SHOCKING NEWS!

After a dangerous journey into the depthes of Firestorm Citadel, we would like to report that Vanaduke does not like cake. After a series of tests including trying to bait him with Cake Slices, then seeing if he would crush a Knight wearing Cake (We will forever miss you Steve), and then just asking him, we can say with upmost certainty that Vanaduke in fact HATES the tasty treats. Here's a clipping from our interview with the undead lord:

McKnight: Do you enjoy cake?

Vanaduke: No.

By later tonight we will hopfully have info regarding whether the Jelly King also despises the dessert, and whether the Roarmulus Twins can even eat.

Until then, Mac McKnight, SNN.

Scoop Gearbox, back again with an update on Blast Cube Kitchen Disaster!

As firefighters struggled to put out the flames on the three burning buildings, a team of researchers who had been trying to find practical applications for Knocker wand technology arrived on the scene with a giant chunk each of Valestone and Moonstone, hooked up to a machine on wheels. After getting in the way of firefighting efforts, the research team managed to actually freeze the three buildings with the device. The fire was put out, but the three buildings, most of the firefighters, the researchers, and a large group of curious onlookers was encased in ice in the process. Rescue teams are currently trying to thaw residents.

And now, back to the newsroom!

BREAKING NEWS!

Devilite war strategists are at it again! The same division of Devilite Technologies that unveiled the mysteries of fire-blocks-that-are-always-in-the-way and floor-spike-drones-that-always-stop-at-the-exact-moment-you-are-passing have recently discovered an incredibly effective method of preventing Spiral Knight attacks.

Simply by placing pots and other useless items near the entrances of rooms, Spiral Knights who would otherwise be attacking tend to pick up the pots instead. Reports indicate that Knights doing this seem confused and unable to use their shields, making them prime targets for Devilite attacks. In some cases, further standing around and cursing at the Three Rings (believed to be a Spiral Knight religious symbol), rather than fighting back, has been reported.

And now these messages, brought to you by Gremlin Hammers Inc. Gremlin Hammers Inc ... when you need a Gremlin-sized hammer that is guaranteed to never, ever be intact so your opponents could use it after you (inevitably) are caught in the line of Acheron fire.

Breaking news! The usually cool and collected creator of Embrace the Dark, Happyapathy, has raged at Pow! This is a first!

Also, as reporter Phantomhamachi said, the Pow menace is possibly back and ready to wreak havoc again by the name of Little Cloud
- SERIOUSLY? LITTLE CLOUD?! - but... The GMs can ban him.

Will Pow destroy the Treasure Vault? Now does everyone see how bad Pow is, to make even Happy himself mad? These questions and many more, may br answered soon, so stay tuned to the Spiral news channel!

Reporter Satoshi Nakamura, signing out!

Atrumvindex was mean to Pow and so will be killed with SASHA!
*Gnreeeeeeeeeee!*
BBRBRRBRBRBRRBRBRBRBRBRRBRBRBRBRRBRBRBRRBRBRBRRBRBR
*Gaooouroon*
Atrum: X_X

The Heavy Weapons Guy posted this.

Not big suprise.

The Heavy posted this.

And now to me for the weather.

Concrete Jungle remains a humid, toxic 50 degrees celsius. IBBURRRNNNSSS

Sol' Fork is experiencing a flash freeze, wildly different from the conditions a few days back. Some heads have exploded.

Firestorm Citadel is burning to the ground as usual. Hey, what'd you expect, it's called FIRESTORM citadel for chrissake!

Back to you Johnson.

Scientists predict knights will start growing and shrinking due to mutations caused by massive consumption of delicious desserts otherwise known as "cake"

It's your friendly reporter Rad McRetrode here with a follow-up to the termerature. It's looking to be sunny in the Royal Jelly Palace, with a chance of rain at the Snarbolax Lair. We also ahve just recieved some breakign news- A chance of RAIN at the Firestorm Citadel! Knights around Cradle rejoice at this, for they no longer need to put out shadow fire! Some knights are also doing the Darkfire FSC with LEISURE!!! More on the weather... Coming up!

And now for our sports. This is your fellow knight and reporter Rad McRetrode back to report on a friendly Snipe Quabble Game. Quabble is a game where Snipes try to take a ball and keep it away from other snipes. It is a free for all and all 12 snipes start an equal distance from the ball. The snipe who gets the ball the most wins! A small purple snipe, Heri, won this weeks game and will be heading on to the SQGL, the Snipe Quabble Game League. So congrats to you, Heri!

And that is all tonight at the news desk. Thank You for your time. You fellow reporter Rad McRetrode, signing off! ^.^

EXCLUSIVE UPDATE ON THE MAGNETIC CLOUD! Reporter Rad McRetrode helping Reporter Zinco in the Cradle Scienctist's Association's explanation. Supposedly it allows knights to change permenent features, such as eyes and height. Scientists are continually giving updates to the story. More details will be provided later.

"NOW BACK ON THE MUTATION CASE" Duskfinder bought some new results on the research, acoording to his reults of the research, It seems that the mutations caused by.... cakes. Somehow yes, a delicious pastry caused (and will cause, under an unkown time period) mutation on our fellow scientists. Investigators found that the cakes served on the birthday party were contaminated by dark matter, the same that caused the attack of the creep cakes, all the cakes were infected, but on different levels. The creep cakes recieved an extremely dangerous amount of dark matter. Thankfully the cakes served didn't have a dangerous amount of the purple mineral. Tests made on dark matter discovered that when its exposed to high temperatures, it becomes unstable, altought a knight would have to ingest a deadly amount of dark matter, and then sit on a stove for a couple of minutes, basicaly what happened with the cakes, altought, when the dark matter is exposed to electricity, it becomes much more unstable, altought it still needs to be at a warm ambient to have the effect, and as expected, a knight's body is the perfect place for the dark matter to have its effect, but only when the magnetic cloud hits haven.

Not everything about theese mutations are bad tought. There are various knights that would be interested in changing their heigh or their eyes, so the birdsong co. is working in a way to control theese mutations. Sadly, knights who want to re-change their body freatures might have to pay for it. Also, newbor n knights might come with the mutations seen on the scientists who ate the cakes and were exposed to the core's magnetic field, but the DNA is the only chemical transformation seen on knights, all the other changes are purely physical.

Stay tuned for more details.

This is Reporter Necro, bringing you absolutely BREAKING NEWS.

Can it be? The elitist guild dubbed' Knightmare,' well known for absolutely destroying the competion in the game Lockdown, is no longer on the TOP 10 list for Lockdown Guild Teams!

Have they lost interest? Does the dissapearance of Chris, their GM, from the forums have anything to do with this? Have they been banned from guild Lockdown for winning to much? Who knows?

However, Knightmare has been seen to be in the TOP 10 list for Blast Network Guilds. They seem to have exchanged LD for BN. How very interesting.

We are interviewing King Krogmo to see what he thinks of there strange events.

Me: So, what do you think of Knightmare's falling off the TOP 10 list for Lockdown Guilds?

KK: Frankly, I'm rather puzzled. They've always been playing LD, 24/7. I have absolutely no idea why they're not up in the TOP 10 list anymore.

Me: Do you think that the dissapearance of their GM, Chris, has anything to do with this?

KK: Possibly. No one has seen him lately. He hasn't replied to any of the many (hey, that rhymes!) Knights that want to join his Guild. I suspect fowl play.

Me: And what do you think of Knightmare's new interest in Blast Network?

KK: I actually think it's a good improvement. Because they destroy most of their opponents in LD, no one is playing Guild LD anymore. Profits have dropped 40%. But now they're playing BN, and Guild Lockdown is beginning to rise once more. My only worry is that Guild BN will die, if Knightmare does what they did with LD to BN.

Me: Okay. Well, this interview is over. Thank you for your time.

Pictures of the Leaderboards to be posted later. Stay tuned for more details. Reporter Necro out.

NOTE: This was seen before the 4/16/12 leaderboard wipe.

BREAKING NEWS THE GREMLINS HAVE A HUGE *** GUN AND THERE GUNNA F****** KILL US ALL ITS THE BLOODY END. RUN TO YOURE KIDS HUGE YOURE WIVES INVEST IN GOLD THE END IS NIGH AND WERE GUNNA GET ******* NUKED RUUN RUUUUUN RUUUUUUUUUUUN wait this just in a chroma a jellie a skellie and a ... wait theres only three, have destroyed the entity known as roarmulus and evidently cost me my job. good night from youre ever loyal king supermeat now to bertha . thanks king next up is (MY LIFE IS RUINED) next up(IM SCREWED DEAD FINITO ) nes( HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT MY FAMILY) nex(AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHGH gasp wheeze gasp AAAAAAGGH) KING GET THE **** OUT OF HERE YOURE ******* FIRED ,FIRED , GET OUT YOU ******* YOU LITTLE WHINY***** GO ROT IN **** ! this has been snn

MISSING ME ?

This again... LOL

An conspiracy is brewing after 3 knights broke into a devilite office meeting.

The three knights were slaughtered almost immediately, and they hardly escaped with there lives; thanks to the energy revive system.

[RAW PHOTO] http://img9.imageshack.us/img9/4300/spiral20120502061352.png

The SNN has taken a poll and more than 75% of the knights polled have said they like pie!

NEWS OF THE DAY:
Breaking news! It has been confirmed that the Pow- OH WAIT! Well, you know what i mean. IT is still on the forums, but for now is in a state of hibernation... Or some thing like dat. Funny thing is... SUMMER IS COMING TO HAVEN! REJOICE! REJOICE!

--------------------------

CRIMES:

It has been reported that the infamous Daarke has been killing and EATING Snarbolax pups for years! No wonder there aren't many Snarbo-pelts to go around anymore.

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NEW RECRUITS:

It has appeared that there are three new knights that have joined the Order! Their names are Lana, Ice, and Lelouch. They seem to be part of a squad, but I dont know how Lana and Lelouch haven't killed each other yet. They fight every day in the Town Swuare when their squad goes to the Auction House for supplies, and have even accidentally hurt a Snipe in one of their scuffles! Who are these three young recruits? Are they just noobs, or a great team in the making? We dont know yet, so stay tuned!

(btw those guys are just the alts of Isekuube, Atgatg, and me. Lana is Atg, Ice is Isekuube, and im Lelouch)
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INQUIRY OF THE DAY:

I have a question that is a bit of an enigma. How does Vanaduke somehow keep coming back? The Snarbolaxes (Snarbolaxus Aracus) are a species, The Roarmulus Twins can be rebuilt, and even the Royal Jelly is just another aristocrat with a seemingly endless wave of heirs. But how does Vanaduke survive so many times? And for that matter, how does he change his color to purple when you fight Darkfire Vanaduke? Does he have a cloning machine? Robots? Magic? A paint pallette so he can turn purple? (uh i hate purple).

Well, thats the Inquiry of the Day!
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CONTESTS:

There has been an influx of contests,games, and competitions on the forums, such as the famous Question of the Day, created by Kuger, and the new Bounty Board made by Daarke. Both contests offer a chance to get CE and/or Crowns!

Good luck, and may the odds be EVER in your favor! (another Hunger Games reference, rofl. surprising thing is, i look and act a bit like Gale. XD)
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PAGANISMS:

If youve seen earlier episodes of the News Network, you will know that reporter Varsian has confirmed that the Devillites may possibly have a deity. Now the Wolvers may too. A witness has seen them chanting like this: "WOOF SNARGLE GYRAGH GROWSL ROAVR!"
Translated into Spiralian, it says "Ng'n Cthulhu r'yeh aseian chomosacte verianis!" Are these drunk Wolvers? Or do they actually have a god that they worship? We sont know yet...

I HATE paganism.
------
WEATHERS:

Today holds a thundering storm coming to Haven! Better get your Waterproof Wolver Coats (made in Wolfington Coat factory) and suit up for rainy weather! Tomorrow, however, will be a nice day, with light showers in the morning, bright sun in the afternoon, and cool winds at night!
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Back to you, Reporter Dark.

Howdy folks, is grinding clockworks boring for you? How about doing that boss for the umpteenth time? Well we have some news for you! Check out todays newest bounty board! Get a chance to earn ce and crowns for your random dives! Want to be a bounty hunter? Check out the bounty board in treasure vault today!

...

Want to shoot a lot of bullets really fast? Get a blitz needle today at your local friendly Supply Depot! Supplies limited. (Certain requirements need to be met)

...

Want a shiny? Sell a shiny? Check out todays Auction House! Variety of weapons and items to enhance your travels!

...

Have a weak troika? Or a pathetic autogun? Check out our alchemy machines today! With a a few whizz and bangs, you can make it bigger and better! (Materials, energy, and recipe required, not included)

...

And now Back to SNN!!

@KAJI

He/They-who-shall-not-be-named is back? O.o how u know?

Back to the topic.

B-B-B-B-BREAKING NEWS

Chris, the (in)famous guild leader of the elitist guild Knightmare, has been missing for several weeks. However, new evidence suggests that Chris is still in business! He has created a dupe dubbed 'Sword.' For proof, visit the Knightmare recruitment thread. You'll notice posts that were made by Chris have changed name to Sword.

Linky here.vvvvvv

http://forums.spiralknights.com/en/node/17935

The Polaris thing killed it all. NO POLARIS? NO FREEDOM.

Anyways, BREAKIG NEWS. Author Isekuube of the famous Almirian Destiny fanfic, has changed the name of the fanfic! Who knew? The name now resides as "Almirian Child" This is Reporter Hail Stone sighning out.

Good evening, and welcome back to the Spiral News Network.

This is Kentard, the original founder of the station, returning after a long hiatus, having been charged with dereliction of duty, embezzlement, fraud, avian genocide and lying. That and joining Coup de Grace.
My duties will be relinquished to Lhii full-time as I will not be returning to the forums, however in the meantime, here is a news update:

The new Lockdown map release has brought about a refreshing change of environment from the typical runs of the Reactor and Frostbite ad nauseam, but apparently there has been discrepencies and complaints over the new design of the map, which many veteran players and bumbling buffoons alike have issued complaints.
Of particular mention is the Downtown map, which has brought about a massive amount of rage. These are some of the excerpts from live interviews with players:

"I don't like the map layout. It's too narrow, and hard to navigate. Where are the old days of Super Brawl?"
"So many spikes... just kill me now..."
"I got run over by a car.
...
I got better."

Nonetheless, game administrators have noted a marked increase in Lockdown participation, where games can be started in little less than half a day, a marked improvement from 2 days one week ago.

Moving over to business and finance, CE prices soar to an all-time high of 7,900cr per 100. CE markets are largely bullish as a large influx of crowns enters to purchase the scant CE still available on sale, and players are expecting a CE promotion some time soon.
With the advent of the Hall of Heroes, equipment prices have soared as nobody can be bothered to craft anymore (the silly fools that still try to make a living off plain items that lack unique variants); however we do note a fall in the prices of Mod Calibrators, and a marked increase in the prices of Calibrator Mods. Experts are still debating over whether there is a correlation between the latter two events.

And now back to sports... oh, nothing. Moving on.
That's all from me (for like, ever), so I will be leaving this station in the hands of my (in)competent associate, and do tune in for exciting news updates on morbidly obese snipes and useless interviews with Lord Vanaduke.

This is Kentard, SNN, signing off.
==============================================================
Attention all budding reporters:
Do you have the gift of the gab? Are you witty, sharp, observant and willing to work at minimum wage? Can you write a feature story that is not about Vanaduke for more than 100 words? If so, Spiral News Network wants YOU.

Simply submit your best stories and featured interviews, and we'll pick up on the juiciest and least banal of news stories. Top entries will also merit an internship in the Spiral News Network (a soon-to-be guild), so do stay tuned~!