I originally made this as a narrative of a possible cutscene for the start of the game, then I thought: 'Hell, if I wrote it, may as well post it.'
Not particularly detailed, and IMO, not very thought out either, but I guess it's ok enough to post.
So here it is.
P.S: When I said 'short', I really wasn't kidding.
EDIT: Updated ver. on my blog: http://psychodestroyerssprialfanfics.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-crash.html
Short, yes, but a lovely interpretation of the beginning of the game.
Interesting. You were planning to create your own cutscene?
Thanks guys! ^.^
@Windsickle: No, someone made a suggestion for them, so I provided this little 'written version' of one to give an idea of how the actual one could go.
I wrote it around the assumption that the readers would know the names of the referred creatures/things, so that's why there isn't very much detail.
If they were to make an opening introduction, this would be very fitting.
Maybe as an introductory message before they let you customize your knight.
Now I have to update my own thread even though I constantly lie about the latest update being the last for the chapter I am having issues finishing.
Thanks Lug.
Personally, my favourite part is the punchline.
"You are this Knight.
You have crashed
You are stranded.
But you are not alone."
You are this Knight.
You have crashed
You are stranded.
But you are not alone.
And by not alone we mean this entire planet is filled top to bottom with mooks that want to kill you so badly but end up getting mowed down so easily. There are also some not-mooks that take effort to crack, but whatever.
UPDATE:
I made a blog a while back, but don't expect it to be updated again any time soon; I still have the same troubles as ever.
I'll get around to organizing it better at some point, as well as putting more work on it, but as it stands, it's pretty bare.
Anyway, my reason for this is because I thought I might try and post my stories on there, and link the stories here as well. Also, I updated this story with a few changes and additional details here.
Hope I didn't overdo it.
EDIT: So how does the updated version compare?
I was pretty impressed with your short. It's punchy and evocative, and finds a good balance in a context where it's all too easy to jump the shark. The only real suggestion I had on the writing the first time around was the use of "him/her" after you'd already slipped in "clad in the armour of his people". Written as a script, it makes sense; as a dramatic short, I think "it" would actually be most effective - considering that generally the piece gives the feeling that we're watching an unknown entity traverse a strange new world. It's mysterious, it's alien - "it" is the best word you could apply to the job! To give a different feeling, you could always use some gender-neutral pronouns from constructed languages like volapuk or somesuch. It would then create an impression of a different society; we don't know much about this humanoid figure, but it has conventions for referring to itself and its fellow-creatures that differ from our own (oh science fiction!), and that immediately sets it apart (culturally), while still making it appear similar to humans (social communication).
As for the re-write... well, I think that's where the shark has been leap-frogged (if I'm even applying that in the right context). What I mean is, by loading your prose down with adjectives, it's become heavy and purple - and I know this sounds terrible, but it comes across as over-dramatic. I especially found a few phrases such as "open-face" interesting; is English a second language for you? Otherwise I wouldn't have thought it at all.
I can't offer much advice on purple prose as it's really a problem I struggle with. I suppose a few things to keep in mind are: What are you trying to communicate? Action? Atmosphere? The words that you're using, are they conveying this, or are they cluttering up the clear message you want to get across?
Ah, I haven't been much help, but I enjoyed the read so I thought I'd give some feedback as requested :) Nice work!
You're likely to be right about the re-write. My detail-balance is still far from perfect, and I've been trying to work on improving detail content without launching into a paragraph telling the reader what things look like.
Doesn't look like that's going too well methinks.
The 'his/her' thing was a bit of a slip up. I didn't think 'it' would be appropriate, considering people probably think of them as sentient enough to be him/hers, and I wanted to define them by human terms, considering the fact that we're the ones judging them, in a sense. But the misplaced 'his' was a misplaced word. I'm still not particularly certain on what I should use to define them. Maybe I should settle for the typical 'he'?
No, English is my first language. However, as you'd have noticed if you've read my Codename series on this forum, I appear to have a tendency to create new phrases to describe what I need to, as opposed to using already existing words. Speaking of which, that series is in need of a re-write, so don't judge it yet plox. I don't really have the means to 'complete' it yet.
And your post was of much help. Reminding me of things I've always told myself I need to improve always helps; it means that what I've tried hasn't worked yet, and that the flaws are still visible to other people.
So thanks for your time! :D
Would definitely like to read more. It's things like these that catch my attention. While it is short, I'd say it's pretty powerful too. Looks like big things do come in small (or short?) packages.
Great work on writing this!
Remember, we are the aliens in this game.
We are foreigners trying to occupy an alien planet by destroying its inhabitants and stealing their resources ;)
Malkalack, can you please stop posting on threads that have LONG been abandoned? It's a huge inconvenience for the others to try and bump their own threads and keep it noticed on page 1.
And Necroing multiple threads at a time can be viewed as spam. I'd rather not get penalized for doing so by the GMs.
Cradle.
Through the dark, starry depths of space, the Globe-planet spins about its mechanically constructed axis. The Moon, a white broken-sphere, seemed to spray debris from its open-face, which glittered like diamonds in the light of the Sun behind it; A deceptive façade of peace among the disturbed heavens.
Like a comet, a spherical pod hurtles through space towards Cradle, flames trailing behind it like a tail as it breaches the outer atmosphere. Arcing slightly as it is drawn in by the planet’s pull, it seems like another shooting star to the inhabitants of the Globe-World. A wolver, slightly startled by the sight, yelps to its friends. Mecha-Knights, on their hourly Patrol, glance skywards, literally scanning the skies for a sign.
Inside the pod itself, the occupant, clad in the armour of his people, waits patiently.
With a massive roar, the pod streaks through the air, a startled Gremlin falling onto his back in surprise and screaming incomprehensible curses as it sails overhead.
Throwing up a shower of dirt, dust and screeching sounds, the pod finally comes to rest on the ground. The outer case hisses and smokes as it cools off the heat of its entry, crackling every once every second or two; maybe it caught fire?
Suddenly, there is an earsplitting CLANG, and the door of the pod flies open, and the occupant steps out into the light.
Appearing armoured, his/her coloured, neon-like eyes blink as he/she survey’s his/her surroundings: He/she seems to have landed in a fairly remote desert area, with few signs of intelligent life visible.
Another screeching sound is heard overhead, and the knight (for it appears as one) tilts his/her head upwards just in time to witness another pod, just like his/her own, streak past in a fiery blaze. Glancing around, it seems that several other pods were making their decent, all flying past and landing in different areas.
Presently, there is the sound of static, and the newcomer lifts his/her hand to his/her earpiece to receive the possible transmission.
You are this Knight.
You have crashed
You are stranded.
But you are not alone.