It's what kind of computer you have. Are you playing on a Mac, or on Windows?

Mkay, that's a good place to start.

Have you made any modifications to the game's default setup? IE, setting the game up to run on 64bit java and/or an extra.txt document?

If not, honestly, a number of those sound more like internet issues or packet loss of some sort.

If your ISP is Comcast, you may want to try running a random speed test from a place like "speedtest.net". That place is heavily swayed towards Comcast, however some times it's just your internet being throttled and running a speed test will suddenly make it speed up since Comcast wants to make it seem like their speeds are better than they actually are.
This little trick has worked for me on my desktop, so it's worth a shot at least.

I'd still recommend doing the speedtest to see if anything is going on there. My home internet is stable but occasionally there would just be weird SK issues that somehow resolved themselves that way. It's quick and easy and shouldn't really be too much of a hassle anyways.

Next, I'd recommend all drivers for graphics cards and the likes are updated.

Additionally, I would actually recommend changing your Steam Spiral Knights to run on 64bit java. Check out this Steam guide on how to do it. Worst case scenario is that you still have the issues, but with 64bit java you may find your game being more stable should you have the system to support it.

You may need to download java from their website if you don't have Java installed at all. Go to the manual Java download page and download the Windows Offline 64-Bit installer. From there you should be able to follow the instructions.

Additionally, if you'd like, try using this pingtest website to test your connections to the server. If there's a high jitter rate or significant packet loss, then that's the sign of the game running into issues with the internet and it isn't very easy to solve that.

(If the problems don't get fixed from 64bit java and the extra.txt, then you can always revert your changes... But usually the game runs better on 64bit java unless you have less than 4GB of RAM.)

@Veridian

What is your point? Your information is blatantly obvious (either client or server side? Obviously it is one of the two options, what else would it be...). Let's offer some real advice here.

@Tutoriel

If Fangel's tips didn't work, the last thing to do would be to make sure your computer has sufficient specs, and that your network configuration is stable (I highly doubt either of those are the issue). If your network, computer, and client are in good working order, then I am afraid you are out of luck.

I had the same issue with people walking off. This was with single digit ping, GTX 980, 6700k, >50mbps download and upload. It's pretty clear that the game has incapable servers, and unfortunately, unless OOO does something about it, not even google fiber would help.

As veridian said, what you described is absolutely caused by connection issues.

- I can't seem to log in.
This is caused by your client not being able to connect to the server in time when you try to log in. If there is an error message could you tell us what it is?

- When I select my usual knight, it doesn't bring me to the ready room, or does in like 10 mins. Literally.
Again, this is caused by a connection problem as the game client is trying to connect to an instance of the ready room before it actually begins loading on your client. If it's taking a long time, it's probably trying, failing, waiting a bit and trying again until it finally succeeds.

- From time to time, commands or when I talk to my buds, it's delayed.
The delay you're seeing is a delay in the message being sent from you to the server, and back again. Spiral knights usually handles this pretty well, so if you're seeing this then the connection must be pretty bad.

- Sometimes as I play Lockdown, or any mission in particular, EVERYTHING freezes and seems to walk off the map. After, I die because of that problem. Because the monsters attack me. :v Then I close my game and those problems (written on top ^) happen.
Stuff walking off the map is because your client isn't receiving any information on where those things should be, so it just lets them keep going in whatever direction they were until it gets more information. This is caused by packet loss, which is, would you believe, a connection problem.

Is your computer connected to the internet vie wi-fi (wireless)? If so, some interference may be causing the issue.