Greetings everyone this is my first time writing a fanfic please excuse the bad grammar and misspellings.
I am currently typing chapter 2!
Fanfic: Queen of secrets & the army of Ice [second chapter coming out soon! ]
Sun, 12/16/2012 - 22:44
Thu, 12/27/2012 - 14:40
#2
Sorry it took me awhile to
Sorry it took me awhile to write chapter one. Anyways please tell me what you think about the story.
If you don't quite get it I will list some characters here and explain what just happened:
Permafrost: Permafrost Is a Ice jelly who learned to morph by turning into water and freezing the water so she can form like a gremlin or a knight.
In the story she killed Officer Brawdsword and Veteran Frabble. She was going to use a guild to Destroy the spiral order. She became Guild master when she killed the Guild master and used his corpse and froze it so it will last forever.
If you guys have any questions post here!
Thu, 12/27/2012 - 15:56
#3
I will keep my eye on this =3
I will keep my eye on this =3
Thu, 12/27/2012 - 18:19
#4
@seatus thanks!
@seatus thanks!
Thu, 12/27/2012 - 19:46
#5
It's an interesting story
It's an interesting story that gives me a sense of deja vu. I wonder why... Anyways... Just work on staying in one tense. Punctuation and capitalization are good too. Also, if there's dialogue and it ends in a period, replace the period wih a comma. Example:
"i was wear a shirt and said hi to that guy." he said
Is not as readable and understandable as:
"I was wearing a shirt and said hi to that guy," he said.
Soo yeah. Just work on grammar and it'll be much easier for people to read without going, "Wait, what did that just say?"
Apostrophes too!
Brawdsword's
Is better than:
Brawdswords
Soooo yeah...
Good job on the plot line, seems a bit magic so far though.
Thu, 12/27/2012 - 22:34
#6
Thanks Art! =D
Thanks Art! =D
“Captain we are being overwhelmed by gremlins!” A noble knight was speaking through Brawdswords com unit.
Brawdsword grunted as he struggled to get up to his feet.
“You are not our Guild master, who are you!” Brawdsword Demanded.
Then a Feminine Figure walked out of the dark shadow. She wielded a Vanquisher that was covered in blood. Brawdsword prepared to endure a hit. But he was never stabbed. Instead he sighted her slice herself in the face. But no blood dripped. Instead she ripped the rock jelly helm off her face. Inside she was wearing a brute jelly helm.
And she revealed her true self.
“I....am Permafrost," Permafrost paused.
"Not your guild master who died years ago, you were about to be his replacement,” She smirked
"One day I found your guild master bleeding in the Ice queens royal jelly palace. I watched him as he slaughtered my own kind. At the end when the queen was falling and weak. She released
“Instead I used his corpse as my costume so I could be Guild master”
“I was going to use you and your guild to destroy the spiral order”
“Instead I see you here…Weak lying on the ground bleeding “
“You and your guild are no use” She whispered to herself.
“Wh-Why do you wish to destroy the spiral order? Wh-Why do you wish to destroy your own kind?”
Brawdsword stuttered.
“You aren’t my kind”
The feminine warrior charged after Brawdsword grabbed him by the neck and held him up on the wall. Then she choked him to death.
Then she ran outside the Guild hall to help the other guild mates fend off the gremlins.
When she walked outside she has noticed only 4 knights standing and a lot of Dead knights laying lifeless on the ground.
It was a 400 to 4 battle.
“Guild master we are being overrun! Where is Brawdsword!” A Knight asked as he Shoot down a gremlin with his Polaris.
He did not notice the change of appearance in his Guild master. He was too busy shooting.
Permafrost grabbed the knight by his kneck.
“Wha-What are you doing?” The knight choked
“I’m sorry Frabble “Permafrost grinned.
Then Permafrost stuck her sword into Frabble’s body.
“AARGHHHHH!” Frabble Shrieked.
The other 3 knight was out numbered. One by one they were killed by gremlins.
“Look for survivors!” Permafrost ordered the gremlins around.
As she morphed into a gremlin...not just any gremlin, King Tinkinzar. The gremlins followed her order.
Then a gremlin dragged a weeping child out of the guild hall.