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wanna read a story? pt.1 of 'The Arena' (pls leave some constructive crit. :)

3 replies [Last post]
Sun, 05/06/2012 - 10:33
Insanejesterking's picture
Insanejesterking

The gears hummed and whirred as we made our descent. The previous floor was rough, but we managed to make it through without too many problems. As we waited for the elevator to reach the next floor, we chatted about this and that. The prices of Energy, the merits of different gear sets, Monster attack patterns. Small talk. A guildie of mine asked me if i would join him in a game of lockdown after the clockworks run. I told him that i would. the elevator hissed to a stop, the doors opened and we stepped out. I stopped a moment to survey our surroundings. High stone walls, flaming lanterns and long red carpets. Past a tall metal gate was a large walled off coartyard with a switch in the middle. We had stumbled upon an Arena. Wonderfull.
"Well. This should be fun." Remarked one of my fellow partymembers. He was a rash one, very prone to hasty actions. In battle he fought like a berserker, rushing into the middle of the fray and never backing down, no matter how mighty the enemy. We redied ourselves for battle, lowered the gate, and stepped onto the switch that activated the Arena. Immidiately, medium sized purple creatures appeared and hurled strangely shaped objects at us. I blocked some with my shield, and dodged others. I chanced a quick glance at two of the objects thrown at me. A small television, and a desk chair. We were facing Devilites. As i looked up, one was rushing towards me. I knocked it onto the cold stone floor with a viscious blow from my shield. The blow tore a nasty gash in its head, and it was thrashing pain. Feeling mercifull, i put it out of its misery. As i whirled around to face my next enemy, i spotted our resident berserker taking on four Feinds at once! They scored many hits on him, but with one mighty swing of his blade, he felled them all. As the Feinds fell, A living stone monolith materialized behind him. He turned just in time to see a massive sword speeding towards him. He attempted to block the destructive blow, but was too late. The mountain of stone connected squarely with his chest, and he was thrown like a rag doll against the far wall of the Arena. He slid to the ground, and did not rise. As the Dark Trojan turned to face me, i cursed under my breath. With a mighty roar, i rushed to face it.

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Soo.....how was it? this was my first attempt at a spiral knights story, and i am eager to hear what you all think. Also, the 2nd part will be writtin and posted soon.
-InsaneJesterKing

Sun, 05/06/2012 - 10:39
#1
Softhead's picture
Softhead
MY EYES!

Too blocky!

Y U NO USE PARAGRAPHS!?

Some grammar proplems, stroy though is okay. Try and lengthen it, feels too short.

On a related note, what the Pit Boss will think seeing this carnage: http://media.spiralknights.com/wiki-images/b/b0/Messagefromdbawss.jpg

Sun, 05/06/2012 - 17:10
#2
Murderbot's picture
Murderbot
Build it up

If I were you, I would do a little prologue to introduce the story, like where are you? Why are you down there? What are you looking for? stuff like that. and just flip through a book and see how they set up the building emotion in the paragraphs to see when they split it up.
Im not going to lie, i want more, but take your time and put more description in it, like paint a picture with words. What do you see? how does it look? what are the peoples feeling of where their at?
But by no means am I a story writer or teller, but something to think on, ask yourself questions of what the readers would think.

Mon, 05/07/2012 - 11:24
#3
Angelic-Tear's picture
Angelic-Tear
nice. i like it but..

Paragraphs, longer and stuff like that.

yeah, those two said it really. sounds a very interesting story.
hope you make more.

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