Shitpost coming to this dead forum, expect no updates or anything
---
Chapter 1: Murderknight vs Cyclops Squad
On a planet once known as Cradle, there lived a knight named Kozma who killed a hella bunch of people.
For a while, your average knight overlooked Kozma. Indeed, it was somewhat strange that Kozma seemed to teleport -- or according to others, be omnipresent -- but vanguards considered this mundane relative to Vanaduke resurrecting every ten minutes. One fateful day, the truth of the matter revealed itself rather violently.
Now, the roots of the incident were quite obvious in hindsight. For the longest time, nobody really considered where the fees for trading energy or auctioning items went. Most assumed it went to the strangers.
True, but misleading in one key way. It turned out that, unbeknownst to the entire Spiral Order, Kozma ran an elaborate embezzling scheme with the aid of the strangers, and over the course of 15 years, Kozma became the richest knight by a significant margin.
Kozma committed a criminal offense. In response, the guild known as the "NYPD" rolled up to Kozma's crib with a battalion of armored cars and tanks. The NYPD knights wielded Valiances, except they were black, made of metal, used box magazines, fired lead, were called Glocks, and overall looked nothing like Valiances at all.
The Cradle equivalent of a trillionaire wouldn't go down without a fight. She gathered ALL of her robot clones, each wearing ten True Love Lockets and equipped with 4 weapon slots, and also called upon those masked guys from the bazaar. Via vast resources and ethically questionable surgery, she turned them into half stranger, half VANADUKE abominations.
The NYPD didn't win.
Kozma didn't murder anyone else that day, unless you consider half of the Clockworks "somebody." She exorcised the undead, turned the slimes into cosmetics and toys of various kinds, deconstructed the constructs, enslaved half of the gremlins, killed the rest, turned the beasts into clothes, and of course enslaved the fiends too. Not wanting to be enslaved, the Spiral Order sent Kozma a peace treaty after she posted a TikTok of her shoving a Nitronome down Tinkinzar's throat.
To make a long story short, Feron ended up with a Proto Sword in his ass.
Kozma rolled up to King Krogmo and spanked him until he surrendered his private property. She then bulldozed the Town Square, put a golden throne on the auction house, turned the entire square into an arena, and changed her rank from squire to God Queen. As her first order of business, God Queen Kozma announced to all on Cradle:
"Henceforth, all of you are gladiators, fighting to death--or freedom--forevermore! And Cradle shall be renamed..."
"...KOZMA'S COLOSSEUM!"
THE ADVENTURES OF MURDERKNIGHT
Two hundred years later...
"And for your first challenger today, a gladiator from the backstreets of New Kozma: give it up for MUUURDERKNIIIGHT!"
Beside Kozma, announcing into his golden microphone, is Footlicker (ne King) Krogmo. Kozma tugs on the back of Footlicker Krogmo's shock collar to keep him talking.
"Murderknight has a record of 10-0 in the junior leagues, oh-ho! Not that you can have a '1' in the latter number, haha!"
The crowd laughs in unison. Murderknight marches into the Town Square arena, clad in a Spiral Pith Helm and Flak Jacket, also he has a Beast Basher in hand.
"Murderknight is challenging the current Division 10 champions...THE CYCLOPS SQUAAAD!"
"WOOHOO!"
"YEAAAH!"
"GO CYCLOOOPS!"
"MURDERKNIGHT AIN'T GOT NOTHING ON THE SQUAD!"
Emerging from the other end of the arena is a trio of knights in Cyclops Caps and Fencing Jackets. They recklessly hold their guns like the late knights from the NYPD. In red, green, and blue respectively are Bill, Bob, and Bobby.
Footlicker Krogmo claps extravagantly out of the fear of the shock collar and Kozma sticking a Proto Sword up his ass. "Will the Cyclops Squad achieve the 20 winstreak?! Will Bill get his 30th kill?! Now is the time for...!"
"KOZMA'S!"
"COLOSSEUM!"
That signals the start of combat.
Bill whispers, "Let's do this by the book. Once he gets in range, shoot him like we're in the Bronx."
Bob replies, "Yeah, I've got a butterfly knife too in case he gets too close."
"I only got my steak knife," says Bobby. "Whatever, just gun him down."
Murderknight walks forward menacingly, like he intends on commiting murder. Bill says, "I wonder where he got the name Murderknight from," like an idiot.
Bob shouts, "KILL HIM!"
PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW!
Murderknight bobs and weaves and dodges the bullets like he's in the matrix. He picks up a rock from the ground and throws it at Bobby's face. "F***!" cries Bobby as the rock breaks his eye module. "I spent my allowance on UV's for this s***!"
As Bobby reels from the impact, Murderknight leaps in the air, and SMASHES his Beast Basher into Bobby's head! The Beast Basher rends open Bobby's helm. Bobby's skull cracks open from the impact. His meninges get torn apart. The metal of the Beast Basher goes clean down Bobby's corpus callosum before his entire face explodes in gore.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screams Bill, for some reason surprised that Murderknight just murdered his friend.
Footlicker Krogmo says, "What a turn of events! But keep in mind, the prize money is split among the winning team! Is this the strategy of the Cyclops Squad? To sacrifice their teammate for more money?!"
"AAAAH BOBBY, NOOOOOO!" weeps Bob, deaf to both Footlicker Krogmo and the riotous applause.
"WOOOO! GOOO MURDERKNIGHT!"
"YEEAH, MURDER THE CYCLOPS SQUAD!"
"WOOHOO YOU GOT THIS MURDERKNIGHT!"
Now that Murderknight is in melee range, Bob charges him with his knife. Unfortunately Bob doesn't realize that he's a jobber, and Murderknight pommel strikes him in the face. Bob stumbles from the blow. Before Bob can recover, Murderknight slashes his hand, tearing apart his nerves and forcing him to drop the knife. Murderknight then bashes Bob's elbow, dislocating it and shattering it into a hundred pieces. He then drives the pick into Bob's feet in two clean strikes. Bob falls over. Murderknight kicks Bob in the ribs, shattering them. He then stomps Bob's face, breaking his face. Murderknight uses his Beast Basher to slap Bob, shattering his cheekbones into his mouth. He then slashes Bob's neck with the extreme force of a charge attack, decapitating Bob so violently that the head of his Beast Basher breaks off.
"BOOOOOOOB! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH NOOOOO WHYYYY!" says Bill in a bit of an overreaction. "I won't allow you to murder me, Murderknight! I'll avenge Bob and Bobby if it's the last thing I DOOO!"
Murderknight's weapon just broke. Bob sacrificed his life to give Bill this chance. He won't waste it, no matter what! Bill picks up Bob's decapitated head and throws it at Murderknight. Bill uses this opening to close the distance on Murderknight and try and punch him or something. However, Murderknight catches the head easily and brings it down on Bill's head, sending him sprawling to the ground.
"AAAGH! It hurts! Why is this happening?!" says Bill, for some reason moaning even though he agreed to this fight. "I won't give up, EVER!"
Bill desperately rolls away and gets back on his feet. He aims a right hook at Murderknight's face. Murderknight counters with a fist in the gut, ending Bill's momentum. Murderknight then kicks Bill's shin, breaking it. Bill curls up into a fetal position as Murderknight keeps kicking him.
"PLEASE STOP, NOOO!" begs Bill like a wuss, as if that could ever work. "Spare me, please!"
In theory, Murderknight could spare Bill. Rules did allow for it. But the prize money for killing was larger so mercy was never granted in Kozma's Colosseum. Thus, Murderknight picks up the broken head of his Beast Basher like a brick, then straddles Bill. He tears off Bill's helm. Murderknight bashes Bill in the face, breaking his nose. He then smacks Bill in the ears. He then pummels Bill in the forehead, breaking apart Bill's skull. He strikes Bill in the nose again. And then he shatters Bill's jaw. Murderknight turns Bill over and bashes the back of Bill's head around five times. Bill falls unconscious at this point. Finally, Murderknight uses the full force of his leg to kick Bill's head, ending him.
Silence. And then--
"WOOHOO YEAH MURDERKNIGHT!
"CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?"
"GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR NEW DIVISION 10 CHAMPION, MURDERKNIIIGHT!"
Kozma, wearing a set to twenty golden medallions all hiding True Love Lockets, reaches down for a bag of crowns. She gets up from her throne, and without a word, throws the bag into the arena.
...
Later that day, after the last of the games, Kozma sits at her desk with a curious file in her hands: the data of Murderknight. "Interesting," she mutters. "How shall I use this...?"
To be continued?! (Maybe)