Can Some One Critique My Writing?
Fr, 08/23/2013 - 00:36
This is my attempt at writing a short story I really would like a Critique or hear some ones opinion on my writing. I am perhaps one of the worst people at spelling note that NOW.
Why Jose Never Listens to BioTechs Wanting Zee Cores
By Auggy Callahan (Auggyisonfire)
Jose picked through the remains of a destroyed camp in the blast furnace. It smelled of death and burnt tents. A glint caught Jose's eye it emanated from with in the camp fire, odd... Jose thought to him self. He walked over to the ashy remains of the camp fire and sifted through it. to his surprise he found a recon module with a recording on it. With out thinking he played it... "My name is Auggy I am a knight of the Spiral Order. You are reading journal entry's I left behind to let people know of what happened to me and my squad that unfortunate day..."
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"We all thought it was going to be a simple run down in to the Clock Works and find some sample for some BioTech that could so much as take a sample from a despiked jelly cube."
The elevator slowly girinded its way down into the chasm Spiral HQ called the "Clock Works" an ever changing world of machinery under neath the surface of cradle. Lopez the Squads Bomber tinkered with a bomb he'd been working on some sort of vaporizer that releases a cloud that stuns enemies ,but not us. John a geo knight and Susan the all knowing striker where playing catch with a dread venom striker while I watched. Their going to get them selflves or me killed I thought to my self. There was a sudden lurch as the elevator came to a halt. I checked the Hud I had contingently installed in my glasses depth 20 S5 T3 is what it said and just by looking around I could Tell one thing fire, fire, fire......
"So any way the sample we where superposed to collect was a zee core now what is that? For some reason a BioTech thinks he could stumble across one in the blast furnace wow.So yeah about my squad we where all tight we had the notion 'nothing could bring us down!' . There was Lopez our good ol' bomber rocked bombs hard. John a geo knight with a good understanding of sword play and rocks. Then there is Susan...."
Susan took point as they advanced thorough the level of the clock works they where on swating away wolvers like they where flies, tackling Lumbers, and evaporating jellys as they went. Finally they came across some thing odd an ascended calibur that was badly scorched and shreds of cobalt armor that was also scorched. "hey John check this out, Dang looks like some unlucky soul suffered a painful death. What do you think did this?" Asked Lopez "I realy don't want to find out..." Whispered John staring at the blade. "Lets think about this later first lets find a place to set up camp." I said trying to pull their atention away from the blade. "yeah lets get going" said Susan.
"Regret is the only word I can think of... I regret not thinking of what had done that to that poor fellow. If only I had thought a little bit more rationaly or noticed the slight blur may be I could have stopped this all..."
We traveled a bit further and came to this large room upon entering it set off multiple traps constructs poped out of the floor, and gun puppies on plat forms we couldn't reach. "Hey Lopez?" I called out. "Yeah what?" He replied "Now would be a good time for that new bomb." I Yelped as Susan Started to charge the mass of constructs ranging from retrodes to scuttle bots she dropped the hammer quite literally. John fallowed up swinging his hacking away at constructs with his boltbrand and shooting his nova driver into a mass of others. Lopez Darted in to the middle of the fray while setting the bomb to detonate. As he set the bomb down I hefted my SuperNova and started to release multiple burst of 2 shots on the gun puppies. while doing this I didn't notice some thing small yet vicious sneak up and bit down hard on my leg. "Argh!" I yelled and quickly unhooked the Barbolus Thorn Blade I kept at my side an slashed at what ever was there, but what ever it was had disappeared. How... was all I wondered and returned to gunning down the gun puppies. While that occurred the rest fought the constructs Lopez's bomb hadn't done any thing he was a bit mad over that but in stead he dropped a deconstructer to right his wrong. After it went off they mopped up the few stragglers and joined in on destroying the gun puppies.
"I was luck the bite hadn't even pierced my armor ,but I had a wicked bruise and was left limping and my leg had started to burn up a bit as if it came in contact with molten rock. So I downed a remedy pill and a health capsule and returned to traversing the Blast furnace..."
"Here this looks like a good spot to set up camp" Said John staring at the flat plat form they had chosen. "Alright I could use a rest" stated Susan with a sigh. " I'll set up camp" Said in between the swigs of water he took from his canteen. "Alright" I said and floped on to my sleeping which I just threw down. " I'm going to sleep." "I'll take sentry duty tonight" John said almost as if it where fun. No one responded they where all at work with what they where going to do.
##### Error in recording divice audio lost playing Fragments left#####
"Wors------sala------fir-----Jo-----dea-----d---n't------------mak--------my------ mis-----taake---."
I heard a scream, John lay on the ground covered in liquid fire he lay there not moving his eyes faded away..... Susan Tried to get up but some thing was on top of her. She tried to reach for her blade but another one of those monsters was on top of it and bit down on her hand I would have heard the scream if the same stuff that enveloped John hadn't covered her. I acted like I was dead and was over looked besides from being knocked out....
I woke up with a start and looked around all I saw was death and destruction I was happy I couldn't find my friends body's just for the sake of my will being broken tears welling in my eyes I paid my last respects and set off away from this place to an elevator that would take me back to haven and file the mission report as failed....
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Jose Stared at the camp site a little more afraid then he felt he should. He quickly surmised what he had just read set the record box down and took out a small bomb. He set the timer and ran from that place an scar on the land, a grave yard. He ran to the nearest elevator and set it to ascend back to haven never will he go on a mission for a BioTech wanting a zee core, never.
Fr, 08/23/2013 - 17:35
#2
This is a heavy top to bottom interigation, please don't be offended, you asked for critique, and this is what I have to say. Besides the spelling errors, you really want to look at your grammar. It was quite broken and difficult to read at times.
For example, *"Here this looks like a good spot to set up camp" Said John staring at the flat plat form they had chosen. "Alright I could use a rest" stated Susan with a sigh. " I'll set up camp" Said in between the swigs of water he took from his canteen. "Alright" I said and floped on to my sleeping which I just threw down. " I'm going to sleep." "I'll take sentry duty tonight" John said almost as if it where fun. No one responded they where all at work with what they where going to do.*
Who was the one taking swigs of water? It is unclear because you have multiple people speaking. I would assume it is Susan, because she is the one that just spoke, however you go on to use 'he'. Also, I'm not sure what is happening in the last sentence, but I think they are just doing whatever they were doing. Also remember to place commas to break up your writing a bit, allowing the reader to take breaks and separate different ideas from one another. When you say "Here this looks like a good spot to set up camp." Place a comma after 'here', that way, it sounds more natural; instead of constant, no pauses, robotic like reading.
It is also important to go over your writing and think about your audience, even if it makes sense to you, will it make sense to other people? Spacing is also important. I'm glad you didn't create a block of text, but try breaking up dialogue so it is easier to tell who is talking.
As for the story and idea, it was a bit tricky to understand what was going on, but I'm guessing that a group of knights was on a mission to find a Zee Core, but some mysterious creature killed all but one. The story itself was fine, the fact that you made the bomb not work is great, by having some occasional failures, it makes the writing more realistic and believable. The way you added the error in the voice recording to develop suspicion was a clever call on your part as well! Because this story is based off a voice recording, it would have been nice if that Jose guy was given a bit more reaction, otherwise it was pretty unique to tell the sorry like that.
And one of the most important: in order for people to really get engaged in a story, it's important that they can really relate and empathize with the characters, that way, when someone dies, it leaves a bigger impression. Describing and executing your characters personalities are one of the most challenging but vital things in writing.
Aaannd that's all I can think about for now, if you want more, which I doubt, just ask. And please remember, I didn't mean to offend you in any way.
Fr, 08/23/2013 - 19:57
#3
Pretend I wrote something clever here
Like Nearly Headless Nick, your concept is fine but the execution was sloppy. Your grammar needs work, and there are a handful of spelling mistakes as well (acknowledging that is good first step, but fixing it is the second and more important one). Your formatting could also use work (for example, you don't don't start a new paragraphs when the a different character starts talking, which confuses your reader and blocks up the text). You shift perspective several times, flipping between 1st and third person. The last thing I'll bring is that your description is a little flat, both in characters and in actions. You use a lot of 'tell don't show" instead of having your character's actions convey their personalities and skills. For example, in my fanfic "For the Order" (yes I'm tooting my own horn, but I'm doing so to illustrate a point) you get a rough idea of the characters from their actions or the reactions of the other characters. Santis is strong, Rascus is weaker but agile, and is also a prankster, Jayko is fast, etc. Your narration of the actions is also poor. For example, compare these 2 sentences.
Yours: "John fallowed up swinging his hacking away at constructs with his boltbrand"
Mine: "As the constructs recovered from Sarah's sudden charge, John surged into the gap she'd opened. Electricity arced from machine to machine as slashed though the crowd with his boltbrand, the glowing discharges casting him in an eerie blue light"
I'm not trying to be cruel, but on the other hand you won't improve as a writer if I hold your hand. You have a workable 1st draft here, and you could have something amazing if you keep working on it.
Generally, you're doing fine. Just try to stray from spelling errors and some unnecessary CAPS-locking.
From a scale of 1 to 10, I give you a 7.
If anyone else would like a score, ask.