Google Docs said it doesn't exist.

have you lied to us

Got through the first page and then noticed how it was changing to present tense after the divider line. Looks pretty good though!

They call me... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcCMtL5AxDA

Not a bad effort Mejez. I can't provide very much constructive feedback, sorry. Teaching was never my strong point and my brain is a little fuzzy.

Well, I'll see what I can say.

Further into your story, it sounded more like stuff was going around Greenhorn then her actually doing anything. Also, try to detail events more. Detail adds realism, but leave enough vagueness for the reader's imagination to work with it.

I'd have had more of a longer plotline to write on, but don't take it personally, my writing tends to be longer and be more action based. If short and sweet was how you intended it, I'd say you did pretty well.

Well, the main points of advice you're looking for is:

-Detail:
Add more detail into events, objects and moves. For example, on a totally-unrelated-to-your-story scenario, do not simple say:

"She looked up, and the zombie hissed. Screaming, she shot it in the face several times before running away."

Say: "She looked up, just in time to have zombie spittle sprayed all over her face as it hissed at her. Screaming in terror, she emptied a clip of her gun into said zombie's face, before scrambling to her feet and running in the opposite direction."

This applies to most other movements. Instead of 'dodge', expand on how she dodged. Ducked, sidestepped, scrambled, leaned back, dodge-rolled, flipped over etc.

-Plot:
I can't really complain about the plotline. It looks to me as if this was designed to be a simple event adventure, not a full-on adventure.

So don't worry too much about size.

-Language:
Don't stick to the same basic words/sentence structure. Vary it more, and be careful of your phrasing. (Watch word tense too)

"...Greenhorn simply staggers to her feet and takes flight down a flight of stairs away from the Toxigel."

This would have worked better as:

"Greenhorn saw it coming towards her and quickly staggered to her feet, before racing down a flight of stairs to avoid contact with another Toxigel."

Picking it apart:
'Simply' implies a slight casualness and lack of enthusiasm or emotion at all. Green was supposed to be frightened and somewhat desperate, so there was no way she'd 'simply' do something, let alone stagger to her feet. (staggers is present tense. Try and keep the tense constant. Consciously check for it. I used to make the same mistake, and probably still do.)

Avoid double verbs. They sound a bit awkward, even if one isn't a verb. "Took flight down a flight of stairs."

The "..." was unnecessary. They are normally used in an anticipative pause, a longer pause or as a continual action. "He just kept talking and talking and talking...doesn't he ever stop talking?"

That's all I got for now. It'd be good for experience if you take what pointers you're given and go through searching for the relevant material yourself. It helps you to correct these mistakes subconsciously and build your writing style to be more fluid instead of writing something, then having to check back for things you did wrong/could have done better all the time.

Just practice a bit. You'll get the hang of it if you do.

Just remembered something.

I haven't read your new edits yet, but I just remembered another pointer.

-Dialogue.
Add some form of speech or indication of speech in some areas.
Green is supposed to be pretty jumpy, so do something like: "She let out a high pitch "Eep!" as she turned around a corner and and saw another zombie directly infront of her."

Or like her freefall scene. I highly doubt someone like her would fall silently while screaming "I'm gonna die!!" in her head. (Sorry I sound so uppity there) Try for adding something like "as she hurtled through the air, screaming all the way, only one thought was running through her mind:"

That's all I got. Don't take harder areas of my criticism too hard. I'm no pro, and I certainly have no right to teach. But do what you can and work at it and you'll probably help yourself.