Spiral Knights - spiral knights, the orchid rose squad, chapter 1 the arrival

spiral knights, the orchid rose squad, chapter 1 the arrival

10 replies [Last post]

Thu, 06/30/2011 - 19:25

Halisi

Spiral knights
The orchid rose squad
Chapter 1 the arrival

The “plasma enerbolia hominis” aka, plas knight an interesting energy being known for there ability to solidify there energy bodies at will. These beings are a fascinating wonder of science. There bodies are made of a substance called “mist enerbolia”, while there nervous systems are made of a type of flexible polycarbonate, while there brains are made of an energy unown to us. Haha but how rude of me I forgot my manners, people call me orchid, but my real name is halisi spirol. I am the leader of the orchid rose squad and I’m also an avid scientist who is currently studying our body make up but lets worry about that later i'll tell you about my journey into the world called cradle if you will allow me.
October 1, 2030
Halisi…halisi…HALISI…hmmm what...were am I. I don’t know but the skylark crashed and we are on this weird planet. The skylark crashed are you sure. Yes I’m completely sure halisi. "sigh" I guess so loral do you know where the others are. Yes there scouting ahead, and it would be a good idea if we caught up too them soon halisi. Alright, alright lets get going then. Later… halisi leans on a rock and starts gasping for air, man the creatures on this planet are viscous I need a breather. I guess so halisi, in the meantime I’ll try to radio horis, sam, and haley wait here. Don’t forget that I’m the leader here loral. Yeah yeah I know halisi.
While we wait for that I’ll provide some backstory, we were actually heading for a distress signal when our engines failed on us, and we crashed on the planet of cradle… ack. No time for that halisi we’ve got to move now.HEY.

Thu, 06/30/2011 - 19:30

Halisi

thanks for reading

hi this is chapter 1 of my new fanstory i hope you like it sorry if it seems short chapter 2 will be up soon i made a ryme haha. anyways thanks for reading ciao. disclaimer (i do not own spiral knights, i only own the characters, and most of the story)

Thu, 06/30/2011 - 19:46

Fly18

Legacy Username

I'm glad you decided to

I'm glad you decided to actually make the story but you need some improvement:

A lot of grammatical errors and typos
Who's speaking!? I could easily follow along but that won't be the same for others. You have no quotation marks and do not indicate who is talking.
Plus, it seems a bit disorganized, but that might be because of the lack of quotation marks.

Thu, 06/30/2011 - 19:59

Halisi

thanks

thanks i'm actually new to writing so this was just a test run to see how the story would do if you could give me a couple of pointers as to what specific quotations could go were and and how to better organize i would be a big help and i'll try to make it better next time.

Sun, 07/03/2011 - 00:13

Whitelancer

Nice, the story is looking

Nice, the story is looking good.
Ill be waiting for chapter 2.
I hope you put me in the story as someone cool.

IGN Whitelancer

Sun, 07/03/2011 - 03:09

vabjekf

Legacy Username

Who's speaking!? wait, isn't

Who's speaking!?

wait, isn't it supposed to just be one person having conversations with himself? If its not it should be, as that will greatly improve the experience. I agree.

Sun, 07/03/2011 - 04:37

Guardianknight

Interesting story.

Interesting story...
It does need some work but I like the idea so far.
And it's nice to see someone making a forum that
other people can enjoy.
I appreciate what you are doing and am looking forward
to the upcoming chapters.

IGN The one and only, Guardianknight.

P.S. (If you are having trouble thinking up a new character....
feel free to use my name....as long as I'm a good guy. lol).

Sun, 07/03/2011 - 06:08

Whitelancer

Yea me and guardian could be

Yea me and guardian could be another elite squad like the alpha squad.

Sun, 07/03/2011 - 10:35

Guardianknight

Oh yeah...

Oh yeah...
Guardianknight and Whitelancer
Leaders of the Alpha squad.

Or Whitelancer and Guardianknight
Leaders of the Alpha squad.
(If you'd prefer that).

Sun, 07/03/2011 - 11:40

Nelo-Angelo

A little help

I tried to clean up your story so it was more readable, however, I have to admit I'm not the greatest writer and grammar was never my forte. Nevertheless, I'll try to help as much as I can, if you would like my input that is.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The “Plasma Enerbolia Eominis” aka, Plas Knight, is an interesting organism known for their ability to solidify their energy bodies at will. These beings are a fascinating wonder of science. Their bodies are made of a substance called “Mist enerbolia”, while their nervous system is made of a type of flexible polycarbonate. Their brains, however, are made of an unkown substance. Haha. How rude of me. I forgot my manners. People call me Orchid, but my real name is Halisi Spirol. I am the leader of the Orchid Rose Squad and an avid scientist. I'm currently studying our body make up, but lets worry about that later. Allow me to inform you about my journey into the world known as Cradle...

The year was 2030. *insert small backstory*

"Halisi…Halisi…HALISI…"

"Hmm, what...where am I?"

"I don’t know, but the Skylark crashed and we ended up on this weird planet."

"The skylark crashed!? Are you sure?"

"Yes, I’m positive, Halisi."

Halisi manages to lift himself as he observes his surroundings.
"sigh...You appear to be right, Loral. Do you know where the others are?

"Yes, they're scouting ahead. We should catch up to them soon, Halisi.

"Alright, lets get going then."

* * *

Halisi leans on a rock as he starts gasping for air. "Man, the atmosphere here is too viscous for me, I'm going to need a breather."

"I guess so Halisi, in the meantime I’ll try to radio Horis, Sam, and Haley. Wait here."

"Don’t forget that I’m still in charge here, Loral!

"Yeah, yeah I know."

----------------------------------------------------
(While we wait for that I’ll provide some backstory, we were actually heading for a distress signal when our engines failed on us, and we crashed on the planet of cradle… ack. No time for that halisi we’ve got to move now.HEY.)

^This part is quite confusing as you start off with Halisi retelling his story of how he ended up on Cradle, then he starts going back into a narrative while at the same time acting like he's still in the story... I think it would make more sense if you just had him go back into a narrative. Also, I would incorporated a small part of the back-story in the beginning.

As for the story as a whole, I found it quite interesting and hope you continue to write more!

Sun, 07/03/2011 - 11:37

#10

Prisega

Its cool that you're writing

Its cool that you're writing a story but please fix up the grammar. Some things to take note of are that when a new character starts talking it starts a new paragraph. You also need to use quotation marks around what the character is saying. BTW who is the other person talking, Loral? If so then you need to make sure little things like capitalization are in place, especially for your scientific name-typed things, binomial nomenclature I'd assume? Finally there's the 3 "there" words. They're is a contraction for "they are" if the words "they are" don't work in the sentence then you don't want the word "they're". "Their" represents ownership, it works like the words "his" and "hers" but is for group activity. "Its his bike" "Its their bike". "There" is for everything else, most specifically location. Once you work on it all you'll get the hang of it and it'll become second nature. I'll look forward to reading the story.

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