Clockwork Expeditions: Ancient Artefacts of the Cradle!
We of Sbdajpplifrozk have discovered five extremely rare and mysterious artefacts while exploring the inner depths of the world we know as the Clockworks. As of current, we do not have much information on these strange constructions other than the eerie purple glow that emanates from these two sockets that appear to be similar to eyes on our very own visages.
We have procured these five artefacts as tests and are bringing them down the elevator with us for further research.
Stay tuned for more information.
As we probed deeper into the Clockworks, we came across these oddly shaped statues that were standing in the middle of a Devilite-office-congregation. While deftly avoiding the hail of flaming spears, bombs, pitchforks, old TVs, promotions, demotions and the occasional briefcase, we managed to rescue three out of four of these queer statues.
Although they look nondescript, they are actually immensely heavy-almost as much as a Spiral Knight wearing full plate armor while still wearing a Magician's Cloak and Hood as a over-costume. Our crack team of researchers noted that these statues were probably used for ceremonial switch depressing.
Why would they need to make a switch sad?
I take it this is a lawl thread.
And I guess just like the fine art of identifying Sarcasm and haven a fine taste in Irony, the Lawlz is also lost in the better parts of the neterwebs.
I really like this, please keep me informed of your findings.
During a particularly hairy encounter with the office interns at the local Devilite repository, we discovered a massive monolith made of pure, 27-carat gold. It's shape makes me think of my old house keys, but I cannot let my own suspicions get in the way of pure scientific inquiry. As we carted around this heavy artefact, we discovered that there was a sudden influx of Devilites trying to murder and/or force us to work in their offices. We avoided their paperwork and contracts with great gusto, eventually reaching the elevator.
After bringing the gigantic golden devilite paraphernalia back to Emberlight, we handed it over to the Gremlins.
Apparently, it is indeed a gigantic key. And they called us idiots for not using it to open a gate that possibly contained treasures and riches.
The first one I thought it was a legitimate inquiry into what those things do. After the second one it's obvious now that it's just some fun topic for fun purposes.
I am writing this as fast as possible. We are currently being chased by a horde of angry gremlins. Partly because we took another strange golden key-monolith from their esteemed gremlin high-cleric, and mostly because our intrepid Spiral Knight-to-Gremlin translator accidentally called them a group of Dirty-Stinky-Yucky-Wearing Shields On Their Backs So They Are Incredibly Cheap And Hard To Kill-Goblins instead of Wonderful-Peaceful Gremlins. As a result, our group food supply Sheps was brutally brutalized by their brutal brute hammers in a brutal manner while we were trying to make a quick escape. Brutally.
Luckily, she managed to pass the sacred artefact over to me with dying breath. I hastily constructed a wall made of blocks and explosive cubules and rushed down the elevator. Thankfully, the intellect of gremlins does not extend to being able to step over some blocks or cross over a short elevator gate.
After that harrowing escapade with the Gremlins, we managed to escape to the next depth of the Clockwork. This appears to be a strange, eerie castle with a single floating corridor. We we progressed, we discovered more strange artefacts.
This is a massive, circular block that is protruding from the ground like the many tiny switches we have seen in depths above. The inscriptions on it both confuse and intrigue me at the same time. My trusty sidekick, Sheps (newly ressurected using the finest of cloning sheep teckhnologies) was on the case of examining it when I accidentally stood on top of it along with her.
Instantly, a group of vicious, sheep-eating, violent, and unsanitary monsters dove out of the ground and attempted to violently eat Sheps. Luckily, we managed to survive with about half of Sheps' body and live to write another report.
At least until a gigantic hore-like monster suddenly appeared out of thin air, while being flanked by two extremely tiny and magical looking fairies that probably want to eat the other half of Sheps. Sensing my life was in danger, we immediately fled the scene and jumped down the nearest elevator. I did see another large, switch-like artefact on my way out, but we were too haggard and weak to activate it.
As the Sbdajpplifrozk team travels further down the Clockworks, we begin to find more and more curious artefacts. As you can see in the picture, we discovered an artefact that is apparently a mechanical construct that was constructed by our constructor ancestors. As one that marvels at any hint of our past history, I immediately ordered Sheps to go and capture this invaluable mechanical specimen alive. Unfortunately, it quite defective and constantly shocked Sheps until her sheepy white wool became black and charred.
Sadly, I had to personally blow off the mechanical construct's hastily constructed head with my maximum heated strike needle gun. I feel great remorse over my actions, destroying such an important part of our forebearers' legacies.
...this is strange. Queer and mysterious. Right as I descended from the upper depths, I was plunged into a world of pure darkness and blackness. I literally cannot see past my two hands, as the ground, the walls, and even the leaves on the strangely circular trees have become pitch black. The sky, as artificial as it is, still stayed bright and shiny. My comrades were also completely bright, as if they were standing underneath the clockwork sun.
In my blindness, I stumbled around until I was accosted by a pair of monstrous enemies. A chromalisk with a fierce horn, and a gigantic wooden mechanical construct that was holding a gigantic wooden mechanical axe with a nametag that read "Johnny." They both attempted to subdue me, with the Chromalisk paralyzing my nervous system with a painful lick and "Johnny" trying to cut me open while screaming that he's HEEEEEEEEEEEERE!.
Luckily, my trusty partner Sheps managed to subdue both of the beasts and grant us both safe passage into the darkness. At least, I'm the only one alone, in the dark.
Well not quite. As I tripped and bumped and crumpled my way around the maze of black and darkness and lacking synonyms for black and darkness, I came across another ancient artefact construct of our predecessors. A massive turtle-like machine that has apparently been sleeping here for quite some while. As I neared it, I noticed that there was a golden monolith "key" behind it. I sent Sheps to retrieve it. As soon as she laid her fingers upon the reflective gold surface, the tortoise sprung into life and attempted to take Sheps' life.
While the mechanized metal machine-ish turtle was busy beating the stuffing out of Sheps, I snagged the golden contraband and fled away into the darkness.
I am waiting for the rest of your adventures with bated breath.

Yes, I find the "Clockworks Chronicles" to be highly educational. I do hope the museum where you finally display these artifacts does well to recognized the exploratory work you do.
As our intrepid team of artefact researchers/explorers were wandering through a maze made of nothing but floating plots of land and grass, we came across another round, switch artefact. LEarning from our previous mistakes, we stepped on it all at once with out weapons drawn. Strangely, what came out wasn't a horde of blood thirsty monsters thirsting for our blood, but a couple of life0regeration heart modules and two mysterious artefacts that we could not recognize
It resembled a Spirotech Vitalizing Podule that are widespread around the Clockworks for the use of Spiral Knights everywhere. The crumpled shape of this ancient looking one leads me to believe that it was once used by our predecessors. Unfortunately, I could not retrieve this sample back, as it was intangible and slipped right through my fingers. What kind of teckhnologies did our precursors use? How fascinating.
Once again, we have discovered a series of massive heavy devilite structures lying around their messy workplaces and cubicles. After rescuing them from underneath piles of paperwork and dismissal forms, we carried them over to the elevator. Shockingly though, the elevator was covered in a poisonous haze. My research team, not noticing the gigantic cloud of death and neural paralysis, rushed in with the statues and promptly lost use of their legs, arms and tongues.
We need to find a better way of communication.

I was going to fill a bug report about the squished vitapod but I like your report(s) better c:
A new occurrence has occurred! While our intrepid investigation team was busy investigating the un-investigated arena that we had not investigated before, a strange construct has appeared before us in a shower of love and affection.
This strange Lupus Gunnus (Commonly referred to as the "Gun Puppy") was colored red and had strange markings over their ocular sections. Instead of firing painful magickteckh missiles at us, it was instead firing a self-propelled Revivalitizer Heart! What an odd specimen! Unfortunately, one of the team's more unstable members declared that it must be destroyed for the sake of opening the gate to the next arena room and shot it with his Firotech Alchemer MK.III, setting the lovely Gunnus ablaze with an alchemical flare.
Not one scrap was left behind.
Due to the dangerous nature of our expeditions down into the dangerous Clockworks, the Investigation Team known as Sbdajpplifrozk are legalized to carry weapons with them down into the dank dungeons. I for one prefer wielding a SpiroTech Striking Machine Needlegun and a Spiritua Avengerus Holysword.
Oddly enough, as we passed through a particularly Infernal Passage, my Avengerus suddenly shrunk into the size of a tiny string bean! This is quite mysterious. Could it be related to the ancient symbols of the Devilite Union founded in 1988 after the great Energy Stock Market Crash?
Couldn't be.
...I believe that we are in deep trouble. Our descent into the massive lands of the Clockworks have apparently brought us to a burning, flaming, brim-stoney land filled with rolling wooden artefacts that are on fire, and spikes which are also on fire.
Interestingly, there were also a couple of devilite-styled statuettes lying around, explictly for the purpose of depressing these burning brimstone flaming switches.
This is frightening.
Pain, suffering, burning, scalding, sizzling and lightly-broiling. This "Flamestorm Castle" section of the Clockworks is a painful place to behold and experience. There are burning spires of fires that exist to burn us, there are grills of fire that spire up to burn us, there are spikes that are on fire that are there to burn us and there are zombies on fire that are there to burn us.
However, we did find an interesting Artefact. An anti-gravitational Liquid Globule that is suspended on top of a particularly wet looking pedestal in the middle of the burning castle floor.
As our expendable member, Volla picked it up, he discovered that it is incredibly desne for a ball that looks like it is made of water. Though I have suspicions that it is just because he does not exercise as much as he should. This artefact was capable of removing the multitudes of fire pillars spiraling in front of us. The pedestal also constantly regenerated this globule, making our passage clear and refreshingly cool.
Unfortunately, it wasn't going to be this easy.
As we braved through the burning mayhem that is the Flaming Castle of Burning Searing Pain, we came across a golden mono-I mean key-inside a cage. Unfortunately, the way to obtain that shining gold object was to defeat waves and waves of deadly burning searing flaming skeletons and Ignis Canis Gunnuses.
After suffering many third-fourth-fifth-twenty seventh-degree burns, we liberated the golden keynolith from the cagey prison. But what awaited us was even worse than what we could've ever expected.
This doesn't look ominous at all.
Our team of investigators stood at the gate of a powerful and menacing beast. The Duke of Flame, the Prince of Sears, the God of Burning, and the Lord of Third Degree Burns. King Vanaduke the Fifth. Being the peaceable people we are, we waltzed into his court with our brightest smiles and sunniest dispositions. Instantly, he raised his gigantic scepter of royalty and smashed it down on SL the Lemon's noggin, caving it in along with the rest of his digestive tract.
His rage at the fact that we have trespassed upon his royal court with the most dirtiest of feet and the most ungainly of poises could not be quelled. His mighty staff crashed down on the ground, bringing the debris from his kingly estate down and destroying Kafro's legs. Enraged, Sheps tore at the gilded king and tore his head off with her bare feet.
However, that was not enough to bring down the glorious monarch. His head suddenly became wreathed in a bale of fire and began to fire an incredible amount of flaming fireballs at our group, starting with SL the Lemon who died instantly.
Eventually (and with liberal use of water artefacts), we managed to cool off his head so that we may have an intelligent discussion about donating his collection of priceless artefact for the good of the economy. Disappointingly, he disapproved of our current economical status and believes that we should all go and repair it so that it is not in a state of total shambles. Unhappy with this turn of events, Haze pulled out his trusty SpiroTech Brand Dunstbombe and gassed the royal lord to a state of stunned silence. Once the gas wore off, his anger returned in a flash and he crippled SL once again with a brutal fire breath. His head then detached from his neck, his eyes glowering with the flames of hunger. Right as he attempted to devour us whole...
SL the Lemon's corpse managed to disgust his elegant nostrils enough for him to become nauseous and sick. We took this chance to pelt him with Strike Needles, Cryotechs, Winmillions, Waterballs, Vials, and Kafro's old gym socks. Until eventually, the great king fell to his knees and stopped moving....
As the clockworks turn, and the Cradle rests, Sbdajpplifrozk will not stop finding and cataloging Artefacts of the Clockwork Cradle!
As we trekked down into the inner sanctums of the Jelly King's Castle, we discovered a mysterious, yet very familiar Artefact standing near the elevator. With the greatest of cunning plans, we managed to get the Artefact onto the Elevator. Unfortunately, it went over the weight limit and went straight down to the next level of the Cradle without us on it.
Luckily, the ground beneath the elevator was covered in springy, squishy Jelly that stopped our bodies from becoming undelicious red jelly.
With more cunning switch manipulation, we managed to sneak the Artefact past a pressure pad by using one of Shepmeister's old socks and Lemon's tome of terrible fanfiction.
This proved to be helpful, as the Artefact resonated with the gates and opened them up without having to use the golden keyfactes strewn around the dangerous castle.
Click Me!
(not pictured: the second king slime)
Unfortunately, for some reason, we managed to crash into the Jelly King's wedding. Both the Jelly King and the Jelly Queen attacked us with ferocious jelliness. Causing us to die quite violently.
Luckily, and almost magically, a strange man calling himself Hyperion appeared out of nowhere wielding a Crowbar. With one swing, he destroyed the Jelly Queen instantly. However, the Jelly King was infuriated and lashed out as us, and the mysterious Hyperion vanished into the ether.

Thank you, I have been eagerly awaiting this update to your exploration for ages.
http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/8788/kittenlovethisthreadzh8.jpg
You make my day ^^

Image doesn't show, Sick. =/
This thread is hilarious and has a few facts on it, which make it even more appealing. I bet this will soon turn into a comic or book of some sort.

This needs more posts! THIS IS SO FUNNY, I CANT BEAR THINKING ITS OVER.
Indeed. Thank you xPlad for bumping this thread. I enjoyed it immensely.
Just sort of stumbled upon this thread while looking for something to read. Love what you and your impossible-to-say named team do for other Knights in the Clockwork. Have you any research upon the Monster known as the Snarbolax?
This thread is made of ROFLMAO. Please keep adding to it soon!
This reminds me of pikmin. :D
With the disappearance of Chief Archaeologist Avlein and his team [incomprehensible] some months back, Spiral Command has ordered that I, Loremaster Guy, finish his research. We seem to be losing all our best and brightest. First Alpha, now them.
Much of the Clockworks has changed since his disappearance. Haven has currently frozen over due to a malfunction in the primary heater. Something about a snipe and a ham sandwich. But I digress. We currently have a few mechanists trying to unbork the thing. With any luck, things will be back to normal in a few weeks.
Though Avelin's records say much about the "Flamestorm Castle" (what we now call the Firestorm Citadel), they don't mention anything about a similar citadel that is made less of fire and more of cobwebs and explodium.
Dubbed the "Scarlet Fortress" by Spiral Command for the banners that adorn its halls, the place crawls with strange cat-like ghosts. These ferocious spectres move with blinding speed and strike with precision (most of the time). Advise bringing something that protects against the unholy and weapons forged with sun silver.
Of particular note, a rare specimen of jelly which resembles a simple stone block seems to be rather common here. I wonder if the ones in the Clockworks proper are escapees from this complex, or if most of their populace fled to here from the rest of the 'Works.
*End Transmission*
((I hope it's not too presumptuous/disrespectful of me to do this. This concept is too glorious to let it die.))

Leave a shadow copy, ok? Everyone should know this hilarious thread!

Some day I can only hope Chief Archaeologist Avlein returns from his expedition and shares another tale :)
I believe I touched upon explodium in my last log. Now is as good a time as any to go into further detail.
Explodium is an incredibly energetic compound used as a fuel source, high-velocity explosive, low-velocity explosive, firelighter, industrial drain cleaner, contraceptive, anti-adhesive, and is directly responsible to the death of most organisms on Cradle. Strangely, by consumption (explodium is incredibly deadly if ingested, by virtue of whatever the subject has consumed exploding in an egregious, exacting effluence of efficient energy).
For whatever reason, the cursed gremlins like to store it in its volatile form. The unadorned containers detonate at the slightest provocation while the more heavily reinforced crates take a few seconds to go. Do note that the red/purple jellies that explode are NOT made of explodium. It's some kind chemical reaction triggered by their death. Fortunately, it takes a few seconds for the reaction to destabilize the entire cube.
If you wish to anger your teammates and have them murder you at the next opportunity, make sure they are in range of the explosion when you inevitably damage the containers. I totally don't speak from experience or anything. Nosiree.
Also of note; most of the creatures of Cradle seem to be wearing green hats at this time. Those were supposed to be a drop from orbit of incredibly valuable sensor modules (which merely look like hats) sent to us from home via unmanned warp pods. Instead, the pods broke apart on reentry and sent the modules raining down all across the world. Murder everything you see wearing-- err, in possession of them and return them to Haven so we can finish our sensor array. Also, go buy a ha--sensor from Sullivan and take it into the 'Works. It'll help with recon intel. Since these are gremlin-made (and incompatible with our array), they'll fall apart in a few weeks. Shoddy craftsmanship.
And don't ask me why home didn't send parts to fix the Skylark.
*End Transmission*
The air is heavy here and a feeling of foreboding grips me as I step out of the elevator and into an eerie blue light. Every fiber of my being screams to turn back, but my mission forces me onward.
As I head further into the darkness, my sense of dread grows. I can barely see five feet ahead of me in this gloom. I eventually see some bright spark in the darkness and head toward it. As I near, it appears to be what Avlein described as a Liquid Globule except filled with molten... stuff. It's best described as liquid fire. I suspect whatever containment method used on these things only works on liquid forms.
Nearby, I can just make out a giant candle similar to the ones at the elevator, except extinguished. Putting two and two together, I pick up a Molten Globule with my suit-integrated graviton manipulator and hurl it at the candle. It bursts into flame, though it is a warm, orange glow compared to the cool blue of the elevator candles.
As I march through another inky hallway, extra Molten Globule in tow, I swear I see movement out in the darkness; over the edge of the platform. The indistinct blob takes form and appears to be a gi-freaking-normous Kat, which I now name Mega-Kat. It appears to move rather slowly, so it doesn't seem much of a threat.
I decided to engage the Mega-Kat to steal its delicious hearts or heart-like things, and so threw the Molten Globule at it. The Globule passed right through the thing. Oh well, it's a ghost of some sort; it's ethereal after all. I shouldn't be too surprised. Though that begs the question of why normal Kats are vulnerable to non-divine physical damage.
As I pondered this logical fallacy, the Mega-Kat had closed most of the distance between me and it. With not enough time to run away, I figured I'd just put up my shield and wait for an opening to strike. It then proceeded to ignore my defenses and bite the crap out of me.
*Transmission Interrupted*

are these pics taken along time ago or what? http://gyazo.com/16c090507c838e11bc32ce6d3002946f.png
cuz i noticed that the guy to the bottom left has a purple shield :T

> Leave a shadow copy, ok? Everyone should know this hilarious thread!
Agreed. Done!

Jim Dale has found a very old artifact that seems to not have been used for hundreds of years within the clockworks.
@Eurydice
Hm. Wonder what a shadow copy is. Does that mean every time this thread is bumped, it's sent to the top of General Discussion too? Oh well, it's irrelevant I guess.
@Fallconn
Yes. The OP's posts are ancient; a little over a year old. Pretty sure that means he was in preview. A shame he left the game. I'll never be able to match his wit. :(
*Connection Reestablished*
The Spirotech Modular Repulsion Shield-field can negate or reduce the effectiveness of any and all blows when charged no matter if they're cutting, crushing, ranged, low-velocity, high-velocity, explosive, physical, incorporeal, phantasmagorical, and finally I-can't-think-of-any-other-damage-types-so-lets-just-say-all-of-them (that's a technical term; look it up). The Mega-Kat ignored this incredible piece of technology like it wasn't there. I quickly decided that the best defence would have to be a stellar offence and swung out against the Mega-Kat with the holy blade I carried.
The divine relic, which was designed to destroy all forms spectre, evil, and generally unpleasant didn't even phase the Mega-Kat, which proceeded to take another bite out of me, leaving my armour in a rather critical state.
Not without reason, I panicked a bit. Okay, a lot a bit. I did the only thing I could other than die; flee.
Pelting up a staircase, hoping to not run into more of these things (for one invincible monstrosity is quite enough), I saw a blue glow ahead. Redoubling my efforts, I managed to reach it's now-comforting light and was beheld with... a dead end.
Figuring I'd take my last stand with dignity, I turned around to face the Mega-Kat, let out a battle cry, and fired a few shots at the nightmarish creature. As it approached, it crossed into the light radiated by the candle--
*Transmission Interrupted*

I hope Guyinshinyarmour will transmit back some more.
While he dukes out a giant kat thingy, I decided to post a discovery of my own.
==========================================
I was going down through the clockworks in an attempt to reach the core, and then I stumbled upon a maze like area. The air felt heavy, and stank of evil things. As I was pondering where I was, I came across an electronic device that told me I was entering a Graveyard.
As I was traversing through the maze like cemetery, A pile of bones climbed out of the floor.
I pulled my sword out(which also stank of evil things) and proceeded to slash the vile monster up. Then some more came to its defense.
A few moments later, more came.
At the site of this, I quickly pulled my gun out, and proceeded to burn them up. Then more came, and the commotion seemed to attract a red phantom-ish creature.
When I realized I was completely surrounded, I ran as fast as I could, shooting at anything that moved. (And I shot myself once, because I was not thinking, and noticed that I was moving.)
After running for a long time, (and panicking the whole way) I found myself in a room filled with a strange gas. Then the phantom-ish thing came again.
After the phantom-ish thing was taken care of, I noticed a small shine within the gas. I used my shield to enter the gas (see explanation why it worked in post above) and worked my way in. I put my shield down for a moment to dig up the buried object, and found that it was a purple coin that seemed very grim. I would have taken a picture of the wonderful specimen, but because I put my shield down to uncover the coin, my camera got eroded away in a matter of seconds. (I was in a bad state too. :P)
It rezes skeletons.