The First Knight. a story.
Fri, 07/29/2011 - 15:30
this story is about Grittle, from Let the flames begin, I CREATED HIM SO NOBODY OBJECT! ill not be accepting any cast. just my creativity and a tad bit of humor.
Chapter 1
the following takes place between 1 year to another year, the following takes place in unrealistic measures.
Im Grittle, possibly the first knight to land in cradle, probally me or that fat man in kings of queens. well all I just remeber that ,my quarters just blown of the Skylark and land in some unknown forest,
"gahhh." my head hurts more than when i ate a full blaze pepper whole. my vision was quite blurred from impact. and all i see is my pie colletcion all mashed up, man, 4 years of collecting pie mashed in a shrub on some alienated planet. i look around and see my chair, pen, and was seems to be the rest of my squad mashed to pieces,
"this could'nt get any worse" i thought, then i turned around and see a tree, but it seemed to be as a chunk of metal on it, and then i heard in a low voice,
"lumbers, MOVE OUT" and see that tree, and two others start to transforn into a half-tree, half-robot beings. one look at me and said,
" INTRUDER, MUST ANNIAHLATE" and raise its big might arm, but i moved out of the way right before it smashed an innocent bird and where i was 1.2 seconds before.
"man, i thought, these look even more thougher than Nexus' face when i stole his energy bar."
i grabbed out my Pepperbox and shot that lumber directly at its eye, or eyes to be exact.
dow the might tree falls, as it crashed into another one, the third one seem a tad more smarter and move out of the way. and right as he moved planted a master blast bomb in the area it was.
then the regualer big blue face explosion appeared and i thought "this mabye this is going my way now" then the now-dead lumber's arm flew and smacked me in the side of my head.
Later that day:
i woke up and there was a square, a blue square, it was a jelly.
hey alien, it said, you better help me!
"what? and im not an alien, IM A ROBOT" i said
"im the last of my type, the brute jellies" it said
"brute what?" my eyes widen.
"jelly, you idiot" it said as it smacked my head with its body, but this time i kept awake.
"and how am i suppose to help you? its not like i fell from the sk- oh"
the brute jelly said "i have an idea, but it involves you to be in excruciating pain and you'll cry like the big wuss you are"
"alright, what is it" i said
the jelly said something in a foriegn languege, then ram into my face.
it was right, i cryed like a big wuss, and the pain was like no other, i thought while passing out" why is everything hitting my face today!"
then it was black.
how was it! and no, im not dead. expect chapter 2 soon.
Fri, 07/29/2011 - 15:38
#2
I think he's writing as if it
I think he's writing as if it were a spin-off of the other story, which would suggest there was no Alpha Team (A Team? lol) to begin with.
Fri, 07/29/2011 - 15:40
#3
ahem
the alpha team WHERE THE FIRST to explore the core.
grittle was THE FIRST who landed to the cradle on acciedeint
Fri, 07/29/2011 - 15:40
#4
... nice. i seem to have
... nice. i seem to have started a new trend.
Fri, 07/29/2011 - 15:40
#5
That would make sense,
That would make sense, then.
Grammar mistakes aside, if you were to clean up your spelling and write in an actual format, I would enjoy reading this a bit more.
Fri, 07/29/2011 - 15:53
#6
I swear no one proofreads
I swear no one proofreads their stories as there were a lot of stupid mistakes in there "dow went the might tree" Also the lovely button labled "shift" can help with your capitalization, its so hard to read as is. The story was hard to follow at parts too. How did the pies stay fresh for 4 years, did you take that wacky preservative that McDonald's uses in their food? I couldn't follow the lumber battle at all. I have a vague idea of what happened but this really needs some cleaning up. Also when does "the following take place"? It says over the course of a year then unmeasureable portions (or something to that extent)
Fri, 07/29/2011 - 15:58
#7
Maybe he's a space cop who's
Maybe he's a space cop who's also a retired unretired ex-time-cop? He could pull the pies from his transdimentional warp bracelet which is invisible and needs no description in order for him to miss details about the lumber battle and then over the course of 1 unmeasurable year, he defeats Tinkinzar and rescues the princess.
It's all in invisible ink!
Fri, 07/29/2011 - 16:03
#8
HEY
im indoneasain, thats the biggest excuse to mispelling you can get.
Fri, 07/29/2011 - 16:10
#9
I know plenty of Asians who
I know plenty of Asians who spell just fine and use correct grammar. If anything its probably your age since you'd have lack of experience with writing. Its understandable but what I'm doing here is pointing out what could help you to make the story more enjoyable. Some people, I myself am like this, can not bear to read something typed out like this, I even hate it when people text me using numbers for words and really bad abbreviations. Now why do I stick it out? I want to help people better develop their writing so that the people who won't be nearly as nice as me don't curse you out, yell, etc over the fact that you aren't using proper grammar.
Fri, 07/29/2011 - 16:13
#10
.
im 13, im just bad a typing at times.
Fri, 07/29/2011 - 16:17
#11
Like I said its fine. Its how
Like I said its fine. Its how you use the tips and criticism to your advantage that helps you out. The whole point of the criticism is to point out what works well and what doesn't to make it an overall better experience for writer and reader.
Sat, 07/30/2011 - 08:17
#12
Chapter 2
When i woke up, i was in a different place, instead of a the forest, it was.. in a normal building.
"wow, you took quite a fall from sky"
I looked around and i saw a stranger
"who are you" i said
"Im Vatel, and were stangers" the stranger said " i was looking for the snipe who yelp when i found you"
i said "hmm, i thought your species name would be different?"
"what would you expect? a species name Xx WM1 WM1 BR BR xX?" vatel said with anger.
" um no" i said, but i suddenly realized about the Brute jelly incandescent, "Vatel, can i borrow a mirror?"
Vatel handed me the mirror then i looked at myself. where was my magic hood was, it was completely covered with blue jelly. i tried to take it off, but it was stuck and it quivered
"man, seriously, stop touching me that hard, it hurts"
"man" i thought " this is even worse than when watching On 'The Case, With Lowercase'"
"hey that seems like a good show!" the brute jelly said.
i said to vatel,ignoring the brute jelly " hey can i leave this place, i really need to go to my spaceship"
Vatel said "oh no, in order to even leaves this place, you must rid the city's outer wall of devilites at night "
"oh how hard that could be?" i said
"really hard" the brute jelly said
later at night:
i walk out of the city, haven is what vatel said and not that long after that, what seems to be a group of small , weird beings ran in front of me.
" hey you, alien get out of here" one of them said
"are you... devilites?" i said, ignoring that comment.
"yes and we had to lose our vacation because of you!" another one of the devilites said.
then suddenly, a big blue devilite came in to the picture
" WE MANAGER NOW" the big blue devilite said
"oh great" one devilite said, "our pit boss"
"so if i kill it, you'll go away" i said
"yes"
"k then"
" I'M CRING"
after 2 minutes of whacking it with my pepperbox, which was out of torchstone, the pit boss ran away, spamming for no apparent reason.
and after that the devilites ran off too.
the brute helm quivered "that went easier than i thought"
"sure is" i said as we went into haven.
chapter 3 is coming soon
Sat, 07/30/2011 - 09:48
#13
????
Sorry but it seems that you really need to study writing skills.But im not trolling.By the way,lumbers are only in clockworks.Plus,how the heck did a jelly get out into the surface?Surely they don't know how to use elevators.
Sat, 07/30/2011 - 11:34
#14
gerry
remeber when you first begin your on the surface. there were jellies and chromalisks. the lumbers where made up.
Sat, 07/30/2011 - 14:27
#15
Oops
Thanx for correcting me but that was only TRAINING.But i guess that is your excuse but brute jelly probally not good.Should have a regular pink jelly instead.
Wed, 08/17/2011 - 15:51
#16
Whatever happened to this?
Whatever happened to this? Its getting smashed back.
I thought the first Knights were the Alpha Team...