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[Fanfic] Euclid's Tale: Chronicles of the Alpha Squad (Chapter 3 OUT!)

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Sat, 06/30/2012 - 22:03
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox

Chapter 1

I sat back, sighing in content as I settled into a chair. Closing my eyes, I let my limbs go slack, feeling my stiff muscles slowly loosen up. Reaching for my drink on the table in front of me, I grab for a hailstone, pressing it on my forehead. The coolness was chilling, and it helped me relax.

Dropping the hailstone in my drink, I raised the cup to my lips, ready to relax and savor the taste of a blend of Ecto Drops, Gel Drops, and Frost Gels, when the front doorbell suddenly rang. Startled, I sloshed part of my drink down my coat. I cursed, and hurried to clean it up. The doorbell rang again, this time louder. “All right, all right, I’m coming,” I grumbled. Wiping the purple-colored stain off of my newly-bought Skolver Coat as best as I could, I hurried to the front door. Upon opening it, I saw a young female knight standing there.

“Captain Euclid, sir, HQ needs you immediately, sir, if not sooner, sir.” Dressed in Silvermail with a light, blue-colored canteen hanging at her waist, and a Miracle hood loosely covering her face, she looked like the average knight. I studied her intently, noting her bright, blue eyes, and the recon pack she carried on her back. She carried a sizzling-hot Alchemer stuffed in a fire-proof holster, and in a sheath on her back, an upgraded version of one of the standard-issue equipment swords the Order gave to every recruit. The blade gleamed in the dim light, reflecting off the metal surface.

I raised an eyebrow at the young recruit. “And what’s your name, eh?” The recruit blushed madly, and turned away, but answered in a quiet voice. “Parma, sir. Newly graduated from the academy, sir.” Her recon pack spoke for itself, indicating she had excelled in Recon Class. I smiled. For some reason, it was always the recons were so shy. The strikers were bold and reckless, always looking for a fight, while most of the guardians were the strong/silent type.

“And what’s it this time? They need someone to get rid of the monster under their bed?” Parma blushed again, but stood her ground. “No, sir, they’re calling a meeting for all members of the Spiral Order, sir.”

I sighed, looking at the still-visible stain on my not-so-shiny-anymore white, gleaming coat. It had been plenty expensive when I had bought it from a Stranger last week, and now it was ruined. I sighed. Perhaps Rulen would know how to get rid of it. Funny how a mechanic also knew how to efficiently wash your clothes.

“Just when I get to finally relax…alright then, I’ll be there soon. Here, take this for your services.” I fumbled for my money pouch, and tossed several bronze and silver coins. Upon catching them in her palms, she gave me a surprised glance. Blushing once again, she quickly said, “Thank you, sir, you’re welcome, sir,” and took off. Glancing once more at the treacherous drink that had ruined my armor sitting innocently on my tabletop, I set off for HQ.
~~~
When I arrived there, two guards dressed in the regular; a horsey thingy costume on the head that I thought looked stupid, and a big, bulky piece of armor that I thought made them fat; saw me, and asked for my ID. Pulling out my identification card, I showed one of them my current status; Captain Euclid, Leader of the Alpha Squad. The guard widened his eyes at the word Euclid on my ID card. Apparently, I was a well-known figure among my fellow knights. He whispered to his partner, and the other guard dashed into the building, but not before saluting to me. I presumed that he had went ahead to alert the others that I was here.

The other guard opened the door for me, saluting as well. “Thank you sir, this way, sir…” Walking for what seemed like forever in a maze of hallways and offices, our footsteps rang clearly against the marble floor, making an echoing sound in the hallways. I was finally led to a massive set of polished, wooden doors. Two more guards stood at the doors, but upon seeing me, they saluted, and held the doors open for me.

Inside was a lightly lit room, with a long wooden table made of Driftwood in the center. A massive dome was raised high above our heads. Most of the room was already full, and seeing that I was one of the last to come, I quickly sat down in one of the vacant chairs in the back. I scanned the room and saw my squad mates Grantz and Rulen sitting together near the front. I gave them a quick nod, and they, noticing me too, also gave me a salute.

“Ahem,” a voice rang from the front of the room. I looked up, and saw General Barrus, rumored to be and the real founder and leader of the Order. He winked at me before he continued. “I’d like to have a word with you all. First off, I’d like to thank you all for coming to this meeting. We are still building the foundation of our home here on Cradle, and part of our thanks goes to the Strangers. They have selflessly helped us make our place here on Cradle, and we will forever be in their debt.” He nodded toward two of the tall, mysterious figures in the back of the room. A smattering of applause rang across the room, and the Strangers acknowledged us.

“Thank you. Next off the agenda, we…” Barrus’ voice was lost to me, as I surveyed the rest of the knights that had gathered with us here. On Barrus’ left was his most trusted officer, Captain Ozlo. Ozlo was a more well-known member of the Order, and was sometimes mistaken to be the leader of the Order. On Ozlo’s other side was Lieutenant Feron, his own personal advisor, a high-ranking and highly respected officer.

On Barrus’ right was Quartermaster Kozma, a popular knight who sold gear, weapons, and special upgrades to knights. The list of knights went on and on, and I scanned the room looking for other knights I knew. Brinks, token trader. Desna, leader of the Recon Rangers, a small group of elite recons. Rhendon, “Rescue Agent”, whose job is to rescue knights who have not yet made it to Haven after the crash. Biscotti, head cook on the Skylark. Next to Biscotti, sat a young female knight, not unlike Parma, and for some reason, I felt drawn to her. Not because she was pretty...she was okay looking, but it was something else...something I couldn't put my finger on.

Leaning over to the guy sitting next to me, I asked, “Who’s that sitting over there called?” I pointed over to her with my finger, watching as she fiddled with a small, shiny thing under the table.

The guy next to me raised an eyebrow. “Her? Kora? She’s the newly appointed Intel Agent. She just graduated. Top of the class, I heard. She used to learn to be a Recon, but she gave up.” I pondered on that thought. Intel Agent, eh? Ditched Recon Class for the life of sitting in an office. Ugh. Couldn’t imagine that. But, maybe she knew what happened...

After the meeting, I sought after her, but before I could get to her, Barrus blocked my way. “A word, if you don’t mind?” Truthfully, I wanted to shove him out of the way and hurry before I lost her, but, you don’t exactly go doing that kind of thing to someone who could have you executed in just like that. Before I could go, though, Rulen and Grantz arrived. They looked at me questionably, first looking at me, then at Barrus. “Later guys. Oh, and Rulen, could you wash this for me?” I took off my Skolver Coat and donned a Volcanic Plate Mail. With my Chaos Cowl on my head, I looked somewhat ridiculous, but, I would only be wearing this temporarily. I didn’t like wearing my Plate Mail in public, mostly because I didn’t have anything to match it, but, also because it was always so hot and stuff whenever I wore it. Or maybe that was me burning up with embarrassment.

Rulen looked taken aback, but accepted the coat. “Uh, sure, whatever you say, boss.” Saluting, they left. Looking back as they left, I swear I saw Grantz smile, which was pretty much a miracle in my standards. Rulen was shaking his head at the purple stain on my coat, and I was pretty sure I heard something along the lines of “personal servant,” and “unpaid services.” That’s the Rulen I know.

Regretfully, I turned toward him. “What, sir?” Barrus beckoned to me, and led me out a back door. I realized I had never seen it before, and that it was probably concealed during meetings. Walking past the door, I found myself in a spacious room, with a refrigerator in the corner, plenty of sofas, a big, wooden table in the middle of the room, a big-screen monitor TV, a bunch of electronic gadgets, and a small working desk in the back. To the sides, led to a bathroom, and a bedroom. I realized that this must be General Barrus’ personal quarters. I never knew he lived at HQ itself, though.

Barrus walked over to one of the soft, comfy chairs, and sat back, sighing. After a couple minutes of standing in the same spot awkwardly, he still hadn’t opened his eyes again. I checked for his pulse. Strong and healthy. Then what’s wrong? I slap him a few times, before it dawns on me. He fell asleep.

Sighing, I go to the bathroom and fill a nearby bucket with cold water. I walk back into the main room, the water inside the bucket sloshing around. Bracing myself for impact, I poured the water on his face, and dashed behind a sofa.

Instantly, Barrus was up, blade in hand, making blind sword strokes as he spluttered in the water. “What’s this?! Who did this?!”

I stepped out from behind the sofa. “I did, sir. Sorry, sir, but it seemed the appropriate thing to do after you took your, err, nap, sir.”

“Nap?” Barrus looked down at his soaking armor. “Ah well, thank you for waking me. And what were you doing hiding behind that sofa?”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “There were certain…rumors, I should say, sir, and I thought it best to take a precaution, sir. Looks like I was right, sir.”

It was Barrus’ turn to raise an eyebrow. “Rumors? Maybe It IS time to have a change of employees…rumors…humph, spying on their leader more like it...”

I braced myself for quite a lecture for pouring water on him, maybe even a demotion, but, instead of being angry, he seemed quite wary. He sat down again, and when he saw that I was still standing still, he beckoned for me to sit down in the chair opposite him. “Please! Make yourself at home. It isn’t often I get visitors, if not my own officers.”

I smiled, glad of his apparent friendliness, and sat down. Barrus gestured toward the refrigerator. “Want anything? Drink? Water?” I nodded. My Plate Mail was, in no time, making me sweat.

Barrus got up and reappeared seconds later, carrying a tall glass of cool water. I accepted it gratefully, subconsciously waving a hand at my face.

He sat down again, groaning in pleasure. He looked up at me, smiling. “It seems age has finally taken its toll on me. Shame. I always liked going adventuring with my friends. Now, while they still can, I’m confined to the limits of my own chamber, forever doomed to die with never-ending piles of paperwork.” I’m sure he meant this as a joke, but it seemed pretty morbid to me. To never see or hear outside your own house…it gave me the shivers just to think about it. I suppose it came from my knack for exploring. It would never do to lock me up. I’d just keep breaking out; to find that freedom I never had enough of.

“I’m sure you’re fine sir…after crashing on this new planet, I’m sure you’ll get to do plenty of exploring, sir.” I chose my words carefully, not wanting to upset the General. That wouldn’t do.

Barrus smiled gladly at my words. “Now, that’s why I like you on my team. Always the optimistic one, you are.”
A minute of silence. “Sir...” I cleared my throat, not wanting to start coughing mid-sentence, “what was it you wanted to tell me, sir?” Barrus looked as if he had forgotten something, and was trying to retrieve the memory, when a dawning expression broke over his face. “Ah, yes. Right. See, it’s getting to my memory too…wish I could fight it.”

Not sure of what he said, I asked, “Fight what, sir?” Barrus looked up at me, and gave me a look I would never, ever, forget; a look of desperation, pity, fear, helplessness. “Fight age. Fight it so that I could breath love, fear, curiosity, freedom once again…fight it so that I wouldn’t be confined to this stupid prison of a room they call a home. Huh. Home sweet home, indeed…” Barrus talked in a bitter, surly tone. My water sat untouched on the coffee table. The room had suddenly felt like it had been filled to the brim with Hailstones, the way Barrus was talking.

He cleared his throat. “Ahem. Anyway. Yes, yes. You do still need to recruit someone for that empty spot on your team, don’t you?”
Memories. I didn’t like them, especially when they sucked you into them. Like now.

One minute I was sitting in Barrus’ room, the next, I was back. Back to the horror and blood and death. Oh, so much death.

I saw Arnza. He was fighting a pair of bat-like creatures, who were slowing overcoming him. While he slashed at one of the monsters, the other one breathed something into his face, a sickly, green mist. Arnza fell over, vomiting onto the ground. As I watched, a crowd of massive horse-men, small, devil creatures, and the bat-like monsters came over to him, each one continually hitting him, again, and again. When the crowd dispersed, and two wolf-like monsters came and dragged him away with their teeth, I saw Arnza, bloody and beaten. He surely couldn’t see me, but, for a moment, I thought I saw his mouth move, mouthing the word go.

“NOOO!!” I screamed. I sprinted over to Arnza, but no matter how fast I ran, the wolf creatures seemed to be dragging him even faster. Soon, Arnza was so far away, I couldn’t see him anymore. I ran, and I ran, but, I eventually couldn’t run anymore. Breathing heavily while holding a stitch in my side, I breathed, “No. So close…so close…” Regaining my breath, I shouted, “ARNZA!!ARNZA!!” over and over again. But, soon, a strange darkness engulfed me, wrapping me into what seemed to be a thick, moving substance. It seemed to continually grow around me, and slow me down, so that in a matter of seconds, I was breathing hard and had fallen to the ground. This was definitely not part of one of my memories.

Not yet, nasty little knight. The time has not yet come.Getting to my feet, I shouted, “What’ve you done with him, you?! Don’t you dare hurt him!! Come and fight me like a man!!”

The darkness was slowly subsiding, leaving me weak and disorientated. Ah, but, you see, I am not a man. I am something man will learn to fear, and, in time, serve.

“Come here…you…what’ve…you done…with Arnza…” Inch by inch I was weighed down to the ground, until I could barely breathe. Slowly closing my eyes, I could swear I heard a cold, wicked laughter as I eased back into sub-consciousness. Arnza…

Suddenly, I gasped. I doubled over as I regained my vision, falling out of my chair. For a couple seconds, I remained on the ground, breathing heavily.

“Euclid? Euclid!” Barrus quickly ran over to me, propping me up against the table. "Are you all right? You seemed to go into some kind of trance for a couple seconds, and I could literally see your sweat coming off of you. Then you fell off your chair.”

Groaning, I pushed his arm away. “I’m fine, I’m fine, sir,” I say, even though I know I’m not. If a vision like that occurred during combat…

Barrus doesn’t look convinced, but, he can tell I don’t want to talk about it. “Very well. As I was saying, have you chosen someone for that empty spot on your team? It can’t stay empty forever, you know, especially since it’s my elite squad. I need it always good and ready.”

Taking a deep breath, I reply, “Actually, I do have someone in mind, sir. I’ll just to ask her first, and then you’ll have to approve, sir.” Barrus smiles. “Good. I’m sure this is hard for you, especially since Arnza, but, we can’t afford to be weak. See me tomorrow. Dismissed.”

Saluting, I walk out of Barrus’ room, a feeling of dread gnawing its way into my mind as I thought about the vision I just had. And I also had the feeling that something; an evil, sinister…entity, had just talked to me. And it probably wasn’t looking for lunch arrangements.

So...what'dya thing? Good? Bad? Remember, comments and criticsm!

Sun, 07/01/2012 - 12:42
#1
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
... Anyone?

...

Anyone?

Sun, 07/01/2012 - 17:22
#2
Isisdelltion's picture
Isisdelltion
Me likey.

Everyone's just awed by how awesome this is....duncha worry.

Sun, 07/01/2012 - 22:32
#3
Frostrex's picture
Frostrex
Too many of these...

I don't kow whihch to believe, Necro's, yours or that other person who wrote about Alpha Squad.

Sun, 07/01/2012 - 22:39
#4
Nechrome's picture
Nechrome
._. NUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! I was

._.

NUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! I was gonna write a story about these guys! I had everything planned out! EVERYTHING! THe characters, the plot, the details, important events, all of that! All I needed was to type it! D:

Sun, 07/01/2012 - 22:46
#5
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
Shadownox waves and stabs you in the face.

I wanted contructive criticsm and comments. Me dissapoint.

Mon, 07/02/2012 - 04:45
#6
Kanoka's picture
Kanoka
Very well done!

Shadownox, if you're looking for constructive criticism...well, let's just say that I am happy to oblige! :)

Overall, this was very well written. I like how the story is taken from Euclid's pov, as it definitely puts his style into action. I think that you accurately portray the actions and responses that each of the characters would have, and that's definitely a bonus.

Hm. To be perfectly honest, I'm sitting here trying to find faults to tell you of, just because I know that a writer is always looking for that "constructive criticism" (it's what we always strive for, I suppose, heh) ...however, I can sincerely say this is very well written. You also happen to play off of a similar style of an author I like, Aaron Allston, and so I very much enjoyed reading this. Besides a few grammatical errors, it was overall good in that spectrum.

Oh! I do have one comment: I really appreciated how you made the SK terms very subtle and natural, and very relatable to boot. I dislike fan-fiction that almost has to scream out a term from the world and makes the whole story just uncomfortable in terms of read, and when you mentioned aspects of the SK world in the story, they felt natural and as if they belonged there. I truly appreciated that, as I wasn't expecting it at all to feel so...nice.

Maybe I'll find some more things as you continue...otherwise, I hope this helps! ^_^

Mon, 07/02/2012 - 16:21
#7
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
Shadownox waves and stabs you in the face.

Ha! Thanks for the comments, Kanoka! I appreciate it!

Expect Chapter 2 by Tuesday or Wednesday.

Tue, 07/03/2012 - 00:03
#8
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
Shadownox waves and stabs you in the face.

Bump, blamp, blimp.

Wed, 07/04/2012 - 18:43
#9
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEAD BUNNY!!!

Sorry guys, I'm having writers block. Plus, I'm going to see fireworks tonight. July 4th and all. So expect the chapter on Thursday, Friday latest.

Fri, 07/06/2012 - 07:51
#10
Incineron's picture
Incineron
>insert random crap,

Awesome. MOAR.

Sat, 07/07/2012 - 11:24
#11
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEAD BUNNY!!!

YAYZ. ME DONE.

Chapter 2

“Euclid, you have got to be more careful! One little slip like that, and BAM! 5 gallons of detergent down the drain! You’re lucky I got that stain out after all!”

It was the day after my meeting with Barrus, and Rulen had finished getting the stain out of my coat after numerous tries, some of which included explosions and snapping Wolvers (long story). I was on my way to see Feron in the Arcade, when I had stumbled upon Rulen, who had been looking for me.

Mumbling, I said, “Ok, ok, I get the point. Just gimme my coat.” Rulen was still complaining as I put on my coat, saying how expensive I was. He started to get to my nerves, so I decided to toss him a few coins. “There, happy now? You can buy as much detergent as you want with that, by the way.”

Rulen raised an eyebrow at me, but instead of commenting, he decided to keep quiet. Pocketing the coins, he proceeded to give me the evil eye before heading to the Auction House.

I sighed. Rulen could be quite annoying sometimes. I walked to the Bazaar, counting number of stairs as I went. One, two, three, four, five, six, sev-

I looked down at my feet, where a shiny piece of metal was sticking out of the ground. I crouched down, and picked it up. It seemed to be some sort of badge.

The crest was gray, with a red stripe running diagonally through it, with a white horse on the red strip. The horse was the mascot of the Order. I inspected the crest closer, and saw that it was a Vanguard Crest, awarded to those who had achieved something of great honor. It still had a shiny look to it, as if it had recently been awarded.

I pocketed it, not sure what to do with it. I had gotten mine when I was only 19. That was during the Liberation of Ilsola, when I had saved an entire squad of men from enemy fire. I had been shot in the arm, and had almost died myself from blood loss. I still had my Vanguard Crest, although it was a bit dented and scratched.

I reached the Bazaar, greeted by a couple Strangers. I’ll never understand how they can stoop down and go under doorways that were shorter than an average knight’s height. “Hello,” I said, as I passed them. They bowed down to me, speaking to me in a foreign language. Another mystery I’ll never figure out.

I recognized them as Ricasso and Quillion, the weapons merchants. Ricasso made rapid hand motions at me, like he was trying to communicate. I think part of those hand motions included a handgun banging, and Quillion, who was helping out, fell to the floor, in apparent distress. Then he jumped up and laughed. “Err, no thanks…” I walked past them, to a crafting machine.

The crafting machine was a simple and basic device, that, when deposited with the right amount of materials and energy, upgraded a piece of your gear. The problem was, you had to have a recipe of that certain upgrade, and, you had to pay for it.

I deposited my Shadow Driver, my prized weapon, into the slot. I was lucky to find the recipe of the upgraded and final version of this particular weapon line, the Umbra Driver, from my friend, who also gave it to me at a discount. I then proceeded to pour in a mound of materials, which, I then double checked on my recipe list. Dropping a clump of raw, crystal energy into the slot, I finally dumped in a sack of crowns, at which the machine activated.

I patiently waited for it, and when a ‘ding’ sounded, I excitedly opened the slot, my new shiny weapon popping out. I studied it, looking at the extra two side tanks, from which shadow energy was stored, and the extra big barrel. Grinning, I was about to walk away, when the screen flashed, saying, “Unique Variant Acquired!” I widened my eyes, looking at the screen for more information, when the same message flashed again. And again.

I looked down at my gun in renewed awe. I took out a scanner from my backpack, using it to survey my new weapon. When it was done, it showed the three UVs that I had gotten; Charge Time Reduction Medium…Undead Very High…Fiend low.

I sighed, stuffing my gun into my pack. Maybe another day. I turned around, and was heading for the Arcade, when someone bumped into me from behind.

“Oof!” I fell to the floor, hitting my head on the ground. I turned around, to see a young, female knight scrabbling around on the floor. “Oh, I’m SO sorry, I was just looking for something, really, I’m sorry, I just…” the knight looked up at me, eyes wide. “Is that…is that Captain Euclid? Sir?” I picked myself up, dusting off my Skolver Coat. “Indeed it is. And you must be Intel Agent Kora. Nice to meet you.” I stuck my hand out, and Kora took it. For a moment, we shook. Then I pulled my hand away.

“Looking for this?” I took out the Vanguard Crest that I had found. Kora gasped. “Wow! Thank you, sir! Where’d you find it, sir?” she asked as she pinned it onto her Drake Mail Scale. “It was down by the stairs,” I replied, “I was lucky to see it.”

“Well, anyway, thanks, sir.” She began to walk away, but I pulled her back. “Wait! I need to ask you something.” Kora looked up at me. “Yes, sir?”
“You’re Intel Agent, right? So that must mean you’re always updated with the latest news, am I correct?” Kora nodded. “I was wondering…have you had any word…of Captain Arnza?”

Kora raised an eyebrow. “Arnza, sir? You mean, Arnza, the guy who led the war against the Morai, sir?” I nodded my head. “Nope. Haven’t had a word of him since I was assigned as new Intel Agent, sir. I’m sorry, sir.” I sighed. “Oh well. Thank you for your time. By the way, do you happen to know Parma? She’s a Recon. She just graduated, so I thought you might know her.”

Kora smiled. “Parma, sir? Oh, yes, I know her alright! She was my best friend during Recon training, sir.” “Was?” I asked. “Oh, well, you know, being a Recon didn’t really fit me, see, so I quit, and joined Intel training.”

“Alright then. See you next time, Kora.” I waved to her, and entered the Arcade. When I entered, I was greeted by a dimly lit room. Well, room doesn’t really do it justice. It was more of a massive cave. It was knight-made, dug from under the surface. It stretched from the Town Square all the way to the Bazaar. Inside were 8 gates, 4 dormant, 4 active. Knights can venture into active gates, where there are a total of 29 depths, including rest points and terminals. The dormant gates are not accessible, but after 2 days, the gate at the farthest left disappears and the dormant gate on the farthest left becomes the new gate. It’s kind of like a cycle. Some levels in the dormant gates are predetermined, while others are determined by the minerals that knights drop into them.

I walked over to Feron, who was stationed over by the crafting machine. He was helping a couple of new recruits work it out. One of them tediously emptied part of his Mist Energy Tank that regenerated over the course of about a day into the machine. He then dropped in a bagful of crowns, and the machine woke up. Seconds later, the upgraded version came out. The knight grabbed it in delight, high-fiving his friends.

The knights leaved, leaving Feron as I advanced. When I reached him, he waved to me. I saluted. “Hello, Feron. Anything new today?” Feron sighed. “Nope. I’ve been stuck here since Day 1 on Cradle helping the noobs with the Arcade.” I snorted. “Noobs?” Feron shrugged. “Short for newbie.”

We talked for a couple more minutes, but when another new recruit (or noob, I should say), was banging the buttons on one of the elevators, Feron had to go. I waved him goodbye, and headed for HQ.

When I reached there, the same two guards as before greeted me. “Hullo. I’d like to see General Barrus, please.” One of the guards said, “This way sir,” and pushed the doors open for me. He led me to a small, wooden door. I peeked inside. It certainly didn’t look like the room I had been in before. In fact, it looked like a broom closet. “You sure Barrus asked you to lead me to this particular door?” The guard shrugged. “He told me himself, sir.” Sighing, I tossed him a couple coins, mumbling, “Don’t tell that other guy…” The guard saluted and hastily hurried away. I opened the door. Inside was a room that I did not recognize. It held brooms, barrels of paint, tools, boards of wood, that kind of thing.

Curious, I moved aside the brooms and tools to find another door, this one only as high as my waist. A secret passage, I suppose. I tested the knob. Locked. I bit my bottom lip. I hated doing this kind of thing, but I never mastered the art of picking a lock. I took out my Mega Magnus, and, squeezing shut the ear closest to the doorknob as hard as I could with one hand, I used to other to blast open the door. BOOM. That set my ears ringing.

Pushing open the now pulverized door, I crouched, and rolled through. Inside was a massive room, with seemingly bare metal walls. I tried shooting it with my remaining bullet. Not even a dent. Must be made of Primal Ore. Expensive material, it is. Two and a half grand for half a pound. Hard stuff, though, and plenty on Cradle.

Suddenly, the lights I had not seen blazed to life. The scenario changed. I was now suddenly in a Wolver Den. Uh oh. A pack of at least a dozen wolvers leaped up from nowhere. Instincts took over, my brain not registering that this should not be here, and that I had been standing in a room made of pure Primal Ore seconds ago.

Whipping out my Fearless Rigadoon, I began a Dance of Death as I weaved in and out of the enemy, ducking and slicing under their bellies, kicking them and stabbing, stomping on them and plunging my sword into their head to the hilt. A wolver lunged, fangs bared, to be met by a sword in the mouth. Ouch.

The scene changed. I was now in what looked like an abandoned town, with foggy air and signs that read things like “You’re fired, but come to work anyways!”, “Want a promotion? Never!”, “Come and get your tools at the Shadow Warehouse for a -500% discount! Sale ends in 50,000 years!”, and “The best pay there is! 1 crown a millennia! Come and work for Nitris Tools!” Devilites. It wouldn’t do to face them head-on.

Furniture and expensive computers flew in the air, charged with electricity, as a crowd of the little devils walked out from behind a gate. I ducked behind a wall, and charged my Mega Magnus. One of the Devilites ventured behind the wall, out of sight of his comrades. Bad choice. He did not meet the knight he was looking for. Instead, he met a barrel pointed at his face. “Hello,” I said. Seconds later, his comrades saw his body fly several yards, minus the face.

I rolled out from behind the wall, sniping another in the face. I ducked behind a fire hydrant, as super charged coffee mugs flew over my head. Slipping another clip into the cartridge and locking it into place, I placed another two well-placed shots at the monsters. No more promotions for you, Mister Devilite.

I flung a rock at them, hitting one of them on the head. While they ran around confused, I charged, brandishing my Rigadoon. Devilites flew in the air as I swished my blade back and forth, coming to terrify the one thing they knew as me. I saw the lead Pitt Boss near the back, giving out promotions and demotions and sipping his coffee. Perfect. Swinging my arm back, I threw my sword like a javelin, impaling it in the chest.

The Devilite stumbled onto a fire grate as it turned on, and he ran around panicking as his suit caught on fire. Yesman and Overtimers alike frantically ran around, trying to douse the fire. It looked like a flaming demon from Hell, like it wasn’t already. I ran over and picked up my Rigadoon.

The surrounding area changed once more. I was now in an arena. I recognized this as the third stage, because of the spikes protruding from the floor. I sheathed my Rigadoon, and lobbed a couple Voltaic Tempests at the Mecha Knights advancing on me. The bombs were courtesy of HQ, who had given me a batch for free, after finding an entire storeroom of the bombs. They exploded, and a noxious gas unfurled around the Mecha Knights’ ankles, the supercharged air causing malfunctions and explosions. Easy.

I leaned against a wall, regaining my breath. A brown blur dashed in front of me. I instinctively raised my Dragon Scale Shield just as a Gremlin Thwack Hammer materialized right in front of me, banging down on my shield. BAM. My arm trembled under the impact. I took out my Leviathan Blade and stabbed the Gremlin from under the shield. A dead weight fell onto my shield.

I wiped my forehead, feeling the cold sweat that had started to form. Killing monsters all day took its toll even on the most experienced fighters. Strangely enough, nothing happened even after the rest of the Mecha Knights shut down from my shock bombs. The gate did not open, instead retaining its dark red aura.

Suddenly, a voice sounded from the seemingly empty room. It crackled in the air. “Heh. Nice job there, Euclid.” I paused, waiting for the voice to appear again. “Barrus? Is that you? Where am I?” I heard a chuckle. “Oh, just one of my special training rooms. Special simulations and all. Makes the blows feel real. Most people don’t get past the Devilites. I wanted to see how you would do. By the way, did you have to blow the doorknob? There are other ways of getting past locked doors, you know.”

I could feel my face turning red, and I hoped the room didn’t have a camera. “I can see that,” Barrus said. It did.

The background changed once again to the original room with the walls made of Primal Ore. A hatch, which I had not seen before, opened up from the ceiling, and a ladder was extended. I gathered my weapons and pulled myself into the room above, which was another training room. Then another hatch opened up. I went through at least 5 of these, before I was Barrus pulled me into what I recognized as his living room.

I slumped onto a nearby sofa, breathing hard. “These…these are all…all underground?” I managed to ask. Barrus smiled. “Yup. They’re extended all over the HQ. We work fast.”

I dropped my equipment sack and all of my various pouches onto the table in front of me. “Well, then, that can’t possibly be good for my back. All that equipment does carry some weight, you know.”

Barrus laughed, his voice carrying around the room. “Well, then, would you like me to send for the medics? I hope you haven’t a permanent spine injury!” He laughed again, and this time I joined in. Sometimes, it was just nice to sit back and relax with a friend.

After a few more jokes, Barrus turned serious. “Alright then. Back to business. So, who is it that you had in mind?” I pursed my lip. It still pained me to admit Arnza was gone, but, I couldn’t pretend that he was still alive, somewhere.

“Her name is Parma, sir; she’s a Recon knight who had graduated recently from the Academy.” Barrus raised an eyebrow. “Any reason why you would like this particular graduate?”

I shrugged. “Not really, sir, it’s just a feeling I can’t shake…like instinct. Anyway, she seems qualified for it, and it’s been a while since we had a good Recon on our team, so...” I left my sentence hanging there. Barrus nodded thoughtfully. “I get that. In fact, Arnza told me when he chose you that it was total instinct. I wouldn’t be surprised if this Parma here turned out to be someone as great as you…”

I turned away, feeling my cheeks turn red again. Arnza never told me that. What other secrets did he keep from me…?

Barrus stood up. “Well, then, you got the okay from me. Ask her, and if she accepts, we’ll send her through the Grinder, see how she fares.” I nodded. Getting up as well, I saluted, and, exited his room. I walked through the various halls and rooms until I reached the front doorway, where the guards stood. They saluted, and I nodded back.

When I was at a suitable distance, away from where potential eavesdroppers could be hiding, I tried to patch through to Rulen and Grantz on my built-in radio installed in my Chaos Cowl. No response. I left them both a message; “Meet me at HQ tomorrow at 8. I’ve chosen our new member, and it’s time you guys met her.”

Sat, 07/07/2012 - 00:01
#12
Nechrome's picture
Nechrome
I don't need to give feedback cause I'm his brother.

1) "Snapping Wolvers."

2) "Noobs."

3) "Two and a half grand for half a pound[Of Primal Ore]."

Which of the above does not apply to Spiral Knights?

The answer is 3) "Two and a half grand for half a pound[of Primal Ore]"

You know why?

Gold is several grand for 1 OUNCE. Why does Primal Ore cost way less? Is it cause it's so plentiful?

:P

Sat, 07/07/2012 - 06:33
#13
Incineron's picture
Incineron
O.o

Lordofnecromancers you bettar help him do teh epic story faster so i wont go mad! D:<

Moar. Moaaar!

Sat, 07/07/2012 - 07:20
#14
Myqpalzm's picture
Myqpalzm
/clap

Great job! This is one of the best fanfic around here. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Moar. Moaaar! -Incineron

Sat, 07/07/2012 - 11:22
#15
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEAD BUNNY!!!

Thanks guys! I'll start working on Chapter 3 tonight. I can't be exact, but expect it to be out around Monday to Wednesday.

Mon, 07/09/2012 - 13:48
#16
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEAD BUNNY!!!

Blump blimp blamp. Chaper may be delayed. /sorry.

Mon, 07/09/2012 - 14:58
#17
Blitzhawk's picture
Blitzhawk
:D

I bet u didnt expect me to post here huh?

Anyway, gj so far on the story, doesnt seem like it repeats a lot and only a few grammar prblms here and there. Ill be watching u :3

Mon, 07/09/2012 - 22:03
#18
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEAD BUNNY!!!

Hullo, Blitz.

Nice to see you reading my storiez. :P

Sat, 07/14/2012 - 03:46
#19
Kanoka's picture
Kanoka
Nice chapter two!

Once again, Shadownox, excellent work! I appreciated how the detail of the battles was just enough to keep things intriguing, but not to the point where you were describing absolutely everything about the fight.

Also, I'm enjoying how you're not just describing one aspect of Alpha Squad - you're also giving a nice backstory to their history of relations with both the Spiral Order and themselves. So, overall, nicely done. :) Nothing really new to criticize with this last chapter, mostly just a few grammar type errors that are extremely subtle. ^_^

Sun, 07/15/2012 - 18:27
#20
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEAD BUNNY!!!

Thx Kanoka. I always have a bit of writers block when starting a new chapter, but I'm working. Don't you peoples worry. I won't let this story die. ;)

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 18:07
#21
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEAD BUNNY!!!

Blump. New chapter out tonight.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 18:20
#22
Generic-Bush's picture
Generic-Bush

BTW Shadownox and Necroman are brothers, GL bai.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 19:39
#23
Dreathuxy's picture
Dreathuxy
will there be character

will there be character submissions?

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 20:50
#24
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEAD BUNNY!!!

@Home-Grown-Hero

True. Nice name. :U

@Dreathuxy

Possibly later, but for now, no.

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 22:08
#25
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEAD BUNNY!!!

Shadownox cheers. Hooray!

Chapter 3

I paced back and forth across the room, my footsteps muffled by the Wolver skin carpet. It was a bright morning, and I could hear the Snipes outside chirping.

“Where are they…?” I muttered to myself. It was now 7:50 in the morning, and still no sign of my squad mates. Parma had arrived at around 7:45, and was now in one of the training rooms warming up. His squad mates, however, had not yet arrived, and I was starting to get worried. This part of recruiting was essential, and it was mandatory that squad members put off all appointments and such just to watch. This was part of the bonding part, as well as to see how well your new squad mate was. Too often, new members wouldn’t feel welcome, and would leave or resign.

I sighed, and sank down into a large, comfy sofa. Pacing around all day wouldn’t exactly help. Neither would wearing holes in the carpet.

Barrus suddenly appeared from the shadows. “They here yet?” Shaking my head, I said, “No. And, if they don’t come, then we can’t start Parma’s test, can we.” Barrus shook his head.

Just then, the door smashed open, and in came a panting Rulen and a heaving Grantz. Both immediately collapsed onto a nearby sofa, Grantz falling on top of Rulen. For a few moments, they stayed in that position. I was still sitting, shocked at their sudden appearance. Barrus wasn’t the least bit surprised, though. “There we go. See you soon, eh?” He winked, and walked through a door before Rulen and Grantz could see him.
Rulen suddenly gave a grunt and pushed Grantz off of him. “Next time, I’ll land on you, ‘kay?”

Grantz rolled onto the floor. “Yeah, whatever.” Then they both noticed me for the first time. “Sir!” they both shouted, saluting. They both stood in the position for several moments. Then they relaxed at my signal.

“Are we late?” Grantz asked uncomfortably. “Cause, if we are, it’s all Rulen’s fault for having to go back and grab his radio. He always forgets it.”

Rulen scowled. “Well, if you hadn’t had to lug that gigantic shield of yours around, we might have been able to walk around a bit faster than a crippled snipe!”

“Pssh. You should look at yourself in the mirror. I’ve always wondered when you’ll break your back with all that gear.”

“I’ve always wondered if my words would ever penetrate that thick skull of yours.”

“You mad bro? You wanna go? Cause, believe me, you do not wanna go where I’m going.”

“Ha! I’d just teleport you to some lonely place with a bunch cannibals. And lots of snipes. We know you hate them. Don’t deny it.”

Grant’s face reddened. “Yeah, right.”

“Mhmm, I’m right.”

“Ah, shut up.”

“Why?”

“Cause you’re getting annoying.” At this point, Grantz pulled out his massive Sudaruska.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Well, that coming from a guy scared of little furry balls, you’d understand my certainty.”

“Why, you little-”

“STOP!!” I yelled. I had been watching the entire argument with silent amusement, but things were starting to get a bit violent. Rulen had brains, but he had a big mouth too.

They both fell silent. “Sorry, sir, my bad, sir.” Grantz mumbled. “No, I provoked you, it’s mine.” Rulen said.

I waved my hand. “Whatever. Let’s go meet up with Parma before we get to watch her get beaten to pulp by the Grinder.”
~~~
"Well, that was nice,” Grantz said as Parma hurried away. “She’s nice, pretty, and really knows how to shut Rulen up. I could get used to this.”

“Shut up,” Rulen grumbled. Grantz smirked. As soon as Parma had said, ‘Why do you always lug around all that stuff?’ Rulen had seemed to have lost some of his dignity.

“Ah, I love this part,” Rulen sighed as he sank into a comfy sofa in front of the biggest screen. “Watching the recruits get smushed into an oil spot or turned into a fine, red mist.”

Grantz chuckled. “I still remember when you went through, Rulen. When was that, 20 years ago? Remember that, Euclid?”

I laughed. “Ah, now that was a spectacle to behold. That was a nice trick of yours, Rulen. Whoever knew that little Rulen, the knight who couldn’t wield a sword but could carry over 100 pounds of computer equipment, could rig the Grinder so that it was out of use for several months?”

Rulen blushed at that and turned away. He didn’t reply.
~~~
“Ladies and Gentlemen, let the…er…Grinder Games begin!” Barrus shouted. Looking from the screens, the Alpha Squad and Barrus could see that the gate had lowered, and that Parma was now stepping into a new, exotic level with bright colored leaves and plenty of trees and bushes.

Grantz stifled his laughter. “Grinder Games? That’s new.” Barrus shrugged. “Sounded right to me.”

As they continued to bicker over names and such, I was concentrated on Parma. The air seemed to be humid, as Parma was already sweating and taking sips from her canteen. She then proceeded to unsheathe her sword, which I now recognized as the Cold Iron Carver. Great for Undead, and an all-rounder sword.

“Wanna bet?” Rulen whispered to Grantz. Grantz snorted. “Sure. 50k crowns she gonna pass.” Rulen smirked. “Deal.”

Suddenly, a pack of at least 25 Wolvers plus 4 Silkwings and an Alpha Wolver in the lead popped out of the bushes. Everyone had stopped arguing and was now focused on the screens. There was a pause as Parma took in the situation. Then the carnage began.

Parma was obviously well-trained, as she immediately targeted the Silkwings, insect-like creatures that healed. She whipped out her blazing-hot Alchemer gun, and shot off a few rounds. The Silkwings fluttered around, helpless as they transformed from graceful insects to burning infernos.

I nodded. “Smart. Going for the healers first. Wonder what she’s going to do next?”

Apparently, I was about to find out. She holstered the gun, and before the wolvers could retaliate from the sudden attack at the Silkwings, a sudden red-orange blur ripped across the screen. Several wolvers gave yelps as their fur was burned, and three were shish-ke-bobbed onto the blade as it stuck quivering in a tree.

Rulen grinned. “A Furious Flamberge. Does she like fire, or what?”

Parma somersaulted through the air, dodging snapping wolvers. The Alpha Wolver stayed at the back of the pack, snarling. She ripped the Flamberge out of the tree, sliding the dead Wolvers off the end of the blade. Quickly, she parried a Wolver bite and thrust the blade through the mouth, the blade sliding through the soft flesh, in one end, out the other. “Copycat,” I muttered. Barrus chuckled.

Parma kicked the Wolver off the blade, sending its dead body sprawling into the pack. She then followed through with a backhand thrust, then a forward slash, wrapping it all up with a wide, sweeping blow.

“She’s certainly handy with that blade,” Grantz commented. Rulen smirked. “You like her, don’t you?” Grantz proceeded to knock Rulen of his feet with a staggering blow to the jaw, but, realizing Barrus was watching with one eyebrow raised and apparent interest, he settled for a rough shove. Rulen gave a quiet laugh that turned into a cough, and presumed watching.

Parma had already wiped out the entire pack, save the Alpha, by flashing in and out of view, with quick stabs and thrusts in between. Soon, the Alpha was alone. It growled nervously, baring it’s fangs at anything that moved.

I glanced at Parma before she disappeared once again. She seemed to be reaching for something in her pack. Then she was gone.

Seconds went by. Then minutes. The Alpha seemed to have lost its sense of hostility, and was now lying on the floor, bathing beneath the sun. Suddenly, Parma reappeared from on top of a tree directly on top of the Wolver. In her hands was a glowing, red and yellow gun, its massive barrel holding 12 needle-sharp rounds, thus its name. A Blitz Needle.

Barrus whistled. Grantz raised an eyebrow and Rulen was now staring intently at the screen. Myself, I was surprised that she managed to even land her hands on one of those. They were plenty expensive, and you didn’t see one from a fresh-from-the-academy knight every day.

From the speakers, I could hear her say, “Good-bye.” She leveled the barrel at the wolver, who was unaware of the fact that he was about to be torn to shreds. Everyone in the room was watching. And then she fell from her branch.

“Damn,” I whispered. Barrus pursed his lower lip. Grantz groaned. Rulen rolled his eyes, as if saying, I told you she wasn’t up to this.

Parma fell on top of the Wolver, headfirst. Her equipment belt fell off of her waist and fell into some bushes. The Blitz Needle was snagged onto a branch, and hung just out of her reach.

The Wolver was instantly on top of her, snarling. Spittle could be seen flying in her face. Parma was struggling, but it was clear that the Wolver was winning. Inch by inch, the Wolver’s fangs came closer and closer. Just as it was about to take a bite at her nose, Parma groaned, “Eat this.” Reaching behind her, she grabbed her Recon pack the antenna and through it into the Wolver’s face, surprising it. Rulen tsked. “That’s gonna take some money to repair, I can tell you that. Grabbing by the antenna! Has the Academy taught her nothing?” Grantz rolled his eyes and kicked him in the shins. I grinned.

While we were busy comparing costs of what it would take to repair a bent antenna, Parma had reached for her belt pouch in the bushes nearby. She took out a bomb with spikes on it, which I recognized as the Graviton Charge, from its trademark purple color. Quickly, she primed and threw it. Barrus was scratching his head, and Rulen and Grantz stopped arguing. “What’s she doing now?” I said.

The bomb landed at the Alpha’s feet. It shuddered, and exploded, collapsing into itself, thus creating a small, easy-to-carry-around black hole. The Wolver yelped, and was sucked into the void. The Blitz Needle was also sucked in, torn from the branch, and both the gun and Wolver twirled round and round inside the purple void of death.

An eye insignia briefly flashed, and the Wolver was tossed one way, and the gun the other. Before the Wolver could recover, Parma ran forward, catching the gun in midair. She sighted the wolver and let out two short bursts, turning the wolver into minced Wolver. Rulen winced, while Grantz smiled and pat Rulen on the back. “It’s okay. 50k ain’t that much.”

The scene changed. Parma was now standing in damp, misty graveyard. Graves were scattered around, along with coffins, some with their lids off. Parma confidently put away her Blitz Needle and took out her Firo Driver.

The ground trembled, and several decayed hands reached out of the ground. The Zombies climbed out, several losing several limbs, others only appendages, some, entire chunks. One of them had its guts and organs spilling out. I whistled “You sure spent some time on this part, Barrus.” He grinned. “All in a day’s work.”

Parma spun her gun on her fingers, looking relieved. Zombies were relatively easy, because of their slow shambling and clumsy moves.

She took a few potshots at the closest Zombies, three of them turning into burning infernos, while two others immediately fell to dust. But, while some fell, others rose to take their place. I could see now that Parma was frowning, her brow creased in concentration as she took careful shots with each hit. Several bullets rebounded, injuring nearby Zombies, or bouncing off harmlessly.

The Zombies advanced, and Parma was forced to backup. She tripped on gravestone, and she fell backward, crying out in agony as her ankle was twisted at an awkward angle.

She continued to fire away, but the oncoming horde was too much. Soon, the entire screen was covered, and Parma was kept from our site. Our only indication that Parma was still there was the bright flashes and the occasional zombie going up in flames. “You know,” I said, “I think you might have overdone this one. How many zombies did you put?” Barrus shrugged. “Dunno. A couple. Several. Dozen.” I raised both my eyebrows. “A couple, several, or a dozen?” Barrus shook his head. “No, a couple several dozen.”

Suddenly, the screen flashed bright red. Rulen and Barrus covered their eyes, while Grantz and I squinted to see what was happening. A massive fireball had erupted and was taking down zombies left and right, the fiery heat turning them to dust. Several rebounds bounced off the walls, landing on Zombies and staying there like liquid fire. Another flash. And again. When the smoke cleared, Parma was lying on the ground, propped up against a grave, breathing hard. A patch of her Silvermail was badly damaged where a Zombie had raked her. One of her cheeks was burnt from her own gun. “Son of a snipe,” Barrus and I breathed at the same time.Grantz cheered while Rulen sulked. “You sure you don’t want to raise the bet?” Rulen opened his mouth to reply, but, decided not to and closed it.

This time, the graveyard morphed into a factory, the air smoggy with smoke. Parma straightened up, wincing as she tried putting wait on her useless ankle.

A shadow fell on Parma’s face, and as she looked up, a massive hammer suddenly appeared. Parma dodged to one side, the hammer glancing off her shoulder. Crying out, she clutched it with one hand, backing over to a wall. “I think I heard her shoulder dislocate,” Barrus commented.

A Gremlin Thwacker emerged from the smog, balancing on its two goat-like feet. It snarled, and dashed at Parma, swing its hammer in a deadly overhead blow. Parma shielded, the blow glancing off her Wise Owlite Shield. The Thwacker growled, and tried again, but Parma shielded. She took out a Setenza, firing off two shots. The Gremlin fell silent.

Parma sighed, and crouched down, holding her shield with her arm good arm. She put her shield against the wall, and clumsily took some bandages out of her first-aid kit, wrapping it around her ankle. She then tried to out her shoulder back together, but the pain was too much. Instead, she made a small sling, which seemed to ease the pain a bit.

More figures started emerging from the smog. Menders, Scorchers, and more Thwackers. Parma took a couple shots, taking down a couple, but the Menders revived them. Grimacing, Parma fired off a full round. Bam. Mender down. Bam. Thwacker down. Bam, bam. Two more Thwackers down. Bam. Bam. Another Mender and a Scorcher. Bam. An entire group of at least 15 Gremlins were engulfed in a Hellish flame as a Scorcher’s pack exploded, along with several more nearby.

A Thwacker, enraged, dashed forward, throwing the hammer. Parma just barely got her shield up in time, as she had to set down her gun before picking her shield up. The hammer bounced off the rim of the shield, clattering to the floor.

More Thwackers charged. Parma took a few down with a couple well aimed shots, but, several blocked them with the shields they kept on their backs. The Gremlins were getting restless, afraid of the shadow bullets, but thirsting for blood.

A Gremlin Scorcher let loose a fiery blast, grazing Parma’s shield. Others did the same. All of the Gremlins were now grouped up, the Scorcher’s in the front. Parma scrambled to put in another clip. Peeking over her shield, which she knew wasn’t last much longer, she could see the face of a Gremlin Mender behind the Scorchers, healing anyone who was hurt. She aimed carefully, and shot. The Mender fell silently, a bullet in its eye.

The Gremlin’s around the Mender cried out in surprise, and the Scorcher who had been in front of the Mender did the expected thing- he turned around to see if the Mender was ok. Parma aimed carefully, the sleek black barrel and purple wings lining up with the Scorcher’s pack. Bam.

The entire Decon Zone was engulfed in flame as Parma shielded for life. The screens went black, saying, ‘Simulation Succeeded” The back of the room, which I had thought had been made of wood, was now opening, and Parma emerged. She was limping, had plenty of burns, cracked bones, bruises, cuts, and a dislocated shoulder. Fun.

While Grantz whooped, Rulen grumbling and reaching for his money pouch, I went forward. “Let’s get some ice on that,” I said. Parma slightly nodded, saying nothing. I think this was her first time through. “Grantz, Rulen,” I said, clearing my throat. They stopped arguing. “Meet Parma, new member and Recon of the Alpha Squad.”

Wed, 07/18/2012 - 22:27
#26
Nechrome's picture
Nechrome
The Grinder Games. The Hunger

The Grinder Games.

The Hunger Games.

>.> Makes sense since you've been reading the HG series recently.

So who'd Parma be? Katniss?

Thu, 07/19/2012 - 10:23
#27
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEAD BUNNY!!!

No one? ;_;

Thu, 07/19/2012 - 10:31
#28
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEAD BUNNY!!!

No one? ;_;

Thu, 07/19/2012 - 10:33
#29
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEAD BUNNY!!!

No one? ;_;

Thu, 07/19/2012 - 15:31
#30
Kanoka's picture
Kanoka
*sigh*...fine, I'll do another. :P

Nah, sarcastic reluctance aside, nicely done.

I have to say though, this chapter seemed a bit more sloppy than the previous two - not by much, but there were a few prominent grammar errors that deterred from the story itself...I can be a bit critical when it comes to bad grammar! ^_^

I'm appreciating how your building up the team, slowly and piece by piece...I can just feel, however, the edge that comes from Parma being the only female in the entire squad, both giving her an advantage and difficulty. I also think you're correctly depicting how the squad functions together, especially with their relational quirks and functions...overall, very nicely done. Just be sure to double check your grammar next time! :)

Also, I can absolutely agree with LoN...that was exactly what came to mind for me as well.

Thu, 07/19/2012 - 17:58
#31
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEADBUNNY!!!

Yeah, I took the Grinder Games from the Hunger Games. :D

So, yeah, this chapter DOES seem a bit worse than the other two. /shrug. My mom is making me do homework even though it's summer. ;_;

Thu, 07/19/2012 - 19:29
#32
Duskfinder's picture
Duskfinder
Gj on teh story ('w')=b

Gj on teh story ('w')=b

Thu, 07/19/2012 - 19:52
#33
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEADBUNNY!!!

Hullo Dusk. :3

Mon, 07/23/2012 - 19:16
#34
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEADBUNNY!!!

So...anyone else gonna read this? :P

Tue, 07/24/2012 - 07:38
#35
Oroseira's picture
Oroseira
OSUM

Can't wait to see chapter 4.

Tue, 07/24/2012 - 21:17
#36
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEADBUNNY!!!

:D

Thx, Future. I'm working on it right now.

So...feel free to talk amongst urselves!

Wed, 07/25/2012 - 03:48
#37
Kanoka's picture
Kanoka
Talk about what?

Do you want us to have in-depth character analysis types of conversation that you can take from later, or conversations expressing our full submission to your will and how you will rule the world someday? >.<

Nah.

I do think that you made an intriguing aspect by having the Transforming Training Room. (Reminds me of Star Wars X-Wing Simulators...haha) Where did you get your idea for it, Shadownox?

Wed, 07/25/2012 - 21:22
#38
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEADBUNNY!!!

Oh, umm...I dunno, really. I guess I got the idea from the Hunger Games. You know, how the terrain changes every year, one year it's a blazing hot desert with killer scorpions and snakes, the next, it's a perfectly peaceful meadow with killer bunnies, and...yeah. :P

Fri, 07/27/2012 - 15:00
#39
Psychorazer
Hm... I must say, good job

Hm...

I must say, good job Shadow!

If you're looking for criticism, your starting was a tad awkward. It more stated things that were happening, then really describing them. My teacher used to say: 'Show, don't tell'.

After that, I got kinda lost in the story (That is a good thing), so I couldn't really see how you were going with that. But as far as I could see, you managed to detail the fight scenes pretty well.

As for general comments, you need to be just a little careful on where you put the short sentences. Too many of them too close to each other makes for a bit of awkward reading.

But don't worry, as far as I could see anyway, there isn't anything that needs more than slight practice. You've done well! :D

If I'm actually qualified to judge -.-

Also: I see you peeps are also copying my OP edit style...so people know what chapter you updated...
Icwutudidthar...

(Jks, I don't mind at all.)

EDIT: Fsck. Totally forgot to leave POSITIVE comments.

Mybad, too used to shooting down flaws in things, however euphemistic. Sorry.

Anyway, I liked your transitioning style; you managed to change the focus of the scene without making the reader go 'huh? where?' like some people manage to do. Plotline's looking good too, I'm curious to see what else happens.

Good job on the characters too. I'm not sure if you got your ideas for them from an outside source, or came up with them yourself, but I like how you managed to give existing characters an attitude with them looking like polar opposites to their existing forms; they fit together nicely.

Sorry, I'm out of practice on commenting nicely on things, I'm too used to evaluating a text to find what's wrong with it, as opposed to finding the good things. Mostly because I evaluate my own writing, and then, I just feel like there's something wrong with it, it takes some time to figure out 'what' though.

But this is a good story! Keep up the good work!

Fri, 07/27/2012 - 19:19
#40
Shadownox's picture
Shadownox
DEADBUNNY!!!

Thx Psycho! Any comment from you is a positive comment! ^_^ Actually, I think your the most qualified to judge anyone's work on the forums. :P Your posts are always in-depth and you never leave out why we should change soemthing. So thx.

And, actually, I see the part when you update ur chapter peeps know alot. So i decided to put it on mine. xD

About the characters. I guess I started it off with Euclid, because he's the captain of the squad. Parma, I made her kind of one of the other main characters, since she's the youngest and only female. Grantz and Rulen? If you look at this squad like a meal, Euclid=main dish, Parma=desert, and Grantz+Rulen=Side dishes. They aren't the main characters, but they kinda have their own thing going on at the sidelines. You know what I mean?

Sun, 07/29/2012 - 03:04
#41
Psychorazer

"I think your the most qualified to judge anyone's work on the forums."

Oh stop it you, you're going to make me develop an ego.

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