Hey welcome to my fanfiction thread! This fanfic is now done! COMPLETE! finito! Keep an eye out for more!
The Trapping
Did you like? Did you hate? OR DOES NO ONE READ THIS STUFF!!!!!?
I mean,
More paragraphing!
Don't kill so many people in chapter 1!
Consider when writing mainstream content; what distinguishes you from the other clockwork-diving fanfics?
Don't use too much mainstream phrases and descriptions! Something less mainstream is ok! Oxymoron is easy to add; consider using symbols and imagery to create a coherent ambiance and picture! A nice background and a lil'bit of descriptions help build up your fiction.
Basically, consider adding more details; symbols and in-depth exploration of character's psychology are something I cannot grasp but I believe you can; create your own style; consider alternate uses of long and short sentences, dialogues I use to determine the tone of the subsequent paragraph, how do you want your piece to sound like? Elegant, beautiful, plain&cold or brutal?
Just don't let the others relate your writing to the famous (infamous!) sentences: "I ate lunch. It is tasty. I am happy"
Good Luck!
Advertisement: Why don't check my fanfic and compare our writing styles? We could discuss
Thanks Vivideus. This is my first fanfic and i wanted it to be a solo adventure. I will take your advice in mind. The reason their was slaughter in chapter one was to explain why a recruit was wandering the Clockworks alone. Thanks!
Prepare ur spark of lives...
GL HF !
People do read it but they don't have to post after they read :P I was going to read it but... I got lazy to read it :|
Nice! That was a very blandly descriptive piece of writing (Ha ha ha oxymorons rock)! Smart Aleck oxymorons aside, (ha ha ha there's another one, er, sort of) I think you did marvelous for a first try! Your premise is a great one as well, it really sets up the story in a nice way.
Along with what Vivideus said, I think that it would do you good to establish more of a connection before killing the first character in one go. Don't get me wrong though, what you have so far is quite masterful, but you must understand that even in the first part, you have to remember that reader's are going to ask "Why do I care about this charater?" If you don't establish that before killing them, then their death won't hold much importance. The only time I would recommend using this tactic is if you have a legion of people dying, then the deaths work as a whole to create that certain emotion of remorse.
It is quite difficult to form a connection between the reader and character so early on, but some things you can try, for example, are foreshadowing. Instead of just '*boom* oh lookit! You're dead', maybe give little hints that Physik is becoming overwhelmed; Something like: "Physik began to tire as he continued his relentless assualt on the constructs, a Gun Puppies bullet slamming into his as he narrowly dodged a Thwackers hammer." This shows that he began to struggle, and in fact did get injured. In your story, his death is abrupt and unexpected. However , you can make that work as well, if you emphasize it and have it come in right when you least expect it. In your story it sort of drifts in, so it holds no impact.
Dang it I forget everything else I was going to say, I agree about the phones Vivi :P
But seriously, very well done your use of ohysical descriptive sis very masterful. Try playing with describing the mood, tone and feelings of the characters.
Mel wandered through the maze like tunnel randomly taking turns at the intersections. He was being stalked by dark phantoms, dancing around in the tunnels behind him. Every time he turned around, they would disappear only to follow him when he turned around. He tripped and fell. A apparition leaped at him, plunging a dark serrated blade into his back. His armour started to become black and incorporeal, his arms fizzling away, then his chest and finally his legs and head. He screamed as he melted away into the air...
Mel awoke with a jolt. He must have dosed off in the tunnel. He checked the chronometer in his HUD. It was 9:36, about two hours after the fight where his protector Physik died.
He began to march down the endless tunnel again when he encountered a crossroad. On the left was the elevator, on the right was a gremlin Thwacker leading a team of Mecha Knights . He dove to the elevator but the Thwacker struck him a glancing blow across the head. He staggered back drawing his Proto gun and executing the Thwacker with a shot to the head. A mecha knight lunged at him, which he clumsily deflected with his new calibur. He rammed the sword in its torso in a burst of sparks. He shot another mecha knight three times causing its arm and head to blow off. The third one charged, using it's weight to knock him back down the tunnel and away from the elevator. A Shadowmane Stalker materialized behind him, lunging at him. He narrowly dodged, kicking the stealth troop into the Mecha Knight that was advancing. He drew a proto bomb and lobbed it at the two remaining enemies. He dove into the elevator just as it detonated.
Guild master Rasenaiki slammed his fist into the terminal. One of his guild members had been reported missing in the "stretch". The stretch was a notoriously long and maze like Clockwork tunnel, occupied by an aggressive group of gremlins. He was extremely protective of other Astartes* and this one case was driving was making him crazy. Mel had a reputation of not being the most powerful of knights. He stormed out of his guild office in a rage.
Ten minutes later, he was at the Arcade. as he approached the Coral Pawn Gate but two Spiral Wardens barred his way. "I'm sorry sir, but we cant let you through. We are in a state of emergency. Please step aside. We are only allowing authorised personal in until the lost recruit is rescued." The lefthand warden said. The other one simply hefted his leviathan blade and growled. "fine" Rasenaiki said through his hallow armour set. He stormed off, tossing a vulgar insult over his shoulder.
*Astartes: Rasenaiki's guild
Malk, I quite like your simple yet effective style! It streams through the plot easily, and with some more effort, you can transform this style of writing into some very cool stuff:
Chapter 2: The battle with the monster; as my Chinese teacher put it, do not write things "as if recounting them one by one", but rather, try to create a certain atmosphere out of the whole paragraph. Imagine how Mel feels when he again steps into the unknown; first write his hesitation followed by his sure response (driven wholly by fear and perhaps fresh memories of how Physik died?), how he is daunted and his enemies materialize like shadows. The pace of the battle could be even faster to show the fleeting moment of destruction. (Yup I like fleeting moments)
Shadows. That could as well suggest something...something hidden deep in the fabrics of your story that you perhaps want to reveal later, a greater evil, secret or whatsoever?
And also add a blackbird I like blackbirds check shilin.deviantart.com
Chapter 3: Actually I would like to see some sort of lost relation between the GM and the nooby Physik. Since...GM never knew Physik died. He only knew that his guild member disappeared. Make GM dive into the clockworks, only to be pursued and struck dead in front of Physik's rotting carcass. Kewl enough.
Mel sheltered behind the railing as the bomb went off, killing the last two of his assailants. The force of the bomb made he elevator lurch, making him fall. He grabbed the railing just in time to avoid a fall to his death. He dangled there holding for dear life with both hands...
Rasenaiki glared at the wardens from across the Arcade when he remembered something. Snipes would swarm on anything with food. He approached the nearest Stranger and asked for two bags of Snipe food. He tossed the stranger a handful of crowns and opened a bag. He tossed the bag at the left hand Warden. The effect was immediate. Snipes across haven flocked to his armour and started pecking. He tossed at the other one, and the right hand Warden was hassled as well. The time was now. He leaped into the elevator and hit down...
Mel was not falling, but not safe either. A cable on the elevator had snapped and one slip up would send him falling to his demise. He carefully clambered into the elevator and listened. He could hear the sounds of gremlins coming. A gremlin came from the crossroad that the mecha knights had come from and he snarled at the knight. The gremlin approached the precarious elevator and laughed. He kicked it, the force of his kick enough to snap the other cable. The elevator fell into the darkness below...
i read chapter 1... |drum roll| awesome! Not enough time to read the rest though. Building on advice from Hexlash, If the knights death is sudden then a better way to write it would be this: |||physik stood silently as the last construct fell to its knees and collapsed. "physik?" Mel cautiously aproached him. Not a sound was made. Slowly, physik's head ducked forward. Mel laid a hand on his shoulder "hey, you ok," he dropped face first, as stiff as a board. Sudden realization slammed into mel, he was dead. Mel rolled over his body, sharp shards of metal had been thrusted through his heart. A parting gift from the construct. Another one dead... He was alone.||| dramatic is my flavor. Try to think out of the box to make your fanfic stick out from the rest. If his death is going to be sudden then make it seem like something important and drawn out. Unless mel is cold hearted and is not disturbed by what happened death should mean something to him. Just some friendly advice from your average dan. (WARNING: advertisement) check out my fanfic you editors of the forums! I need honest advice on my previous chapters.
Mel fell in on the box of the elevator. The world around him became hazy and indistinct. As he fell he drew his sword, and leaped off the side. His midsection smashed into a platform and he dug his calibur in between to floor tiles. He clambered up, and gasped. Mel crawled gingerly, aware that he might be seriously injured. He lay on his back and let out a sigh of relief.
He was floating. That was the first thing he noticed. He was floating in the dark, neither dark nor cold. He had a vague sense of floating and spinning. He saw a light up above him. He willed himself up and fired at it, leaving a golden trail behind him. He was flying, borne aloft on 10 foot wings darting through the skies. Other winged things came, disfigured and draconian in appearance. He dispatched the first few with a glowing silvery sword, but they soon grew in numbers. They grabbed at him until he could fly no longer, falling back into the dark. His last thought was of his wings burning.
Mel awoke. There was a leering glaring gremlin Thwacker above him, and a Retrode accompanied it.
The Thwacker smashed him over the head, knocking him out cold. He made a gesture at his prone form, and the Retrode hoisted him over it's shoulder. They took him for a few miles, and down several elevators. Eventually they came to a long, squat building. Far to both sides were shabby looking tents. The pair dragged the hapless recruit into the centre building, and took him to a room full of cages. They opened one and tossed him in. The gremlin said: "Rest up, fleshy-whelp. You'll need as much help as you can get.Welcome to your new life of slavery". They opened the cage again and took his weapons. The gremlin snapped his sword over his knee, and took the gun and bomb.
"Hey you! Your that missing recruit, aren't you? My name is Sammael. But you can call me Sam." The voice sighed. "This is slave camp Grau'kl, or at least the Gremmies call it that. We call it Hell." The knight said again. "My name is Mel" Mel said. "My squad was butchered and I am the sole survivor." A Gremlin kicked the bars and yelled " Shut up! Don't defile a place of purity with your unclean, guttural language!"
A crimson sigil marked the Gremlin out Crimson Order. The ruling elite caste of Gremlins. "Tomorrow you work the mines! Filthy dogs!"
Six months past. No one in Spiral HQ new what had became of Mel, so a funeral was held and general period of mourning followed. No one new of the slave camp, or Physik's demise. Coral Pawn gate was reopened and the search was stopped. Meanwhile back at Grau'kl, Mel and Sammael worked the mines. There were four mines one for each mineral, Valestone, Dark Matter, Moonstone and Crimsonite. Mel and Sammael worked the Dark Matter mines. Frequent exposure to Dark Matter frequently drove slaves insane, so fresh thralls were shipped in regularly. Their jobs were to smash deposits with crude looking axes, while being whipped by a snarling overseer.
As Mel and Sammael smashed, the overseer came over to supervise. "Hurry up! Fleshy dogs!" The overseer bellowed. He kicked Sammael in the abdomen. He kicked him over and over, until he coughed blood. "Get up" the gremlin snarled. "No" the prone knight replied. The gremlin drew a black stick and smashed him over the head. He followed up with a kick to the head. Sammael sprawled in the dust. The gremlin drew a Pulsar and levelled it at Sammael's head. Before he could fire, Mel dove and drove his pick axe in the gremlins head. Blood seeped from the wound and the gremlin collapsed. Another overseer attempted to fire but was cut down by another prisoner. All around the mines, the overseers were being killed.
The rebelling slaves pushed upward to the main compound, before the Gun Puppies fired. On the buildings were concealed trap doors, perfect for gun puppies.
The first rain of projectiles slashed through the knights, destroying there ranks. As they ran on toward the doors, gremlin troops came out. Their mining picks proved to be poor substitutes for swords, the ends heavy good for breaking rock, not bone. Their advance slowed greatly, as they tripped over their own dead. Charging through the rain of death, a few knights made it through. They leaped past the barricades and stormed the gates. They charged through desperate to make it to the cages. The horde charged to the exit, except for Mel. He ran toward the cages, looted Pulsar in hand.
He fired at the guard posted there, the guard launched back at the bolt of energy. He slashed off locks with his pick, until everyone was free. "GO GO GO" he shouted. He ran with the freed prisoners, firing at their ex-captors along the way. The fifty or so remaining knights ran out of the compound and towards the elevator.
It took half an hour to load everyone up, with 25% losses but finally the last load of knights reached the arcade.
Very impressive! The plot is riveting and your descriptors and vocabulary is exemplary! Your style of writing keeps the reader in rapt attention, because if the fast pace plot and completely unexpected turn of events. That foreshadowing about those flying things back before was pretty intriguing as well!
My only complaints and suggestions, are to perhaps give yourself a little time to establish mood, so that the reader can take a bit of time to create a resonant feeling for what your characters are feeling and what they may be experiencing.
I admire your apparent form of writing, where it seems you just go with the flow. At times it seems as if you didn't think ahead, but at other times it appears very well thought out.
The punctuality with your posts is incredibly important and one of the most difficult things about writing a fan fic, so very good! I eagerly await more, and hopefully, you'll consider some of my advice; I don't just write posts like this for fun. I'm giving my own time to others, to encourage their talent. :D
need moar fanfic gimme fanfic yey moar fanfic no moar fanfic me no happy post moar fanfic me read me want fanfic read more fanfic read
As the last knights made it up, one thing was apparent. Mel wasn't there. The crowd of people fell into stunned silence.
Five minutes past, still no sign of him. Another five past, with the same result. Finally, the elevator came up with two knights on it. Mel had Sammael over his shoulder. He gasped. "Leave no man behind!". The crowd cheered and then Mel fell to the ground. Medics rushed and dragged him away, his heroic welcome back on a stretcher.
He died in the medicae tent, and was awarded the Vanguard Crest, posthumously.
And to this day, there is a statue of Mel the recruit, a symbol of courage, bravery and honour.
ok, so to make a fanfic work I have to make it fastpaced and end it in less than 10 chapters. got that. thanks
MAKE ANOTHER FANFIC GIMME MOAR FANFIC I READ FANFIC GIMME FANFIC MOAR FANFIC NO FANFIC I NO HAPPY GIMME FANFIC ME READ FANFIC GIMME
OOookkkay then... There's nothing wrong with a short Fac-fiction, but that was quite surprising; I'm sure a lot of us were expecting more.
To be honest, I would suggest you go back and revise it, then put it together into a full story. That would allow you to see your mistakes and improve your writing. It was nice, but I really think you completely neglected character building and development, as well as tone setting, for action and speed.
Don't get me, wrong though, it was great :)
when i was busy writing not yet one-third of my story u were done...
soz another phone post
btw hex stop hXctrolling
and wut is the Rasenaki gal doing?
What trolling? I can't really tell if you guys are mad, or like, happy mad...
Malk,
I demand you to rewrite this over and over again until you get a comment from Vinnydime.
I need more from the Rasenaiki gal, she looks sexy hot. Gonna write The Trapping {Redux}? This time let peeps create their own characters, Imma put my Nightsong/Blackbird to use :D
Wish you success in your next novel! This refreshing style is so appealing in contrast to my chapters that spill out like zombie brains :w:
GL HF! Wish you need no more Sparks of Life!
RASENAIKI IS A DUDE!! AHHH BRAINS SPILLING OUT FROM CREEPEDOUTEDNESS
Make Rasenaiki a girl. Make her have romance with Physik. Then I'll be totally satisfied.
We (or is it just I?) are all waiting for your second piece and the opportunity to post our own character apps.
Well, I guess it was a tad bit short, and I really did want it to be longer...but...
Well, it's your story. Can't whine about anything.
And no Vivi and Sandwich, he doesn't have to write anymore than he wants to...
Especially when you're about the same seniority as him in terms of activity on the forums. ._.
This was my fanfic and it was too ill received. hope you enjoyed it! i dont feel motivated for another now!
This was awful. I feel guilty to exposing you guys to such garbage lol
Mel stumbled hopelessly after his squad. Their leader had been slaughtered in an ambush by gremlins, along with their shield bearer. Only him and the swordsman remained. They had been walking for some time now, the tunnel seemingly endless. Mel was just a recruit, his proto sword only recently taken out of the packaging. He focused on just putting one foot in front of the other, left,right,left,right, left. "Hey Physik!" he called out. The swordsman turned. "What!?" " How much longer" Mel said after a moment of silence. " I don't know! Damn recruits these days" Physik was a newly fledged knight, his Flourish trailed anxiously in the dust on the ground. Physik was wearing the solid cobalt set with a great defender, which was slightly worse for wear.He had an auto gun strapped to his thigh. Mel was wearing the Proto set, this being his first expedition through the Clockworks. For the past half hour they had strode through this tunnel, alert for more signs of enemies.
The duo entered a room with a locked gate on the far side of it. A party button sat in the middle, imposing. Physik strode forward confidently, whilst Mel reluctantly walked behind him. They got on. Four gun puppies shot up on either corner of the square room. A troop of Gremlin Thwackers came through from the sides of the room, through hidden doors. A horde of gremlins and constructs followed suit. Mel backed away as Physik charged into them. His whirling flourish claimed three gremlins on the first swing. He ducked under a Retrodes claw swipe and blew its head off with his auto gun. As Physik fought in the middle of the writhing melee, a gremlin thwacker charged Mel. He shot it in the chest five times with his proto gun, and finished it off with a backhanded pistol whip to the head. Mel charged in to the fight in an insane act of bravery, thinking "what am i doing? I will die in there!". Thankfully, before he reached the centre of the room Physik executed the last construct with a stab of the Flourish to its head. The mechs night exploded in a ball of sparks and flame. Physik staggered around for a few seconds before falling to the ground.
Mel ran over to see what happened to him. There was a burn wound to his chest, probably a gun puppy shot. Physik said: " good... job there. *cough*... I suppose I wont make it now... huh?" Physik coughed up a gobbet of phlegm and blood. " look... there is an unbound weapon and armour in my bag... hope... it *cough*...helps." Physik died right then. Mel gently rested him on the ground, with his sword grasped in one hand, the auto gun on the other.
In the bag was a alpha wolver set of armour, and a calibur with the words, bravery, loyalty, honour etched in to the handle. He put on the alpha set and grasped the sword, feeling the hum of power as it bound to him.
He strode off into the Clockworks, his only way back blocked by a gate.