Spiral Knights - Monsterous complaint thread! (Not real complaining. Contribute!)

Monsterous complaint thread! (Not real complaining. Contribute!)

35 replies [Last post]

Thu, 07/11/2013 - 08:02

Autofire

Cloak-a-lisk (Species: Bull Chromalisk) (Gender: Male) posted this on July 11th, 2013.

It makes me so mad! All these knights are too OP! My cloak is almost completely useless...they always see me anyway. :( When I try to attack, they always get away and then beat me up. I can't run, they're too fast! Their new dashy thing adds insult to injury...now they get so that I can't see them for a moment! It throws me off so badly. Heck, a guy beat me up with a Prototype Rocket Hammer. I'm Tier 3, he killed me with a T1 weapon which I resist! Nerf these stupid knights! They're too smart! They're too fast! They're too strong! Playing this game is no fun any more! Cloak-a-lisk cries pitifully.

Darn it! This game! It rewards me for crying! I get this stupid material called "Chroma Tear." They're spamming up my inventory! I'm all out of room, again!! DAARRRN IIIIT!!!! Cloak-a-lisk cries pitifully.

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This thread is for complaints made by monsters. I encourage any readers to make some too! Before your monster's complaint, put this in, and surround it with <'em'><'/em'> tags. (Without the quotes.)

[Name here] (Species: [Species here]) (Gender: [Gender here]) posted this on [Date here].

And then put your message afterword.

Rules and tips:

Try to put it in your monster's personality, but remember that not every monster has the same personality! (This includes constructs and zombies.)
There are many bosses as well! (Like, a Vanaduke who's name is Zeus. Vanaduke is just another species. Odd, isn't it?)
Don't get all hatey against OOO or anything. (Well, unless you are making a over-caffeinated overtimer's post. :P)
You may have many monsters. (Like, I intend to have a Gun Puppy in my next post.)
Your monsters may hold discussions with any other monster.
Finally, be creative and have fun!

Thu, 07/11/2013 - 09:58

Hexzyle

This smells like Gremlin Chatter

May I steal monster ideas from this thread for a game I'm spriting? :P

Thu, 07/11/2013 - 11:47

Autofire

You are experiencing a PICNIC ERROR!

Sir-Glorp (Species: Impostocube) (Gender: Male?) posted this on July 11th, 2013.

I say, this behavior is absolutely preposterous! I was then confronted by these tall things who called themselves "knights." They behaved themselves like bandits! I will retell my tail, after putting my mustache in order and refilling my pipe.

There I was. I was happily counting my gold crowns, when I was suddenly and rudely whisked away into a grassy land. This is where I sensed some of these "knights." I was merely shuffling up to one of them to one of them to gently glorp it. (Because I, like every other royal jelly, am completely blind. I must glorp things to "see" an image.) The monsters rudely swooshed their swingy things. In moments I was slain in a similar fashion to brave Mercutio. Right before I dropped my pipe, I was whisked back to my gentle vault. My vitality was restored, but not my wretched nerves.

It still confounds me hither and tither. I will not stand for such hideous banditry! I will never know when I will be whisked away again, but when it happens, I fear I shall break apart in the tearing jaws who go by the name of fear...is there any way to prevent this horrid event? Am I at the mercy of these bandits?

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@Hexzyle

Sure! I don't mind if you do. Though keep in mind this isn't really ideas, but instead personalities.

On an unrelated note, does this go in Treasure Vault?

Thu, 07/11/2013 - 12:07

Ninja-Gyles

@Autofire

Yes, it would.

Thu, 07/11/2013 - 13:48

Possiblespy

Daneeka (Species: Gremlin Mender) (Gender: Male) posted this on July 11th, 2013.

I want dual welding! We could hold one wrench wand in each hand or even two in one hand and one in your other hand to triple weld wrench wands! Anyway duel welding would be awesome and then I could weld two mecha-knights back together at once.

Also, we should be able to craft together to make super monsters! Just imagine a rocket puppy that riding around on the back of a spookat! Or if silkwings shot fire like the fire gun puppies!

------------------------

How's that?

Thu, 07/11/2013 - 15:41

Feline-Grenadier

Huh...

Lyra [Species : Phantom] [Gender : Female] posted this on Seven Eleven Day. Free slushies!

And as if my dreadful afterlife wasn't worse enough, I was subject to the ill-treatment of these "knights". They had all dilly-dallied into my family's courtyard, and then they stormed through the cemetery without so much as a "sorry", or even a pardon. The audacity of it!

Even little Maria, my dearest niece who was transformed into a charming Bombie, was given no mercy when the Knights deliberately antagonized her with their weapons. She was vexed, and a vexed Bombie explodes. Yes, I was able to clean up the mess and put back together even Brutus, my younger Deadnaught brother. At least, not before being subjected to various tortures from the Knights!

They blew me to naught but a pile of ash, and simply waited for me to regroup myself. At which then, they gave me the taste of their arsenal, be it projectiles, the most painful of slashes, or a blinding bomb.

Just when I thought I would lose my own sense of self, they finally left.

Please bar them from entering the Graveyards. I just want peace.

Thu, 07/11/2013 - 17:55

Callis-The-Wicked

Snarbolax (Species:

Snarbolax (Species: Snarbolax)(Gender: Male) posted this on Frabjous Day

Son of a Chromalisk! Beat again! These Knights have no mercy, spamming my lair constantly! I heard from up above they're selling my teeth for my thorns! I KNOW! It makes absolutely no sense when they can just take my thorns once I'm beat! AND, to make matters WORSE, they're also heating their Wolver Sets to become a grand Snarbolax like myself. IT MAKES NO SENSE! WHY DON'T THEY JUST SKIN ME?! OH RIGHT, I'M CLASSIFIED AS A TIER 1 BOSS, EVEN THOUGH I LOOK WAY MORE BADA** THAN THE OTHER BOSSES! WHAT DOES THE JELLY KING GOT THAT I DON'T GOT? A SLIME REPUBLIC?! I HAVE VANISHING WOLVERS THAT CAN HUNT YOU FROM BEHIND IN AN INSTANT!

Well, time to go see my therapist. I'm trying to work out these anger issues. I've been snapping at everyone lately, and I don't think it gives people the right idea. All I've ever wanted to do is make world famous macaroni art and thorned boutique, but no one is really interested in my passion. Even my therapist is bored to tears when talking about it. OH NO, I'M LATE!

Thu, 07/11/2013 - 21:31

Hearthstone

Wow.

...My idea... it flew away when I clicked this link.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 00:54

Hearthstone

Vanaduke, a.k.a. Vanaduck - [Species: Fiend or Undead, I don't care] [Gender: What the... I don't even--] posted this on Almire's Death

In response to the Snarbolax' post, let me speak. Er-hem! NO, I AM MORE BADA** THAN YOU YOU GROWLING PIECE OF TRASH! I CAN SET YOU ON FIRE AND ROAST YOU UNTIL YOU ARE GOLDEN BROWN! HEAR ME?! I CAN ROAST YOU!

But, I agree on the constant spamming of these "knights" into our respective lairs. I even heard of this rumor that, these knights are storming my castle only for the seals of my clothing! Can you believe it?! AND HOW DO THEY EVEN GET Bristling Bucklers, Snarble Barbs, Spine Cones, Brute Jelly Armor, Gremlin Technology and my ARMY'S ARMOR and sell them, when they can just rip Snarbolax' thorns off when they fight him and get the respective items; or get Brute Jelly Armor when they can slap a bodysuit and a scoop of jelly from Royal Jelly; or plunder Gremlin Technology only and not storm the factory; and worst of all, take my army's clothing and armor?!

Vanaduke continues to rant wildly as he hammers down on the chibi knights.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 02:05

Callis-The-Wicked

Snarborant!

Snarbolax(Species: Snarbolax)(Gender: Male) posted this on Frabjous Day

ARE YOU KIDDING ME VANADUKE! YOU MAY BE A BADA**, BUT I LOOK LIKE I COULD STEAL THE SOULS OF POWERLESS KNIGHTS AND CHEW ON THEM FOR ALL ETERNITY, THEN DIGEST THEM WHEN ETERNITY IS OVER AND THEY'RE STUCK WITH ME! I'M THE KIND OF THING THAT WOULD APPEAR IN A NIGHTMARE TO KILL YOU A HUNDRED TIMES OVER IN THE MOST PAINFULLY GRUESOME WAYS IMAGINABLE! BUT NO, I'M STUCK AS A TIER 1 BOSS AT THE MERCY OF SPAMMING KNIGHT BAFFOONS!

I just came back from the therapist's office. The meeting did not go well, as he said I should stop trying to get a sissy career and become a butcher. I disagreed with him, since butchering would mean I would have to chop up my Beast friends, and he just laughed and said, "So?". I don't think anyone will appreciate my thorned boutique and macaroni skills. I am strongly considering going to the lowest of the low and becoming a telemarketer. *sob* WHY MUST I BE SPAMMED?!

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 02:19

#10

Hearthstone

...This is getting fun :3

Vanaduke, a.k.a. Vanaduck - [Species: Fiend or Undead, I don't care] [Gender: What the... I don't even--] updated his status.

FOLLOW YOUR THERAPIST, SNARBOLAX. FOLLOW HIM, I WILL HELP YOU IN YOUR JOB, AND ROAST ALL OTHERS! MUHAHAHAHAHA! ALSO, IT IS "BUFFOONS" NOT "BAFFOONS" YOU BUFFOON! HAHAHAHA!

Vanaduke, a.k.a. Vanaduck - [Species: Fiend or Undead, I don't care] [Gender: What the... I don't even--] tweeted:

I JUST TOLD SNARBY TO FOLLOW HIS THERAPIST'S SUGGESTION TO BECOME A BUTCHER!

#soevil, #backingupsnarby'stherapist, #correctinggrammarerrors

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 03:02

#11

Callis-The-Wicked

Snarboconflict

Snarbolax(Species: Snarbolax)(Gender: Male) posted on Frabjous Day

I'M BOUND TO MAKE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS! I DONLT READ THAT MUCH BECAUSE I'M A FRIGGIN' SNARBOLAX WHO CAN'T REALLY SOCIALIZE THAT MUCH BECAUSE OF HIS ANGER ISSUES! AND MY THERAPIST IS A FREAKING SPRITE, AND YOU'RE ONE TO KNOW NEVER TO TRUST SPRITES! HE DOESN'T EVEN TALK THAT MUCH EITHER, HE DRAWS PICTURES ON THE NOTEPAD HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING NOTES WITH!

Snarbolax(Species: Snarbolax)(Gender: Male) tweeted:

So...awkward meeting with my therapist today. We were sitting in his office, and I tried to strike up a conversation with him, when he threatened to exploit my secrets to Knightkind if I didn't comply in talking Vanaduke into stop kidnapping sprites. I then argued that I could eat him before he got out his phone, but then he disagreed, and said that was blackmail. When I confronted him about him trying to blackmail me first, he splashed his glass of water in my face and said I needed to cool off.

My therapist is gone now.

#yummysprite #snarboproblems #newtherapist? #devourerofalloftheabove

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 03:25

#12

Hearthstone

FUN!

This is kind of... a roleplay.

Welp, outta ideas today, maybe tomorrow, Seatus.

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 03:33

#13

Callis-The-Wicked

Q_Q

I found it fun...

Tomorrow it is then...

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 05:42

#14

Hearthstone

Showing this to anyone would make them laugh. :3

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 05:45

#15

Callis-The-Wicked

Absolutely

I hope someone takes a screen shot and posts it on tumblr ^w^

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 05:46

#16

Hearthstone

...

Additional comment, if Vanaduke and Razwog are the only main story bosses that can talk... What language does Snarby use? Q_Q

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 05:48

#17

Callis-The-Wicked

RUN FOR THE HILLS, MATES!

"HE'S ASKED THE QUESTION!" *directs crowds of Snarby-kind out of the village as it burns down*

"RUN FOR THE HILLS!"

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 06:14

#18

Hearthstone

Also, I feel like... we're stalking each other, Seat. Look at the timestamp of the post...

Uh... Are there hills in Cradle?... And doesn't Snarby live below ground?

/e breaking the fourth wall!

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 06:25

#19

Callis-The-Wicked

Course it does!

(Naw, I just have no life)

Course it does! We're walking up one right now aren't we-? *looks down at hill to find sleeping Tortodrone* Oh....sh-
WELL THEN! I guess it doesn't! And Snarbolaxes can live wherever the heck we want ^u^

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 13:08

#20

Autofire

You are experiencing a PICNIC ERROR!

Cloak-a-lisk posted this on July 12, 2013.

Wow that sucks for you guys. I wonder if I have it better...I mean I have no big lair (but I might be a liar!) so they don't want to kill me a lot and stuffs...what's sad about it all is how they like to make me cry! ); Someone beat me silly with his pokey stick thing, and he grabbed my tears with glee. These things are so weird. Once they pried one of my scales off! It hurt so bad. I was stuck in the hospital crying up my jelly snack lunch for a week!

Once there was a nice knight who ignored me, though. :P

Also, does anyone know why my tongue attacks are doing less damage to jelly cubes? A long time ago I used to do "normal" damage or something...whatever off-the-wall term they have for it. It's so frustrating! I can barely get anything to eat anymore. Cloak-a-lisk cries pitifully.

Oh well...I'm going to go to my Zee core stash. It makes me calm...is there any advice I could get? I'm crying every day now. The problem is that crying makes the knights want to get me more because they seem infatuated with my tears.

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This is fun! :D

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 20:19

#21

Hearthstone

Vanaduke [Species: Fiend or Undead] [Gender: Male] - tweeted on 11:18 - 7/13/2013:

Duke of Almire is sleepy. Will burn moar beasts to supplement... Zzz... HJdasjfakmndsad andasdan das dmashdnas...

Vanaduke [Species: Fiend or Undead] [Gender: Male] - tweeted on 11:56 - 7/13/2013:

I HIRED THAT FREAKING SPRITE FOR YOU! WHY DID YOU EAT HIM?! SPRITES SHOULD BE ROASTED FIRST!

Fri, 07/12/2013 - 20:36

#22

Liminori

Nuuuu!

Thrynn [Species: Battle Sprite: Drakon] [Gender Core: Male] - tweeted on 12:888 (<-- Lol, wut?)

Why does everyone get the wrong Idea?! Knights/Sprites are made of metal! Actually, What do we taste like anyway?
(Do battle sprites technically count as monsters?)

Sat, 07/13/2013 - 03:57

#23

Hearthstone

Slip through the confusion; Find a solution.

Vanaduke [Species: Fiend or Undead] [Gender: Male] - tweeted on 1:47 - 7/13/2013:

WHAT WE MEAN AS SPRITES ARE THE ONES IN MY CASTLE!

Sat, 07/13/2013 - 04:27

#24

Callis-The-Wicked

JUST EAT IT

Snarbolax(Species: Snarbolax)(Gender: Male) tweeted on Frabjous Day

@LordVanaduck ROASTED?! HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT ROASTED SPRITES TASTE LIJE WHEN YOU BURN YOUR FOOD TO CRISPS?! I LIKE MY FOOD RAW! COOKING IT TAKES OUT ALL THE FLAVOR AND IT'S NOT AS CHEWY! AND THAT SPRITE OF YOURS WAS DELICIOUS! WE SHOULD SHARE RECIPES SOMETIME!

#chefsnarbolax #burntfood #lordvanaduck #devourerofalloftheabove

Sat, 07/13/2013 - 04:55

#25

Hearthstone

Slip through the confusion; Find a solution.

Vanaduke [Species: Fiend or Undead] [Gender: Male] tweeted:

OF COURSE I KNOW HOW ROASTED SPRITES TASTE LIKE*. THEY BURN WHEN I PUT THEM IN MY MOUTH! AND YES, WE SHOULD SHARE RECIPES!

#vanaduke, #burntfood, #chefsnarbolax, #recipes

Sat, 07/13/2013 - 05:55

#26

Callis-The-Wicked

I SAY!

Snarbolax(Species: Snarbolax)(Gender: Male) tweeted on Frabjous Day

I SAY, WE MUST BE THE ONLY PEOPLE KEEPING THIS THREAD ALIVE. WHAT SAY YOU, GOOD SIR? AND I KNOW A FANTASTIC MARINATED CHROMALISK STEAK RECIPE, ONLY I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY COOKED THE STEAK! LOOK AT THESE STUMPY LITTLE PAWS OF MINE! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HOLD ANYTHING OVER A FLAME?!

#stumpypaws #yumchromalisk #therapistaftertaste #devourerofalloftheabove

Sat, 07/13/2013 - 06:38

#27

Hearthstone

Slip through the confusion; Find a solution.

Vanaduke [Species: Fiend or Undead] [Gender: Male] tweeted:

YES, I AGREE. LET ME GET THAT STEAK FOR YOU. /BURNS STEAK INTO A RED COLOR, SUCCULENT MEAT. YUM.

#yum, #vanaduke, #hungry

Sat, 07/13/2013 - 07:27

#28

Autofire

You are experiencing a PICNIC ERROR!

Cloak-a-lisk posted this on July 13, 2013.

@Snarby

DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD:

Snarbolax is making Cloak-a-lisk cry!

Zombrain (Species: Droul) (Gender: Female) posted this on April 2, 2012.

WUT IS DIS THING? DA DEBILITES SAY IT IS A COMPUTUR. ITS ALl shinby
and stuvs. anvwav, da debilites say i can tak ebry day becus day
seelED DE APRAL FOOOOOLS JOK THINGY. DIS BLUG THINGY IS ABOT NIHTS? IT
L00K5 FUNNN.

it s importan to menson that i am not hapPI ABOT DA STRANG THING DAT
HAPPPPEND TO MI ARM. I M SLOUR DEN VEBOR. IT S IMPOSABL TO HT DA NIHts anymor. it maks mi soo mad!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111111111111!

Sat, 07/13/2013 - 16:08

#29

Battlegrinder

Pretend I wrote something clever here

PHB (species: pit boss) (gender: ?) 7/13/13

I shoulda stayed as an office worker. I thought I had problems then, but it was practically a vacation compared my life now. I've acquired a whole herd of Yesmen sucking up to me and lacking in my ear all day (you looked really impressive when you dropped that coffee cup all the way down into tier 3,boss. I've never seen anyone scream that loudly when the saw a spider, boss. Boss, no one could have predicted that the gremlins would dismantle our new high-tech security system the minute we installed it. I thought assigning firebrands to guard the gasoline shipment was a brilliant idea, boss). And they're always following me around, everywhere I go. I swear I saw one hiding around my house when I clocked out.

But my regular employees are even worse. I was never the most devoted employee, but at least I got stuff done. These guys....nope. They never seem to do any work, but they have plenty of time yo spend wandering around the office. And of course they always have an excuse. "sorry boss, knights wiped out the PR department last week. Sorry boss, but the gremlins used all our office supplies to build a build a new paper shredder for HR. Sorry boss, frank chucked the last box of A-654/6 forms at the party of knights that invaded us last week, and we haven't gotten replacements yet." And they always manage to throw the most expensive supplies at the knights. I must have spent enough on new office chairs to fund project R twice over. And naturally, getting the expense reports filled out is a huge pain ("I'd love to help, but a gasoline explosion demolished our offices and we're busy picking up the pieces").

I'd turn the whole lot of them into gorgos, but I'd need to fill out a stack of forms taller than I am to do that.

I hate my job.

Tue, 07/16/2013 - 12:20

#30

Viorayne

Beast Power :D

Sparky (Species: Alpha Voltail) (Gender: Male). Posted this on 07/16/13. Shared on CradleBook:

@ Vanaduke: Ever tried the Steak Rare? Almost Raw even. I tried it a while back and it was scrumptious. I'd reccomend it.

But I cant really have much in the way of Steak now-a-days, thanks to all those Spiral Knights roaming around the place.
Heck, Me and my pack dont invade the Haven, or their base up top, common courtesy would be not to come in and killing everyone in my den!

The amount of times I've had to hide my Cubs and mate in the warrens is ridiculous. Still, I suppose any foolish New recruits of theirs make up for it a bit for unvoluntarily offering themselves as our main course.

Currently, we are having words with some of the Denziens of the surrounding Warren to move in around our place. Maybe put some of my Family at ease. I cant remember the last time Ive been able to fully relax...

Just caught my cubs asleep in the bushes, theyre adorable. But I say again, Vanaduke, Very rare Steak is amazing.

Fri, 09/20/2013 - 20:59

#31

Hearthstone

Bumpity~

Vanilla-Duke (Species: Vanaduke) (Gender: Gurl) posted on 1323212121313132-eerrrroorrr:

Y U TRYIN TO MAEK MAH DADDY FAT, DOGGY?!

Fri, 09/20/2013 - 21:34

#32

Sandwich-Hero

Wans (Species: Gremlin, Gender: Male) 9/20/13

So, I had to work overtime today. And my line of work is guarding the Grand Arsenal. And suddenly, a group of 5 knights completely ravaged the Arsenal. Wasn't the maximum for a party 4 knights? Also, I would like it if the knights stayed out of our Arsenal instead of running through the Arsenal and destroying it over and over for no good purpose. It isn't polite to attack during peacetime. And the Arsenal itself is dangerous for me too. I got hit by the sharp side of a handsaw a few days ago. Maybe I should just run off to Emberlight, where knights won't completely ruin my life.

Sat, 09/21/2013 - 07:30

#33

Isekuube

[Katherine] (Species: Construct [Love Puppy]) (Gender: [Female]) posted this on [9/21/13]

I-is there something wrong with me? All I do is love and love, but all they do is kill me! I give this knight free hearts, but he just betrayed me and slaughtered me for my True Love Locket. He hung out with me for a long time too! I thought we had some chemistry going too, his name was Alexander, he even told me what he wanted to become... he told me everything. But all he did was blast me to pieces! He didn't even show remorse! All I want is somebody to love and have forever. Is that too much to ask?
Katherine begins to sob

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This is a really funny idea. Let's keep it up guys! ^^

Mon, 09/23/2013 - 13:29

#34

Popoixd

PopopopopopopopopCORN :3

[Justin] (Species: Develite [Overtimer]) (Gender: [Male]) posted this on [23-09-13]

WHY ???? I was a normal develite like all, i was doing my job i was not the best but i was pretty good. I was even able to defeat ''knight'' whit these ''toothpick'', But then for no reason a Pit Boss (his name was something like PHB) turned me Overtimer. Now im working 36/24 hour per days D: . He didn't had any reason ! I would even merited to get a promotion! Pff being a simply develite worker is really not good.

Thu, 10/17/2013 - 17:43

#35

Popoixd

NECRO

[Justin] (Species: Gorgos.) (Gender:[Male]) posted this on BLORP:

BLOORBLOVLOROP !!! GLOLOBLORLOP BLORPBLORPBRLOP GLORGLORP. BLOBLORP GLOGLOKLORP.
GLORP GLORP GLORP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GLORP BLORKLORP. COLRPBLORRPGLORP.

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Monsterous complaint thread! (Not real complaining. Contribute!)