tabloids - zat's tabloids - not tablets, ze things you take for your hemmorhoids.
For any suggestions, do email me at kentard@snn.com, preferably vile I am away at ze Oktoberfest.

Thu, 11/03/2011 - 11:15

#19

Randomjockey

Shocking news!

I have just discovered that snn.com is already taken by "Summerhome News Network". I tried contacting Kentard, but I can barely understand his german murmurs... I really hope negotiation will start regarding this fatal, tragedial occurence.
In other news, King Krogmo's Coliseum has reopened with the slogan "Where competition is top priority". Being accepted by the authorities, hundreds of knights are rushing back in to play their unbalanced games of combat.

Back to you, Schaudenfreude!

Thu, 11/03/2011 - 16:56

#20

Jim-Dale

Holy shiznit, I was going to

Holy shiznit, I was going to make a Spiral News Network video (that's what I even called it) but now this shows up.

Then again, it was going to be about real news.

Fri, 11/04/2011 - 06:59

#21

Kentard

No Worries.

I've contacted Spiral News Network's legal department (consisting of myself, and a few Pit Bosses), and they've allowed Jim-Dale to broadcast the Spiral News Network video, so long as 50% of the profits (where applicable) are given to the Spiral News Network Children's Aid Fund - just a fancy way of saying my wallet.

In non-related world news, several members of the Summerhome News Network were found dead at the broadcasting station with several pitchforks and office furniture embedded in the bodies of the deceased. Investigations are still underway, and Spiral HQ is still locating the root cause of the murders. Also, Spiral News Network has acquired the domain name of snn.com, so do feel free to post all suggestions there.

Join us in the next episode for another exciting news update, but for now, here is the weather for Cradle:

Haven: 74ºF, cloudy with a chance of clouds.

Attention all budding journalists! We want you- uh, Spiral News Network wants you to send in any interesting news reports, gossip and lawsuits against Summerhome News Network.
For any suggestions, do email me at kentard@snn.com, and my associate at SNN will reply - most likely rather rudely.

Sat, 11/05/2011 - 12:18

#22

Firehate

More Summerhome News Network News !!!

As We All Know, All Summerhome News Network Workers Have Been Found Dead At Their Burnt-Down HQ *Hides Combuster Behind Back* And Our Kind Yesman Scout Has Found Out That All Their Summer Homes Have Been Burnt To The Ground !!! (Along With Their Owners.) *Throws Combuster Into Nearby Bin* I Suspect That Lord Vanaduke Has Been Involved In This One Way Or Another.

Meanwhile In The Firestorm Citadel...
Lord Vanaduke :No, Spiral Scum, I Didnt Burn Them Down, You Did!!!
Firehate :Prove It, Vana.
Lord Vanaduke :Remember The Combuster I Borrowed To You Yesterday ?
Firehate :I Don't Know What Are You Talking About, Vana. *Makes Excuse* Its Hot In Here !!! *Does A Runner*
That's All For Today's Interview With Lord Vana.

Now Here's The Weather On Cradle :
FSC :100'000C *Covers Up Excuse*
RTR :25C (Air Conditioned)
JKTR :16C It's Jel-ly Cold Down Here !
GW :37C It's The Tropics Here On Cradle !!!
Haven :20C Fine,Perfect And Sunny

Back To You, Kentard !*Runs Off To Properly Dispose Of Combuster, Only To Find A Note Signed By Lord Vana*
S*** !!!!!!!!!!

Sat, 11/05/2011 - 09:31

#23

Firehate

The Note

Dear Spiral-Scum,Whatever Your Freakin Name Is,
Got Ya !!!
Signed,Lord Vanaduke
[ 5 Seals Here ]

Sat, 11/05/2011 - 10:52

#24

Grittle

now since SNN is prodomenit,

now since SNN is prodomenit, its time for to take the tv stage, CNN MSNBC FOX NEWS and CHROMA TV, SNN IS HERE

Sat, 11/05/2011 - 11:39

#25

Ztype

SNN Report: "Luckily, I

SNN Report:

"Luckily, I survived the heat storm *shows Glacius*. Firehate has been arrested, all other Spiral News members are in hospital, revived by energy confiscated from Firehate, so enjoy the day so far until the rest of the team come back. Oh speak of the Devil! It's Kentard. How is Firehate?"

"He has been arrested for attempted murder so far."

"Well lets hope he suffers. Anyway

Main Story: There has been much despite between Knights and Gremlins, but this has got the better
of King Tinkizar . King Tinkizar has decided to declare war against the peaceful Spiral Knights. This has enraged a viewer who said that just because one of the Gremlins' plans have failed means that they have to do a full on invasion. That is not all. The Undead have decided to join them. This is going to be a big fight, so get your Furious Flamberges and Gran Fausts out!

Promised from last time:

Unfortunately, due to Spiral HQ laws, we are only allowed to publish a snippet of the information on the main computer. Hopefully Kentard could publish the whole data on the computer as he got away with murder just recently.

Gremlin Main Computer

Date 47/27/582 GRR (Gremlin Royalist Revolution)

Ruler King Tinkizar

Chapter 385

The Gremlins shall send a Gremlin to attempt to infiltrate our enemies' Haven and lead the Gremlins into battle.

Ad: Part 1 - The Rise of The Unspoken Heroes

'Chapter 1

"Come on! Running away will not do you much good you Dark Fire Lord Vanduluke!"

Ztype was once again practicing in the Tier 5 training area. Even though he was only a young knight, he was training for the biggest tier yet, Recapturing Ground Mark (the original planet of the Spiral Knights). He was ready with his custom made 10* gear: Grand Type Revenger, Super Swift Charge Buckler and the full Shadow Ghost Phoenix Kat set. He also had his loyal blue grimalkin pet.'

If you would like to read more of this visit http://forums.spiralknights.com/en/node/32294

Haven: A bit more chilly, 13 degrees Celsius, as we gradually move into The Freezing season.
FSC: FSC is receiving the cold as well, with a mildly hot 30 degrees Celsius.
RJ: A bit more colder than Haven, so remember your Freezing Season clothes.
Romalus: Again, normal, due to the fact that the temperature is well controlled
Gloaming Wildwoods: Much colder than RK, a Snowy -3 degrees Celsius.

Next Time: Interview with the Gremlin who attempted to infiltrate the Haven and Interview with the Spiral Board to view the tactics. See you till next time."

Sat, 11/05/2011 - 11:13

#26

Altos

What Dark Ritual?

Breaking News!!!! a Mewkat has been discovered in FSC!
We are now interviewing it
Altos:Mewkat do you like FSC
Mewkat:Mew
Altos:Good Mew or bad mew?
Mewkat:Mew
Altos:More coverage will be available soon.Back to you Kent

Sat, 11/05/2011 - 12:15

#27

Firehate

-NOHING WAS HERE-

Sat, 11/05/2011 - 12:13

#28

Firehate

-NOTHING WAS HERE-

Sat, 11/05/2011 - 12:19

#29

Ztype

---NOTHING WAS HERE---

---NOTHING WAS HERE---CONTENT OF THESE MESSAGES COULD GIVE AWAY SECRET PLANS---

Sat, 11/05/2011 - 17:17

#30

Firehate

-NOHING WAS HERE-

Sat, 11/05/2011 - 12:12

#31

Firehate

Let's Pretend That This Never Happened

The Title Says It All. It's Getting A Bit Awkward .

Sun, 11/06/2011 - 01:17

#32

Kentard

SNN Daily (Not Really) Update, 6nd November 2011

There are rumors circulating about that Spiral News Network has a secret plan underway to dominate the media industry. Please be reminded that we are a legitimate news network, and we harbor no plans to do so whatsoever. ALL GLORY TO THE- um, in the meantime, do enjoy this exciting news clip involving a revolving spiral and new age music.

In other news, Knights are getting ready for Christmas, contemplating new ideas for the upcoming Christmas event, stocking up on winter gear, and purchasing delectable treats such as gingerbread houses, eggnog and habanero-flavored cookies. Skolver sales have gone up by 200%, and the Skolver line plans to release a woolen hat accessory line that goes well with the Skolver.
Animal rights activists, however, are protesting this bold move, claiming that the use of Wolver fur for armor components is inhumane. Meanwhile, thirty knights have been hospitalized for Wolver bites, and three are in critical condition. SNN encourages all Knights to hunt more Wolvers and get more fur. I'm upgrading to Dusker soon anyway.

In non-related news, SNN has issued letters of resignation to news anchors Ztype and Firehate for filling up SNN with reports of -NOTHING WAS HERE-, and for having a mediocre sense of humor. In their place will be two Gremlins. And don't worry, folks, King Tinkinzar has no intentions to attack Haven whatsoever. *dodges thrown axe*
Also, SNN is going international, catering to more than thirty different languages, including French, Russian, Cantonese, Gremlin and Wingdings.

Join us in the next episode for another exciting news update, but for now, here is the weather for Cradle:

---NOTHING WAS HERE---CONTENT OF THESE MESSAGES COULD GIVE AWAY SECRET PLANS---

Attention all budding journalists: SNN wants you! If you have an interesting news story, interview, or propagand- uh, advertising efforts to share, feel free to post it on the Spiral News Network official thread! Do note that all posts must adhere to forum regulations.
For any suggestions, do email me at tardken@nns.moc. 10% of all suggestions will go to the Spiral Foundation for Dyslexic Knights.

Sun, 11/06/2011 - 03:22

#33

Ztype

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh well.

---NOTHING WAS HERE---CONTENT OF THESE MESSAGES COULD GIVE AWAY SECRET PLANS---

Sun, 11/06/2011 - 03:29

#34

Ztype

BREAKING NEWS!!!

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

The gremlins who took mine and Firehate's place are dead. *Hides Archeron*. And we are back on the news!

Ztype: So Lord Van, why did you kill the gremlins?

Lord Vanduluke: I did not!!! First Firehate framing me and now you?!

Ztype: You know anything you say now will be used as evidence when you are in court.

Lord Vanduluke: (speechless)

Ztype: So now there is a huge war between the gremlins and knights and the undead! ;)

Haven: Beware of T3 monsters fighting each other. Take refuge if you are not in T3 in one of the clockwork terminals.

Sun, 11/06/2011 - 06:03

#35

Ztype

THIS IS PAYBACK SNN!!!

---NOTHING WAS HERE---CONTENT OF THESE MESSAGES COULD GIVE AWAY SECRET PLANS---

Sun, 11/06/2011 - 07:39

#36

Firehate

Kozma...And Brinks...In Love ?!?!

Breaking News !!! Spiral Quartermaster Kozma And Token Trader Brinks Have Been Sighted Kissing In The Bazaar During Their Break-time. They Have Also Been Sighted Dating In Mooncraft Manor And In Emberlight. This Explains Why They Wait And Wait In Those Places ,Waiting For The Spiral Warden To Get Distracted By Newbs !!! *Firehate Cheers*

Meanwhile At The Bazaar...
Firehate : Hey Kozma !!!
Kozma : Yes ,Firehate ,Would You Like Some Of My Recipes ?
Firehate : No ,Koz ,I Just Want To Interview You And Brinks About Your Relationship !
Brinks : We're Just Good Friends ,That's All.
Firehate : Come On Guys ,I Won't Tell Feron Or The Warden...
Kozma : *Sighs* Fine...We're Kinda Interested In Each Other...That's All...
Firehate : What About Your Dates ?
Brinks : FINE !!! WE'RE IN LOVE !!!
Firehate : Now THAT'S The Answer I Want To Get !

THAT PROVES IT !!!

Now Here's The Weather On Cradle :
FSC : 1000C Nice For A Barbecue
RTR : 25C Air-Conditioned
JKTR : 17C A Bit Better...
GW : 39C Ugh, I'm Melting...
Bazaar : 100000C Love Is In The Air...

Now Back To...Whoever It Is !!!
*Whisper : Thanks Ztype. Here's Your 40k .

Sun, 11/06/2011 - 07:36

#37

Firehate

Great Spiralus Bank Cheque #14350 Firehate>>>Ztype

40k Enclosed.
(^^^)40k(^^^)
Delete----------Accept

Great Spiralus Treasury>>><<>><<

Sun, 11/06/2011 - 22:00

#38

Kentard

SNN Daily (Not Really) Update, 2011th November 7

Nothing much on the news today, so here's a video of a manatee bumping it's nose against the glass:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpqaH4NJpQA

And now for updates on Traffic: heavy congestion near Haven's Auction House, and two accidents near the Arcade, so be safe as you "drive" your hobby horses.

Join us in the next episode for another exciting news update, but for now, here is the weather for Cradle:

Haven: 69ºF, getting snowy. Knights are advised to equip their Skolver sets and wear earmuffs - preferably pink for extra protection and humor.

Attention all budding journalists: SNN wants you! If you have an interesting news story, interview, or report on the Crystal Energy market, feel free to post it on the Spiral News Network official thread! Do note that all posts must adhere to forum regulations.
For any suggestions, do email me at kkkkkkkkentard@ssssssnn.cccccom. Good lord, it's cold here.

Mon, 11/07/2011 - 07:38

#39

Firehate

BUMP

Mon, 11/07/2011 - 07:38

#40

Firehate

BUMP

Mon, 11/07/2011 - 07:38

#41

Firehate

BUMP

Mon, 11/07/2011 - 07:38

#42

Firehate

BUMP

Mon, 11/07/2011 - 07:38

#43

Firehate

BUMP

Mon, 11/07/2011 - 08:17

#44

Kentard

Firehate, stop it.

I'd have you know that YOU are giving my thread a bad rap. I'd much rather it dies in peace than to have you continually post less-than-entertaining comments, and if that's not enough, having YOU to spam them 5 times.

Admins, if you guys are around, please bring an end to this thread... I suppose this is what happens when you let the rest of the forum speak up.

And as for you, Firehate, you have no taste in humor, and no common sense. Seriously? Following up a -NOTHING WAS HERE- post with -NOTHING WAS HERE-?

Mon, 11/07/2011 - 09:41

#45

Randomjockey

News Flash

Good evening. Alex here with a news flash straight from Haven. If you haven't heard of the snowfall yet, then you haven't heard of the alchemy machines breaking down. Right now I'm standing next to an alchemy machine covered in snow dysfunctional. I have some materials for a 1* weapon but I can't craft it.
Mechanic: Hold on, I just forgot to switch from cooling mode to heating mode... -Takes out screwdriver-
Uhh sir, who are you?
Mechanic: The mechanic of course? -removes a metal plate from the back of the machine and messes around with the insides of the machine-
Is this going to take a while?
-alchemy machine suddenly shakes off snow, getting warm by the minute-
Mechanic: Does it look like it will? -leaves-
Well, this might just got repaired, let's see... -energy beep- Yeap, fixed. Nevermind this news flash...
BUT, in other news, a knight nicknamed Firehate was found dead on Bechamel's roof. Investigations are under way as this knight is getting investigated. -puts Lachesis in scabbard-
Back to you, Kentard!

Mon, 11/07/2011 - 10:04

#46

Kentard

SNN Daily (Not Really) Update, 8th Novbummer 2011

Good evening, and welcome to the Spiral News Network - where I have just taken pills for my PMS. Apologies. We accept all stories, all news, so Knights are welcome to post - so long as we still sound like a News Channel!

In local news today, Bechamel has sighted a dead body on his roof. While the body has been cleared and identified, Spiral HQ is still undergoing investigations within the Spiral News Network to find the perpetrator.
"I knew Firehate," quoted Alex, alias Randomjockey, a renowned news anchor on the Network, "he was a nice guy. Pity he died so young..."
Alex also received a paycheck of 75,000 crowns recently, with no notes or receipts attached. Spiral News Network has denied that this was payment for an assassination, as this is simply the bonus given to cover a story on... um... not very malfunctioning alchemy machines.

Coming up shortly *hides pen*, one Knight has been hospitalized for hypothermia. This Knight, a transfer agent for the Spiral HQ from a nearby nudist colony, will be giving an interview once he recovers.
Also on Spiral News Network, economic analysts will discuss the benefits of investing in Snarble Barbs, as well as the implications of the unpegging of the Gremlin currency - the gizmo, from the crown.

Translation services will be provided to readers who speak Gremlin.

Join us in the next episode for another exciting news update, but for now, here is the weather for Cradle:

Haven: 83ºF. Knights are advised to close their windows as a fellow Knight burst into spontaneous combustion, driving the temperature up by a few degrees. Knights are also advised not to use Oiler oil for cooking, and to use the standard Spiral HQ snipe poop solid fuel instead. Do keep in mind that Knights using this fuel are to wash their hands before eating - or consequences will never be the same.

Attention all budding journalists: SNN wants you! If you have an interesting news story, interview, or medical report from the ingestion of snipe poop, feel free to post it on the Spiral News Network official thread! Do note that all posts must adhere to forum regulations.
For any suggestions, do email me at k******@s**.com. Popular brands and companies have been censored to show that the S***** N*** N****** does not blatantly try to advertise to their readers. All papers are now sold at 50% off.

Mon, 11/07/2011 - 11:16

#47

Randomjockey

Good evening Kentard.

I am just commenting on the 75k paycheck I recieved. Yes it was in fact regarding the dysfunctional alchemy machines, as I have came up with a simple algorithm that automatically switches between heater and cooler depending on the temperature. I'm still suprised the alchemy machines don't have this build-in. After testing, I made 2 more SAT (Simple Automatic Temperature) cards and installed them into the alchemy machines in haven bazaar, arcade, and in the Krogmo machine. I have to admit that the 75k paycheck was a tasty treaty reward for my work, considering it was easy science.

Thu, 11/10/2011 - 13:30

#48

Ztype

*Pushes Kentard And Random Jokey Off*

Ztype: Yes, okay Randomjockey. Please don't bore us to death.

By the way, from now on SNN shall be evil news, sending transmissions to the gremlins. All Hail - Ooops. *Turns to Camera Crew*

Is that thing on?

Camera Person 1: (whispers) Yes. What have you done?!

Ztype: Oh ****. I was just joking viewers. See ya!

*Police break SNN's Door*

Police man 1: You are under arrest Ztype. Anything you say now may be used against you in court...

Ztype: (sarcastically) Great!

Fri, 11/11/2011 - 04:58

#49

Shue-Donnym

Generic news blah

Ohai, call me Vanilla. Have generic news asdfghjkl
So today a generic event has happened that tips the odds further in favor of SNN.
/hides weapon used in incident behind back
Some people who pose a small threat to this network have been found dead in who knows where and the authorities are snooping as usual to find who is the culprit.
/disposes of weapon
In other news, I have been poking around and traced Alex's 75K to none other than KozZZZZZZAFDSEGFRHGTRSHRTHWSRHGE
-The connection has been lost. Go home and die.-
Now for the weather.
Haven-80ºF. Somewhat toasty.
That's all, folks.
Go to sleep and die.

Fri, 11/11/2011 - 09:03

#50

Randomjockey

So to sum it up,

SNN turned into a YTP.

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