I liked that writing. But who's Versacci? Who's Jinx?
Is this an excerpt of some kind? Am I missing something? Is there some sort of secret Astronomer's club that I wasn't invited to?! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!
Well, it's probably there to prove your point, so I guess it's more of a very poetic form of saying "don't ask for new content too much."
Versacci is a wordplay on how I thought Saucce would be pronounced (Saw-chee?) and Jinx is Carbonjinxmesa. The Astronomer's Club is a reference to the recent trickle of newer / returning writers to the Treasure Vault.
Permission to copy/paste to any other area where someone complains about said topic?
I feel insulted and complimented. But that is sort of accurate to how I act in real life. BANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANANNA MEPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Chapter Four: The Assassin's Dagger
Mono and his friends sought out Eve Corvin. Alisa knew that Eve lived in a small house south of the Arsenal. The house was in the traditional style of the Strangers. It’s walls were of sandstone, with vines growing on them. There was a small porch in front of the house, with a fabric sheet draped over it for protection from the summer sun. Mono approached the door and knocked thrice.
Eve opened the door and was surprised to see Mono. She took a look at Alisa, Grub, and Pop, and asked, “Who is this?”
Pop replied, “An old friend of ours, Mono. We have some explaining to do, so may we come inside?”
Eve’s house was not decorated. There was a small kitchen, and a couch near the door, with another two rooms in the back. On one of the walls hung a Defender, a Calibur, and a Blaster.
Eve Corvin had short blonde hair with dull viridian eyes. She was wearing light padded armor that offered minimal protection. “So,” she said, “What have you come to me for and who are you, Mono?”
Mono then related the story of his travels to her, and their plan of attack. She showed quite an interest in the mission that he wanted her and Alisa to carry out. Eve also asked about their idea of recruiting knights into their guild.
Mono replied, “We wish to find both young Vanguards and hardened veterans. If we can recruit enough knights into our ranks, this mission will be easier. If you choose to join us, then you will be coming with us to Xerxes’ compound.”
“Are you kidding? I’ve never done something like this before!” Eve exclaimed. “Of course I want to come!”
!#-^*^-#!
Mono and his friends had separated and each wandered a section of Haven to ask knights if they would join the group. Mono had not had any luck yet, even though he had asked fifty knights so far. Finally, when he was about to give up, Mono saw a lone knight in green Spiral Warden armor, with a field cap. His HUD was visible around him, and he had a targeting module on his face. On his sides were grenades and ammunition, with a pack of rockets on his back. The knight had light blue eyes, with dark hair. He seemed to be scowling at everyone that passed.
Mono approached this strange knight, and, as usual, asked, “Sir, what is your name?”
“Ryker,” he spat, “And I’m a technician.”
“Ah, Ryker, I am going on a daring expedition with some friends of mine and I am searching for brave knights to join me,” Mono explained.
"What sort of mission?" Ryker asked, bluntly. "Are we going to get ourselves killed?"
"Hopefully not," Mono replied. "I am going to a gremlin facility in a chain of volcanic mountains. The gremlin who commands the facility is named Xerxes, and I plan on exterminating him."
"Has Feron or someone ordered this mission?" Ryker said. "Or is this some crazy scheme you and some other madmen came up with?"
"I don't think it is crazy," Mono answered. "He plans on razing Haven to the ground with a highly flammable substance named Compound 01 Xerxes."
“I’ll come. But Herex and Seerus are preparing to attack Haven, and Feron has ordered no knights to leave the area,” Ryker said.
Mono thought to himself, So that’s why Alisa wished I was here…
!#-^*^-#!
When Mono and his friends joined up at last, they had amassed a small army of eighty-one knights. They were the new Warriors of Old.
Mono made a short speech describing the mission to the Warriors of Old, and told them all that they had a day to prepare before they set out.
After the speech, which was accepted warmly, Pop said to Mono, “Do you need a gun? You have a Barbarous sword and shield, but I suggest having a revolver of sorts.”
“That sounds like a good idea, but I have no money with me,” Mono said, sighing. “How much would a good gun cost from a smith these days?”
“I think they’ll cost six hundred crowns for a standard one, and if you want a custom one, you’ll have to pay eight hundred crowns,” Pop informed him. “But I do know a gunsmith who’ll give you a discount for knowing me.”
“Can we go to him now?” Mono asked, eager to get a gun.
“Sure,” Pop said. “I can buy the gun for you.”
!#-^*^-#!
“This is Zelich,” Pop told Mono, pointing to a middle-aged knight with a helmet obscuring his head. He had an apron with scorch-marks on it.
“‘Ello, Pop!” Zelich called. “What can I do for you and your friend?”
“Well, Mono here is looking for a gun. He wants a six-shooter, but nothing too fancy,” Pop explained. “Do you have a nice six-shooter?”
“Sure thing! I’ve got a Gilded Griffin I can sell you for four hundred crowns, or,” Zelich said, “I can customize it for an extra hundred.”
“Can I see the gun?” Mono asked eagerly.
Zelich handed him the gun. There were golden dragons on the end of it, and the frame was made of steel. It was light, with a small stock. Mono did not like the dragons because they prohibited him from having the gun in a holster.
“I would like it modified,” Mono said. “Could you put these dragons on the barrel so it will fit in a holster?”
“Sure thing,” Zelich said. “Why do you want to make it a quickdraw?”
“Pop and I are going on a mission… It’s likely that we’ll be ambushed by gremlins, and a quickdraw six-shooter is what I need,” Mono explained. “How long is it until you have completed it?”
“Ohh… This’ll take an hour or so,” Zelich answered. “Will that be okay?”
“That’s perfect,” Mono said.
“When do you want us to pay you?” Pop asked. “When we pick it up?”
“That’ll do, my friend,” Zelich told him before going to the back of his shop to work on the gun.
!#-^*^-#!
After an hour of wandering the Bazaar in Haven, Mono and Pop returned to Zelich’s shop. Zelich then handed the gun to Mono, and said, “Five hundred crowns, please.”
Pop then drew five gold coins from his pocket and handed them to Zelich, who said, “‘Tis a pleasure doing business with you.”
Mono then thanked both Pop and Zelich and continued with Pop through the Bazaar. Mono said, “I am surprised that no one has tried to assassinate me yet. Xerxes knows I know of his facility, and he would’ve sent Darkwalkers to kill me, but I have seen nothing suspicious.”
“That’s odd… What’s up with that?” Pop asked.
“I don’t know. Xerxes is bound to send someone to kill me before I destroy his compound.”
“We’d best be careful, then,” Pop warned.
A few minutes later, Mono saw a knight in a Chaos cloak and cowl with dark purple eyes. He recognized this knight but he did not know where from.
As he approached the mysterious soldier, he felt uneasy. His subconscious was telling him that something about this knight wasn’t right. “Hello, friend!” Mono called. “Do I know you? It’s seems that I do…”
The knight suddenly looked in his direction, and stared at Mono the way a cat stares at prey. “I do not believe I know you. Who would you be?”
“I am Mono, current leader of the Warriors of Old,” he answered as he approached, he was now a yard from the purple-eyed warrior. “Who are you?”
With a snarl, the knight said, “Your worst nightmare.” He grabbed Mono’s shoulder with his left hand, and with his right hand, drove a tarnished silver dagger into his ribs. Mono stumbled, surprised.
Mono drew his new gun while Pop came up behind the mysterious knight and grabbed him, holding him in place. Mono had trouble aiming his gun, but after three seconds, pulled the trigger.
The bullet hit the knight between the eyes, killing him instantly. The gun’s recoil made Mono stagger. Blood was streaming out of his left side. With a gasp, Mono fell to the ground, unconscious.
My character, yay.
Again, it seemed a little like a half baked coincidence when Mono out of the blue starts wondering about why he hasn't been attacked yet, and then almost immediately after gets attacked.
Alisa wishes Carbon were here because Herex/Seerus are planning an attack on haven and that's why she's crying? Ok...
Also a note, is " !#-^*^-#! " A transition sign?
Good chapter, otherwise... I'll be reading!
Yup. !#-^*^-#! is my transition sign. I have to have everything make sense, y'know, too.
I'm assuming that you're still taking character apps, since the thread title says 'Still Rolecasting.'
Wow I haven't created a character app in a long time.
Name: Aelston
Species: Gremlin
Gender: Male
Age: Whatever age is considered to be the equivalent of 22 human years in Gremlin society.
Bio/History:
Aelston is an elite soldier under the command of King Tinkinzar. He is hybrid Ghostmane/Demo, equipped with the skill and gear of both, and is a member of a covert ops team of other Ghostmane Hybrids like him, which in turn is a subgroup of a large secret clan of various other hybrid Gremlins and sapient Constructs known as the Crimson Legion. Due to his skills, he is often sent on missions that involve both assassination and sabotage, typically those of the really explosive messy kind, which he takes to with great vigor and pleasure.
As a child, Aelston was enthralled by the tale of battle, full of honor and glory and that stuff. He decided that he wanted to join the military someday, which is exactly what he did. After joining the Gremlin armed forces at the youngest possible age, he was assigned to the sole class of Ghostmane, simply due to his appearance. He was stationed in the Ironclaw Munitions factory, where he ended up developing a penchant for explosives and engineering. But really what Gremlin doesn't?
After performing several acts of valor in defense of the facility from the Spiral Knights, he gained the attention of several higher ups in the Gremlin high command. After a while, they approached him with the offer to join the Crimson Legion, which he had only previously heard whispers of. Having honestly heard nothing too much of the organization to really want to join, the major selling point was an education in the Demo art of explosives. He accepted, and spent the next few years training and learning the wars of the Legion as a recruit before becoming a full-fledged member and joining a covert ops team.
During his training years, Aelston was involved in an accident with explosives that cost him a good chunk of his face. His general face healed due to the mighty Mender magicks, but his eyes did not. As a result he received mechanical prosthetics for his eyes that looks really quite awesome and cool but he hides behind his Ghostmane hood mask thing anyway. This incident has not deterred him from his love for explosions though.
At some point he used his skills as an engineer and mechanic to build himself a few pieces of custom gear, more on that below.
Personality:
Aelston is a cheerful guy and a bit of a joker and prankster, both on and off the field. Tends to abuse his Ghostmane cloak to screw around with both his buddies, playing all sorts of practical jokes and things on them. He tends to do the same to his enemies, although typically with much more fatal results.
Also rather analytic and tends to ramble on about the smallest of details and what they possible might mean and all that, which people around him find annoying but not as annoying as his constant derping around.
He has somewhat of an dangerous obsession with explosives and making things go boom. He is a Gremlin after all.
Skilled with all weapons he uses and knows how to use them effectively in any situation.
After seeing quite a bit of action, Aelston realized just how naive he was as a kid because honestly there isn't anything that glorious about war. Cause it's people suffering and dying. However, he still relishes the thrill of combat and the even bigger thrill of seeing things blow up. Just because something is nasty doesn't mean you can enjoy it. Perhaps he's mildly sadistic that way but eh.
He has a sense of patriotism and is quite loyal to Tinkinzar and the Crimson Order, and will do whatever it takes to protect his people. While he does not always approve of the methods that his king uses to fight the Knights, but considers them necessary evils required to protect the Great Colony and Gremlinkind. He has no personal beef against the Knights, but sees them as the Colony's enemies and willingly fights them.
When reconing around Knights he enjoys to play mind games with them, doing subtle whatevers so that they think someone is there but there is no one there but wait there was another sound wait I don't think that thing was there before aguahguahguh what is going on.
And then his victim steps on a hidden mine and gets blown up, leaving Aelston crackling with laughter wherever he is hiding and observing.
Look:
Typical of most Ghostmane Stalkers, Aelston is albino and has white fur, although there are patches that are burned black due to explosive accidents. Purple eyes as well. Or rather had purple eyes until he received his prosthetics. But those are also still purple as well so whatever. Is of small stature, being only 4'6", which is pretty useful when it comes to sneaking around. Has a lithe and fit build for a Gremlin.
Wears the slightly modified garb of a Ghostmane, being that it's made of black material instead of grey. Utility belt with a few pouches on it for carrying stuff. Nice durable gloves so he can hold his razor disc chakrams and also use them as melee weapons without cutting his fingers off.
Has typical Ghostmane and Demo gear, which is to say; chakrams, antipersonnel mines, and a good amount of stable timed explosives. And whatever cloaking device enables him to become invisible. Keeps explosives stashed in some pouches on the utility belt, which is actually rather safe since they're stable so they won't blow up even if someone shoots them which is nice.
Also lugs around a custom Roarmulous laser sniper rifle on his back. As its name entails, the gun fires a highly accurate Roarmulous laser with great range and no bullet drop or deviation, since it's a laser beam after all. He also uses its stock as a bludgeoning weapon when the situation calls for it.
Additionally has custom wrist brace things on each wrist. Said wrist brace things spit out both tiny antipersonnel mines and tiny rapidly expanding chakrams that aren't so tiny after they expand into his hands, for both easy access/deployment/throwing and to save space as opposed to having to carrying them around in a backpack or something.
Other:
Not a 'bad guy' per se, but I suppose an antagonist since the main characters seem to be Knights.
Aelston has been accepted, and now with 10 rolecasted characters, rolecasting is CLOSED! And, uh... How do you change the title?
At the top of the Opening Post thing there should be an edit tab that lets you edit the OP and the thread title.
Uhh... I don't see it. All that's up there is "Post Reply."
It seems that the account you're using now is different than the one you used to make the OP, since your current has an avatar but the OP one doesn't. Even though they have the same names. So you're gonna have to log in to whatever account the OP was made with to edit.
(OOC: @Lordofnecromancers Yeah, I logged in via Steam when I posted it because I didn't know that I didn't have to... That explains why the avatar wasn't there, which I was wondering. Will fix! Also, I have started to bring in more of the rolecasted characters, so most of them should be in the story by Chapter Seven.)
Chapter Five: Down With The Walls
When Mono came to, he saw a gremlin standing over him. His side was in terrible pain, and gurgling came whenever he breathed. He looked to the gremlin, and stammered, “Who… Who… Who are you?”
“I am Ava der Ärztin. I’m not here for long, and will soon leave you in the care of Spiral Medics. Don’t try to talk,” She cautioned.
“What… Happened… After I killed him?” Mono asked, even though Ava had warned against it. “And where on Cradle is Pop?”
“I saw what happened. You killed Urztein, a Darkwalker assassin,” Ava explained. “I saw Pop pick up your unconscious body and asked him if he wanted me to heal you. He turned me away, but I convinced him. I brought you into Lokd’s home. He’s another gremlin who lives here in Haven. Pop is talking with him, but it is still very edgy.”
“How long… Until… I’m healthy?” Mono asked her.
“If you would go back to sleep, then four hours at most,” Ava said. “Now, just drink this, it’ll make you feel better.”
She then made Mono drink a cup of a blue-green liquid. It had the consistency and taste of honey. A minute after it entered his body, Mono fell peacefully asleep.
!#-^*^-#!
“Now Mono, your lung is as good as new!” Ava said, trying to wake him up. “The dagger ripped your diaphragm and pierced your lung. I was able to stitch up your diaphragm, but I had to transplant a lung.”
“You did what?!” Mono yelled. “You mean only one of my lungs is mine?”
“Yep,” Ava said, “And you have to take pills every day or your body will reject it and you’ll lose it.”
Ava then handed Mono a bottle of pills labeled “Lung Transplant Meds.” He put it on his belt and said, “So will I be able to travel and fight?” he asked.
“For the most part, yes,” Ava answered, “But if you get punched where you were stabbed, you’ll be in for a painful experience.”
“Is Pop still in this building?” Mono asked, and after a nod from Ava, yelled, “POP!”
Pop and Lokd entered the room with a look of glee, and said to Mono, “Lokd is coming with us to Xerxes’ facility. Ava, would you like to come?”
“No thanks, I’m not coming…” she said. “Well, I might follow along, but I won’t fight.”
“Thank you, and farewell, Ava,” Mono said gratefully. “Without your help, I would have died, and Xerxes would make Haven burn in Compound 01.”
!#-^*^-#!
It was nine o’clock in the morning, only hours before the Warriors of Old would leave. Mono and Pop entered the building where Alisa, Grub, and Eve were sleeping, and woke them. Alisa especially was horrified when she saw bandages on Mono’s side, and asked, “How did you get that?”
Mono then related the story to them, while Grub inspected Mono’s new gun.
After Mono had finished his story, Grub commented, “This is an amazing gun. With your skill, it could be used as a weapon of mass destruction. I hope it serves you well, and it appears that it already has.”
Just as Mono was about to say something, a young knight in Cobalt armor entered the room, and said, “When are we heading out? I’m getting restless!”
Mono glared at him, then said, “What is your name?”
“Jacques,” he replied.
“We leave at noon, Jacques. Until then, don’t bother us,” Mono ordered. “And are you a slime? ‘Cause your eyes aren’t right…”
“Yes, sir, I am, but keep it secret,” he replied. "I don't want anyone else to know."
"Okay, Jacques, will do," Mono assured him before he left.
“Alright, are we going to bring supplies?” Grub asked. “Because if we are, then we will have to bring machinery.”
“No, we are not bringing supplies,” Mono replied. “We can hunt on the way. However, if there are any medics among us, they’ll have to carry some supplies, but I’m sure we’ll end up killing some gremlin healers on the way.”
“Why don’t we go do some training now?” Alisa asked, changing the subject. “We have three hours to kill, and I could use some brushing up.”
“Alrighty, we can do that,” said Pop.
!#-^*^#!
After three hours of sparring and target practice, Mono, Pop, Grub, and Alisa rounded up the Warriors of Old in the Garrison section of Haven. Standing on a small platform above the Warriors of Old, Mono addressed them: “We are about to move out. While we are away from the official Spiral Order, my word, and that of Pop, Grub, and Alisa, shall be law. If anyone is found to be a Darkwalker spy, they shall be gunned down where they stand. Need I make myself more clear?”
There was a disjointed grumble of grunts and acknowledgements from the group that followed. Mono saw that many knights were uneasy about that, and declared, “Then let us march!”
!#-^*^-#!
After going to the eastern border of Haven, Mono addressed Ryker, who Mono thought would be suitable for the job. “How are we going to get out? We can’t just walk out the gate; the watchman will try to stop us.”
“I say we just blow down the wall,” Ryker suggested. “The sandstone is rather brittle, so we’ll only have to use three or four bombs.”
“I don’t know about that,” Mono replied. “If this wall goes down, we might not be thanked when we return, if we do. One of the leaders will probably have us executed for betraying the Spiral Order.”
“It’s a risk worth taking,” Ryker said, which convinced Mono.
Mono then stepped in front of his small army and said, “There is but one way out: to annihilate Haven’s wall!”
Many of his knights were shocked, one even shouting, “What?!”
“Does anyone have four bombs that we can use?” Mono asked, and soon after a young knight tossed him four bombs, one at a time. “Lokd,” Mono said, “You know bit about explosives, could you plant these?”
After passing the explosives off to Lokd, Mono watched as the gremlin swiftly planted the bombs, which exploded just seconds later. When the dust had cleared, Mono gazed upon the ruined wall. Bellowing, so all his troops could hear, he yelled “Chaaaarge!,” and the Warriors of Old, with him at the head, dashed out of Haven at full speed.
Sweg. Nice chapter. If u feel like I'm being a (insert massive string of swear words) than tell me
Sorry, I've had exams n' stuff, and then I just keep delaying my thoughts on the chapters.
For Chapter 4 & 5... The most I can say is that these chapters are kinda... Well... Lackluster. Introductions of characters aren't very spectacular, and the events are lining up pretty conveniently. Perhaps too conveniently (namely Ryker joining Mono so easily despite being in an apparent foul mood, and Mono being attacked right after thinking he should watch out).
The introduction with Ava was good, but... Mono lost a LUNG? I can understand that that could happen, considering he was stabbed... But... WHY?
Despite these things, I'm content in reading this. Carry on, Carbon. Carry on.
If he has a lung transplant, he needs drugs, right? I hope you see where I'm going with this, but I won't spoil it if you don't.
If he has a lung transplant, he needs drugs, right? I hope you see where I'm going with this, but I won't spoil it if you don't.
I don't think Jacques would have his secret revealed that easily, Mono can know... but no-one else can.
Chapter Six: Lumbers, Lumbers
Mono walked at the head of the Warriors of Old as they marched through the valley. They had marched five miles from Haven and many of the younger knights where getting tired. Surprisingly, an elderly knight by the name of Kaval Uribor was still going strong. He, like Mono, had one glowing eye. His eye was his only facial feature visible beneath his black and purple cloak.
As Mono walked through the valley, he noticed that the wolvers were afraid of the knights and were not acting aggressively. Mono asked Grub about it and Grub told him that Warmaster Seerus used to have an outpost in the valley, which he pointed out. Above the lush green trees of the valley walls was a concrete watchtower, and beneath it were smaller structures that were already overrun by the jungle. “Be careful,” Grub warned Mono, “The gremlins left many Lumbers in the area still active, so any one of these trees could be a sentient being.”
“That’s good to know, but why haven’t we found any yet?” Mono asked. “It seems as though we would have.”
“Another mile or so through this jungle and there will be plenty of Lumbers,” Grub explained. “Most knights that explore the surface don’t go beyond here because the forest is too… weird.”
“What do you mean by that?” Mono said. “How is it weird?”
“Phantoms have been spotted in this area,” Grub replied.
Mono made a growling sound as a wolver walked onto the trail. It looked at him with a look of fright, then scowled at him and growled back. Mono brandished his Barbarous Thorn gear, and circled the wolver. The wolver viciously attacked him, one bite at a time. Mono was able to deflect the blows with his shield, but was soon backed into a clearing.
The rest of the Warriors of Old were now watching this ferocious duel of knight and beast. Whenever the wolver would come close to biting Mono, they would gasp. Occasionally, Mono would nick the wolver’s shoulder with his rapier, but the wolver continued to attack. Eventually, Mono stabbed the canine in his right foreleg, disabling him. The poor creature lay on the ground, letting out a series of whimpers.
Mono was about to finish him off, when the Kaval knocked his sword out of his hand with a staff. The staff had a totem pole on it, which frightened Mono. He drew his gun, but when he noticed that Kaval was going to heal the wolver, he returned it to its holster.
Kaval uttered a slow chant over the wolver, whose leg healed before the eyes of the onlookers. When Kaval finished his incantation, the wolver stood up, barked at Mono, and ran back into the woods.
“What did you do?” asked Alisa, stepping forward.
“I used ancient Owlite magic to heal him,” Kaval said. “I am a Sorcerer and a Necromancer. I can reanimate and control the dead, heal injured, cure the sick, and work various Owlite magicks.”
“Are the Owlites still alive?” Mono asked. “I thought the Kats drove them to extinction.”
“The Owlite race lives on in a ruin called Cravat Hall. They frown upon my association with the undead.”
!#-^*^-#!
As Mono and his company reached the end of the valley, they encountered more hostile creatures, and a few Lumbers. The ent-like robots attacked the knights, but so far, no one had been lost.
Mono scowled as he realized he had come to a dead end. This isn’t right, he thought. There was a trail here when I returned to Haven a few days ago…
“We’re at a dead end,” Grub said. “Mono, are we going to have to clear some brush?”
“This isn’t right,” Mono replied. “I could’ve sworn I passed this way before.”
Pop then walked up beside Grub, and said, “We should be careful. These could be Lumbers, and if they are, I want to kill them. You two have been killing all resistance for too long.”
“And how are you going to do that?” Grub asked.
“Well, I could use my boosters to fly above the trees,” Pop said, “And come down on the other side of them. Once I’m there, I’ll fire off some shots with my Callahan, and the rest of the company can attack them from behind.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Mono said decisively.
Pop pressed a button on his armor, which activated his boosters, and he flew above the treetops. Mono heard one loud gunshot, and the trees activated. They moved away from Mono and the Warriors of Old, who charged their flanks. Above the bustle of the charge, Mono heard a cry of pain, and, fearing for Pop, used the hilt of his sword to dent a Lumber. The Lumber turned around, and smashed the knight behind him, who let out a dying shout.
Mono then used his shield to smash the Lumber’s processor, which shut it off. The rest of the Lumbers turned on the Warriors of Old, but soon fell, one by one. Mono ran through the wreckage and found Pop, crouched behind a tree. His right arm was broken, and his face was contorted in a grimace of pain.
Suddenly, Ava der Ärztin appeared from a tree, and said, “I see you are in need of assistance.”
“Where did you come from?” Alisa demanded as she jogged up.
“I am traveling to Xerxes’ facility, too,” Ava said. “Our paths cross here, but I may not see you for another month, or even until we reach the compound.”
“Can you help him?” Grub asked. He had arrived whilst Ava was explaining.
“Yes, I can,” she said as she pulled two vials from her pack. “Drink these. Your bone will be healed within a week.”
She handed the red vial first, which Pop drank. He immediately relaxed, as though the pain had vanished. The next vial he was handed was purple, and when he drank it, he scowled.
“Thank you for your help,” he said, but Ava had already vanished into the trees.
There are only a couple of errors within this installment, such as:
"many active Lumbers in the area still active"
or
"I can reanimate and control the dead, heal injured, and sure the sick.”
A vocabulary error caught my attention, too... The Lumbar's "computer" probably should have been "processor". But none of the errors kept me from understanding what was going on.
I'm unsure what to think about 81 knights (or 85 -- with the 4 Main Group-people combined with the 81 recruits) managing to make it out of Haven despite Feron's orders being to stay within, especially because we were introduced to Feron himself keeping tabs on everyone who had left Haven and returned in the Prologue.
I also still find your introductions lackluster. Through the first paragraph/stanza/thing, we (the readers) assume that Kaval was within the group already, as in he was recruited with the other 81 knights. Mono also seems to know him individually due to his notice within the first p/s/t -- or simply took notice of the knight; which raises the question of how he hadn't seen Kaval's staff. The conversation with Kaval seems kinda... Well... Normal, considering what he just did. I would be fine with that if he had said it "matter-of-factly" as if it was the most normal thing in the world, but there was no mention of such a nonchalant attitude. This is returned by a regular reply from Mono (" “Are the Owlites still alive?” ") despite Kaval basically saying he had leaned magic from a race which hadn't appeared in a very long time.
@Carbon
The writing itself is sufficient to keep me interested despite those uncertainties, though. I especially liked the plan to route the Lumbars, even though the conflict itself was quite short.
Note that I'm critiquing not because I want to be a pest (and I could stop critiquing, should you wish that of me), but rather because you have potential to be a good writer. Keep up the good work!
I do appreciate the critiquing, and I did fix those little typos. I'll also do a mass-edit over the weekend, and Chapter Five and/or Six will be modified (Thanks for the question, Ran-Sack!). The mass-edit will include some chapter names, since I have concluded that chapter names would enhance it a bit. Other than that, I've made a few other minor changes.
@Flame-Shinobi:
Jacques isn't going to go lying to his leader, who is going to find out sooner or later. But I have made it more clear, even though when this post was done, it hasn't.
Chapter Five: Down With The Walls has been updated, be sure to read it! It does explain how the Warriors of Old exited Haven (with a bang!), as Ember-Break pointed out. Enjoy it, and expect Chapter Seven tomorrow!
Chapter Seven: Disappearances
Shortly after Ava had disappeared, the Warriors of Old entered the darkest part of the forest: the Gloaming Wildwoods. In this strange place, there was no day, only twilight and nighttime.
Knights would often see eyes staring at them, before quickly vanishing into the trees. Rabies was present in the area, for they had seen many rabid wolvers. One of these diseased canines bit Eve Corvin, but one of the medics had a rabies shot at hand. Occasionally, the roar of a Snarbolax could be heard, although none had been seen.
The Warriors of Old were deep within the Gloaming Wildwoods when nighttime came. Mono called to his company, “We will set up camp in the next clearing!”
When they arrived at a clearing, everyone either slept in a sleeping bag, or on the ground. Many knights chose not to bring sleeping bags, as the Gloaming Wildwoods were in a tropical environment.
Mono surveyed the Warriors of Old, feeling a deep sense of pride. He and his friends had amassed a force large enough to destroy Xerxes’ facility and eliminate the presence of Compound 01. Mono then pondered what would happen when the facility was destroyed. Herex and Seerus would have attacked Haven by then, and the Spiral Order could be destroyed. If Haven fell, his men would be the last alive.
After brooding about their mission, Mono fell asleep.
!#-^*^-#!
Gilly woke up in the middle of the night, restless. He wanted to walk in the forest, but was nervous.
Gilly was a young bomber with light green eyes and dark brown hair. He wore a Fused Demo suit and helmet, with twenty bombs on his belt at all times. These explosives gave him the courage to explore the Gloaming Wildwoods at night.
Gilly stood up, and slowly walked out of the camp. He chose to walk down a side trail, and, after ten minutes, decided to go back to camp. Gilly heard a growling behind him, but thought nothing of it. As the growling intensified, his heart started pounding.
He walked faster, but did not run. If I get back to camp before this thing attacks me, I’ll be okay, he thought.
Gilly thought he saw six red eyes staring at him from the trees, but shook the idea out of his head. As wolvers howled around him, his fright became terror. Over the wolvers’ yelps and howls, was a bellowing roar. Gilly knew that only a fully grown Snarbolax could produce such a sound, and broke out into a run.
He slowed down as he neared the camp, for he thought he was safe. Gilly cautiously approached the camp, so as to not disturb anyone.
Just as he reached the end of the trail, he felt something grab the back of his armor. Gilly turned around to punch it, but instead, the monster bit his arm off. He gasped as his severed limb flew from the Snarbolax’s mouth, who was more intent on his body than his arm.
Sinking his teeth into Gilly, the Snarbolax shook him, splattering blood everywhere. When the predator was certain that its prey was dead, it slinked off into the Gloaming Wildwoods to devour the dead knight.
!#-^*^-#!
Mono’s sleep had been disturbed by a racket from the forest, but he had not even opened his eyes to find out what the noise was.
When he awoke, he felt something lying on top of his blanket. When he summoned the energy to sit up and find out what it was, he gasp. On his bed lay a severed arm. Mono bolted up, and looked around the camp until he saw traces of blood splattered about one of the exits.
Mono shouted to the camp, “Everyone! Something has taken one of us!”
The reaction to this from the Warriors of Old was, in general, one of shock and horror. “What happened? Who died? Where is Gilly?” they asked.
“Everyone!” Mono yelled, trying to calm them down. “Someone was taken last night by a beast of these woods. From what I have seen, it was a Snarbolax. Do any of you know if someone is gone?”
Jacques stood up, and cried, “My friend, Gilly, is gone. He was a bomber who used Fused Demo gear.”
“Gilly, you say?” Mono asked. “I found scraps of green armor over here, so it was probably him. Is anyone else missing?”
After doing a quick head-count, Alisa confirmed that everyone else was present. “What should we do?” she asked. “Do we bury the arm and make a small grave?”
"No," Grub asserted. "We should at least to try to find the other remains."
"But what if the search groups encounter more Snarbolaxes?" Ryker asked. "We can't have anyone else getting killed."
"How about the recons go out on their own so they won't be spotted?" Alisa suggested.
The Warriors of Old generally agreed with her, and Alisa, and nine other recons set out into the woods in search of Gilly.
!#-^*^-#!
Two hours after Alisa and the others returned, the party was discussing what to do.
"The recons and I have covered all of the territory within a one mile radius," Alisa reported. "If he lost his arm, and all of that blood, he wouldn't get farther than that. He is now officially deceased."
Jacques was still distressed about the loss of his friend, and said, "We can't give up. He has to be out there somewhere."
"I'm sorry," Alisa said, trying not to sound too harsh, "But the odds of him being alive are too slim for us to spend precious time. If we continue to search for him, we could be searching forever, and we might not stop Xerxes from destroying Haven."
"Now," Mono asked, "What are we going to do? His death has been confirmed, to the extent that we can manage, and we have to get on our way."
“We ought to bury the arm and mark the grave where he died,” a knight suggested.
The group agreed, almost unanimously, with he exception of Kaval, who wanted to try to reanimate Gilly. Everyone, even Jacques, questioned the moral of this, and, as Grub, "The dead ought to stay dead, and the living ought to stay living."
The solemn procession that followed was not typical of the Spiral Order. Normally, when Isorans laid their dead to rest, they would have an elaborate ceremony, with formal armor and weapons. A funeral typically involved many long speeches, but Gilly’s funeral was a field burial, and only Jacques and one other knight knew him well.
After Gilly’s remains had been laid to rest, the Warriors of Old continued to march through the forest, more cautious than ever before.
(OOC: Hey! People! Feedbag on Chapter Seven and Eight is appreciated!)
Chapter Eight: The Belly of the Beast
Two days had passed since Gilly had been killed. Snarbolax sightings were becoming all the more prevalent, and a rabid one had tried to attack the group, only to be met with a rain of bullets.
A three-eyed phantom had attack a young recruit named Ven Kumonai. Ven was able to ward off the wraith, using two Cobalt Nightblades. Although the phantom’s Gran Faust had broken his left shin, he was still able to walk using a pair of branches.
The Warriors of Old were in the darkest part of the Gloaming Wildwoods when Mono heard a faint, ominous growling. He whispered to Alisa, “Do you hear that growling, too?”
Alisa nodded, and Mono sheathed his sword in favor of his Gilded Griffin. He hunched down, and held his gun ready to fire. He signaled for the rest of his company to do the same, and they silently continued into the forest. Mono noticed that Jacques was trembling and looking anxiously into the trees. Dropping back, he addressed Jacques, “Don’t worry. Healthy Snarbolaxes have never attacked large groups of knights.”
“I know... But…” Jacques stammered, “I just can’t stand animals.”
“If it makes you feel safer, go to the middle of the group,” Mono advised, before returning to the head of the party.
After a few more minutes of silence, Mono decided that the danger was gone, and everyone relaxed. Alisa, Grub, Pop, and Mono soon fell into a conversation about fighting tactics. Pop argued that the best way to fight with guns was to shoot down on enemies from the air, while Mono and Alisa prefered to take cover behind a tree or a corner. Grub thought that air gunning would work better, but viewed it as rather impractical. Ankle and shoulder boosts were expensive to install.
The friend’s discussion kept them busy, until the party came across a den with a mother Snarbolax and ten cubs. As nocturnal hunters, the Snarbolaxes slept most of the day. The mother was about forty feet long, but the largest cub was less that seven feet long. Mono stopped suddenly, and there was much confusion among his company. The bustling awoke the mother Snarbolax, who leaped in front of her cubs and growled. Kaval Uribor, who had been right behind Mono for most of the day, uttered a few words in a language no one seemed to understand.
When the Snarbolax heard Kaval, she back away, and seemed to herd her confused cubs away from the knights. The knights looked at Kaval incredulously, and he responded with a simple shrug.
After walking another few miles the forest became brighter, and the Warriors of Old left the Gloaming Wildwoods. Mono watched Kaval suspiciously, for he did not trust any knights affiliated with magic. Once in a while, he would disappear, but Mono did not bother to track him down, because if he could subdue an angry mother Snarbolax, he was almost invincible.
Kaval also seemed to be near the phantom whenever it was seen, and Mono thought he was whispering to it. He heard the name "Dini," but thought nothing of it. Kaval could have been placing spells, for all he knew.
Three days of marching made the Warriors of Old weary, and many were slowing down. They had crossed almost one hundred and fifty miles so far. Mono decided to call for a rest. “If you need water, there is a stream nearby, and we can hunt birds and wolvers for food.”
After he returned to the small clearing with a field-dressed wolver in a fabric bag slung over his shoulder, he saw that the knights were holding a small feast. Mono tied the carcass onto a large stick and prepared to roast it over a fire. There were, so far, eleven wolvers roasting, with the delicious smell of various spices and herbs. Mono sat down and examined the food. The only spice Mono knew was rosemary. He had used it to add flavor to wolver meat during his roaming of the surface.
Alisa, Pop, and Grub sat down next to him. Pop said to Mono, “Have you taken the medicine Ava gave you?”
Mono suddenly remembered that he hadn’t taken his medications for his lung, and quickly swallowed three of the orange pills. “Thanks for reminding me,” he said to Pop, and then, addressing the others, said, “Who put the spices on the wolver meat? I would like to learn how to do that, since we have a long trek ahead of us.”
“I did,” Alisa answered. “I worked for Biscotti for two months before Eve joined our squad. Pop worked as an assistant gunsmith with Zelich, and Grub did some field work with Feron. He was there when Feron broke his back.”
“So that’s what you were up to before I returned,” Mono said. “I thought you just went right back into action.”
!#-^*^-#!
Later that night, Mono awoke to a subtle noise. He saw a lone knight leave the camp, but the figure suddenly vanished. He thought he was hallucinating from sleep deprivation, and quickly fell back into a deep slumber.
Ch. 7:
I can't help but notice that the contemplation during Chapter seven (that "Herex and Seerus would have attacked Haven by then, and the Spiral Order could be destroyed. If Haven fell, his men would be the last alive") is a bit of a Big deal. In fact, I kind of wish that, if I could go back in time, you'd have gathered the Warriors of Old, assisted in the defending of Haven against said forces, and then went on the mission with the full support of the Spiral Order (as the WoO would have gained the trust of the SO by lending a hand in their time of need). But I can't go back in time. Still, I think something should have been done about that.
Introductions are, once again, kind of Lackluster. The one for Gilly is good, because you mention his features without simply giving a blatant description; mentioning his bombs giving him "the courage to explore the Gloaming Wildwoods at night" was a good stylistic choice, because it connects his description with what he was about to do. He has confidence in his bombing capabilities, so he find the courage to go out into the forest.
Unfortunately, Gilly dies. So the description itself, despite being a good one, is basically meaningless. In fact, considering the amount of description you gave him in comparison to Application descriptions (which were detailed within the Applications themselves), I wonder whether it's "fair" for the characters to be interpreted and described so shortly. The App characters are alive, yet the non-app character that dies within the chapter has a greater amount of attention put into his character -- including how he reacts to his time out of the camp: that "his fright became terror" when he heard the beasts within the forest.
I think the whole scene with Gilly was a good one, with a relative loss of error. The only questions I would ask of it would be "Why did he want to walk into the forest in the middle of the night with no company, exactly?".
I also have a problem with the burial. If someone goes missing in a group, even if you find a severed arm, wouldn't you make some sort of search for the guy? Why was it recommended to just "bury the arm and make a small grave" so soon after his disappearance was discovered?
The search wouldn't have to yield any results, but usually you'd hold onto the chance that you could save a comrade BEFORE writing him off as dead and burying his limb. Simply saying that "A research squad was sent out, but after an hour of searching, no traces were found. With heavy hearts, the knight's arm was buried in the place it was found" would have sufficed.
~~~
Ch. 8:
The conflict involving Ven and Dini was... Way too short. I can handle a Rabid Snarbolax being met with a "rain of bullets" because of the "more prevalent" sightings of Snarbolaxes (I personally think "frequent" would have been better there, but I digress); but Dini is a Three Eyed Phantom. Wouldn't the sighting of such an oddity be worth more than 2 lines + a couple words? The conflict and introduction of Dini could have been done a lot better -- which is, once again, a Character Introduction problem. More detail -- more "Showing", not just "Telling", is needed.
Also, if conflict had "broken his left shin," even if Ven is a cyborg, he shouldn't be able to "walk without assistance". A broken limb is still a broken limb -- prosthetic or not. You could say that he repaired it, and was able to walk on his own soon afterwards, but not that he'd be able to just keep going despite a broken limb.
Mentioning that "just can’t stand animals" was good implementation of Character information, and considering the situation surrounding the dialogue, it would make sense to keep it short. So I commend you for that.
Small talk is nice. I see no problems with it, and it allows a sleight break from the terrors the forest seems to constantly present. When stumbling upon the mother Snarbolax and her cubs, however... You do something completely unexpected. How did Kaval make the Snarbolax go away with her cubs? He's a Necromancer, not a Druid. His powers are for reanimation and control of Undead creatures, so the notion that he would be able to make the Snarbolax recede back into the forest is completely out of left field. I understand that you can manipulate the characters, and that it's possible that you added a hidden explination as to how he achieved the Snarbolax-speak -- an explanation which you will likely explain in further chapters. If you plan on explaining it, then I am fine with this development. If not, I recommend a revision to the event and/or a short comment on how Kaval tamed the beast.
When we are given Dini's name, there isn't a specific event mentioned. He just... Introduces himself. Why? Was that all he came for? After fighting Ven, the phantom just reappears and tells the group his name? Also, why does no one in the group try to vanquish him? Add in a reason for why Dini reappeared, or at least a more descriptive scene to show him reappearing -- otherwise the event is just too short for much notice to be given to it. Details lost in why the group wouldn't attack him results in the loss of potential character details for Dini (For example, if you had said that they didn't approach him because Dini seemed strong (and that is an extremely simple example), then we would learn that Dini is "strong").
For the final bits, I actually enjoyed it in a neutral sense. The descriptions don't stand out a huge amount, but they kept my attention. I have a sleight problem with the last piece of dialogue: that Mono "thought [his teammates] just went right back into action". I don't have a problem with the fact that he said it -- that's completely fine. But a reaction would have been nice to have to that statement. If his teammates were waiting for him all this time, wouldn't they say something along the lines of: "After you became stranded in the clockworks, there was no way we could go back in without you! Not that soon after you went missing... After a while, we had to follow orders, but we knew it'd never be the same without you!" (Note that this is just an example, and the dialogue itself should be changed from this if this suggestion will be used).
There's a good hint of foreshadowing at the end, which I appreciate; but why would Mono think he was hallucinating? There is no reason supplied for it, so I can't help but wonder if there is a reason he thought he was hallucinating. I'd recommend adding in a reason, like Mono thinking that it was an effect of the Lung-Medication or something.
Once again, I must state that despite my reviews probably coming off as "harsh", I only write them for growth in Writing.
@Carbon
Side Note: I've been studying for exams lately, so sitting down and writing a review would take a bit more time than I had on my hands. Reviews are, in many ways, more time consuming than things like RP's.
Even if I don't write a review or leave any note of me reading the chapter, know that I am reading. If you get inactive because people don't respond, I'll pester you 'till this thread goes to the Graveyard.
Yeah, I think there should be some sort of flashback involving Dini because that was kinda vague... BUT YAY! MY CHARACTER!
@Ember Remember how he said Kaval would have a little friend at the beginning? His little friend is a Snarbolax.
@Carbon AM I RIGHT??
@Saucce: First off, since you are easier to address, you are not right, but Chapters Nine and Ten will explain that, and Elven will be really epic.
@Ember: Most likely, unless you are some sort of psychic, by the time you read this, I will have tweaked some things. And with the hallucination thingy? I know someone who had two hours of sleep in two days and saw a purple dragon. A FREAKING PURPLE DRAGON. Okay, now I'll add that in there. :P Also, I'll try to make Ven's official introduction better than the last few. And Dini isn't done yet, I was doing an early introduction, as he will also be mentioned, and in, Chapters Nine and Ten. But I'll patch that up too.
@All Who Read This: I greatly appreciate that people read this and enjoy it, even though I'm a first-timey and I am not an experienced writer. Thank you!
Chapter Nine: The Spy
Xerxes paced back and forth across the room, his dark red robes trailing behind him. The gremlin with the information should be here by now, he thought.
A young red-eyed gremlin entered the room quietly, and said, “Sir, information from the spies will be late today. We’re having problems with the communication system.”
“Problems?!” Xerxes yelled, his blue eyes suddenly aflame with anger. “If you are having problems, then why don’t you fix them?”
“I’m sorry, sir,” the gremlin replied. “But we’re trying our hardest!”
Xerxes’ then marched up to the gremlin, who backed off cautiously. He grabbed the gremlin by the neck and hoisted him into the air. The young gremlin begged to him, but Xerxes’ would not listen. He suddenly twisted the gremlin’s neck, and a loud crack was heard, as the servant fell limp. Xerxes tossed the body to one of his guards and snapped, “Get this corpse out of my sight!”
Xerxes continued to glare at the servant, but his eyes had lost their fire. Although he was large, many gremlins had teased him because the color of his eyes. Among the gremlin society, blue eyes were considered peaceful. Xerxes was the first gremlin in recent times with blue eyes to achieved greatness.
Xerxes overheard one of his guards say into his helm mounted microphone, “Okay, I will tell Lord Xerxes.”
“What is it?” Xerxes asked him, calmly. “Is Aelston here yet?”
“Yes, sir, he is,” the guard replied, “And he brought a robot who assists him on the battlefield.”
Just as Xerxes was about to say something to the guard, the door to the hall opened, revealing a robot, with the name “Mark-LS5” on his head, which resembled that of a Retrode. A sniper rifle was slung across his back, with a small pistol in his belt. It said, “Greetings, Lord Xerxes. King Tinkinzar has sent Aelston and myself to assist you against the knights.”
“Where is Aelston?” Xerxes asked. “I was told he would be here.”
“I am here,” a voice said behind him, and Xerxes thought he heard suppressed laughter.
“Aelston, that is a wonderful demonstration of your skills, but you will need to be visible if you want to keep you life.”
“I already uncloaked,” Aelston replied.
“Then where are you?” Xerxes demanded, his fiery wrath beginning to take hold. “If you are playing more tricks on me, I will have you killed.”
“I’m right above you,” Aelston answered mischievously. “You have some wonderful climbing rafters.”
“So you’re a monkey as well as a bomber, a Ghostmane, and a sniper?” Xerxes asked, sarcastically.
“One could say that,” Aelston replied, as he lowered himself to the ground. In one hand he held a large sniper rifle, and in the other was a cable motor with a hook hanging on a beam near the ceiling of the hall. When he landed on the ground, he aimed his rifle and shot the beam, making the hook fall to the floor. The gun fired a blue laser, similar to the ones fired by Roarmulus machines.
“Not a bad gun,” Xerxes commented calmly, “But please refrain from shooting my hall. I don’t know what Tinkinzar lets you get up to, but I will not tolerate it.”
Aelston glanced nervously at Mark-LS5 as he realized the sinister meaning in Xerxes’ words. “So, why have we been summoned?” Aelston asked Xerxes.
“My Darkwalker spies have sent information about an Isoran knight named Mono,” Xerxes informed him. “This particular warrior might only have a small band of Isorans, but, according to my spies, he is a cunning and daring leader and his group’s talents are broad, so he may be a threat.”
“And do you wish Mark-LS5 and I to eliminate him?” Aelston asked. “I am a fabled assassin of the Clockworks.”
“I do not think you should eliminate him yet,” Xerxes said. “Mono’s ragtag group of knights are about two thousand miles away.”
Aelston was about to offer a suggestion, but was cut off when a gremlin servant entered the room. The servant reported to Xerxes, “Ryker and Kaval have sent more information about the Warriors of Old. They are moving rapidly through light forests near the planet’s equator, and, according to Kaval, they are approaching Cravat Hall, the home of the last surviving Owlites.”
“Is there anything else?” Xerxes asked the servant, who was very nervous.
“Yes, sir, there is,” the young gremlin said. “According to Kaval, Ryker is leaning to the side of Mono and the Warriors of Old. Kaval believes that he might betray our cause.
“Send word to Kaval to keep an eye on Ryker,” Xerxes decided. “If Ryker is a traitor, then he will receive swift justice.”
After the servant left the room, Aelston addressed Xerxes, “So… Do you want me to assassinate Ryker if he betrays our pact?”
“Yes,” Xerxes ordered. “You and Mark-LS5 can serve as extra spies, and assassins.”
“Then I had best be gone,” Aelston said, before he suddenly vanished into thin air. Near the door, he tripped over his black cloak, and became visible. When he realized this, he turned on his shield, which made him invisible again, picked up his cloak, and followed Mark-LS5 out of Xerxes’ throne room.
This was the second post of Chapter 8, which I accidentally double-posted, but I guess now I just have to ask for feedbag!
Kills dude because he has high expectations.
The second whom he should have higher expectations trolls for two seconds. Let's him off with warning.
Besides, that, I'm surprised they haven't caught wind of Ava's efforts to save Mono and his group members on multiple occasions. Just because she's insanely good doesn't mean she is perfect (well, perfect is impossible for even the best, I should hope).
Anywho, just passing by to say I'm still enjoying every chap you put out there. It's a break from having to look at so many RPs gone awry ^-^
Didn't u say dini would have some sort of introduction thing here? Or was it later? I think I'll rate this..... 5/5 tortodrone heads and 123456789/123456789 buckets of Snarbospit
This chapter's good, m8. By centering the chapter around Xerxes, we got to see a bit of character from an Antagonist, while keeping Mark-LS5 and Aelston as "subordinate characters". They gained descriptions as well, which were nicely short, because it reflects the fact that this is in fact, a chapter around Xerxes, who does not need to take in every single detail of his subordinates.
Giving info about the traitors in the group is nice to see as a reader as well, along with the current position of the group. I appreciated that.
Lastly, you had a bit of comedy involved (i.e Aelston tripping on his cloak and becoming visible), which is great!
I give you 4 Vog Tails out of 2 Lumbar Legs for this chapter. Keep up the good work!
Aahhh, see Aelston and Mark-LS5 have made their first appearances.
Love the way you're portraying Aelston's penchant for japery, even in the face of a superior. I was literally grinning the entire time while I was reading this chapter, no joke. I found that one line about the rafters to be excessively funny for some reason.
Not too good at giving out criticism, so the best I can do is praise. Really am loving this story so far, even if this is my first time commenting so.
I look forward to future installments with anticipation :3
Chapter Ten: Treachery
Kaval Uribor sat up quietly and surveyed the camp. Once he was certain everyone else was asleep, he stood up, and slowly crept out of camp. Two days before, Ryker had warned him that Mono had seen him leave, and was being careful about who left the camp at night.
Kaval sneaked through the forest until he saw three purple eyes. “Dini!” he whispered. “Come! We must meet with Guraeth.”
Dini stepped out of the woods, silently. Dini’s Gran Faust bashed against a rock, causing the mighty sword to ring. Kaval quickly glanced back towards the camp, and thought he saw a single glowing green dot, but it immediately disappeared.
Kaval and Dini walked through a small game trail, but neither could identify the animal that used it. Using his necromancy abilities, Kaval summoned three more wraiths. With eleven eyes on the watch, any knights that followed them were sure to be spotted.
The phantoms and the necromancer then entered a large, rocky canyon. There were carvings and small caves on the sides of the canyon. In the middle was a flowing stream, with crystal clear water.
Kaval approached the cliff, and placed a small red stone on an indentation. Suddenly, a rock slid towards down the side of a cliff, and the silhouette of a gremlin was visible on the cliff. The silhouette beckoned Kaval to climb to the top.
Using indentations as footholds, Kaval was able to scale the cliff quickly. “Guraeth,” he asked. “Why did you make that rock thing? And why did I have to climb the cliff?”
“No one is going to know how to activate that device, which I designed to sleep at night,” Guraeth explained. “It’s a type of alarm clock. And I chose this cliff because it is easy to climb, but no knights would look up here.”
“You never cease to surprise me, Guraeth,” Kaval said to him. “Anyway… Mono and his knights are going to go through Cravat Hall, and the Owlites that live there will be most angry to see me, considering my association with the undead.”
“That’s not good,” Guraeth responded. “How are we going to get you through there?”
“I can raise an army of undead to wipe out the Owlites,” Kaval suggested.
“No, that won’t work. Mono would be skeptical, and would keep a closer eye on you.”
“You could order a group of gremlins to ransack the hall.”
“We’d get caught,” Guraeth countered. “You could, however, go around the hall, and just disappear for a while.”
“That’s a little risky, but we can try it,” Kaval said. “Oh, I forgot to tell you something. Ryker has been acting odd, and I don’t think he can cope with betraying Mono and the others.”
“What do you mean by that, my friend?” Guraeth asked.
“I don’t think Ryker is on our side anymore,” Kaval replied. “He has already betrayed the Darkwalkers or is going to in the next few days.”
“I will relay this to Xerxes,” Guraeth said. He looked to the cliff and told Kaval, “I will return to my outpost.” Guraeth then ran toward the cliff, and jumped to the wall on the other side of the canyon, twenty-five feet away.
This feat impressed Kaval, as he did not realize that Guraeth was a gymnast gremlin. After he climbed down the cliff, Kaval bid three of his wraiths farewell, and he and Dini walked back to camp. The whole time, Kaval felt as though his every movement was being watched, but saw nothing.
When he arrived at the camp, everyone was asleep, just as they were when he left. He silently walked to his sleeping bag, and fell asleep.
!#-^*^-#!
When Mono woke up, he was extremely tired. He had been up all night, and was infuriated by one of his knight’s treachery. Mono glanced at the small clock he kept with him, and saw that it was just after six o’clock in the morning. Normally, the camp awoke at seven, and was on the march by eight and would walk in the darkness of night.
Mono grabbed his Gilded Griffin, and loaded it with six rounds. He stood up, and holstered his gun. After he located Kaval, he drew his gun, and aimed it in the air. He fired the gun six times.
Chaos ensued in the camp, as the knights were startled. Almost everyone had a weapon in their hands, ready to use. Many knights were shouting, and occasionally they would shoot guns into the air. Mono yelled over the commotion, “Silence!”
After Mono had the knights’ attention, he began to pace back and forth in front of the camp, reloading his gun. “My fellow Warriors of Old, there is a traitor in our midst. Who is it?” he asked rhetorically. “One of you left the camp last night. You did not leave the camp for any honest reason. You left to betray us.”
This news caused many warriors to whisper to each other, suggesting theories as to who it was. Mono said, “One of you spoke to a gremlin and told them some valuable information. Three nights ago, one of you left camp. I thought I was hallucinating, but what I saw last night confirmed a theory that I wanted to suppress.
“The Darkwalkers have spies among us, and as I said before we left,” Mono smiled devilishly as he said this, “My word is law. If you betray me, I will personally kill you.”
He turned to the right part of the camp, so that Kaval Uribor was just out of his field of view. By this time, his Gilded Griffin was in its holster, and Mono grabbed it and said, “One of you shall be killed by this. Who will it be?”
He turned to look at the left side of the camp, and surveyed the camp. Mono’s eye rested on Kaval, but he quickly returned his gun to his holster, and turned to the right side of the camp. Addressing the camp once more, he said, “I believe I know who shall fall to my gun.”
In one motion, Mono drew his gun, twisted his body, and pulled the trigger, sending a bullet straight towards the center of Kaval’s forehead.
I don't have any real problems with this chapter beyond some logic-stuff. When Kaval suggests to simply wipe out the Owlites, a more sarcastic answer would have had greater effect. Nevermind "skeptical", the fact that an undead hoard would kill the Owlites would place the blame right on the necromancer! But, well, that's just dialogue -- and the way Guraeth responded may have just been a way of building his character. If it wasn't then... That's my suggestion.
Time stamps would be nice... But you implemented them in dialogue, so it was easy enough to understand that three days had passed since Part 8. We're lead to believe that the first part of Ch. 10 is also on that day, and that the green dot disappearing was Mono when he woke up and thought he was hallucinating.
But then how would Mono catch wind of Kaval's treachery? Did he suspect something after all, and confide with his friends? Did he take up a secret watch every night to monitor the grounds? These things may be answered in future chapters, but it may be more effective to add in a short explination in this chapter. Explaining that after he had woken up that one night, something felt wrong and that he had discovered Kaval's betrayal (this is paraphrasing -- but it would be something along those lines if used in this chapter) would work. For now, we're left with knowing Mono somehow found out Kaval was betraying the group, and somehow was undiscovered when doing so, and those "somehow" 's can be used for a great deal of detail.
Other than that, I like the way Mono moves about the camp, and how he addresses the problem. It gives him a "prison warden" sort of feel as he addresses his guild mates. That feeling is quite refreshing.
Looking forward to the next part!
I think that Kaval shouldn't be that easy to kill. He's a frickin necromancer
Chapter 10 takes place two nights after Chapter 8, so that dot was not Mono waking up, Mono was following him. I'll make sure I make that more clear...
@Saucce: Tell me... Where in Chapter Ten does it say that the bullet actually hit Kaval? This is a cliffhanger, bro. It might or might not have hit him.
Chapter Eleven: The Necromancer
The bullet would have gone through Kaval’s forehead, but, using magic, he created a temporary arcane barrier, which caused the bullet to disintegrate. Chaos ensued in the camp once more. Knights everywhere were clamoring about trying to attack Kaval. From the center of the madness, Kaval was waving his staff and shouting what seemed to be incantations. His whole body glowed purple from the dark magic.
Mono watched this scene, trying to figure out what to do. Kaval’s magic had already killed three knights, and zombies were appearing from the trees. At their head was the three-eyed phantom, Dini. Mono yelled to everyone, “Retreat!”
Unfortunately, the Warriors of Old were too engaged in the battle to notice him. Mono then drew his sword, picked up his shield, and charged into combat, because he knew there was no other way.
Dini and the zombies had converged and were forming a wall around Kaval, who was still shouting out incantations.
When Mono reached the center of the camp where Kaval was, a zombie tried to jump on him. It’s frail legs gave way when Mono smashed them with his shield. The zombie reached its arm out, which Mono sliced off, and in one motion, drove his rapier straight through its head, stopping it forever.
The knights had already taken down most of the zombies, but Dini and Kaval were still fighting, back to back. Kaval had given up using magic, and was fighting with his staff. Mono approached him from the side, but Dini turned around and thrust his Gran Faust at him. The Gran Faust missed Mono by an inch, as he dodged the deadly weapon.
Dini swung again, this time knocking Mono’s shield out of his hand. Mono tried to return a blow, but his sword was stopped by Dini’s light armor. The phantom then swung his sword straight into Mono’s arm, breaking it. Dini stabbed at Mono’s chest, but Mono was able to back out of the way.
When he backed up, Mono tripped over a rock, and fell onto the ground. Just as Dini was about to finish Mono off, a bolt of lightning fried the phantom. Oddly, the lightning had not come from the sky, but from Ryker, who was standing behind Mono.
Although the shock did not kill Dini, it weakened him, forcing him to retreat. Mono then thanked Ryker, who helped him up. Ryker said, pointing to a tree, “Mono, go over to that tree, I’ll send someone over to help. Grub! Come on over here, Mono is injured!”
Mono sat down, and Grub soon came over to him. Grub said, “Dini did this to you?”
“Yeah,” Mono replied. “Could you put this in a splint?”
“Sure thing,” Grub said, as he began to get his supplies ready.
Mono watched the battle to divert his attention from the pain. Ryker was facing Kaval, and every time he landed a blow on the necromancer, Ryker’s Voltedge sent a shock through the necromancer. Using the bottom of his staff, Kaval knocked the Voltedge out of Ryker’s hand, and hit the knight in the forehead. Ryker backed off, letting another knight try to fight the necromancer.
Kaval was fighting three knights at once, but few were able to land any blows. Ryker grabbed and sheathed his Voltedge. Ryker was ten yards from Kaval, and Mono shouted to him, “Use your gun, Ryker!”
Ryker heard him, and pulled his Polaris rifle off of his back. He ran toward Kaval, and when he was three yards away, lifted his Polaris rifle and fired a shot which killed Kaval instantly.
When Kaval’s body hit the ground, everyone was silent, except Ryker, who said, “And tell Xerxes he can consider this my two weeks notice.”
The Warriors of Old looked at Ryker incredulously, and Eve Corvin started clapping. Soon, the entire company of knights clapped for him. He tried to be humble, but he was as elated as they.
Mono thought to himself, Kaval was right. Ryker did betray them, and I ought to congratulate him, but I can’t do it with everyone watching…
!#-^*^-#!
After the Warriors of Old laid their dead to rest, for they had lost four knights in the battle, Ryker approached Mono, and said, “Sir… I was once a Darkwalker like Kaval, but you unknowingly helped me cast off the evil within me.”
“I realize that,” Mono told him. “Last night, I heard Kaval tell Guraeth that you were acting odd and would most likely betray the Darkwalkers.”
“Really?” Ryker asked. “Why didn’t you gun me down like you tried to gun down Kaval?”
“As I said,” Mono replied, “You were likely to betray them, and I need every knight possible, and especially those with your skill. You showed valor today, and you might be one of our most deadly warriors. You defeated Dini, and killed Kaval.”
“Thank you, Mono,” Ryker said, humbly.
Addressing the entire camp, Mono yelled, “Now, we must get moving and leave this accursed place!”
The Warriors of Old agreed with him, and quickly marched out of camp.
WOW! That was an awesome crazy chapter! But Dini didn't use his teleport D: FEEDBAG TIME. Why can only electricity harm Kaval? I think you should edit and make it so that theres something that implies Mono was watching. I won't to as good feedbag as Ember, but I will do some meager suggestions. DAMMIT I SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED DINI'S SPEECH CAPABILITIES. He can talk. This is my last major post this weekend gTG
Dini will come up again, no worries, and I kinda guessed he could talk. :P As for Kaval? Remember, he's one heck of a fighter, and can use Owlite magicks. He might reappear, as I have some plans for Cravat Hall. :D
(OOC: I was going to make this longer, but I have a life outside of SK, so I decided to make it shorter. It is still pretty lengthy though. Also, please note that the Language of the Scholars is Latin, as scientific names are done in Latin. Lastly, Owlites are basically talking owls with talons on their wings, similar to dragons, and can work various magicks. Here's my rough, okay, terrible, representation of Owlites: https://docs.google.com/drawings/d/1VWdL8n1uICFUomwnl4k4MGQiS3CDf97yMffn... And a final EDIT: Thanks Ran-Sack (creator of Ryker) for suggesting the betting scene! :D)
Chapter Twelve: Cravat Hall
Mono was walking alongside Alisa and Grub when Cravat Hall came into view. Cravat Hall was a large keep built atop a plain hill, surrounded by dense jungle. On the west side of the fortress was a watchtower with a pointed roof. The keep’s walls were of a red sandstone. Mono thought he glimpsed several birds flying above the fortress.
Alisa asked him, “Is that Cravat Hall?”
“I do believe it is,” Mono replied. “But there’s smoke on the west side of it…”
“That’s not normal smoke,” Grub said, sniffing the air. “Gremlins!”
“Should we go help them?” Alisa asked. “I’m sure the Owlites will help us in return.”
“I see no point in not doing so,” Grub grumbled.
“It’s decided then,” Mono told his friends. Addressing the Warriors of Old, he said, “We are approaching the Owlite fortress Cravat Hall! The castle is under siege by gremlin forces right now, and we are going to stop them!”
Some of the knights seemed reluctant to engage in combat once again, as four of them had died two days before. Ven Kumonai piped up over the groaning, “We’re rusty and we could use the practice!”
Most of the knights agreed with him, but a few gave angry glares. Pop, who had been chatting with Ryker, jogged to the front, and said to the Warriors of Old, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend. A well worn phrase, but very true. This makes the Owlites our friends, and we must protect them as we would our friends.”
“Alright then,” Mono said, “Charge!”
The eighty warriors then ran along the forest trail to the keep. When the Warriors of Old were fifty yards from the fortress, a large horned owl landed in front of them, and said, “Stop! Who are you, and why have you come to destroy Cravat Hall?”
“We are the Warriors of Old,” Pop told the mysterious creature. “Most of us belong to the Spiral Order, except Lokd and maybe a couple others. And what exactly are you?”
“I am an Owlite,” the bird said. “My name is Custos Oriente, and it means ‘Guardian of the East’ in the Language of Scholars. What is your business here?”
“We are traveling through this area on our way to destroy the gremlin Xerxes,” Mono told the Owlite. “We saw the attack on your fortress, and would like to help defend this mighty keep.”
“On behalf of my species, I thank you, but I am afraid there is nothing you can do to stop the fall of Cravat Hall,” Custos Oriente said. “The western half has fallen to the gremlins, and they push farther and farther every minute.”
“We shall do our best,” Mono promised him. He signaled to his soldiers to follow him, and ran to the hill where the keep was built. As he charged underneath the portcullis and up the staircase to the battlements, Mono thought to himself, Did that Owlite have talons on the ends of his wings? I guess that’s how they write.
Once the Warriors of Old were on the battlements, Mono said to everyone, “We’ll fight in groups of four!”
Ryker and Ven approached him. Oddly, Ryker’s armor made no sound, but Ven’s Solid Cobalt armor was creating a clamor. Mono ruled out the possibility of a recon squad, and gazed among the people who had not found a group yet. Lokd was one of the last warriors remaining, so Mono called him over.
“So,” Lokd said, “Who’s in charge?”
Ven and Ryker looked to Mono, and he responded, “Well, I guess I’m in charge. I think we ought to get into the gremlin-controlled part of the fortress and flush them out. What about you?”
Ryker, Ven, and Lokd all agreed with him, and they walked down the stairs and into the halls. Upon the walls were scarlet tapestries, with ornate crimson rugs on the floor. Five dead gremlins were down the hall from the group, with one just barely alive seven feet away. Lokd walked up to the dying creature and smashed its head with his hammer.
Suddenly, a Ghostmane Stalker snuck up behind Ryker and tried to kill him, but he was stopped by Ryker’s Voltedge. Mono quickly sheathed his sword and drew his Gilded Griffin. He motioned to the others to be quiet, and he crept up to a corner. Mono slowly looked around the corner, and saw a library. Three gremlins had a young Owlite pinned on the floor.
The Owlite was trying to claw at the gremlins with all four sets of talons, but he could not reach them. Mono turned around, and signaled to Ryker, who also had a gun, to help him shoot the gremlins. When they fired, two gremlins fell to the floor and the Owlite was able to stand up.
The third gremlin tried to smash the bird with his hammer, but the Owlite was out of reach on a bookshelf. Ven Kumonai marched up to the gremlin with his dual katanas unsheathed and said, “Goodbye.”
The gremlin turned around quickly, for he had not seen Ven, but was too late. Ven had already sliced the gremlin in three.
Nervously, the Owlite said, “Thank you, strangers. Are you Isoran?”
“Yes, we are,” Ryker replied.
“Watch out!” the Owlite shouted. “There’s a gremlin behind you!”
The three knights turned around, and saw Lokd. They laughed, and Ven said to the Owlite, “Lokd’s on our side.”
Mono and his squad then swept through the library, eliminating gremlins. Together, they killed sixteen. Ryker was about to say something when the entire keep shook.
Lokd yelled, “They’re using artillery cannons!”
“Someone has to take out those cannons!” Mono said. “Ryker, try to contact some other knights and see if they can silence those guns.”
After listening to every squad, Ryker explained to Mono, “Pop’s squad is already over there. Knowing him, those cannons will be down in no time.”
“Good,” Mono said. “Now let’s get back to fighting!”
He led the group around the corner, where they encountered a small squad of gremlins. Mono and Ryker quickly dispatched them with a few gunshots. Ven protested, “Hey! Let me have some fun too!”
After rounding the next corner, Ven found himself before twenty large gremlins wielding hammers. Ryker said to Mono, "I'll bet you five crowns he'll take more than four minutes."
"Nah," Mono said. "Make the bet a minute."
As soon as Ven started fighting the gremlins, Ryker started his clock. Ven sliced through the gremlins one by one, bringing death to all who approached his deadly katanas. When the last gremlin died, Ryker stopped the clock. He said, "Fifty-nine and a half seconds. Well aren't you lucky." He dug through his pocket, and handed Mono a five crown coin, who smiled devilishly.
After congratulating Ven, the squad continued through the halls, killing any gremlins they found. Oddly, Mono’s group had not seen any other knights or Owlites, and Mono was starting to worry that they had fallen into a timewarp, which were common in places where arcane magicks were practiced.
Fortunately, Mono found an old Owlite, who was flying above a group of three score gremlins in a large library. The Owlite was chanting in a strange language, which sounded similar to the language Kaval used to cast spells. Suddenly, the Owlite opened its eyes, which were shining yellow, and cast down beams of light on the gremlins, killing them instantly. The Owlite’s eyes then turned light blue, but were still glowing faintly. It said to them, “Who are you? Gremlin creations?”
“No,” Ryker said, stepping forward. “We are Isorans, and we are trying to clear this fortress of the gremlins. And… Did you just work magic?”
“Yes, I did,” the old Owlite said. “I am one of the finest Owlite warriors alive, and we only fight with magic. You would do well not to cross me.”
Swag. That drawing is probably better than anything I could do XD (Shows you horrible concept art for a Sudaruska alternative, a snarbolax gun, and a throwing knife)
Thanks! I might end up doing more concept art for other non-SK things that pop up in my story. Namingly Xerxes. If I have the time (and patience) I could do Xerxes' fortress.
Another Owlite part will be coming soon, I suppose? The combat was good; specific details weren't to be found, but I found that it went well enough to not really need any. I liked the betting part, too -- not because Ven is my character, but because it helped further his character, along with Mono and Ryker's.
I look forward to seeing what sort of developments will occur in the upcoming chapters!
EDIT:
Alright. Fine. It was good, which is slightly less awesome than goo like I had it.
Wait, what? The combat was GOO?! I haven't got slimes in the story yet! Also, thanks for the feedbag. :D
The little girl whimpered as she was trying to drag her other leg down the hallway. For all her cowardice and fear, she sure had a hard time freezing up and letting the inevitable happen.
It had all started in the Astronomers' Club, when the announcer was trying to draw a comprehensive starmap for us to derive astronomic figures from. We had accepted a new member, her name I had not deigned to remember as of now, but she seemed very...bratty. As our leader for the week, Jinx, was busy with his compass and ruler, Mr. Versacci began acting up again.
When I mean acting up, I mean by downing some sort of horrible compilation of chemicals labelled "Monster Dew", undoubtedly the successor to his attempts of recreating the "Dory Toes" many people his generation had feasted on back on Isora.
Back to the point, Versacci was experiencing something of a sugar-caffeine rush (I couldn't really diagnose this for myself, since I wasn't particularly a good dietitian as I was a good field surgeon) after finishing approximately half the can of his creation. He began to start speaking in babbling once again, something about time, rabbit holes, and a very important date. Against my usual pessimistic nature, I assumed he hadn't slipped in a hallucinogen.
Jinx continued to draw out the starmap, but nodded towards Versacci nonchalantly. I myself was a member of the spiritual predecessor of this club (aptly named the Geo Knights, which later disbanded when we had given up escaping Cradle), and though I had no real skill in the world of chemical compounds, equations pertaining to orbits and other banalities, I had enjoyed the Knights' company a lot.
I'd assume Jinx, who I never bothered to converse with when we were both younger, was already acquainted with the two.
Anyhow, after Jinx nodded, Versacci began to rock back in forth, jittering about time constraints. And then he pulled out his map, and as if in a mocking manner, attempted to follow Jinx's pattern of drawing. Granted, Jinx was probably pre-occupied with other more pressing thoughts in his head, I found it to my slight offense that this Versacci was mocking the group leader. Still, though, I said nothing. Instead, I pulled out my network device and began to finish my other works : studies of the Oedipus complex, the revival of a lost culture via symbolic interpretation, and the long-delayed simulation pertaining to the survival of multiple highly-complex species on a single biosphere.
To my amazement, I heard the can of Monster Dew rise up again, and one glance told me the new one had taken the liberty to drink from Versacci's can.
No one drinks from Versacci's can. Ever.
At once, her sour demeanor became one that was very dumbfounded, and in a slurred manner, pulled out her charcoal pencil and scribbled heart-shaped swirls in Versacci's own paper. It as though they had become infants again. Not a comfortable sight.
It wasn't until perhaps five minutes later did I proceed to look up again, and just at the right time. A chair flew directly into my face, sending me right off the ledge and down a dozen feet.
Jinx soon followed, and much to his dismay, two shreds on his map were all that were left of his attempts.
Now, in retrospect, I realize that I had not taken my medication for my OCD and schizophrenia at the time, and so when I saw Versacci laughing as if he had sprouted from the words of a fantasy novel, the voices told me to make him pay for making two tiny shreds.
Naturally, I complied.
Indignantly, with my head jittering to and fro like a deranged bobble-head, I climbed back up, and punted the poor Versacci in his recreational area. He had jumped so high from the stimuli produced that he had fallen an astounding 18 feet, meaning he had jumped 6 feet into the air before beginning his descent.
In my enraged voice, I bellowed :
"WHO DARE MAKES TWO TINY SLIVERS ON THE GROUP LEADER'S STARMAP?!"
The only reply I got was a chortling cacophony from none other than the newbie, (I recall her name now, Alice!).
So, I did what only the most average of us would do. I stomped on her foot. Or ankle. Doesn't really matter, does it?
Anyhow, in a yowl of pain, Alice suddenly sprang like the wolf in Three Little Pigs, and scrambled up the stairs. I re-adjusted my coat, and pursued her a brisk pace towards the abandoned Geo Knights Observatory.
Back to the beginning, Alice had traveled the distance equal to three football fields to rid herself of my company. MY COMPANY (can you believe that?). As she pushed opened the door, I heard a sound akin to the way a twig snaps, and she fell down again, only to crawl away faster than the fastest Chromalisk Whelp could crawl. She soon found strength to walk again, and collapsed twice more before reaching the corridor I had previously mentioned.
Our final destination was the actual observatory itself; the chamber where the telescope had always stared off into the same sky over and over, as if trying to find meaning in the artificial lights the Gremlins had built.
And Alice was terrified, panting.
I would like to emphasize she was panting, for she had said :
"Do it quickly...you freak. OW!"
I grinned, and replied monotonously :
"Child, you can't rush art."
~~~
TooLong;Didn'tRead Summary : Don't make Carbon's grades drop because you wanted him to write fastarrr.
And i leik ur steroh su fur kerbun. ty 4 stry jaja