In which a knight literally named Mary Sue does all the cliches, all of them, featuring multiple confusing perspectives! A set of three asterisks (* * *) notes when the perspective flips between Mary Sue, the Narrator, and possibly other characters.
This fanfic isn't quite serious, but may get so later on.
Updates are not guaranteed due to my laziness, but patience will eventually reward you if you want to have a laugh.
Index
Chapter 1: Crash & Burn
Chapter 2: Jump The Chasm, Crossing The Shark
Chapter 3: It's Not Isora, But It's Home (For Now)
Chapter 4: Ripping Sprites
Chapter 5: Collecting A Bounty
Chapter 6: Edgy Shadow of The Edgy Beast
Chapter 7: Hi, Knight Mays Here With The NEW Threat!
Chapter 8: The Royal Jelly King Of Many Names
Chapter 9: Yet Another New Threat
Chapter 10: Project ARF
There was going to be more, but it was canceled. Please see the discontinuation notice by clicking here.
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Prologue
In the grim darkness of the far future, there is...oh who am I kidding, I can't say this with a straight face. Let's try that again...
In the edgy cliché of the random time period, there is a knight named Mary Sue aboard the spaceship Skylark with countless other knights, as it flees from the Morai Wars in search of a power to save their homeworld, which is probably molten glass by now. We shall focus everything on her now, as I, the narrator, am absolutely not a character but she is. Oh wait, I am one.
Whatever.
* * *
"Nothing exciting ever happens here." I thought to myself as I wandered the ship's recreation room. I overheard people chatting.
"What do you think is down on that planet?" One knight asked another.
"The dankest memes in the galaxy?" Another guessed.
I sat down at a table and looked out the window. Down below was our most recent visit, a strange mechanical world. They said there was an incredibly powerful energy signature coming from this exoplanet. Ever since we set off from Isora, we just kept jumping from star to star, planet to planet trying to find anything to turn the tide of the war we were in.
If only my "perfect" foresight, as Intel Agent Kora put it during my promotion to Knight, knew better.
BOOM!!
Everything lurched to the left, jolting me out of my seat.
"What was that!?" I shouted, getting back to my feet.
I could barely hear myself over a horrible droning noise that didn't sound like the usual commotion on the ship along with others shouting and screaming. The lights went out, but I could see a pinkish glow in the distance down the hallway leading into the rec room, which gave way to the familiar yellowish-white glow of fire.
"All hands, evacuate. The Skylark is under attack." An voice said over the intercom as the lights came back on. Klaxons began sounding.
All hell broke loose after that. A magenta laser beam tore through the rec room, melting parts of the ship and setting stuff on fire. Everyone began to panic.
"We're all gonna die!" A knight shouted, paralyzed with fear.
Remembering the evacuation drill, I sat up and began running to the emergency stairwell.
"Get to the escape pods on deck ninety-three!" I shouted.
Explosions rang through the ship as I climbed down the stairs. Many other knights were also heading down or up the emergency stairwell to deck ninety-three, where the escape pods were. It was a stampede.
"All hands, evacuate. The Skylark is under attack." The intercom repeated.
I reached deck ninety-three at last, only to watch as numerous pink beams tore through the ship right in front of me. Fires raged on deck as people scrambled to try and find any escape pod they could, including me. I made a mad dash for the first pod I could see. Once I got inside, I slammed the hatch shut and waited for the launch sequence to eject it from the Skylark.
"All hands, evacuate. The Skylark is..." The intercom repeated again, as my escape pod was launched out of the ship.
As I looked out the window of the escape pod, I spotted many other pods launching. I couldn't count how many launched, there were far too many. While the evacuation got underway, magenta laser beams continued to tear the Skylark to pieces. Explosions blossomed across the hull. I began flipping through the channels on my comlink, trying to listen in on anything happening as my escape pod fell to the planet below. Panicked screams and chaos were mixed with white noise as channels fell silent.
The Skylark began falling to the planet below as well, the attack having ceased as suddenly as it began. As my escape pod fell through the atmosphere, I began to wonder.
"Who shot us out of the sky? Why? What for?" I thought to myself.
But my pondering was cut short as the escape pod hit the ground suddenly, the jolt knocking me out.
* * *
And so, the Skylark was swiftly and brutally blown out of the sky by something on the surface of this strange planet, Cradle. What awaits our little Mary Sue?
Find out in The Downward Spiral...
* * *
I slowly came back to my senses. The sudden crash of the pod had knocked me out. Out the window, I could see a clear blue sky and soft white clouds. Instinctively, I grabbed the emergency hatch and turned it to open the pod. The handle broke free of the door and ended up in my hand. I looked around the pod for the emergency kit and opened it.
Retrieving a Proto Sword, Proto Shield and Proto Gun, I opened the door of the escape pod and stepped out onto the surface of this strange world. A cool breeze greeted me. I looked around, trying to establish where I had descended to. Off in the distance, I could see a large pillar of smoke rising just over the horizon.
"The Skylark must have crashed there." I thought to myself.
I equipped my shield, keeping my gun and sword holstered, and began walking down the rocky pathway towards the crash site. As I did, I came across a second crashed escape pod. I established a comlink.
"Knight Mary Sue calling, is anyone out there?" I asked.
"Is this a new and exciting dank meme?" A voice asked over the comlink.
"...I'm sorry, what?" I replied.
The door of the pod opened and another knight stepped out. He was wearing a Spiral Pith Helm and a Spiral Brigandine, both of a Cool color scheme.
"Oh, just another knight. Okay then." He said.
"Well, at least I'm not alone out here." I mused. "Who are you, anyway?"
"Squire Adrian Weiss." He stated. "Pleasure to meet you, Mary."
I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. A small green critter crawling towards us.
"But what is it with you and memes, anyway?" I asked.
"They're dank, okay?" Adrian answered. As I tried to keep my attention on both him and the critter, it suddenly stopped and began waving its tongue around. More of the little green creatures began approaching us.
"...I think we have company!" I said, whipping out my Proto Gun and shooting at one of them. It lashed me with its tongue. "Urk!"
Adrian promptly killed it with his Proto Sword.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
"I'm fine. We should probably make a run for it before they try anything else." I said.
We began running in the opposite direction to where the critters had come from, trying to reach the Skylark's wreck, only to find a sheer rock wall in front of us...and nowhere else to run.
"We may have gone the wrong way." I said, turning around to see the horde of critters approaching. "Try calling for backup, Adrian. I'll fend them off."
I pulled out my Proto Sword and rushed towards them, cutting through them and trying to keep them away from Adrian. I could hear him over the comlink calling for help.
"This is Squire Adrian Weiss! We're trapped and being attacked somewhere near the Skylark crash site! Requesting reinforcements! Can anyone hear me?"
A hail of golden needles suddenly came out of nowhere and hit the critters, exploding into a shower of shards.
"Yes, I can." A knight said, approaching with a Blitz Needle. "Recon Knight Rhendon here. You called?"
Rhendon then assisted me in cleaning up the remaining enemies.
"So, where are we?" I asked Rhendon.
"We've crashed on the surface of a planet apparently called Cradle." Rhendon answered. "Some survivors have formed a rescue camp nearby for survivors of the Skylark crash. We should get going there, the sun is setting."
"Got it." I said. "Escort us there."
* * *
Rhendon escorted Mary and Adrian to the Rescue Camp. A somewhat uneventful journey, if I might add...not. Close to the entrance, Mary spotted something strange.
* * *
As we made our way to the Rescue Camp, I started noticing trees with bits of machinery sticking out of them. They didn't look natural at all.
"Has anyone noticed the trees?" I asked. "They look extremely weird."
But as I was walking while looking around, I bumped into one of the trees. This one was of a darker coloration than the others, it was larger, and it seemed like an axe was hanging from one of the branches. Getting a better look, I realized the axe was part of the branch.
"...these aren't trees..." I said, realizing what was around us.
Without warning, two magenta eyes lit up on the tree, the head burst into flames and it swatted me away with its arm, sending me flying and knocking me to the ground. Adrian and Rhendon pulled out their weapons.
"How rude..." I mused, getting back up after being catapulted by the mechanical tree. The other trees woke up and began walking towards us.
I pulled out my Proto Gun and started shooting, again. It swung its axe at me, trying to cut me up. I kept walking around it in a circle, trying to move faster than it could turn. Adrian and Rhendon were distracted with the smaller trees, so I was left to fight the large tree by myself, which showed no signs of stopping.
It swung its arm at me again, but this time I decided to switch weapons to my Proto Sword and retaliate in turn. I sliced off its axe, removing the one thing that made it so dangerous.
"That should do the trick." I said, turning around and noticing Adrian and Rhendon had felled the other mechanical trees. "Guys! I stopped the giant tree!"
But then I noticed a large shadow bearing down on me. The giant mechanical tree was trying to crush me by falling on top of me! I ran out of the way, and it fell to the ground with an almighty crash. It was completely helpless after that point.
"And you almost became a Mary sandwich doing it!" Adrian joked. Me and Rhendon both laughed.
"But now let's make sure that giant tree doesn't hurt anyone else." Rhendon suggested.
I turned around to the mechanical tree again. I climbed onto it and attempted to jam its gears with my Proto Sword to no use. Adrian charged up his Proto Gun.
"Get off of it!" Adrian shouted. I jumped and ran back a safe distance. He fired his charge shot at the giant tree, causing it to explode in a shower of metal and wood chips.
"Nice kill!" I said. Then I noticed the sun was very low over the horizon. "We should probably get going. The sun's setting very soon."
We then continued our trek towards the rescue camp. After a short walk, we finally arrived.
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Author's notes:
The Chroma Whelps, Lumbers and Ironwood Sentinel are all referred to by their appearances as, at this early point, the knights wouldn't really know what they're called. It's best to assume they came up with the names later on, or found them out from the Strangers.
I replaced the Ironwood Sentinel's support with Lumbers since I felt it made more sense. Hooray, canon violations! (In-game, the actual support for the Ironwood Sentinel is Gun Puppies.)
Adrian Weiss is going to be quoting a lot of memes later on. He is after all a memester, and overly excited.