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Fan Fic: Spirits go into the core! (PT. 1)

2 replies [Last post]
Fri, 06/01/2012 - 19:12
Collgeta's picture
Collgeta

One day, 4 guild members of "The Spiral Spirits" got done from beating Vanaduke and enter to the core.

One knight, Collgeta, bursts out and says, "I wanna go down there! someone throw me a curse vial!". And knight Theo drops a curse vial and takes a step back towards Valkar and Mario. Collgeta picks up the vials, and throws it at the core. Valkar breaks the silence and says, "Did anything happen?". Collgeta replies with a simple "Shhh! I can hear something...". The gang slows down and stops talking, and Collgeta listens closely, she hears screaming from lost knights that also traveled into the core. Collgeta says "I cracked open the core with the curse vial!". Mario replies, "Wow, I did't think a simple curse vial could do such damage". Collgeta says, "I hear....screaming, and a deep wind....I wonder if thats.....the swarm.....". Theo bursts out and said, "No, I read in the last patch note that it said the swarm was just a Spiral Myth.". And Collgeta replies, "Well, I want to find out my self!" And takes a leap into the depths of the swarm. Mario says, "Do you think we should follow?", and Valkar says, "I guess, though I was saving up my energy for a Shadow lair.". And Theo replies and says, "What's more important? Saving your friend, or defeating a stupid shadow lair that everyone knows exists?". And they all follow behind her.

Want to find out more? I'll write PT. 2 when I can. You know what they say, bit by bit, is the best bitten story!

Fri, 06/01/2012 - 19:24
#1
Supermetalmario's picture
Supermetalmario
Sweet!

So I love this, but the conversations could be seperated by spaces. Its murder on my eyes trained to find English errors. Also, it was too good. Make PT. 2 longer!!! I can't be left with something so nice and yet so short! So it gets an 8/10 on my scale. So longer, and spaces between convo's. Other than that, sweet Collgeta! I really like it!

Example:
"Hey Collgeta"

"Hey Mario"

"How's life, Collgeta?"

"Pretty good."

Fri, 06/01/2012 - 20:12
#2
Hexlash's picture
Hexlash
Amazin Job!!

The Story is HILARIOUS! How it combines slight hints of 4th wall breaking at the same time as thorough plot, besides what super said, I suggest adding detail to your story to extend it, What do the knights look like? Was there anything Special about the Curse Vial? Is there anything special about how the core broke open? Use details to add some buff to your story, otherwise it is incredible, I can't wait to find out what exciting things happen in the Core! And try going back to edit your writing to make it a better masterpiece!

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