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Spiral knights, The orchid rose squad, Chapter 2, my mom told me to never speak to strangers

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Sun, 07/03/2011 - 16:17
Halisi's picture
Halisi

Spiral knights
The orchid rose squad
Chapter 2, my mom told me to never speak to strangers

Dableybop jatope hnlom thto, good this data will be great for the stranger translator I’m working on. Hi my name is loral and I’m second in command in our squad, I’m also the other brain of the group, “snicker” hahaha ahh, but don’t tell anyone else I said that, they might take it the wrong way. So anyways like I said I’m currently working on a translator device for these creatures that we found, we decided to call them the strangers. The nicest things you’ll ever meet. We had just started scouting the area when I first laid eyes on one.
*
Loral, loral, I think we can slow down now, please loral your making me sick, “argh ack ack, and halisi starts to throw up”. Ewwww halisi that is gross why didn’t you say anything, ah that’s so gross. I tried to loral but you wouldn’t listen. That doesn’t matter you’re the one who did it so clean it. What. That’s right halisi, now I’m going ahead you can catch up when you’re done with that. You’re a jerk loral “looks left and right” loraaal “thinks too himself, she really left, sometimes I wonder why they paired her up with me”… “He starts yelling” wait a minute who does she think she is speaking to me like that I’m the leader of this squad. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.
*
Ddloo poplepople. Oh hi who are you. Jatope pople. Hmm I guess this is going to be a pretty one sided conversation, think loral think hmmm… “snap” I got it his language sounds a lot like the jerolos’s if I tune my translator to that I might get bits, and pieces of what he’s saying. Ddloo poplepople jatope pople hnlom gckpe “hello alien friend to our planet of cradle “static” fruit”. Hmm he’s probably asking if I want a fruit, yes I do “tlple “static”.
And that was how I first met the strangers, a couple of days later I finished my translator and communication between us became a lot easier. Stay tuned to hear about our first mission into the clockworks.

Sun, 07/03/2011 - 16:24
#1
Halisi's picture
Halisi
hope you like

I'm hoping this one is at least a little better haha. I fix my grammar and most of my spelling, and i put more indicators in each sentence as to whom is speaking. Stay tuned for chapter three, what the devilite? Also tell me anything i'm still lacking on and i'll try to fix it in the next chapter.(notes: after this chapter all conversations will be in english no other jibber jabber "excluding when gremlins talk")
thanks ciao.

Sun, 07/03/2011 - 19:17
#2
Prisega
" Hi my name is loral and I’m

" Hi my name is loral and I’m second in command in our squad, I’m also the other brain of the group, “snicker” hahaha ahh, but don’t tell anyone else I said that, they might take it the wrong way. So anyways like I said I’m currently working on a translator device for these creatures that we found, we decided to call them the strangers. The nicest things you’ll ever meet. We had just started scouting the area when I first laid eyes on one."

I'm confused at this piece, he starts off talking to the Stranger but then talks as if the Stranger isn't present. Just who is Loral talking to?

"And that was how I first met the strangers, a couple of days later I finished my translator and communication between us became a lot easier. Stay tuned to hear about our first mission into the clockworks."

Right here, isn't this Loral talking? If so then maybe I misunderstood but I thought Halisi was the narrator here (and even then you talk in 3rd person at points as well)

Most of it is good enough to understand but as I pointed out, problems still persist. This time I did follow (for the most part) who was talking though quotation marks and new paragraphs for new speakers would help. Also whats a Jerolo? As a final suggestion, it may just be better to keep all of your story within one topic. I haven't made a topic here yet but I want to believe you can edit the title to reflect the chapter and you can always self bump your topic saying that "Chapter X is now added in the main post!" that way its easier to manage and its all in one place in case someone new comes and wants to see the rest of it without searching all over the place.

Sun, 07/03/2011 - 19:42
#3
Fly18
Legacy Username
Glad you read my comment, but

Glad you read my comment, but you didn't understand what I meant by indicating who is speaking. In most literature, every new quote is also a new line for better organization

Ex:

Knight A says, "What a beautiful day!"

"You bet it is!" replies Knight B.

"I feel like going into the clockworks today," states Knight A.

"Really, I'll join you," offers Knight B.

"Thanks, I can always use the help!" Knight A excitedly responds.

Knight B says, "Okay, I'll meet you there."

So, yeah. It's much easier for the reader to understand.

Sun, 07/03/2011 - 21:26
#4
Halisi's picture
Halisi
to fly18 and yoshipatrol

thanks for your constructive criticism, for the most part fly18 i understand what you are saying and i will work on that point but you have to understand doing it in that way, i want my story to have a certaint level of subtlety to if i use that method everytime in my opinion it would just look sloppy. anyways that is just what i think, and no offense to you fly18. i am getting better at this and i will try something new i the next chapter if you still don't like it that way i will use your method. yoshipatrol, sometimes i will use made up and/or weird terms in my story and i will start to explain them after each story, also loral was talking first person in the first sentence, and then third for the rest of that paragraph.(notes: after each story i will say who the main narator, also loral is a she, jerolos are another alien race, and finally, thanks yoshipatrol i will do that).

Sun, 07/03/2011 - 21:28
#5
Halisi's picture
Halisi
also

fly18 ignore the placing of the no offence

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