Yeah, I have been responsible all that time trying to take care of things beyond reason or control. Now.. I recently heard from my and a close friend's parents that I'm not being responsible like that anymore (Only my parents for this.) and I'm just enjoying my life here. It makes me sad to hear that because:
1) I thought they were the ones that told me to enjoy my life before I went for college?
2) I have been sacrificing my happiness and freedom since the beginning to make sure things went and stayed straight.
3) Even though I did those things for the sake of my family, why am I not doing that now? Just by thinking about it, it sounds like I don't care about them anymore. ;-; /think ...
My self-esteem..? I don't what it is anymore.. I still go into class very strong and live through it everyday. I'm known as the smart and clever kid throughout my class even though everyone knows that I score the lowest grade out of the entire class. /thinks about the last and most terrible score possible, "Math.. slept through the entire exam.. had enough time to answer one question.. got that one question right.. resulting score.. 2/100.. and still people in my class say that's a good thing because attempting score = 100%. /shrug and thinks, "Odd logic."
I asked my Dad one more chance for this next test. If I don't pass this next one, I will have to repeat the semester or entire year anyway. I told my Dad this and he said if so, I should go back so I can go to college in America. If I can't adapt to the system there, it will be a real struggle, torture, and waste of time. I told him the problems that I face here:
~Adjusting my circadian rhythm(a.k.a. still experiencing jet lag after 6 months)
~Understanding what the teachers sometime teach us because their accent confuses me with several words. For example: I hear 'Core' = They meant 'Car' -.-
~Catching up with the system. They instructed several assignments that I either never knew that it was an assignment or just didn't know what they were expecting from us. Example:
Friend: We have a physics assignment on Torsion Pendulum.
Me: Ok.. That's it?
Friend: Yeah.
Me: Uhh.. what are we supposed to do for it?
Friend: Make a physics assignment on Torsion Pendulum.
Me: Ok, I understand that part. But what do we do? An essay, a power point presentation, what?
Friend: An essay.
Me: An essay?! Why couldn't you just say an essay on Torsion Pendulum?!
Friend: /shrugs
Me: So what do we right about it?
Friend: Torsion Pendulum.
Me: I know but what about it?
Friend: Just that.
Me: ...ok. /shrugs and is a bit annoyed in thought.
/hugs you like the marshmallow on a rice krispies treat.
Your hearts corrupted? I doubt it. Challenged, yup. You've been being challenged for some time now and doing well. It wasn't that long ago you told me you'd be home by October.
/looks at the calendar.
It hasn't been easy for you but you're hanging in there.
Don't cry. I'm glad it was being abandoned and you busy with school because I was starting to think it was guild related.
Please don't allow your self-esteem to be eaten away there. Parents and adults can be really messed up. They mean well. They try not to repeat the mistakes of their parents so they go and make all their own often completely opposite of what their parents did. You know your intelligent. You wouldn't have gotten into any college let alone an over-seas one if you weren't. Responsible? You are the kid who grow up and did well enough to get into college while playing wife to your father and mother to his children. Your mother and father were responsible for their family. They and your school district were responsible for your brothers education and yours. Your responsibility was to learn, grow and get an education so you could live a better life than your parents did, to become an independent being. You did everyone's job and did quite well for yourself too. Be proud of what you did and will do in the future.
/hugs you like chocolate hugs a dipped strawberry.