(This entire story is based on true events, with extreme exaggeration and injected humor. Some might be offended, but most won't. Enjoy, and give feedback if you want.)

Before I start, I want to say that I used to live a normal life, drinking unhealthy energy beverages and taking pictures of squirrels and whatnot. Life was simple, until the day I set on an adventure through the strange depths of the internet known only as "the clockworks."

It all started when I was on Water Vapor, a product made by a company called Faucet. Water Vapor was my main hub for buying cliche zombie games and talking with my reject friends (who also liked taking pictures of squirrels). I saw one of my friends playing a game which was not released on Water Vapor, called "Spiral Knights." Unable to understand a correlation between spirals and knights, I kindly pestered my friend as to what he was doing. The only response I received was "pls i need cr dude i have to craft shiv so i can vana pls omg." I became frightened for some reason, as his lack of proper English language technique was absolutely baffling. I immediately removed him and blocked him for good measure. A few days later, this mystery game poofed onto Water Vapor's homepage, with a fabulous banner telling me exactly why I should be playing it. Being a consumer, I had no other choice than to download the game and figure out what a "vana" was. After all, my old friend seemed to find it pretty important.

I was dropped into a place known as the Haven, where Anglo citizens far and wide could come together and struggle to speak English. I was perplexed by all of the things surrounding me, all donning small armors with ridiculous accessories. Ignoring them, I began quickly spending all of my mist energy running through the clockworks and coming back to the Haven to buy more energy for a smaller price than my game earnings. I achieved some "tier 2" gear, fought a giant wad of grape jelly, and began to worry that I was hallucinating. I stopped playing for a while.

During my absence, few more of my Water Vapor friends had picked up the game, and wanted me to come with them into the clockworks. To this day, I still don't know why I pulled this dust-collecting game back out of my library, but I actually obliged. I was greeted by a new mission system when I booted the game up, and slowly worked my way up to Vanguard as I came to discover what "vana" was: a silly abbreviation for an oddly named boss enemy. This boss run seemed to be the only worthwhile part of the game for most people. Upon reaching Vanguard, "vana" is the only thing I was ever asked to play: "please vana? vana? i have blitz!"

I was almost scared away again, until I received a "guild invite."

A safehaven of sane-minded people suddenly popped into existence at the click of a button that read, "accept invitation." There was a variety of character to be observed in this guild: people who never seemed to sleep, people who had probably fallen off of the face of the earth, people who never said anything, and people who would never shut up. Despite the diversity, it was oddly comforting. That was, until I stepped foot into their "guild hall."

A guild hall, as I learned, was a place where people could waste their money to make virtual tile-based rooms that look horrible. However, I had strong feelings about just how bad this guild hall looked. In the middle of July, the guild donned Christmas accessories that sat nearby Halloween accessories that sat nearby gigantic statues of overweight black porcupines and that grape jelly monster that made me believe I was overdosing. What a mess! My obsessions turned to compulsions, and I quickly organized the furniture in the guild hall.

When I got back on, I was met with a double-demotion and a Message of the Day scorning my very existence on planet Cradle. I felt so vilified. What happened next was dark, very dark. I began consuming large portions of alcohol at a time, and I slowly transformed into the pests of the Haven. My English was awful, I was more bitter than a Vile Striker, and I was quickly booted from the guild.

I woke up with a hangover the next morning, and got back online to see my fresh, guild-free knight in all of his sorrow. Strolling around the Haven, I ran into someone... someone very peculiar. A thug. The strangest thing about this thug was that he couldn't say anything other than "69." There were small variations, such as "<69," but it wasn't enough of a difference for me to understand his ways. There was something oddly charming about him though, and I followed him around until he lead me to a strange place. The only thing I picked up through his 69s was something about silent echoes. I was intrigued.

I was immediately prompted to fill out a survey. All of the questions were just 69s. I aced it pretty easily; I had been slowly learning this "69 moonspeak" from the thug I had been following. I got another guild invite, to a place where echoes were apparently silent. I didn't really understand it, but my little knight was longing for company, and I believed I could find it here.

When I got into the guild, I came to realize they were some sort of cult that worships the game. Only speaking in sixes and nines, they had amassed a grand arsenal of the best gear in all of Cradle. A truly noble gem, it was. I became captivated in my journey from this point on. I would be approached by a fresh knight asking for in-game currency, and upon screaming "69!!! 69!!!!!!!!!!" at him, he seemed to bother me no further. I had learned a new power to assist me in conquering my way through the world of Spiral Knights. However, it all abruptly came to an end. I noticed I wasn't seeing any more 69s in the guild chat. I noticed I couldn't use the guild chat. I then noticed I was no longer in a guild.

Slowly, the thug walked up to me. He stood there for a second, using every bit of his energy to muster up a coherent sentence. It's the only time I ever heard him speak in a comprehensible tongue. The thug told me "your echoes are not silent enough," and walked off. I never saw him again.

The game became monotonous and stale. All of my powers had vanished when I was removed. All of my attempts to use the 69 to my advantage were gone. When I shouted it, the only response I got was "shut up ur not even in eos wow," which I can only assume is some sort of secret code.

I hopped from guild to guild. I saw pathetic, empty guilds with staff members begging me for every last bit of my knight's precious money. I saw huge guilds with tons of riff-raff knights who also begged me for every last bit of my knight's precious money.

I tried to quit playing Spiral Knights... but I couldn't.

I had learned so much from this game. I had invested nearly a thousand hours of my existence playing "vana" and collecting recipes for terrible weapons I would never end up crafting. It's become a part of me. It's ruining my life.

And I just can't stop.

pls i need 3 ppl 4 vana, i have blitz & shiv