A Spiral Story (Fan Fiction)
Sun, 07/13/2014 - 17:59
Our story begins with a young gremlin. His name was Sprocket. He was very unusual. He was small with brown fur and glasses. He had an unusually high intellect and unusually weak muscles. Your typical gremlin had a name like Romil, was pretty tall, and had yellow fur and perfect eyes with average brains and was also very strong.
At about the age of 10, he became less social, which was good because social interactions usually ended in smashed glasses, to work on his inventions. His teachers thought he was finally becoming normal, except for the fact that his machines were not very diabolical, although useful.
A microwave speed booster and a translator were a few of his inventions.
By 11 he had forfeit all social activity and was spending increasingly more time with a couple of common dungeon-dwellers. Using a translator he befriended a Rocket Puppy named Watson (who names a rocket puppy Watson?) and a Wolver who preferred to be called Stalk instead of the embarrassingly dorky name his mother gave him.
He and his friends shared a common goal: Escaping the clockworks he lived in and reaching the surface. By 12 he had an escape plan, complete with Plan B. It was simple: when he was a cub, he had discovered a pouch that enabled him to carry rocket and gun puppies. Watson had the power to travel everywhere... As long as it wasn't between floors. Sprocket would carry Watson in the pouch and when he and Stalk came across a knight they would beg him to take them with them.
It didn't work so well. When he talked to the knight the knight tried to shoot
Sprocket with some kind of blaster. Just then they were spotted by Reckta, swinging from a pipe overhead. Reckta was an assassin of the legendary Crimson Order. If Reckta caught you doing something illegal she would arrest you... If you were lucky.
Reckta was in a pleasant mood. She pulled a sword out of nowhere and pointed it at Sprocket. As she was about to thrust, a knight also came out of nowhere, deflecting the blow. The sword slipped out of her hand... And into the chests of a line of thwackers, ready for battle. Unarmed, Reckta slithered around the corner, hissing death and swear words.
Sprocket reached out to shake the hand of the knight who saved him. "Unfriendly", was the last thing to cross his mind before a bullet from a super stun gun made contact with his, Watson's and Stalk's heads.
Tue, 07/15/2014 - 19:52
#2
=D
Thx 4 advice will try 2 follow it
Thu, 07/17/2014 - 04:36
#3
What Hexlash said. It's interesting, but it's just the passivity of the way you're writing their fates. :P
Fri, 07/25/2014 - 21:57
#4
Part 2
Hopefully this is better.
Meanwhile, King Tinkizar frowned at a screen. Gremlin massacre, Thousands dead, Knights winning. Stupid TV. What did it do besides prove his side was losing.
Just at that moment, a young gremlin mender rushed in. "Sir, we have lost
1,756 thwackers!" Tinkizar growled. "Tell me something I don't know. Do something drastic," he muttered, "by the time they ever figure it out, they'll be long gone." He strode from his fancy chair and barked,"activate Project R2!" A dozen young gremlins and one captured knight biotech typed commands on a keyboard, activating Tinkizar's latest contraption.
Meanwhile, Sprocket was sitting in a cell somewhere in Spiral HQ. He was wondering where Stalk and Watson were. Just then, a very familiar Rocket Puppy popped up in the cell. "Watson!" Sprocket stood up and hugged the Puppy, causing a surprised Watson to blow up a small firecracker that had been in his mouth. "Shush", hissed Watson. "Stalk is in a cage in the lab." Just then Watson heard footsteps and sunk beneath the floor. The cell door creaked open and a knight wearing cobalt armor stepped in."Captain wants you", he grunted. The knight escorted a shaken Sprocket to the main room of Spiral HQ.
Captain Ozlo was sitting in a large chair. "Hello", he said through his visor. "I um... You see... I... Erm..." Sprocket tried to come up with an explanation of why he had been begging a knight to go to the surface. When no explanation was available, Captain Ozlo looked slightly disappointed. "Well, thing is, gremlin, we need somebody to spy on the gremlins." Sprocket considered this. That was when Project R2 appeared.
Cookie, a knight, had been the one to shut down Project R, and she recognized a giant Rocket/Gun Puppy when she saw one. That's why she knew what to do when Project R2 smashed through the floor.
They were massive, with glaring red eyes and steel plates around their thick body and head. Cookie knew exactly what to do. Or so she thought. She ducked as a supercharged missile shot behind her. It headed towards the other one, so Cookie thought she was safe and stood up. Wrong again! The missile spun around and hit her in the chest, blasting her through the main doors of Spiral HQ and onto the streets of Haven with a jolt. Why had Tinkizar added homing missiles? Why?
With a mixture of fear and horror, Cookie realized that the creatures from Project R2 were popping up everywhere in Haven. Some of the Apprentices, who hadn't had disaster training were running around and hiding under tables and things.
Cookie's training told her that Strangers were her first priority. So she and a vanguard standing at the auction house hoisted the nearest stranger onto their backs and started dragging him to the safest place they knew: The Super Duper Safety Room. It was a very awkward nursery that the first ever Gremlin-
On-The-Knight's-Side had built. It had a health generator in one room and a punching bag next door. But it was safe!
Meanwhile, Sprocket was terrified. Luckily, It was then that Watson showed up as a missile blasted at the gremlin. Watson blocked the missile, and yelled, "run!" just then, another missile came blasting out of R2's mouth and Watson was not there to stop it. It shot Sprocket, and he came hurling out of Spiral HQ. "Argh,"He moaned, "I think I broke my leg. Can't move..." Watson popped up,"Oh god!" He looked at the incoming Knights and had an idea. He dug towards the lab at full speed, popping up at the door of Stalk's cage and knocking it off its hinges.
"Watson!" yelled Stalk, happily giving his friend a dog kiss. "No time. Come on." grunted Watson. Stalk and Watson rushed to Sprocket. Sprocket clambered onto Stalk's back and the three friends took off to the old Knight rescue camp, a place that Project R2 might overlook, as Gremlins had been taught that it had little value.
Learning to alchemize, meeting her sprite for the first time, finally beating Vanaduke, Cookie had fond memories of the place. Luckily, her body took over and she ran to the old rescue camp, the place she was in before Haven.
Sprocket was resting on a tarp on the ground and trying to see if he was secretly a mender and could magically heal his leg next to the old forge, because it reminded him of home. Totally separately, Cookie was wondering dizzily if the old forge still worked. She had recently found a cache of fire crystals and had decided that to be a survivor of the apocalypse she needed better gear.
"A gremlin?" sputtered Cookie. "A knight?" gasped Sprocket, Watson and Stalk. Cookie, clearly surprised by the talking monsters, fainted. After Cookie fainted, Sprocket decided she might be dangerous. The Knights he had met had seemed hostile. He wasn't comfortable with prisoners like most gremlins, so he tied her up and left her on a lift. He decided that it was the best thing to do, since the lift would go away and he would be fine.
Meanwhile, Cookie woke up in a cage, dangling over a deep pit. She instinctively reached for her Valiance, only to find it gone. Although she didn't realize it, there was also a tiny camera glued to the helmet she was wearing, watching her every move. "Dang your gremlin butts!" she swore as she realized that everything useful in her arsenal was missing.
How is this?
Fri, 08/01/2014 - 19:32
#5
Just then her cage lowered
Just then her cage lowered onto a nearby platform and opened. Cookie saw a chance to escape. She elbowed the gremlin next to the crank, grabbed his wrench, and made it about 5 feet before Reckta grabbed her and she was in King Tinkizar's throne room chained to a wall.
"So..." Tinkizar grinned a toothy smile, "I hear you are a strategist and gun designer?" Cookie was indeed a strategist and gun designer, one of the best, and she had multiple times won the "would-be-in-the-Crimson-Order-if-they-were-a-Gremlin-so-capture-her-please" award. "I'll never help you," she said through gritted teeth and a helmet. "Oh, I wouldn't be so sure," said Tinkizar in his sneaky voice.
"Okay. I don't usually say this, but we are on Defcon 1 (Nuclear war) and Deathcon 1 (you will die)!" Captain Ozlo yelled, but nobody was listening. Chaos reigned, and Reign Of Chaos (guild) tried to help by shooting at R2, but got sidetracked killing Black Kats along with other monsters from the ground.
Downstairs, the Gremlins celebrated their first victory in World War XXVI-capturing a knight. They ate cake and danced with Cookie chained to the wall. Suddenly the disco ball turned off and the music stopped. A Demo in Crimson Order gear stepped in, and even the thwackers looked cowed. The Gremlins got out of his way fast when he strode towards Cookie, except for a new mender, who was shoved to the ground. He leered at Cookie. "I'm Scourge. Made anything?" Cookie threw a rock at him from her arsenal. "A rock? Poor choice." Scourge picked it up.
It zapped him in the face and the Gremlins looked surprised. Cookie used this to set a smoke bomb down. When it exploded, she used this advantage (her helmet had anti-smoke) to saw through her chains with the blades she had attached to her gloves. "Oh yeah," she said as the smoke cleared,"I have designed something." She shot Scourge in the head with her new homemade gun.
"When I find the ****ing idiot who did this I will kill him!" Cookie muttered as she dashed through the clockworks.
Meanwhile Sprocket was not having the time of his life either. Tinkizar had found away to shut down the knight's guns, so they couldn't shoot him, but their death stares made him uncomfortable. He headed into a rusty elevator he found near an Escape Pod Landing Site. "The place marking where everything went wrong," his Grandfather had said one day, when presented with Sprocket's theory of 'we should be nice to the Knights'. Sprocket was taken to a forest. It got darker, and darker. "I know my way around forests," Stalk started, "and this looks like the Gloaming-" "I know my way!" Sprocket said."Everything is just fine."
They eventually reached a bell in a clearing. "Interesting, very interesting." Sprocket studied and rang the bell. "This looks like a replica of the Snarbolax bell." He noticed that somebody had left a drink out. Just then he heard a rumble, and the water shook. Louder this time. "Guys, this is the Snarbolax bell." Stalk whispered, with an edge of panic creeping into his voice. Just then, a big black thing charged at Sprocket.
20 Lifts, 184 Gremlins and 50% hit points later, Cookie finally reached the surface. She decided to set up camp in a forest clearing with a bell in it. Sure, it looked like the Snarbolax site, but he was dead, right? Cookie was searching for a heart generator she remembered being there, when she caught a glimpse of a gremlin and some monsters. Cookie ducked-when she escaped she had the element of surprise and a homemade version of the stun gun she used as a Recruit. To fight a Gremlin without the element of surprise and a really lame gun, she would need a big advantage. Suddenly, what looked like Snarbolax charged at the Gremlin. "Perfect," Cookie thought, "the distraction."
Sprocket managed to dodge the black shadow, from years of Dodgebullet (think dodgeball, but with higher chance of death) practice. But what appeared to be Snarbolax wasn't aiming at Sprocket, it was aiming at a bush. But it wasn't aiming at a bush, it was aiming at the knight behind it. And it hit.
I would recommend less telling and more showing. The story has nice points, such as the ending, but we need to see the substance. I can see the storyline, but I'm not engaged with what is happening, I feel no connection to the characters.
I understand, however, that it's best to start small, so I'd say you did fairly well.
Thinslayer's link is a great place to learn how to improve writing.
Hope to see more from you, and welcome to the Treasure Vault! :D