Spiral Knights - Goodman and the Adventures of Genericism

Goodman and the Adventures of Genericism

19 replies [Last post]

Sun, 11/23/2014 - 21:04

Tehepicwin

My mind is a dump. There, I said it. It's time that there was a story in this section of the forum, so here I present the first chapter of:

GOODMAN AND THE ADVENTURES OF GENERICISM

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Chapter 1: Evilman and His Minions

Once upon a time, humanity stretched its reach across the Milky Way. They populated several star systems, but with more people comes...

MORE EVIL.

A group of heroes banded together and called themselves "The Heroes", while the murderers, bank robbers, and pencil thieves banded together and called themselves "The Villains". Over time, the Villains gained power. All hope was lost until the generic prophecy known as "The Prophecy" was created by a man named Prophecy Maker. On his death bed, he predicted that an unoriginal character named Goodman would overthrow the Dark Lord Evilman. His prediction came to pass when seventeen year old Goodman swore to defeat Evilman.

In present day...

Goodman pilots his trusty spaceship Steed over to Ur-Anus, Evilman's newest terraforming planet victim to save the lives of the countless people living on it. Once Goodman achieves a stable orbit, he uses his voice commands to land on the hazy rock planet. Evilman's terraforming device looks like a giant fan attached to a generator that is right beside about a hundred space huts.

It wasn't long before Evilman, the black-caped man, walks out of one of the huts and says, "Oh no, not you again!" He takes out his radio. "Axe-Knifeman and Greave-Footman, come to the terraformer immediately!" Two men run up beside him a second later, arms crossed. Goodman prepares to fight Evilman's minions for the thousandth time.

Axe-Knifeman, the larger of the two, whips out a golden axe with a knife on the handle. Greave-Footman stomps on the ground, which turns the heels on his shoes into guns and his calf protectors into blades. Goodman takes his giant ass sword out of its sheath, preparing for the minions to attack first. Greave-Footman yells and charges directly at Goodman. Once five meters away, he shoots his gun feet to launch himself upward. Goodman, who already expected this, ducks and grabs Greave-Footman's feet. Greave-Footman, not wanting to get another concussion, uses his guns to get back down on the ground. He spins to force Goodman to let go, following his spin with an immediate sweep kick. Goodman falls over, so Axe-Knifeman leaps and drives his axe blade into Goodman's chest. Fortunately, Goodman wore his special armour known as Plot Armor to the battle today, allowing him to survive all sorts of blows with confidence. Goodman wildly slashes his sword around, which makes the minions jump back. He pushes himself off the ground, ready for round two.

This time, Axe-Knifeman attacks first. Before going for the strike itself, he ducks and spins at the same time. He uses the momentum to forcefully slash at Goodman. However, Goodman counters with a jump kick before Axe-Knifeman is able to make contact. Unfortunately for Goodman, Greave-Footman notices this opportunity to kill Goodman. Goodman knows that he will inevitably take a hit, so he slashes Axe-Knifeman, which somehow knocks Axe-Knifeman out. Greave-Footman runs up, spinning heel kicks Goodman in the chest, and shoots him in the chest for good measure. Yet again, Plot Armor saves Goodman. Goodman exploits his invincibility by blindly slashing at Greave-Footman. Greave-Footman deals a hard back kick, but Goodman is unfazed and grabs Greave-Footman while stabbing him up the anus.

With the minions knocked out, Evilman realizes his situation. He says, "Oh no, the Heroes have prevailed again! I should switch to the good side, but whatever. I am evil! Time to escape again." Evilman throws a smoke bomb onto the ground, disappearing in the mist. Meanwhile, Goodman presses the self-destruct button on the terraformer. The terraformer shakes violently, though it gives Goodman barely enough time to rush back into the Steed. Ur-Anus is saved, despite having a crater the size of its name. Somehow, Axe-Knifeman and Greave-Footman survive the blast, which conveniently gives them the ability to rejoin the evil ranks.

Once again, the day is saved. The victory is bitter sweet yet again, but tune in next time for the thrilling second episode of...

GOODMAN AND THE ADVENTURES OF GENERICISM
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That was fun to write.

Lol.

Sun, 12/14/2014 - 20:59

Tehepicwin

Chapter 2: Goodman and His Generic Past

You may be wondering about the tragic past of Goodman, the particularly stock fellow. Now, it is time for us to display his generic past, the moment that led to his eventual vow to defeat Evilman. Ten years ago...

Goodman comes back from school in his redneck town. Goodman conveniently lives on the most dangerous and crime-ridden street: Murder Street. Despite the obvious fact that they could move to a different place at any time, Goodman's father known as MightAsWellBeDeadRightNow repeatedly stated that he wanted Goodman to have a good future.

What a load of crap.

Anyway, Goodman comes back from school and finds his parents arguing. This one moment somehow emotionally traumatizes Goodman, though he is most certainly traumatized when his mother Divorcer lives up to her name and says that she wants to break up.

A day later, MightAsWellBeDeadRightNow comes back from the radioactive plant he works at with terrible news. His co-worker, Evilman, accidentally spilled radioactive anal fluid from an anal ripper shark-cow hybrid that was grown inside the anus of an Alaskan Firedragon on himself. This gave Evilman incredible intelligence, speed, strength, and obviously turned him into a bad guy. Goodman runs away from home just because his dad forgot to buy him the sausage he asked for five months ago.

Seven year old Goodman walks up and down Murder Street for six hours. Little did he know that Evilman was hunting him, sneaking through the suburbs, creeping through the shadows, and hiding behind kittens. MightAsWellBeDeadRightNow figures this out when he sees Evilman about to stab Goodman with a knife, even though the father saw Evilman dozens of times already. MightAsWellBeDeadRightNow tries to sneak up on Evilman, but Evilman hears him at the last second and swiftly turns around. Evilman`s knife enters the douchebag`s chest, and then Evilman runs away for no reason. Goodman walks around the neighborhood some more until he finds his father dying on the sidewalk.

``NOOOOOO!``

This is the origin story of Goodman, what eventually drove him to take the eternal quest to take down Evilman. A quest of romance, death, friends, time, space, the universe, and of course banging random chicks that he saves a moment before.

See you next time for an epic new installment of...

GOODMAN AND THE ADVENTURES OF GENERICISM

Mon, 12/15/2014 - 16:08

Crazee-Pi-Forum

This is a SPACE NARWHAL ON A POGO STICK free zone!

I imagine Goodman will later meet GuyWho'sActuallyABadGuyButPretendsToBeAGoodGuy, who helps Goodman defeat Evilman, then GuyWho'sActuallyABadGuyButPretendsToBeAGoodGuy betrays Goodman and takes all of Evilman's stuff for evil reasons. GuyWho'sActuallyABadGuyButPretendsToBeAGoodGuy reveals himself to be GuyWho'sActuallyABadGuyWhoUsedTheHeroToGetWhatHeWants. Evilman somehow is revealed to be still alive and for some reason was actually a good guy all along, then Goodman has not-so-epic fight against GuyWho'sActuallyABadGuyWhoUsedTheHeroToBeABadGuy with some help from Evilman. Evilman doesn't help that much though. Then Goodman defeats GuyWho'sActuallyABadGuyWhoUsedTheHeroToGetWhatHeWants because he's the good guy and everyone was happy.

Mon, 12/15/2014 - 19:40

Tehepicwin

Chapter 3: Evilman and His Minions

We now return to the present day. I highly doubt you are curious about the minions of Evilman, but it is crucial to the story's plot that I do so. Or maybe it isn't. Or is it? Yes, it is definitely crucial, except if it isn't. But if it isn't, then why am I creating these questions. Or am I? Or am I not creating these redundant questions? No, they are definitely relevant.

On the highest floor in the highest tower on the planet Terminus, there is Evilman's throne room. Evilman is sitting on his throne while his minions have pulled up stools in front of him. They aren't lowlife enough to sit on the floor or kneel in front of the cocksucker.

Evilman says, "Minions, I have a very important message for you. While our recent defeat was a disastrous blow to our replaceable army, it is obvious that we must move forward to prevent future disasters. Are we clear? Never mind, you can't disagree with me anyway. I need you two to give me suggestions on how to kill Goodman once and for all."

Axe-Knifeman says, "I have the most amazing idea that will most definitely work! First, we send in the scouts to get slaughtered. Second, we send in our small demon army. Third, send in the Royal Guards of Evil. They will all attack one at a time. Fourth, Greave-Footman will charge first, launching himself into the air exactly five meters away. Fif-"

Greave-Footman quickly bangs his fist on the stool and shouts, "Idiot, that never works! I have a much better idea. My lord, I am sure you have noticed Goodman's invincibility. This is most likely due to a special transcendent armor class that he wears known as Plot Armor. We don't have Plot Armor piercing weaponry, but we CAN upgrade our current setup. Right now we are using Evil Armor, which by the will of the stars gets us knocked out automatically, forces us to make crappy decisions, and go to the good side. To solve this obvious problem, we need to get Plot Armor."

Evilman rubs his chin. After a minute of staring at the ceiling, he murmurs, "True, but how do we get this Plot Armor? Madman, our scientist, doesn't have these transcendent-grade materials you talk about. He only has some shape shifting potions and DNA locators."

Greave-Footman jumps up and says, "Shape shifting? DNA locators? I know exactly what we're going to do."

Axe-Knifeman says, "I still like my idea better."

Greave-Footman replies, "Shut up, idiot. On the highest floor in the highest tower on the planet Extraterra, there is said to be a machine that can directly link souls to speak to the stars above. The stars are absolutely retarded, so they will grant any wish. We are not strong enough to go there by ourselves, but..."

Evilman asks, "But what? What do we have to do?"

Greave-Footman says, "Start up the Evil Flyer, get us the shape shifting potions, get us the DNA locators, and find out Goodman's DNA code."
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A day later, Goodman conveniently travels to Extraterra in order to speed up the plot and upgrade his transcendent gear. Not long after touching down...

A tall man and a smaller man point at Goodman while walking towards him. "Hey you," the smaller man says, "Are you looking for the tallest tower? I can lead you there."

What suspense! Will Goodman figure out the identity of the duo before it's too late? Find out next time in...

GOODMAN AND THE ADVENTURES OF GENERICISM

Wed, 12/17/2014 - 17:41

Tehepicwin

Chapter 4: Goodman, the Minions, and the Seemingly Omniscient

For some odd reason, Goodman only takes one look at the duo and decides to trust them. Greave-Footman talks about a lot of junk, such as needing to get his puppy back from the dead and going to speak to the stars. Good guys always act stupidly so the authors can shove morals down throats, and this case is no different.

The trio walk over to the town called Happy, where there happens to be a bar. They all order beers until Axe-Knifeman needs to piss. Axe-Knifeman hurries over to the toilet and takes a nice s**t, but right after he comes out...

"Hey you!" says a random guy. "You're a murderer. I just know that you're one of Evilman's minions! Don't question how. I just know! Bow down to me you scum!"

Axe-Knifeman has to make a split second decision. Should he gag the man? Should he kill the man? Axe-Knifeman is much better at doing the latter, so he swiftly takes out his ax and slices him down the center of his forehead. Axe-Knifeman knows that you have to hide bodies. Conveniently, there is an open door leading to a closet. He stuffs the dead body into a towel bin, right before Greave-Footman also decides to take a piss. The piss feels good, but right after he comes out...

"Hey you!" says another random guy. "You're a murderer. I just know that you're one of Evilman's minions! Don't question how. I just know! Bow down to me you scum!"

This time, Greave-Footman has to make a split second decision. Greave-Footman is instantly taken over by primal instinct, so it isn't really a decision anyway. Greave-Footman stomps on the ground, then immediately slashes the man across the face. Greave-Footman's gaze travels all over, but he finally settles on hiding the body in a nearby closet. At this point, Axe-Knifeman has drunk enough to throw up and rushes over to a toilet. The throwing-up feels terrible, but right after he comes out...

"Hey you!" says yet another random guy. "You're a murderer. I just know that you're one of Evilman's minions! Don't question how. I just know! Bow down to me you scum!"

Axe-Knifeman goes through the same decision making process again, except this time he decapitates the guy. Axe-Knifeman then hauls the body into the closet, hoping nobody saw him doing the crime. Finally, Goodman decides that he has to take a piss. The epic piss is epic, but right after he comes out...

"Hey you!" says ANOTHER random guy. "You're a hero. I just know that you're a hero! Don't question how. I just know! I'm scum and I will bow down to your divine spirit!"

Goodman, in a moment of forced anti-heroism, takes out his sword and stabs him in the chest. Goodman looks for a hiding spot, before finally settling on a closet. The moment he looks inside, he notices the other three bodies. Without blinking an eye in yet another forced anti-heroic action, he stuffs the body inside a broom bucket. Greave-Footman notices Goodman's action, decides that they've been at the bar long enough, and tells the group that they should leave.

What horror! Will Axe-Knifeman ever recover from the hangover? Will Greave-Footman finally manage to supervise Axe-Knifeman properly? Will Goodman become a pure anti-hero? Come back next time to find out in...

GOODMAN AND THE ADVENTURES OF GENERICISM

Mon, 12/22/2014 - 21:56

Tehepicwin

Chapter 5: Goodman vs. The Mercs

We now find Goodman and the bad people pretending to be good walking down a dusty and forested path. The author must really want to drill in the setting, so here goes:

The lush green leaves on the trees glow like emeralds, emeralds so pure that they have not seen the stars for an eternity. They glow, illuminating the path for the party, with a nearly divine light. The brightness, the reason for life, dissipates slowly as the crystals on the path also darken. A moment later, the whole path is dark.

You may be wondering what kind of lazy half-assed generic trick the author has pulled on you this time. I can assure you that you read that whole pile of purple prose BS for nothing, because now the setting will switch. And then switch again.

The group conveniently comes across a nearby inn. Due to time constraints, let's just say the members of the group each get their own rooms and Goodman decides to go outside into the dark forest. At night. Where there have been reports of people who touch other people in unspeakable places. Yes, those kind of people hang out in the forest at night. Got that kids? Don't bang each other in the forest.

Anyway, Goodman is outside hunting for gold pieces. He breaks every random pot he comes across, even though there aren't any pots in the forest. Goodman then comes across a clearing. Fortunately for the sake of plot and character development, Goodman has made a circle and is behind the inn where everyone can see. I expect that you expect some mercs to fight Goodman now, mostly because you saw "the Mercs" in the name of this chapter. You would be wrong, because more random BS has to happen.

Goodman sees a cat. In order to reinforce his inner conflict, Goodman contemplates whether to give the cat a chunk of meat he found earlier. Will he? Will he not? To reinforce his "goodness," Goodman gives the cat the meat. Yay. Yes, this is the part where the Mercs come in.

A giant flame erupts on top of the cat. To Goodman's horror, two people come out of the flame and crush the cat. For the sake of brevity(fancy word for laziness), the male merc with the two-handed sword is Crank and the female merc with the two daggers is Melodious. Crank is wearing a full suit of black armor, while Melodious has a full suit of blue armor.

Crank says, "Goodman, our secret crime lord boss has ordered us to terminate you. Mel, you go first. It is in our orders that we attack one at a time."

Melodious, who is curling her body inward a little, quietly says, "Okay."

Melodious holds up her daggers and runs at Goodman. Goodman is confident, but Crank takes out a button and presses it. Goodman, shocked, realizes that Crank used a Plot Armor jammer. Goodman knows that he is in serious trouble. Melodious is now close to Goodman and wildly slashes, three times with each dagger. Goodman cannot take a single hit, or there will be a 99.9% chance of him dying. Yes, later in the story he will beat the 99.9% chance. Because of his weakness, Goodman knows that he must fight conservatively, so he jumps back in order to dodge all of Melodious's slashes. Melodious struggles to recover, which prompts Goodman to kick her in the chest. Goodman prepares to use his own sword to slash Melodious, but...

She disappears in a flame! She must have teleported. Goodman rationalizes this as Crank charges forth to replace his partner. Crank tries to hack off one of Goodman's legs, but Goodman jumps back again and counters with a stab to the chest. Crank's armor stops the stab, but he is still knocked back. Unfortunately for Goodman, Melodious materializes right behind Goodman and knees him in the back. As the force of the blow sends him flying, Goodman uses his momentum to stab Crank again. Somehow, this knocks Crank out.

In another half-assed trope abuse, Melodious stands up tall. A robotic voice on her suit says, "Power Armor: Activate." Melodious glows with the shine of the most beautiful topaz that has settled in the rays of the day in yet another case of purple prose.

Goodman knows that he is REALLY screwed now, so he prepares to get cut. Melodious charges at Goodman, but disappears again! A moment later, she pops back behind Goodman and attempts to stab Goodman. Fortunately, Goodman anticipated this and ducks under the stab. As Goodman counters, Melodious disappears, although she appears again a moment later at Goodman's left side. Goodman is surprised, as he expected her to come out from behind. Melodious uses this chance to cut Goodman across the chest, leaving her dagger slick with blood. Then, Goodman finds another way to abuse tropes.

Goodman, in the only slight pain, remembers his past. In his past, his father MightAsWellBeDeadRightNow was constantly upset at him. Despite the bad moods, Goodman loved his father because he knew that his father was secretly a good man. This was how Goodman got his name in defiance of all logic. Furthermore, Goodman also loved his father because they both tried really hard to make it work. They persevered.

And that is what Goodman must do right now. Goodman must persevere and tough out the light cut on his chest. Melodious teleports behind Goodman again, but Goodman jumps up and viciously strikes her in the head. Melodious is knocked far back, landing right beside Crank. Melodious's armor has now returned to its normal colour. She takes out her own button and the two mercs teleport far away in a flame.

Axe-Knifeman and Greave-Footman have watched the fight from the inn.

Axe-Knifeman says, "Do you think we should have interfered?"

Greave-Footman replies, "No, why the hell would we dumbass?! If they killed him, we wouldn't have to continue this stupid mission. Wait, did those two people look familiar to you?"

Axe-Knifeman's face widens in shock. "Oh...they're back."

"The mercs Crank and Melodious. Crank with his fancy shield overcharger that he never uses and Melodious with her blue flame teleport module."

"Didn't they beat us all the way back on Venus?"

"Yes, yes they did."

"Shouldn't we tell Evilman about this?"

Greave-Footman grins menacingly. "No, I have a plan this time."

What revelations! Will Goodman survive his next encounter with the mercs? Will Greave-Footman become the Starscream of the new age? Is Axe-Knifeman getting smarter? Find out next time on...

GOODMAN AND THE ADVENTURES OF GENERICISM

Mon, 01/19/2015 - 19:16

Doctorspacebar

What happens next?

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

Mon, 01/19/2015 - 20:10

Tehepicwin

Chapter 6: The Riddles of Life and Death

AN: Sorry, I ran into a creative block.
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The next night, the party finally arrives at the entrance of the tallest tower.

Goodman says, "Thank you for leading me here. I am lucky to have come across you two."

Greave-Footman says, "I think it is only right for us to follow you for the rest of your adventure, you know?"

Axe-Knifeman asks, "Really?"

Greave-Footman glares at Axe-Knifeman and answers, "Of course, idiot! Did you forget why we are here?"

Luckily for the two partners, Goodman interrupts Axe-Knifeman, saying, "Of course, who could forget? We are friends, and friends help each other."

Greave-Footman, struggling to keep his demeanor, says, "Yeah, totally. We totally are here because we are friends. By the way, my partner here knows that the trip to the top of the tower is defended by three knights of stone, each with a riddle. Answer the riddle correct and continue, or get it wrong and die. My partner doesn't know the answers, and he thinks that only you are capable of finding them out. That's one of the reasons why we led you here."

Goodman begins the realize how ridiculous his adventure has been so far. What kind of retard defends a tower with only riddles? Even if they are hard, a random person is bound to get the right answer eventually. Wouldn't it be a good idea to use a sentry gun or something? However, Teh uses his author powers to disrupt Goodman's free will, and forces Goodman to continue along with the adventure anyway.

The group walks to the door of the tower, but a stone knight walks out and asks, "What creature walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three in the evening?"

Greave-Footman says, "What the hell, everyone knows this riddle! It's a human!"

Goodman hopelessly shouts, "No, that's incorrect! It's a monster that transforms from a dog, to a two-legged horse, to a tarantula!"

Greave-Footman, bewildered, replies, "A tarantula doesn't have three legs."

The stone knight raises a stone sword and says, "Goodman is correct, but I only accept the first answer, and the first answer, 'human', was incorrect. Die!" The knight charges at the group, but Goodman leaps forward and slashes the knight in half.

Teh once again uses his author powers to stop all conversation, speed up the plot, and send the group up the stairs. However, another knight intercepts the group along the way. The stone knight asks, "What is two plus two?"

Greave-Footman says, "This isn't even a riddle, is it? Well, the answer is four."

The stone knight shakes his head and growls, "No, it is five." This time, Greave-Footman takes out his miraculously hidden sledgehammer and hits the stone knight in the face. Now that the sledgehammer has been used, he throws it into the author-verse where it disappears.

Greave-Footman sighs, "I should just shut up now, right? Right."

Soon enough, the group reaches the top floor. Guarding a cardboard ACME box is a stone knight. It asks, "What is-"

The riddle is cut off by Axe-Knifeman kicking the stone knight straight through the chest. "Hey," he explains, "We were going to do it anyway." After destroying the stone knight, the group prepares to open the ACME box.

What suspense! Is Axe-Knifeman finally becoming genre savvy? Will Teh ever stop reading Tv Tropes? Will he ever stop interfering with free will? Find out next time on...

GOODMAN AND THE ADVENTURES OF GENERICISM

Mon, 01/26/2015 - 19:48

Tehepicwin

Chapter 7: The Betrayal (Dun dun dun)

Goodman sticks his sword into the opening in the ACME box and pries it open. Surely enough, a telescope hooked up to a microphone is inside, which is a direct communicator to the stars above.

As said earlier.

Goodman prepares to stick the power cord into a conveniently placed electrical outlet, but the suspense-causing betrayal-to-happen happened.

Except you knew what was going to happen, so there was no suspense anyway.

Axe-Knifeman and Greave-Footman use a secret signal to tell each other that it was time to act. They take out their signature weapons and beat the tar out of Goodman. Goodman's Plot Armour takes meth during the beating, conveniently allowing him to be disabled in a time perfect for the plot. How else could the bad guys have this small victory? After beating up Goodman, Greave-Footman starts up the communicator and clears his throat. There is a feeling of wonder as you think about what he will wish for.

Except you already know what it is, killing suspense even more.

Greave-Footman says into the microphone, "Oh stars of Orion, do you hear me?"

A deep and loud voice sounds from the sky. It drones, "We are here. Gary Furnie, what is it that you desire?"

"I desire materials necessary for creating Plot Armour, oh stars of Orion."

The voice pitches up slightly and asks, "Plot Armour materials? We will give them to you if you promise us that you won't use them for evil."

"I promise."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Are you really, really sure?"

"Yes."

"Really, really, REALLY sure?"

"YES GOD DAMN IT!"

"Okay, here are your materials." A pile of shiny rainbow bars falls at the evil duo's feet.

Greave-Footman sighs, "That was ridiculous."

Axe-Knifeman says, "I agree. Well, what do we do now? Goodman is lying there knocked out. Do you think we should do anything about him?"

Greave-Footman's mobile phone rings, so he answers it and Evilman speaks. Evilman says, "I have called to tell you what to do with Goodman. I conveniently know that you just beat him up. I ask you two to leave him there. Goodbye."

Before the duo manages to protest, Evilman hangs up. Following Evilman's orders, they leave Goodman on the tallest floor of the tallest tower on the planet Extraterra. Thus begins their journey back to their spaceship with thousands of tons of transcendent materials. Don't ask how they can carry all that weight.

Hours later, Goodman wakes up with all four of his limbs broken. He wonders what plot convenience will happen next, because he is the hero after all and he can't possibly die.

Which again, kills the suspense.

Nonetheless, what terror! What will the next plot convenience be? Why is Evilman so stupid? Will there ever be a suspenseful moment in this story? Find out next time in...

GOODMAN AND THE ADVENTURES OF GENERICISM

Thu, 01/29/2015 - 22:30

Nechrome

This is beautiful.

Wed, 02/04/2015 - 06:14

#10

Flame-Shinobi

So GENERIC

MAH FACE ASPLODED! I think that Goodman's limbs will magically disappear and be replaced by tank treads and giant cannons! No... okay then....

Thu, 03/19/2015 - 11:27

#11

Arylide

ARISE! Jk, it was on the second page.

Whatever happened to Goodman!?

Tue, 04/28/2015 - 19:44

#12

Tehepicwin

Hello

I'll update it this week.

I promise.

Tue, 04/28/2015 - 21:46

#13

Xteri

FIsh

Yay

Wed, 04/29/2015 - 15:50

#14

Tehepicwin

Chapter 8: Goodman vs. The Mercs Round 2

AN: Yes, I'm back. Hopefully the story still feels soulful and all that mystical derp, since I've been away for a very long time. I love writing this, but sometimes I just feel like doing other things, like playing:

Warning Forever
Dwarf Fortress
Captain Forever
Contract Wars
Ridge Racer 7
Metal Gear Solid 4

Anyway, I'm back. Enjoy!

Also, ****. Some weird crap happened where I suddenly became unauthorized to post, and I had to restart from the beginning of the fight. It was supposed to be a lot better, but I only copied the story up to there and forgot what the fight was supposed to be like. Writing becomes tedious when you're being forced to rewrite it.
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Right before blacking out from the pain again, Goodman sees two pairs of boots standing beside him. One pair is black, and the other pair is blue. Yes, these people are you-know-who.

Eventually, after waking up, Goodman finds himself inside a wide open room with the mercs standing before him.

Melodious rubs Goodman's chin with her leather glove and says, "Did you have fun with those two minions? Well, if it was boring, then YOU can play with ME. Mhm, mhm, mhm. Don't you want to dance with me today?"

Goodman asks Crank, "Did you spike her food with crack or something?"

Crank replies, "Um, no. Ever since fighting with you, she became obsessed and grew a massive fetish for corpses. Especially yours."

"I see..."

Melodious continues, "Wow, look at you! I bet your body will look great on my mantle, or maybe in my bed..."

"Crank, this is getting really creepy."

Goodman looks over at Crank, who answers Goodman's concerns by muttering, '"Holy crap, she was good last night..."

"WHAT!?"

Goodman, now extremely shocked, goes back into a state of incredible confusion. Was Melodious making a really bad attempt at appealing to the fetishes of the audience? Was this some kind of screwed up fan service? Teh finds this train of thought extremely funny, so he doesn't interfere with Goodman's free will.

Thus, Goodman continues his thought. Everything about this story seems so...generic. If he imagines the generic story, it's almost guaranteed that he finds out what is going on. Eventually, Goodman ponders that Melodious has...

Fallen in love with him. Right.

At least if Goodman can bang a chick, shouldn't that chick be a hot one who he saves a moment before? Why does the person who likes him have to be a psychopathic murderer? Teh finds that the funniness of the thought ends here, so he interferes with Goodman's free will and allows the mercs to continue talking.

Melodious, swaying her hips, swoons, "Aren't you a strong person? C'mon, let's get you the cure for Broken-Bone-itis."

Crank says, "Yeah, Madman should have brewed up the cure for that disease."

Madman? Goodman realizes that these mercs must be related to Evilman! How else would they be in contact with Madman? Crank opens a cardboard box, and he finds a white note. Crank reads, "Okay, Greave-Footman wants us to give him the cure and fight him. He also wants us to boast about how good we are at killing people. And...HOLY ****!"

Melodious finally directs her attention at Crank, asking, "Wait, what's so amazing?" She takes the note from Crank's hands. "Wait, he wants us to NOT disable Goodman's plot armour, and then WE get to use Plot Armour ourselves?"

Goodman says, "Crap."

And did the mercs just mention Greave-Footman? But, if an order comes, shouldn't it be from Evilman? That's strange. However, it is a revelation for another chapter, so Teh uses the Hand of Author to slap Goodman in the face. Goodman's memory is partially wiped, leaving him temporarily clueless about the Greave-Footman/Evilman thing. Now, Teh can bait for another chapter and make more generidollars.

Melodious doesn't waste any time at all. She jumps onto the box, tears it open with her hands, and takes out a gigantic syringe. Filling up the syringe with a purple liquid, she screams, "Let us finally, TRULY, dance with each other!"

Before Melodious can inject Goodman and probably kill him in the process, Crank grabs Melodious. He says, "Mel, we have to get our Plot Armour!"

Melodious looks down in sadness, but she reluctantly follows Crank with the crate holding the Plot Armour.

A few minutes later, the mercs come back out. Crank's armour is now glowing shades of white, grey, and black, while Melodious's armour glows rainbow. Melodious shouts at Goodman, "Let's have some FUN, GOODMAN!"

This time, Melodious runs too quickly to be stopped by Crank. She grabs the syringe, leaps onto Goodman, slams him onto the ground, and injects the syringe into his neck. Goodman's body feels like anus as the drug works its way to his broken limbs, but his Plot Armour suppresses the pain and speeds up the process.

Goodman forcefully shoves Melodious off, making her armour glow an incredible crimson. The mercs stand side-by-side, with Goodman pulling himself off the ground.

Goodman takes out his sword. Crank takes out his claymore. Melodious takes out her daggers. The mercs say, "We're going to kick your ass."

It's time for round 2.

Goodman anticipates that Melodious will charge first again, and Melodious proves him right by wildly running forward. However, due to her predictability, Goodman stabs Melodious, following his stab with an immediate slash to the head. Because Melodious is wearing Plot Armour, the attack does not harm her at all, instead only knocking her down.

In the meantime, Crank stands back with unreasonable caution. After an extremely tense moment, Crank punches the ground with all of his might. Suddenly, a green transparent shield appears in front of Crank right before he disappears. Goodman discovers that Crank used a shield overcharger, since the best shield, after all, is to phase into an alternate dimension.

Melodious is about to get off the ground, so Goodman prepares to slash her again. Unfortunately, Goodman forgot about her armour's ability. Melodious teleports right above Goodman, kicks him down, and stabs him. Crank comes back into the normal dimension, wildly slashing Goodman's chest.

Goodman spin-attacks the mercs, striking their legs and knocking them down. Due to Plot Armour, they suffer no actual injuries. All three fighters stand back up, preparing for the next attack.

Surprisingly, this time Crank charges first with Melodious following closely behind. In yet another turn of events, Crank grabs Melodious by the leg and swings her at Goodman. Melodious, already thirsty for the potential albeit unlikely blood, cross-slashes Goodman in the face. Then, she repeatedly stabs Goodman all over his body before Crank joins in by swinging his claymore at Goodman.

The attack launches Goodman into a wall, where he discovers, to his horror, that his Plot Armour has been breached. How could this happen? Goodman remembers the commonly told moral of over-reliance and realizes that this case is no different. Given the context of the story, it's still pretty damn bizarre how something such as Plot Armour is the thing that fails.

Crank readies his sword. Melodious licks her dagger. She says, "Oh, this is a dream come true..."

What mind screw! Will Melodious get over her fetish? Will Crank be able to control his partner? Will Goodman find a way to create a plot convenience himself, rather than rely on the story to make one for him? Find out next time in...

GOODMAN AND THE ADVENTURES OF GENERICISM
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AN: And that's the first chapter in a long while. Please, tell me what you think!

Sun, 05/10/2015 - 09:53

#15

Saucce

Hmm... Apocreans Vs. Doomsday, the world may never know

I NEED TO NOSE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

Wed, 05/13/2015 - 21:25

#16

Xteri

????!!!!?!?!?!

WHaT haPpeNs??????

Ermmergurd!!
My curiosity has been awoken. time for a cup of tea.

Wed, 01/06/2016 - 18:10

#17

Crazee-Pi-Forum

Remember, don't shoot food.

Bump.

I want the next chapter, even if I have to make it myself.

Wed, 01/06/2016 - 21:50

#18

Corporal-Shade

I'm a Wizard

Then do it for the sake of goodness.

Wed, 08/23/2017 - 14:20

#19

Crazee-Pi-Forum

Remember, don't shoot food.

Here's a yearly bump.

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Goodman and the Adventures of Genericism