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Bravo Squad-- Rogue Knights (FanFic)

22 replies [Last post]
Wed, 03/16/2016 - 18:51
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego

Never done a fanfic before, just putting that out there

NOTE: The haiku at the beginning, while I will try my best, will probably not continue for lack of poetry skill..

Useless blurb (MINIMAL SPOILERS): “We’re all running from something, whether memories, a pyromania complex, or something more sinister. But we are all running from one thing in common that keeps us all here, the Spiral Order. So, stop sobbing and grab something that looks dangerous. And above all, remember, this isn’t for revenge, we’re doing this for Cradle, we’re doing this for It. – Gentleman Swift.

CHAPTER 1: Swiftly now

An unconscious Knight
Arrived with no name attached.
Something Sinister

They say they found me the day we left Isora. I was unconscious and strapped to the captain’s chair of the Skylark with bonds so strong that in the end Captain Ozlo had the chair removed and a new one put in, placing his old chair next to Intel Officer Kora in defeat. Almost as soon as a medical officer declared that I was in a coma and shouldn't be moved for safety reasons, the crew apparently adopted me as the unofficial mascot of the Bridge, adorning me with trinkets ranging from Jelly bands to a Megalodon helmet that someone had snagged out of Archives on the way out. During their decorating me as one would a Winterfest tree, one of the knights noticed something tucked under the jerkin of my cobalt armor. It resembled the badge of the Recon Rangers, but instead of the normal muted yellow and white color scheme, this crest was atmittedly confusing to the Recon Rangers heraldry officer Garen, with the yellow of a darker hue and having swapped positions with the black on the crown motif, and the white was covered in what one of Captain Ozlo's 'pet nerds' confirmed as etched binary. Even Desna herself came up from the training simulator she was normally glued to and took a look over me. "I checked the records Captain, this knight is not one of ours" she said in her vaguely Germanic voice. "Well then, we'll just have to ask him when he decides to join us" Ozlo decided, and left the matter at that, for after all, he had a Spiral Order to run. Of course, I was completely unaware of all of the attention being laid upon me, but even If was, I don't think I would have cared that much, for I was having some rather strange dreams.

I was in a maze. I wandered the jet black corridors for what seemed to me like months, but in reality was more like a day or two. The only landmark (if one could call them that) to break the monotony of the complex was the occasional spattering of what I could only assume was blood on the obsidian walls. Strangely, I wasn’t at all reviled by these grotesque displays, in fact I seemed strangely attracted to them. Only then did I realize what they really were. Blocks of crimson ice, each encasing a small form; that of a knight. But something was wrong with them, I just couldn't put my finger on it... was it the lack of a face? No, that's normal for one of our species...was it...oh no. I had come to a staggering conclusion. I recognized these knights. They were me. strangely enough, even as I knew these knights and I were the same, I had to ask myself that simple question that we all must ask ourselves. I was only half surprised when I didn't know the answer. "Who am I? No Idea" In reply, the maze exploded. Now I was in a field. Empty but for the endless tallgrass swaying in the wind. “Come to think of it though” I murmured to no one in particular while looking down at the loose pieces of fabric on my armor; “There is no wind” I glanced around, and a glint of light from an invisible sun caught my eye. A small lake steamed in the now intense heat as the tallgrass was swallowed by the sand that poured down from above. I attempted to make sense of it all, but quickly gave up. I stared intently at the water. A Knight carved from obsidian stared back at me. I blinked. The Knight also blinked, then raised an arm and stabbed me in the eye with a spear similarly carved from black stone. I made to say something but by then the sand was filling my mouth. I mentally screamed.

“-our mystery Knight awakens” someone said from what seemed a million miles away. “Indeed, right, someone get a medical officer up here!” replied a different voice, this time from a thousand miles away. “Doctor Ceman on deck sir!” barked yet another voice. A hundred miles away. Something bright and painful stabbed at my eyes. I opened them. A crowd of Knights, their badges revealing them to be from the lowly recruits to not a few Vanguards shuffled to get a better view. I was a not a knight. I was a novelty. “Strange” I whispered, for that was the only speech I felt capable of. “That I remember everything about the Order, and yet… Oh, I’m forgetting my manners, my name is… actually, what is my name? All I remember is…Swift…yes my name had something to do with Swift.” “We were about to ask you that question youngster" said a voice from above and behind me "We couldn’t find any records of you in the Archives and… before that, can someone please get this man some proper armor? We don’t even manufacture that helmet anymore and really? Jelly bands?” A small cough alerted Feron (for that was who it was) to a small knight towards the back of the crowd. “Sorry to interrupt Mr. Feron sir, but may I find this…erm Gentleman Swift fellow an outfit? It would be an honour.” “Ah, yes Bechamel, of course. Mr. Swift, this…erm Miss? Will get you someth-“ Bechamel stared hard at Feron. Feron blushed “Erm, I mean Sir…sorry.” Bechamel rolled his eyes. As my new tailor led me away, I caught a glimpse of my face in the reflective surface of the floor. One eye was normal, while the other was locked in a permanent glare. I shuddered. Dream my ecto drops.

Wed, 03/16/2016 - 19:17
#1
Angel-Girl's picture
Angel-Girl
I get it mixed up too, Feron (Mini review...?)

That was really interesting, and I liked reading it.

I found it a little funny (and kind of heartless) when the Knights made Swift the Bridge mascot, especially when I looked up a picture of the Megalodon helm. XP

The dream was pretty intriguing, and your...half...reason (which you were talking about earlier) for the one Determined eye... *shudder* That was real creepy.

I don't know much about how poem quality works, but the haiku looked great to me!

I noted was that you didn't put periods at the end of some of the dialogue. It felt a little weird to not see those there, which is the only reason I'm pointing it out.

*thumbs up* Overall, that was a pretty good first chapter! Nice!

Wed, 03/16/2016 - 22:17
#2
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+Cha modifier-Wis modifier= what I think of you

Thanks Angel!
Sorry about the grammar, but I accidentaly put it up before I edited XD

The next chapter should come up in the next 2 or 3 days

Thu, 03/17/2016 - 07:03
#3
Metsse
the haiku

the haiku was 8 syllables in the middle line. isnt it supposed to be 7? The story was great otherwise

Thu, 03/17/2016 - 16:07
#4
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+Cha modifier-Wis modifier= what I think of you

Really? 8? I counted 7

De-liv-erd with no name a-ttached

oh, you're right, I'll fix that.

Tue, 04/05/2016 - 19:19
#5
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+Cha modifier-Wis modifier= what I think of you

Another chapter for your enjoyment :)

One more Knight my friends
This time with an explosive
Yet more mystery

CHAPTER 2: Things that go Boom in the night

They say they found me sometime towards the middle of the voyage. I was sitting cross-legged unconscious in the munitions locker with the biggest bomb on the Skylark (which is saying something) nestled comfortably in my lap. Of course no conscious effort had been made on my part towards attempting to blow up the ship, it was all a misunderstanding. Right?

I was there when they found Swift. I watched as they dressed him up like a Winterfest tree and treated him like a cross between a pet and a trophy rack. I admit to my present shame that I took part in this as if it was just another game. It didn’t really occur to us that he was a fellow knight, instead of the oddity he appeared to us as. Now of course we all look back and see what in hindsight was the real reason that we were laying so much attention upon Swift. We were trying to find something to keep our minds off what we were doing out here in the depths of space. You see, we weren’t searching for something to beat the Morai with; we were running away. We couldn't beat the Morai, between their warmachines and their Aercopa benefactors they were near invincible. Of course none of these thoughts penetrated my sense of outrage when the realization sunk in, so that was how my friends found me near the airlock with a rudimentary jetpack strapped to my back. “They need me! I will not run away!” I screamed as I was quickly dogpiled. “Violet, listen girl, you aren’t even going to survive—Oof!--the first ten seconds out there! Let alone—Hmph!-- make it back to Isora!” My friend Vaelyn said between tackles (Even the slippery one.) “You would go if your boyfriend Rulen went!” I smirked. “He is not my boyfriend!” It was after several attempts like that they managed to squeeze me into a holding cell. It was there the dreams began.

I was in a building. No windows, no doors, just room after empty room. Except for one. Right in the center of the final room I entered, was a box. “No!” I shouted at the box as soon as I saw what it was “Not again!” Matches. The very thing I had sworn to never see again after that day.

It was a normal day in the training compound. I was the only one awake. I stared at the sleeping forms of my roommates, and in particular, at the sleeping form of my arch-nemesis Freyan. If only I could get back at her somehow for showing me up at every turn. My eyes were drawn to an object on my bedside table. A Fiery Vaporizer Mk II; my weapon of choice... I told them that the fire was a freak accident, and that I only got away from the flames because I couldn’t sleep, which was mostly true.

I tried to stop myself from reaching towards the matches, but my hands would not respond to their owner’s urgent requests. I struck one and stuck it back on the box, quickly throwing the box away. As the flames rose, I glimpsed a flicker of something on the previously bare wall. A mirror. I looked into it. A strange creature glared back. Sort of a giant cross between a mouse and a guinea pig, though made entirely of obsidian. I put a hand to my chest. The creature raised an arm as well, though instead of replicating my movements, it raised a sword of obsidian and stabbed me in the heart. My chest felt like it was on fire. I looked down. It was. As the flames enveloped me, I somehow applied my trademark sarcastic grin “Well that was weird.”

I awoke from the nightmare in the same position the search party found me in. After assessing the situation (by which she meant tossing the bomb away and curling in a ball) , I turned my attention to the hood wearing pair that accosted me. They removed their hoods. “Put the bomb down” said a rather dapper looking Gentleman wearing a tricorne and what appeared to be hand-me-down Iron Valkyrie armor. His most striking feature, was, as I assume you’ve already guessed, was that one of his eyes was locking in a permanent glare. “Violet, it’s me, Bechamel- we need to talk” said the other figure. As we walked away, I noted that something on me was glowing. I looked down. A strange symbol--resembling a wrench partly encircled by a gear--was branded right above my heart.
The dull burning sensation I had been experiencing but had been previously too busy to notice flared up with a vengeance as it found it's origin.
Bechamel followed my gaze. "Oh yeah, and we might need to get a medic to look at that." "And if all else fails" Swift grinned as he produced a Spiral Soaker. Violet hoped he was joking.

Mon, 03/21/2016 - 16:08
#6
Angel-Girl's picture
Angel-Girl
SOMEONE SAW IT •O•

*screaming* THIS IS THE FIRST FANFIC WHERE THE VAELYN-RULEN EVIDENCE IS HERE!!! FINALLY SOMEONE SEES- *gasping* A little hyper there. Sorry. (I ship em too much off of the hazy evidence....*shrug*)

I'm pretty sure you edited, you added an extra end scene there. Anyway, I think it was a much better ending.

I liked the opening about where and how they found her with a bomb. That was sort of "woah".

I got kind of confused when Violet had the jet pack thing in the flashback. What was she doing? Trying to jump off the Skylark and fly back to Isora? *shrug*

GUINEA PIGS (I'm a complete guinea pig maniac. XD)

~Angel-Girl, the Guinea-Pig-Maniac-Valkyrie

EDIT: WAIT JUST A MINUTE.

"As we walked away, I noted that something on me was glowing. I looked down. A strange symbol--resembling a wrench partly encircled by a gear--was branded right above my heart."

A wrench encircled by a gear? That sounds EXACTLY like the Crimson Order insignia!!! O-o

Tue, 03/22/2016 - 18:48
#7
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+ Cha modifier-Wis modifer= what I think of you...

Really? The first one with Vaelyn-Rulen? It was kinda obvious

Yes on the extra bit, I completely forgot to add the brand thing and I only noticed when I did a grammar check XD

As for the jetpack, yes. Violet really never let such things as science stop her!

Guinea Pig maniac eh? Ditto, I am the proud owner of a pair of the fluffy monsters :)

EDIT:

Crimson Order symbol? I have no idea what your talking about ;)

Thu, 04/07/2016 - 18:44
#8
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
Raise your guinea pigs Ladles and Jellyspoons!

Right Chapter 3, here we go. EDITED YAY!

Chapter 3: an Epitaph to common sense.

They say they found me sometime after Bechamel found the others. I was on the morgue, busy being being dead. I was one of the first to fall in the Morai Wars you see, and when Spiral HQ left Isora, they decided that they would take those that hadn't been already properly buried with them to give them a ritual cremation wherever we happened to land first. However, the problem was; I wasn't actually dead. You see, at the beginning of the War, there was no such thing as the Spark of Life, so those that "died" in those first few months were simply cryogenically frozen, stored, and left in the vain hope that one day they could be revived. So why did I end up in the Morgue? Logistics and politics of course. Some useless uninformed pencil pusher wondered why we had a bunch of frozen dead bodies stored in a warehouse and decided to didpose. Of course when she posted the new order she also accidentally deleted the one that said we actually might be still alive. So that was how me and a hundred knights like me ended up in metal boxes deep in the bowels of the Skylark. Luckily for her though, I couldn't exactly wake up and bop her on the nose with my Troika, no; I was far too busy dreaming.

I was on a battlefield. The sounds of war assaulted my eardrums as I surveyed the wartorn plain. I was barely surprised realize that this was the field I died on. I looked to my left and right, expecting to see my squadmates. I was half right. my friends Afen and Garen grinned back at me with skinless faces. I winced, and tried to ignore them. This only served to make the armored skeletons of my compatriots stare more intently with eyeless sockets. I looked back towards where the Morai we had been fighting should be. But what stared back at me was no Morai. Standing taller than a Knight this armored monstrosity stared at me with fiery eyes. It moved closer and leaned down. "Welcome home, maiden of Almire." I became acutely aware of the knife in the creature's hand.

"And then he said, why drop the health pill? I've had the medikit since we left!" said a voice from a million miles away. "Aw comon Swift, that was comedy gold!" a thousand. "I'm sure it is, Bechamel, I just can't seem to get jokes in general, I'm sure it's not you at all." a hundred. I first I had all thought this was another nightmare warming up before chipping aware what little sanity I had left. But I didn't know these voices, and the dreams usually involved people close to me. Unless. Well, he was just a little recruit when I passed, so maybe his voice is a little different. But it couldn't be. A pneumatic hiss followed a blast of light. "She just in a coma, good, right, did you bring the Sparks?" "Yep, here we go, now do remember, this is experimental technology, so we don't know what it'll do." In reply, energy pierced through the Veil and coursed through my body. For the first time in a long, long time; I took a long, gasping breath. Gloved hands lifted me into a standing position. "Wakey wakey sis, we have some things to discuss." I barely gave Bechamel and his strange companion a glance before glancing around nervously. "This-this isn't another dream is it?" I stuttered. "No, Epitaph, this isn't a dream." assured my brother.

Bechamel guided that three through the winding depths of the Skylark towards the empty dorm that the now quartet were using for living quarters. Naturally, I got a few stares and second glances from people I used to know, but I was in no mood to talk and instead shrugged the hood I had been given higher and told Bechamel to walk faster. When they finally reached the (frankly derelict) dorm my first move was to leap onto the nearest bed and curl up for a nap. "Huh, you would think that after being dead for five years she would be less tired." Swift quipped. Violet, who had vaguely known Epitaph me we were Squires just smiled warmly and placed a blanket around my shoulders. Bechamel now took the time to thrust a mirror in my face. Two scars from the creature in my dreams were plastered across my mouth, forming a permanent smile. "At least you'll smile once in a while now, now rest Maiden of Isora." I shuddered and curled back up "I think its safe to say I don't like that title anymore Bech."

Tue, 03/29/2016 - 14:28
#9
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+ Cha modifier-Wis modifer= what I think of you...

Badumpybumpbump

Wed, 03/30/2016 - 16:46
#10
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+Cha modifier-Wis modifier= what I think of you

WOOT WOOT! \(^-^)/

Energy coursing
Through veins of these Knights
Mysterious Yes?

Chapter Four: Drop-pod It All

“Ok, Bech, we’re all here, so do you mind telling me why you’ve gathered your not-dead sister, the ship masco…” Epitaph almost stopped when she saw Swift’s’ look, but after finding no better title in her less-than-imaginative mind, she shrugged at him and continued “…and your girlfriend and told them to meet in the storage locker?” Bechamel blushed at that last part “I think girlfriend is going a bit far Epi, we’re just friends; do stop making assumptions to stir up trouble.” “Are you avoiding the question?” Swift winked (which is really hard to do when you only have control of one eye.) Bechamel pushed his glasses back up “Hardly, anyway, the reason I called you all here is regarding this.” He pulled a lever on the wall, revealing a host of monitors hidden behind a cabinet. He pointed to one of the monitors. “I was tinkering with energy tracking technology that we could use to find this power source Ozlo is going on about, so when I found three huge energy signatures on the ship that weren’t on any maps of the Skylark electric grid, I decided to investigate. “So that’s how you found us?” Swift queried. “Indeed” said Bechamel, who was fast swinging into nerd mode “Now, if you look here—“ Violet tapped him on the shoulder and pointed to another screen. “Erm, Bech, if we’re those energy thingamawhatsits over here, whats that thing?” Bechamel’s eyes bulged “That, dear Violet, is exactly why we left Isora.”
Ozlo was just coming out of the mist cleanser when the quartet burst into his chambers. Ozlo chucked away the rubber ducky he was playing with and straightened his hat. “What is the meaning of this? Surely you wouldn’t be a part of these shenanigans Bechamel?” “So sorry sir…but…we found it.” “You came all the way up here to tell me that? Our tech gurus found that a day or two ago, do stick to fashion boy” Bechamel had just enough time to look crestfallen before the whole ship almost flipped over. Swift was stared out the window “Lasers…escape pod…don’t argue.” No one did. Despite excessive grumbling, Swift managed to use his rather impressive amount of charm to get the four onto a drop shuttle normally used for officers. Bechamel used this opportunity to hand each of the others a bag containing new outfits. “I thought that while I had the time I would give you each these.” Swift’s contained two small items, a monocle and a badge. “The monocle is to make it easier to see out of that eye of yours and you all have one of the badges, I thought it made you look more like a cohesive group” Bechamel said as he set up a curtain for the girls to change behind. Swift stared curiously at the crest “Three rings, three energy signatures; clever Bechamel.” Violet’s bag contained an outfit to replace the orange jumpsuit that she had been wearing since she was put in the holding cell, a sufficiently explosive smothered coat and a Spiral Tailed Helm with extra plume as well as her badge. Violet squeezed Bechamel to the point of suffocation “Aww Bech, you know me so well!” He cringed at the use of his sister’s pet name for him but a glance in her direction proved that she wasn’t annoyed to the point of violence; yet. The last bag was Epitaph’s, and it contained a set of simply adorned Tri-Guard armor and badge. She grunted her satisfaction and went behind the curtain. Bechamel decided that he should probably start steering the ship now, and was reaching for the controls when a flash of light in the window momentarily blinded him. He thought it nothing until he noticed that he was now steering into a rather large moon. What came next could only be described as a frantic game of Flappy Bird as Bechamel navigated through the sea of debris surrounding the monolithic rock. Sometime during this, a voice Swift vaguely recognized as Kora’s blared in the speakers. “Shuttle 446, where the heck are you? The rest of us set down half an hour ago!” Violet was quick to jump to the mic set on the wall “Look, little miss perfect, we’re experiencing technical difficulties right now, so radio silence would be appreciated!” A huff was reduced to a burst of static by the interference coming from all of the debris around them as Kora signed off. A short while later another voice appeared in the speakers, that of Captain Ozlo “Alright you four, when you land I have job for you to do to make up for interrupting my bath time. As soon as we landed on the planet we sent out a squad of our best to investigate the power source that led us here. They seem to have run into a spot of trouble, so we need you to meet up with them and make sure they’re alright. Good luck, Bravo Squad.” Swift smirked as he raided the weapon rack. He held up a Magnus. “A Gentleman’s weapon, to be sure.” Bechamel and Epitaph play duelled in the limited space of the shuttle, Bechamel with his Scissor Blade and his sister with her new troika and plate shield. They all burst out laughing when Violet came in, as she was covered from head to toe in explosives of every variety, from Alchemical Grenades to a bandolier of Irontech Destroyers. “What?” she said, though as she had a shard bomb in her mouth (no mean feat, those things are sharp) it was somewhat garbled. Bechamel made a fancy swooshing manoeuvre and sheathed his sword. “Right, now to actually land this bucket of bolts.”

Thu, 03/31/2016 - 19:25
#11
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+Cha modifier-Wis modifier= what I think of you

Chapter 5: Encounter Clockwise

Welcome to Cradle
Oh Knights that come from above
Watch out for danger!

Somehow miraculously (For flying was never Bechamel’s strong suit) they swung into the orbit of this strange new world. “Maybe we should avoid that big tear in the planet eh Bechamel?” Swift quipped as he plonked himself down in the co-pilot’s chair. “Actually, my good Gentleman, that is exactly where we are headed” Bechamel grunted through clenched teeth. Swift ceased flicking the hula Knight on the dashboard and adjusted his monocle. “Dare I ask why?” “Well, while you three where goofing off in the back doing Isora knows what, Kora sent me another message saying that Alpha squad, the one’s we’re checking up on, went underground, so I thought I’d make it easier for us” Bechamel replied. The shuttle slowly descended into the rift, and soon landed on a metal platform. The four, having grown rather tired of each other’s company in such a small space, practically tore the door off to get out of the cramped shuttle. Each went to do what they did best: Swift disappeared into the bushes to ‘scout’ (which meant glance around then have a nap), Epitaph and Bechamel argued as to what to do next, and Violet liberally spread Irontech Destroyers to ‘clear the landing zone.’ It was amidst all this that a small figure dashed through the group. Bechamel was the first to notice it. “Hey look! I know that Battle Sprite from somewhere…It’s…Vaelyn’s, no…Rulens?” “It’s Parma’s you dolt!” Epitaph shoved past her brother and tried to wave down the pink E-class. Completely oblivious, the owner of the sprite steered the construct down past the LZ and further into the cavernous maw of the planet. Swift peered around the edge of the platform and gulped. “Far down?” Violet asked. “It’s not the drop I’m worried about” Swift answered and ushered the other three over to the edge. I was when they we are precariously positioned in the same manner as Swift when a voice sounded in his head. “You could just push them now and be rid of them.” He tried to take it in his stride, and thankfully no one noticed him whispered back to no one in particular. “Look, I don’t know who or what you are; but get out.” That seemed to shut it up, whatever it was. This had given the other three to get up to speed in the panorama below them. The walls of the fissure were lined with platforms identical to one’s they were on, except these ones were covered with houses ranging from sheet metal shacks to veritable iron fortresses. Abodes were not the only things covering these platforms. Displays of scientific prowess (or lack of it), from the alchemical to the mechanical to the apparent arcane, from the strange sigils on a few platforms. Violet was about to say something when a voice sounded on her head “*snicker*, welcome home.” She looked around, but saw no one but her friends. She was about to ask the others about it when she was rudely interrupted by a puff of smoke and a long drawn out hiss. The quartet slowly turned around. Violet gasped. Beneath the red wrappings of the group that had apparently ambushed them she could clearly see what they were. “It’s you! The guinea pig men! You-You…GREMLINS!” The creature snickered “How astute, little knight, between that and whatever that is” Herex, for that was who it was pointed at the symbol in her chest “We have to interrogate this one. As for the rest, I’m sure the Order will want them for one reason or another, and these three will make fine offerings to ‘appease our masters’” he giggled at that last bit. Before we could continue, Swift did the best he could in the situation: He grabbed Epitaph’s hand, shoved the other two off the edge; and jumped. The fall was a pleasant one, with the only thing to really think about was the fact that no one knew what lay at the bottom. They quickly saw that the bottom was a platform of solid metal. “Well” Swift managed to wink “GG eh?” It was to everyone’s surprise that when he winked, a beam of purple light shot from his bad eye, forming a pool of dark water on the floor. “Well THAT’S gonna break our fall right?” Epitaph said drily. To everyone’s surprise, it didn’t. They went right through.

Sat, 04/02/2016 - 07:43
#12
Angel-Girl's picture
Angel-Girl
Yays!

Two chapters in two days! Yay!

Chapter 4 - The only major thing was telling who was Bechamel's sister, and who was his "girlfriend". When they're in the pod, Violet hugs him to death and uses his "pet name made up by his sister". It seems like then VIOLET is his sister, even though in the last chapter you said it was Epi. May wanna clear that up.

Everything else was just lack of commas and periods. Despite that, I loved it anyway because of the first trace of my intro XD Been wanting my character to show up in someone else's writing for awhile!

Chapter 5 -

Heh, loved Swift's definition of scouting!

More places without periods or commas.

GUINEA PIG MEN HAVE MADE THEIR APPEARANCE!!!! LOCK YOUR DOORS AND HIDE YOUR CARROTS!!!!

OVERALL NOTE: You should try spacing out your paragraphs, they're kind of clumpy. I had the same problem in the early stages of my story, and someone pointed it out. I fixed it and found reading it myself made reading easier and more pleasant.

Nice job on both chapters! (3 was good, but I'm too lazy to write more)

~Angel-Girl, the Valkyrie

Sun, 04/03/2016 - 15:26
#13
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+ Cha modifier-Wis modifer= what I think of you...

Sorry about the confusion with the two girls. Epitaph is in fact Bechamel's sister, though Violet is not Bech's girlfriend; Epi is just super protective and likes to make assumptions.

As for the punctuation, IRL I'm a total grammar freak but when I write stuff all of the nerd kinda falls off of me. I have taken in your advice I and will attempt to edit more, I was just trying to get something out before what was the weekend for me. Note that this will mean that it will begin to be more like a chapter every two or three days, as I generally write when I'm meant to be doing schoolwork ;). I intend to, at the end of part 1, go back and edit (or have someone else to it) and flesh out everything; so if for whatever reason I haven't done anything in a long while, check older chapters, and if you notice anything different, that'll probably be why.

Sun, 04/03/2016 - 17:09
#14
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+ Cha modifier-Wis modifer= what I think of you...

Updated Chapter 1! \(^-^)/

Sun, 04/03/2016 - 18:15
#15
Angel-Girl's picture
Angel-Girl
Updates (YAYS!)

I like it! (Not just saying that)

I wonder what group the crest that Swift mysteriously got is from....hmmm....I have no ideas. XD

I like the new touch to Swift's dream, about his own body(ies) being embedded in giant red ice cubes. (Right? Did I read that right? *Checks again* Yeah, I did.) Creepies....

"Dream my ecto drops"? Where did that come from...? It seemed kind of random to me.

Sun, 04/03/2016 - 19:52
#16
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+Cha modifier-Wis modifier= what I think of you

The crest is not in the game

The Ice cubes drew inspiration from the crimson ice in Terraria

'Ecto drops' is now what you say in place of offensive language

Sun, 04/03/2016 - 20:27
#17
Angel-Girl's picture
Angel-Girl
TERRARIA!

You play Terraria?! :D That's awesome, I do too! (Well, playing as in getting on whenever my siblings or other friends are on XD)

Tue, 04/05/2016 - 16:05
#18
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+Cha modifier-Wis modifier= what I think of you

Well I say I 'play' Terraria, but me and my friends clocked it almost a year ago on Xbox.

Tue, 04/05/2016 - 19:20
#19
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+Cha modifier-Wis modifier= what I think of you

Chapter 2 Edited! HINT: Spell it backwards (you'll know what i'm talking about ;) )

Tue, 04/05/2016 - 20:09
#20
Angel-Girl's picture
Angel-Girl
Oh XD

For a minute I was like "Spell what backwards?". XD Now I get it.

Thu, 04/07/2016 - 16:49
#21
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
2d20's+Cha modifier-Wis modifier= what I think of you

Yeah I kinda wanted it to be a surprise but it was kinda obvious so I just nudged everyone towards the inevitable.

Thu, 04/07/2016 - 18:45
#22
Inquistitive-Ego's picture
Inquistitive-Ego
Raise your guinea pigs Ladles and Jellyspoons!

CHAPTER 3 EDITED YAY!

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