Spiral Knights - Spiral HQ Incident Log

Spiral HQ Incident Log

23 replies [Last post]

Mon, 05/09/2016 - 14:31

Umbra-Lunatis

(As a disclaimer, these are just for fun and may not be considered canonical in some instances)

Incident Report A-1
Defender Elite █████ proceeds to alchemize a Swiftstrike Buckler in Haven's Town Square. Visibly amused at its effects on physical speed, █████ makes the decision to alchemize a total of eight (8) more of such Bucklers.
This process was described by █████ as "Science, ████████████"
Defender Elite █████proceeds to strap on all nine (9) newly-created Swiftstrike Bucklers, adhering two (2) to each limb and one to his back. █████steps forward once, and simultaneously accelerates to a speed of ██ m/s, vanishing from view in roughly eight seconds.
Subject was found after a two-day search with his head embedded in a cliffside, and has made a full recovery. Further experimentation with the bodily usage of multiple Swiftstrike Bucklers is discouraged due to safety concerns.

Incident Report B-1
Vanguard ██████-████ terminates a Darkfang Thwacker and grabs its shield prior to disintegration. The Shield remains intact up until the point that ██████-████ decides to sell it, resulting in the Shield's disintegration right before money is exchanged.
Further testing from multiple sources reveals that Darkfang Shields obtained in this manner will disintegrate if any of the following conditions are met:
•The Shield is sold in any form
•The Shield is traded or given away in any form
•The Shield is bound to a player
•The Shield is deposited into any form of storage, including a Knight's Arsenal
This property effectively renders forcefully-taken Darkfang Shields completely unusable. Biotech Hahn speculates that this unusual property is an anti-theft measure implemented by the Crimson Order to ensure that its own weaponry is not used against the organization.

Incident Report C-1
[REDACTED]
Note: "Yes, yes; we all know that Jelly Cubes dissolve when exposed to rock salt. However, that is NOT an acceptable reason to send recruits into the Royal Jelly Palace armed with nothing but saltshakers and a box fan" -Scarlet Scout ███-███

Incident Report D-1
Defender Elite ████ visits Bechamel, who grafts Valkyrie Wings onto her armor.
████ thanks Bechamel before jumping off the nearest chasm in an attempt to "fly" using the wings.
Defender Elite ████ was later found unconscious on the Core's surface by Researcher Vaelyn. ████ was subsequently Sparked in the infirmary a week later, and gave a thumbs-up immediately after regaining consciousness.
Note: I do accessories, not aerodynamics. Haven't worked out all the kinks with Wings yet, so quit jumping off cliffs with them" -Bechamel

moar?

Fri, 05/13/2016 - 18:25

Autofire

You are experiencing a PICNIC ERROR!

The first one was awesome. So was the third one. And the fourth one.

The second one....idk.

Fri, 05/13/2016 - 20:35

Xaurian

These reminded me of the SCP Foundation. And they're also pretty funny.

Keep at it. This is great.

Sat, 05/14/2016 - 04:19

Blue-Knife

This stuff is amazing. Truly.

This stuff is amazing. Truly. Funniest SK things I've seen since 2012

Sun, 05/15/2016 - 08:29

Umbra-Lunatis

moar by popular demadn

Incident Report E-1
Knight Elite ████-███ presents a copy of the Holy Bible to the Konjuring mewkat residing in Moorcroft Manor.
After approximately fifteen (15) secons of reading, the mewkat quickly burst into flames and [DATA EXPUNGED]
Note: Well, I think that scarred me for life. -████-███
Knight Elite ████-███ was last seen in the Firestorm Citadel bashing Slag Walkers over the head with the aforementioned book.

Incident Report F-1
A Quicksilver Lichen was placed in the center of four (4) electrically-charged pylons. Pylons were fed equal anounts of electricity in excess of █████ volts.
The Quicksilver began ricocheting around the test room as a result, eventually punching a hole in the ceiling and flying off.
Currently thought to be in orbit.

Incident Report G-1
Recruit ████████ earns a small fortune after realizing Chroma Whelps' ability to be tamed and sold as hats.
████████'s business subsequently collapsed after all ███ tamed Chroma Whelps ran off into the Clockworks whenever a Knight wearing one encountered a Beast stratum.

Incident Report H-1
Defender ████ amasses a total of ██ Auto Turret Kits after exiting Clockworks dungeons.
Whilst fighting a horde of Dust Zombies, ████ and his current team members deploy all collected kits in a ring around themselves, and proceed to sit down and converse with eachother.
When all ██ Auto Turrets had expired, no trace remained of the Dust Zombie horde past a molecular level.
Note: I solve practical problems. -████
[ADDENDUM H-1-1]
Defender ████ amasses [DATA LOST] of Artillery Strike Beacons.
Upon usage of all such Beacons in rapid succession, nearby Spiral Munitions Storage █████ was completely emptied of its contents. A section of scorched Clockwork Tunnel was found by Lieutenant Vaelyn in the Core Terminal, along with the remains of two Lumbers
Note: The term "use rockets to make stuff more deader" is not a valid excuse for gross misuse of munitions and excessive damage to the planetary structure. -Lieutenant Vaelyn

Sun, 05/15/2016 - 06:36

Autofire

You are experiencing a PICNIC ERROR!

"use rockets to make stuff more deader"

I'll have to remember that one.

Sun, 05/15/2016 - 08:20

Corporal-Shade

I'm a Wizard

Drat. No wonder everyone was telling me that Chroma Taming was a bad money making method.

Thu, 05/19/2016 - 10:35

Umbra-Lunatis

i'm just gonna update this whenever i feel like it

y'all are free to join in, just remember to follow the order/style I've set (Letter-number, with Z-1 transitioning to A-2, and Addendums being Letter-number-1, etc)
Without further ado,

Incident Report I-1
[REDACTED]
Note: "No, attaching a Cautery Sword to a spring and placing it inside a Gift Box is not a 'surprise medical procedure'. Disciplinary action will be administered accordingly". -Head Medical Officer ████████
[ADDENDUM I-1-1] "Neither is beating somebody over the head with a Wrench Wand while repeatedly shouting 'Heal!'. Knight ███-█████-██ is hereby assigned to Compound Patrol until further notice" -Head Medical Officer ████████

Incident Report J-1
Vanguard ███████-██ comes out of the Clockworks holding a Ghost Block, making the decision to place it in his Guild Hall "as a cool-███ decoration".
██% of the Hall is vaporized █ days later when ███████-██ accidentally bumps it with a table. Recommended that Knights keep Ghost Blocks in their native environments due to their inherent instability.

Incident Report K-1
Defender Elite ██████ successfully alchemizes a "Ban Stick", being a crowbar made from steel, ██ Eternal Orbs of Alchemy, and a large supply of [DATA EXPUNGED]. Reported to deal damage in excess of ████ HP, regardless of Clockwork tier.
Immediately following the events of Addendum K-1-1, the Spiral Order's Violet Council has confiscated all recipes and samples of the "Ban Stick". [DATA EXPUNGED].
Following modifications by the Violet Council, the Ban Stick is reported to be one of the most powerful weapons known to the Spiral Order.
[ADDENDUM K-1-1]
[REDACTED DUE TO COPYRIGHT BY V████ CORP.]

Thu, 05/19/2016 - 09:52

Corporal-Shade

I'm a Wizard

How do you make that black space thing covering up the names?

Thu, 05/19/2016 - 10:37

Umbra-Lunatis

I looked up "black box unicode" or something similar the first time, though now i just copy/paste the ones already here.

Thu, 05/19/2016 - 15:20

#10

Corporal-Shade

SHQ Incident Log Section IV

Incident Report L-1
Defender █████████-█████ decided to combine Toxic Cores and fiery components with his Slime suit to alchemize a "Toxoil suit".
Negative results were not seen until █████████-█████ caught on fire from an Ironclaw Scorcher. █████████-█████ subsequently became severely burnt and poisoned as the suit caught on fire.
█████████-█████ has been sent to the infirmary and the suit has been confiscated.
Incident Report L-1.1
█████████-█████ apparently didn't learn his lesson. He proceeded to fuse Brute Jelly Mail with a Zee Core. The resulting "Sloom Mail" was shown to emit a highly sedative mist as seen from the large crowd of merchants sleeping near the Auction House, along with █████████-█████. The new suit was confiscated again.

Incident Report M-1
Vanguard ████████████ accidentally cursed his tennis racket when when attempting to attack a humbug pestering him. Tennis racket is shown to have cursed anyone that comes in contact with it. A total of ██ Knights have been cursed with this tennis racket.
Cursed Tennis racket was stored in a locked container along with the cursed ████-████ ███████, ████, and █████████.
[ADDENDUM M-1-1]
"All knights are required to store their weapons in their Arsenals in Haven to keep it a safe place for rookies." -Lieutenant Feron

Incident Report N-1
████-███████████ was seen taking money from recruits while disguised as Lieutenant Feron until the real Feron spotted the doppelganger and [DATA EXPUNGED] him.
████-███████████'s armor was confiscated and ███ Prestige was deducted from his record.
"If anyone does anything like this again I swear I'm gonna [DATA EXPUNGED]." - Lieutenant Feron

Thu, 05/19/2016 - 11:14

#11

Umbra-Lunatis

nice

Thu, 05/19/2016 - 20:41

#12

Liminori

ᅚ

Incident Report F-3
[ᅚᅚᅚᅚ] approached Spiral HQ with the idea of turning Cradle into a ship, and after much urging from Hahn and Ozlo, he stormed off.
[Addendum 2]
[ᅚᅚᅚᅚ] was caught working with the Crimson Order, everything from slipping top secret files, to building them even more Roarmulus Twins.
Needless to say, he won't be coming back.
"Where the hell are all these enormous gun-puppies coming from?!?" - [ᅚᅚᅚᅚᅚᅚᅚᅚᅚᅚ]

Thu, 05/19/2016 - 22:55

#13

Xaurian

Let's try writing some of my own.
___
Incident Report O-1

Champion █████-████████ decided to attempt "dual-wielding" two Plague Needles against a large group of Devil-ITs in Depth ██. The resulting barrage of ███ needles poisoned █████-████████'s entire squad, including █████-████████ himself. █████-████████ promptly had two weeks of pay docked for "reckless autogun abuse" and "almost giving everyone in the squad [REDACTED]".

"Next time someone tries giving me [DATA EXPUNGED], I'm going to punch them in the face." - ███-█████

Incident Report O-2

Defender Elite ███-█████ alchemizes a "crown case" that holds up 9,999 crowns. ███-█████ was later witnessed walking around Haven in odd patterns, constantly opening and closing the empty case. █ days later, ███-█████ suddenly disappears in Punch & Vise's shop with several other knights. █ minutes later, ███-█████ was found in the Town Square's fountain after opening the case while listening to [REDACTED].

Note: "The justification "for science" is not a valid reason to violate the laws of quantum physics with money storage containers." -Intel Agent Kora

__
Apologies if it wasn't funny, but I wanted to do something amusing considering what these other knights are doing.

Also, I salute you if you understand the reference in the second report.

Fri, 05/20/2016 - 05:27

#14

Umbra-Lunatis

These are really taking off. Love it

Fri, 05/20/2016 - 07:52

#15

Corporal-Shade

SHQ Incident Log Section VII

Incident Report P-1
Defender Elite ████████████ was another knight that came back from an expedition into the clockworks bruised and battered. He proceeded to ramble about a [DATA EXPUNGED] suddenly appearing in the Lichenous Lair that he was in and started to attack him with a Ban Stick.
He was subsequently tested for toxic abnormalities in his system and the results came up as negative.
Chief Biotech Hahn says that this behavior of [DATA EXPUNGED]s is completely invalid as it contradicts all known facts about [DATA EXPUNGED].

Incident Report Q-1
Knight ████-████, amused at the fact that any little action a Demo makes lets loose mines, decides to conduct his own experiment. ████-████ grabs a Demo by the legs and starts to shake him wildly over the edge of the Deconstruction Zone.
Several days later a rookie squad found a burning Snarbolax forest complete with fire oriented beasts.
"We'd rather that Knights kill everything that tries to attack them rather than give them wedgies." -Recon Knight Rhendon

Incident Report R-1
███-███████ sounds super victorious when he gets his Seraphynx, and names it ███████. He then proceeds to start throwing Basic Health Capsules at as much monsters as he can. Kicked from most recent party for giving -██% effort.

Incident Report α-1
Warmaster Seerus just killed █████████ #█████ for littering. What the [DATA EXPUNGED], Seerus?

Fri, 05/20/2016 - 08:52

#16

Autofire

You are experiencing a PICNIC ERROR!

Incident Report S-1
Vanguard █████ alchemized four Iron Slugs with Charge Time Reduction: Very High (or better) and then heats them all to level 10. Then Vanguard █████ strapped two to her feet and held the other two, all while equipped with a Nameless Hat, a Justifier Jacket, and a Swiftstrike Buckler. Then she jumped into the Clockworks and proceeded to "fly" using the power of charged Iron Slug shots. She was not seen for ██ days, during which there were ██ reports of Iron Slug rounds raining on squads, occasionally hitting knights, and occasionally hitting other monsters. There were ███ reports of severely damaged or even destroyed Clockworks levels. This phenomenon was last observed on [DATA EXPUNGED]. Vanguard █████ was found a few days later at ████ █████████, writhing in pain caused by two dislocated shoulders. For her actions, Vanguard █████ has lost [DATA EXPUNGED] prestige and was required to give all but one Iron Slug.

Incident Report T-1
During the Trotodrone Migration, Knight ███-████████ alchemized and wore a Vitasuit Deluxe. Knight ███-████████ was the fifth Spiral medic.
[ADDENDUM T-1-1]
No, just because ███-████████ never lived to recommend the Vitasuit Deluxe, does not imply that ███-████████ would not have recommended it. ~Spiral medic ██████

Tue, 06/07/2016 - 09:37

#17

Monsterbrine

Incident Report: My Shot A La Greece

Incident Report Pi-1
Vanguard Poppy tamed an army of Ash Tails. She went with them on a raid against Vog (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Vog proceeded to burn her and her Ash Tails. She woke up a Fennec Foxer in the middle of a Wolver Den that became a desert. She had a brawny male Grey Wolver and a Vulturer as her minions. It is advised to stay away from the Snororan Desert even more now, and now it is also advised to not try to tame Ash Tails and raid against Vog.
Addendum Pi-1-1
Vanguard Poppy, using Hark the Grey Wolver and Bill the Vulturer, recently caught and eaten a Leaping Chromalisk that was once a Vanguard named Oscar. BEWARE TEAM DESERT! Get the Team Rocket pun? ~ Poppy
Addendum Pi-1-2
Poppy loved to watch Pokemon: Indigo League, and was once a good soul, but was darkened by the Snororan Desert, which usually doesn't happen since most lifeforms that enter there either 1.) Are Sleep-themed Monsters of the Clockworks, 2.) Become Sleep-themed Monsters of the Clockworks, 3.) Die from predation in their sleep, 4.) Survive normally (usually happens with statusless, Poison-themed, and Freeze-themed Beasts), or 5.) Die from a coma. ~ Monsterbrine, Clockwork News Network

Tue, 06/07/2016 - 10:27

#18

Monsterbrine

@EVERYONE ON CRADLE/EARTH

A-1 starts the first row of reports.
A-1-1 is the first possible addendum.
A-2 starts the second row of reports.
And SO ON!
@Autofire
Your second report would actually technically be W-1.
@EVERYONE ON CRADLE/EARTH
DRFAR;DRFNRAA: There are defective reports in this thread
Didn't
Read
For
A
Reason
;
Didn't
Read
For
No
Reason
At
All

Wed, 07/20/2016 - 09:02

#19

Hypo-Valence

Open > Officer Log > New Entry

Incident Report U-1

Following Champion █████'s 'private' attempt to deconstruct an Obsidian Crusher, the right section of the Garrison has been put under temporary lockdown pending its reconstruction. Squads ███-█ and ███-█ have been reassigned to assist in cleaning up the piles of debris and retrieve the missing grates and pipes from the Bazaar. Champion █████ is in stable condition in the infirmary following the injection of ██ powdered Health Capsules, and will be disciplined following his recovery.

Spiral HQ would like to remind all knights that all Apocrean weapons integrate technology that is not fully known to Spiral HQ at the moment, and are advised to rightly treat such technology as Class ██ dangerous ordinance, and not 'Rubik's Cubes'.

Incident Report V-1

Spiral HQ has been made aware that Technician Bosco has received several requests from █ Knights in 'overclocking their Rocket Hammers'. While it is commendable that our Knights are constantly seeking ways to improve their combat techniques and ability, the safety of all our knights come first and foremost. As such, all such requests are to cease.

[ADDENDUM V-1a]

Spiral HQ has received further reports that Punch and Vise have only been too happy to oblige immediately to such requests. Regrettably, several eyewitnesses confirm that two such knights proceeded to test their 'upgraded' weapons immediately in the Bazaar.

Several sources state that following some gremlin giggling and a "loud revving noise", two flaming Hammers careened across the sky at approximately ████m/s, proceeded by a huge explosion in the back wall of the arcade. Defender Elites █████-██ and ███████ have been caught and made to pay the cost of repairing the back half of the Arcade out of their accounts.

[ADDENDUM V-1b]

After some deliberation, Spiral HQ has decided to let Punch and Vise keep the ██████████ CE cost of overclocking the two hammers. Lieutenant Feron hops that this case will serve as an example to all other knights.

Wed, 07/27/2016 - 21:36

#20

Doctorspacebar

Incident Report W-1

Spiral HQ has been made aware of several scattered incidents concerning the improper use of Vials found in the Clockworks. HQ would like to remind all knights that Vials are ordnance and are meant to be thrown at hostiles. This is the only use of Vials permitted to any Spiral Knight with a rank below "Lieutenant" barring express consent by an Intel Agent.
[Addendum W-1-1]
In response to the incident involving Recruit █████-███████, Spiral HQ now expressly forbids the use of the phrase "chug, chug, chug" while any squad member is openly carrying a vial. █████-███████ is expected to recover in two weeks after application of ██ Remedy Capsules, and his squadmates are currently receiving discipline.
[Addendum W-1-2]
Spiral HQ would like to remind all knights that the substances contained in Shock Vials and common hair gels having a similar hue is entirely coincidental.

Incident Report X-1

In response to ██████████████████'s recent fictional work, Spiral HQ would like to remind everyone that Lieutenant Feron is not currently in any sort of relationship beyond the professional with Head Chef Biscotti.
[Addendum X-1-1]
Or Supplymaster Kozma.
[Addendum X-1-2]
Or Lieutenant Vaelyn.
[Addendum X-1-3]
Or Alpha Squad Parma.
[Addendum X-1-4]
Definitely not all four at once.

Incident Report Y-1

The Strangers have been making unsettling reports about Knight Elite ███-██-████-████-██'s Auction House activites. To reiterate: do not use war funds to increase the price of Maid Headbands to such an extent that the price of domestic service is increased to ten times its usual rate.

Tue, 10/04/2016 - 21:47

#21

The-Aura-Mancer

Incident report Z

a Knight by the name of The-Aura-Mancer came back from the gloaming wildwoods with a Strange curse. he had Barbs shooting out of his Back, and was Complaining of a Chromalisk Craving. Genetic Analysis suggests that he is Slowly turning into one of the Snarbolax.

[Appendum Z-1]

Apparently, his Spine is also getting a less upright Posture, and he is starting to get some type of Fur. Further Research is required.

[Appendum Z-2]

Catastrophe! We heard Screaming from Aura`s pod, [DATA EXPURGED], and, Upon entering, there was a Blue-Eyed Snarbolax in the Room. Analysis
suggests the Curse from the fur can Rub off on Knights, causing to turn into a "snarby". it seemed to be 5 weeks from Cradle`s Winter, and he was eating a lot. turns out, Snarbolaxes need to Gain 600 LBS to Properly Hibernate, which explains the Chromalisk Craving. what the [DATA EXPURGED], Snarbolax?

"don`t farm a Snarby for Hunting Trophies until further notice, or you may slowly and painfully turn into one of them" - Smitty the Impostocube and Monsterbrine, Clockwork news network.

Wed, 10/12/2016 - 12:12

#22

Corporal-Shade

Hello Darkness, my Old Friend.

With a (barely)"spooky" twist this time.

Incident Report A-2
[REDACTED]
[Addendum A-2-1]
"Until Vaelyn recovers from that, Rhendon will have to guard the core." -Lieutenant Feron
[Addendum A-2-2]
"The next person that shoves someone over the edge 'accudentally' will [REDACTED]." -Lieutenant Feron

Incident Report B-2
Vanguard ██████-█████ has his friend help him carry a bookcase out of Candlestick Keep, carrying it all the way to their guild hall.
Unfortunately, it spawned ██ Spookats, attacking the knights for █ hours until the bookcase was destroyed.
"Do not take free furniture from the clockworks, they could have termites or curses." -Lieutenant Feron

Incident Report C-2
█████████ was able to take a Slag Walker and apparently turn it into a bellhop for his guild hall.
A report from Bechamel came █ days later. It burned ██% of the furniture before she shipped it to death.
"Eyey, it's not entirely my fault, okay? I didn't know that it just somehow forgot how to attack!" -Vanguard █████████

Incident Report D-2
Vanguard ████████ defeated Arkus. And then rudely kept patting his body.
"Oh my [REDACTED]ing god! What the [REDACTED]?" -Sprite Caretaker Riley
[Addendum D-2-1]
Riley is sick. Send him to the medbay for recovery.
[Addendum D-2-2]
He's been sick for █ days. We're starting to doubt that he's actually sick.
[Addendum D-2-3]
Riley is actually VERY sick. Tylen has to take over his job temporarily.

Incident Report E-2
A riot happened in Haven, with the rioters yelling about radiant fire crystals. It took ██ Trojans spawned randomly to stop them.
"Hey, I don't make the rules here. Oh wait..." -Cronus

Wed, 10/12/2016 - 12:29

#23

Corporal-Shade

Hello Darkness, my Old Friend.

Incident Report F-2
Name calling is really demoralizing the rookies.
We'd like the higher ranks to refrain from calling low ranks:
-Noobs
-Redshirts
-Cannon Fodder
-Deadmeat
-Skrubs
-Whimps
-Losers
-Bait
-Rookies(it's come down to this, unfortunately)
-Nincompoops
-Idiots
-Boy Scouts
-Profanity(do we really have to go over this)
-Slaves(yes, yes we should)
-Idiots
-Dumbo
-Waiters
-Noobs(again)
-Dead Weight
-Meat Shields
-Twats
-Imbeciles
-F2Pers
-Wannabes
-@#& $@$@& #@&%

Search

Spiral HQ Incident Log