OK, I think I have a concrete direction, I'll try to get to this at least once a week for a nice sized update, right now I'm just starting it out. Any feedback you have is appreciated, every now and then the story will branch which means I'll need votes for how things'll go down which means viewer pole time. Till then, please read, feel free to post thoughts and (HELPFUL!) criticisms, and any thoughts about what will happen in the future.
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He coughed and picked himself up, observing the crisp, clean, white medical room, and the table he layed on. The pain in his chest was sudden, and he cried out as a wave of it hit him, like a sword going straight through him. Two guards, wearing a crimson gold armor Goile had never seen before, rushed in.
“The shouts, what’s wrong,” “Nothing, how did I ge-” “since your finally awake, the doctor will want to check on you, if you do not mind.” He paused, waiting with a steady tap of his hand on the side of his armor for Goile’s answer. “s-sure, but what am I in….here..” The knights had already left the room, leaving him alone again in the empty, white abyss. Not… Me…. The voice resounded across the room, and Goile jumped as it echoed deeply towards him. He drew his gun as a dark red mist seeped through the far wall, as the door was slammed open. “JESUS man what are you doing? Get that gun out of his hands would you?” Goile turned towards the door as one of the golden guards from before rended the pistol from his loose grip. His head swiveled quickly back towards the mist, only to see the white wall, with its dull glow. “Given the circumstances of your arrival, I’m surprised you made it soldier.” “Good, maybe you could tell me about it?” “You don’t remember?” he quickly typed something onto a small pad that was floating lazily behind him, “Good to know, good to know… your eyes were out, no heat, no mist, nothing. You should’ve been dead.” The words slowly sunk into Goile, his arms laying limp at his sides, the light in his eyes glazed as he tried to process what the doctor had said. A pat on the back awoke him from his thought, “C’mon, your alive, that’s what counts right? By the way, the name’s Harm, make the jokes while they’re fresh.” “right now, Doc, I just want to get some rest, if you don-” “Not at all, these two’ll stay outside, if you don’t mind and, er, given the whole blaster thing, mind if they keep your sword for now?” “It’s ok, I don’t really trust myself right now.” He unclasped the sword and it’s sheath from his back, tossing it to the guard on the right. “Have a nice rest now, there’s someone who wants to meet you once your well,” With that, the Doctor Harm and the two guards walked calmly from the room. While the red mist sat watching the imposter from the corners of the medical room.
Sleep came easily to Goile, but the dreams awoke him. Dark shapes screeched as he ran down darkened corridors, a great machine, tendrils and wires and a deep voice, words unspoken, resounding in his head. Trapped in a dark vessel, the smoke stinging his skin as he screamed in pain. NOT. ME. The words shocked him from his sleep, and he again watched the red mist in the corner of his room, as it formed in the corner, taking the crude shape of a knight, an arm outstretched towards him, a blade dragged along the ground with the other. You’re. Not. Me! The being was without a helmet, but the veins that should have been full of mist sat dull and black, the mouth was unmoving, the voice resounding within Goile’s own mind. A knock on the door dispelled the mist as the Doctor and the room’s guards marched back in, one of the guard’s tossing his pistol and sword back into his lap “It’s time, one of the higher ups wants to see you” “The Warden?” The doctor chuckled, “A little higher than that, he’s the puppet. Now you meet the puppeteer.”
She let out a deep sigh, as she surveyed the massive pile of papers that littered her desk, spilling onto the floor. Books stacked high around the room, papers and pencils sticking out, pages torn out or scribbled over with notes. She didn’t remember a time since the dang ship crashed here that she had ever gotten through the ever widening stack of documents and forms that always found their way to her office. She had given up wearing full combat armor a while ago, to blazes with looking official, it was hard enough shifting through the sea of official documents – let alone doing it while clunking around in god knows how much metal. A knock on the door took her mind off of the latest report on Wolver nesting sites – what a wonderful topic – and she quickly told whoever it was to leave. “It is Harm” the visitor replied in a flat, official voice, “He has brought the fallen Knight that you were told about,” “Fallen Knight, I have that somewhere – just send them in Xanatos” She shuffled papers franticly as she tried to find the pile where she kept all the medical records. The door opened, and Harm walked in with his newest patient. She watched as the knight quickly scanned the room, giving a deep sigh of relief as he shakily sat down in a chair. “Hello there-“she quickly shifted some papers aside as she peered at his medical reports “-Goile. The doc here says you were walking dead, care to shed some light on what happened?” “I... I don’t want to seem like insubordinate but… who are you?” he listened to her chuckle as a thin smile appeared on her unarmored face. “I am the head of all the operations on Cradle. The namesake of the Spiral order’s military arm’s flag vessel and only occupant of the paper tomb you are now sitting in. My name is Skylark.”
You look like you've got a good start going on, and you've cut the section at a nice place to leave some tension.
My main critique would be that your work would be easier to read if you spaced your paragraphs out a bit ... start a new one when you have a different speaker or change ideas. Big blocks of text are hard to follow and easy to get lost in.