So a few months back a guy named Gatrnerd did a CinemaCins style review of his SK stories. I thought it would be funny to make my own.

But so yeah. Gatrnerd gets credit for original(ish) idea. Here's his post. Clickey Boi

Enjoy my satire and cringey writing.

Chapter 1

Angel-Girl stormed out of the Advanced Training Hall, her Avenger dragging behind her, the sun-steel it was forged from sending sparks of light flying out in every direction;

Nice way to treat your sword, trying to act dramatic. How do you think the sword felt about that? Also, bad use of semicolon. 1+, bad writing attempt, grammar typo.

and the loud laughs of several knights could be heard.

Heard where? Outside? Inside? In her head? Is she schizophrenic? +1

Her face was twisted in anger, and her mind was flying around so much that it would look like scribbles on paper.

Metaphors. +1

And it was scribbling all over an image of a completely exasperating knight: Railan.

Taking metaphors too far. +1

For years the complete waste of a knight had been bullying her for years.

Ooh boy. A bully hating on the flawless protagonist to create poor tension. One of the most cliche things of the cliche world. Also, said years twice. +2 for horrid cringey cliche plot device, +1 for repeated word.

And not through those sarcastic, no-effect words the fancy knights would use;

Fancy knights? WHAT DA HECK DO YOU MEAN BY FANCY KNIGHTS?

To be fair, I remember that I was TRYING to mean “popular knights” that would replace those weird 0-size waist petty girls you could find in any awful high school drama ever. BUT THAT’S WORSE. This ain’t one of those gross high school storylines. Also, semicolon again. +2 for trying to turn SK into Hollywood high school, +1 for semicolon misusage

she would use her fists and feet against her. And Angel-Girl had no idea how she had offended Railan, she had thought about it countless times, but could never find the reason.

Because Railan woke up one day and said “Oh, Imma hate on this random Knight for the rest of my life because CONVENIENCE!” +1

And that made her MAD. And now Railan had started stealing from her. She’d already lost three things; her Mighty Cobalt Armor, her Sealed Sword, and now her Radiant Pulsar! That thing had gotten two awesome variants on it, for crying out loud!

I’m sorry, but who would get mad over losing Mighty Cobalt Armor? Sealed Sword I can see why, Radiant Pulsar, not so much, but COBALT LINE ARMOR? +1 for liking crappy armor

At that moment AG’s stomping footsteps were joined with quickly skittering ones, like a mouse’s.

More metaphors! +2

A male knight’s voice flew into her ears, but she didn’t listen nor care who was talking.
"Angel-Girl..." the knight murmured through nervously clenched teeth.

"I wish that dasked knight would go chase a tree." Angel-Girl growled.

I’m ashamed that I thought that would be a good taunt. I’m also ashamed that I understand why it’s funny to middle school me. +1 for cringey insult.

The male knight tried again, playing with his hands and nervously stuttering.

“Male knight” grates on my ears. Or rather, my eyes. It just looks WRONG. +1

"AG, maybe we should...uh...well..."

That’s not stuttering. Also, AG? Really? +1 for weird nickname.

Angel-Girl was too busy She balled her fists so tight that her nails made dents in her dark-navy skin.

Oh look a typo. No period! Also it appears to be an unfinished sentence. +1 for typo, +1 for unfinished sentence.

"Why can’t Railan go pick on someone else?! Like I’ve done anything to her. She’d as moronic as a-- "

And that was me trying to be cool and not have Angel-Girl swear but also hint that she was going to. OH I’M SO COOL.
I still don’t know how to pull that off though. +1 for hinting at cuss words.

Angel-Girl almost shouted in indignation,

Why ALMOST? Why didn’t she just shout? +1

but instead furiously kicked up a cloud of dust, her feet making a sc-c-r-r-a-a-pe sound, and a few Snipes chirped in terror and scattered away from the source of fright.

That almost feels like a run-on sentence. Also, onomatopoeia. +1

This didn't satisfy AG,

So lazy that I didn’t even bother to write her whole name and just used her weird nickname. +1 laziness.

so she hunched her shoulders, crossed her arms, and scowled with enough rage to petrify a Gremlin. The other knight shoved his hands into his coat's pockets, glad his helmet covered his face, otherwise everyone would've seen him blush like nobody’s business.

...That last part just sounded wrong. Eugh. +1

He couldn't stand unnecessary attention, and Angel-Girl was getting the two of them a lot of it. Which was one of the reasons he always wore the same helmet, even if he almost died in the battlefield; he could regenerate anyway. Anything was better than being stared at all the time.

Introvert problems. But also, that’s kind of stupid. I’m anxious all the time and I would wear something that showed my whole face if I was in battle and didn’t want to die. Inaccurate introvert problems. +1

Angel-Girl growled a threat underneath her breath, and stomped her way towards the middle of the Town Square. Suddenly, another knight poked her head out of the Advanced Training Hall, around the wall, and looked at Angel-Girl, snickering.

Bully comes back so there’s more tension and the story struggles along. +1

"Hey, Detritus!" She yelled.

Detritus means trash. Trying way too hard to give another weird nickname to Angel-Girl. Only good thing about this is that I didn’t make it normal trash. 2x the trash! Like this first draft! +1

Angel-Girl spun around to see Railan, and an angry crimson red spread across her face. "You want this?" Railan shouted, pulling out a Radiant Pulsar. "Come get it!" Railan cackled, shot an orb for added aggravation, and disappeared inside the Training Hall.

Railan is so cliche that it seems like she’s TRYING to be that way. On PURPOSE. +1 more clicheness.

That was enough for Angel-Girl; the comment cranked her anger up to the max level, and she exploded like a volcano. She pulled out her Argent Peacemaker gun, and she let out a mighty roar: "I'm gonna kill her!"

Overdramatic, overreacting, very bad way to create more tension around something that is minorly annoying. Anything else? +1

Angel-Girl's mind was raging and roaring so loudly that she couldn't think. She let the anger engulf her and was about to rampage across the town square, when she felt five fingers grip her arm tightly.

Had to be five so we know that it isn’t some weirdo with two fingers. +1

She nearly jumped out of her skin, not knowing who it was. The hand pulled her back so hard she nearly flew off of her feet, but she managed to re-obtain her balance and stumble along the direction she was being dragged.

I can’t tell if it’s “dragged” or “dragged in”. Two sins for confusing grammar I don’t know how to correct! +2

The painful hold on AG's arm stopped in a dark alleyway, and she snapped around to see shy Braveheart, the knight with the scared mouse feature, her best friend.

Metaphor references. And of course the Mary Sue has the weirdo best friend. +1 for cliche.

But at this moment, she was too angry to care who Braveheart was to her. He had gotten in her way and it was her situation, and what he just did made her feel super mega annoyed.

Oh no, not SUPER MEGA ANNOYED! +5 for horrid cringey middle school rank descriptions

Braveheart was breathing shallowly at what he had just done and how Angel-Girl was putting her death gaze on him.

Beware the woman’s death gaze. +1

"What in Isora was that for?!" AG snapped. Braveheart ached to escape her gaze and harsh words, and he looked it immensely.

“Looked it?” What's wrong with my grammar? +1 Bad grammar.

Angel-Girl almost regretted what she said, but she hardened her feelings and kept the furious look on her face. But

Why is there a “but”. It's pointless. Also bad friend! +1

Braveheart managed to get out “Do you realize what you almost did?” without turning tail and dashing off. Angel-Girl had cooled down enough to know what she had done wasn’t the fruit on top, but she didn’t want to admit it. “Just- leave me alone.” She growled, and turned away from him.

Not communicating WHEN YOU SHOULD BE COMMUNICATING!!! +3 horrible choice.

Angel-Girl stared at the wall in front of her, scowling and trying to break the urge to look back at Braveheart. There was a heated pause, then Braveheart’s receding footsteps began, then faded as he left the alley.

Then, then, then! What's with all of these “then”s?! +1

Although AG couldn’t see, she swore she could somehow feel and hear the hurt expression on Braveheart’’s face.

Hear the hurt- you know what. I'm not trying anymore. +10

AG finally let her head fall forward and bonk the wall, and her vision adjusted to the ground, which became fuzzy. She was clueless about what to do, how to deal with her feelings, and- just feeling sick of the dasked society.

Supposed to be a sad philosophical scene and utterly failing. Also why is society being brought up now? What's society got to do with your big scary bullies? +1

Why do people have to?

I am wondering the same thing about me criticizing this fan fiction.

AG’s anger was dissipating into sad questioning. Yes, this happened every day to knights all over Haven. But she still felt alone by a billion times. Why do they do things like that?

Everyone gets bullied now? Where the heck is all the law enforcement? Aren't they all supposedly adults? Oh wait, this is a ridiculous high school storyline apparently. +1

She was ready to cry, and wished that she was back in her pod, in outer space, still in stuck in stasis. Just live inside her own head, dreaming of luxurious things. But nooooooo. She had to be jolted to reality, which whenever there wasn’t any bullying, training, or other things like that, she was fighting for her own survival in the Clockworks. Life could seriously just be cruel. Now her fuzzy vision was clouded by a flurry of self-pitiful tears.

All because someone stole your gear you're THIS weepy and sulky? This girl has 99 problems and her actions ain't one of em. +1

Angel-Girl turned around and leaned against the wall, wiping her eyes with both hands. Now she was sorry for snapping at- Braveheart.

Oh NOW you're sorry after 30 seconds? +1 horrible pacing.

Suddenly something inside her started to weaken with the pain of realization. How could she stand here, feeling sorry for herself, when she had just hurt Braveheart? He had been doubted everyday ever since she had met him, before, even. Knights would stare at him suspiciously, as he had just stole something from someone. They would tease him too, but with their words, and harder and meaner than Railan was to AG with her punches.

WHERE THE HECK IS THIS COMING FROM?! +5

Angel-Girl got up, just a little less clueless about her situation with Railan.

You literally just sat there and whined. You solved nothing. +1

But she knew one thing for sure: she needed to stop feeling sorry for herself, get up, and do something. She wasn’t sure what, but it was still another step to a solution.

You just emphasized my last sentence. And it was unironically. +1

She at least had a small idea of what to do in her head.

Contradictions! +1

She left that dark alley, and left behind her self-pity.

You could not possibly have done that. Terrible metaphor as well +1

She scanned the area, looking for the familiar helmet. But there was one exception: thousands of knights wore the same helmet.

This has been brought to light and may be the only good point of the entire chapter. -1

That wouldn’t be much of a use.

You don't say.

While thinking about this, someone accidentally bumped into her. “Oof!”

Super cliche and terrible way to move things along. Before we know it she was bumped into by senpai and will soon be plotting to win his heart. Roll cred- wrong sin. +1

Angel-Girl got knocked over, and fell into the dusty road.

Captain Obvious. +1

She immediately jumped to her feet, raging, thinking it was Railan who had just sent her sprawling. She was about to punch that dasked creep’s lights out,

Another attempt at swearing to sound cool but not actually swearing. +5

when she suddenly realized that the person who bumped into her was Braveheart.

Coincidence? I think not. +1

Angel-Girl rapidly put her hands behind her back and blushed her helmet silly. “I-uh- whoops. I was uh...practicing my punching moves, and- yeah. You know.”

THIS IS NOW OFFICIALLY ANY CLICHE HIGH SCHOOL STORY YOU HAVE EVER READ. +10 +10

Braveheart had got his hands up to block the blow, and his expression was filled with extreme alarm. His chest was rising and falling quickly, and his muscles were tensed.

See, we even have the description of the senpai abs. How nice. +1

When he didn’t get socked in the face, Braveheart left his protective position and relaxed. He opened his mouth to question further about ‘practicing’, but then thought better of it.

Reacting way too slowly. +1

“Okay,” Angel-Girl said, letting out a quick sigh and made her shoulders bounce once. “Look. I’m sorry I was so snappy at you. I didn’t have a right, even though I was mad. I was just-” “No, it’s okay.” Braveheart blurted, interrupting her. “I just- think that going after Railan is what she wants. Maybe if you talk to her when you’re a bit- calmer- would be best. If it doesn’t work, we-” Braveheart stopped and cleared his throat. “You- could always report her.”

You could always ignore her, because I wonder what would happen if the main characters ignored the plot device? Though in this case, the chapter plot device SINCE SHE DOESN’T EVEN COME BACK. +1

Angel-Girl let out a breath of relief. Braveheart wasn’t too upset at her. Unless he was just covering it to be nice, which seemed to be what he did a lot.

I'm noticing I didn't write “sigh”, I wrote “breath”. Taking a sin off because uniqueish way of saying a common term and I don't find anything else wrong with this stanza. -1

“Yeah...thanks. Again, I’m sorry.” she said. “Really, it’s okay.” Braveheart retorted quickly, in a way that said he was ready to be done talking about it. Angel-Girl was slightly taken back by the manner of his reply, but she brushed it off.

Well that was abrupt. +1

“Well, I guess sooner or later, I’m going to have to see Railan again.” Angel-Girl noted, more to herself than Braveheart.

Talking to yourself. +1

Braveheart hesitantly nodded. “So...I guess…” Suddenly Angel-Girl turned back towards the Advanced Training Hall and slowly walked towards it. Braveheart was startled. “Wait- what are you doing?” He inquired nervously. Angel-Girl stopped, and then turned around and set her gaze on Braveheart, but in such a way it made him feel weak. “To get this overwith.” She said casually, but with a hint of hesitation in her voice.

BRAVEHEART JUST FLIPPING SAID NOT TO GO AFTER HER. ARE YOU STUPID. +5

Angel-Girl continued towards the Advanced Training Hall, not a hint of hesitation in her steps, although she was feeling very much otherwise. Braveheart followed, nervous that she was going back to the spider's web.

There's either way too many contradictions here or Angel-Girl is good at hiding emotion, which based on this entire pity party is not the case. +1

As they entered the Hall, there was quite a bit of noise, as usual. There were knights doing their last-minute training, which involved swordfighting, target practice, and guaranteed injuries. Others were just chatting, some loudly, others quietly. Some would just take a random shot at training objects, then just sit there like a lump.

This is inaccurate. The Training Hall is usually devoid of ALL life. +1

But the most noticeable group was a rugged, loud, and bulky group of knights. All of them could be described as war weapons, and you definitely wouldn’t want to mess with them. Railan was nowhere in sight, but AG could hear her occasionally joining the conversation of the tough band of gremlins.

Using metaphors confusingly. Also, too lazy to write Angel-Girl’s full name again. +2

Angel-Girl took a deep breath, then called out. "Railan, I'm here." she pretended to sound angry.

Why does it matter if you sound angry or not? Why not sound like you're going to skip with her in a field of flowers while you're at it? +1

Some of the knights stopped talking, looked towards Angel-Girl, and started to grin grotesquely. "Hey, Railan! I think one of the losers decided to confront you again!”

Attempting to sound mean just sounds like a middle school wannabe bully whose insults no one takes seriously. +1

One of them yelled, his face turning towards a dark corner. The female menacing voice of Railan came out it. “Add it to my list of who I’m going to beat up. I have much better things to do than mess with it.” It said insultingly.

The whole sentence is confusing. It, it, it, it. +1

Her minions laughed rudely at Angel-Girl, and a few other knights snickered. Angel-Girl stole a glance at Braveheart, who had his two fists balled at his sides furiously. Even though he was usually timid, he could be awfully murderous at times.

Adding “awfully” to describe something that isn't actually awful. Also, minion laughing. +2

AG turned back towards the voice. "Quit playing games, Railan. If I’m not good enough for you to mess with, then are you gonna send your minions after me?"

Moving away from the “fighting the minions first like they're security guards”, to the “fight me yourself” cliche. Bad either way. +1

By now the two had most of the knights' complete attention. "Fine. You want the hard way? Then you can get it!" Railan said, sounding affected by the retort.

That retort should not have affected anybody. Except to make me cringe. +1

Railan revealed herself from the dark corner, walking towards Angel-Girl with a smirk glued on her face. When you got a good look at her, you could really tell Railan was NOT like other girl knights- and not in a good way. But when you stared at her, she made the others look like Jellies.

The description literally tells me nothing about her appearance. Maybe she looks like the Royal Jelly. Heck she could look human. +1

She began to intimidate Angel-Girl by circling her, and her minions started cackling menacingly.

Circling-rival-to-intimidate-them cliche. +1

"So you’re back for the Pulsar. Did you need it so bad? Aw, I'm sorry.” She made an exaggerated sad-pouty baby face. “I'd give it to you, but-" She pulled out the 'given' Pulsar, and toyed with it teasingly. "-But it's mine now. You’re not getting it back without hitting me first."

I'm honestly not sure if Railan is more cliche than the later antagonist. I'm going to give Railan 20+ sins due to vomit-inducing actions. +20 Railan sins.

Angel-Girl's eyes flared, and she had to fight to get them back to normal. The opportunity to sock Railan in the face, again and again, was super tempting. But AG knew that’s all she was waiting for. That’s what she should’ve noticed all of these years.

Not noticing the obvious. +1

Okay, that’s it. I’m not fighting with her again.
"No. I thought we could sort this out like real knights."

A pathetic spin on “sort this out like real men”. +1

Now it was Railan's turn to become angry, but she quickly replaced it with a plastic smirk again. "Aw, is the loser a little Scaredy-Kat?" She then walked over to her, and crossed her arms. "Let’s see if you’ll fly out of the Training Hall after this then!" Her smirk faded into a fierce scowl as she then threw her fist back, and before AG could react, Railan squarely hit her right on the nose. Angel-Girl reeled backwards and fell, holding her nose.

Wasn't Railan already angry? Also Angel-Girl has serious reaction time issues for a Vanguard specialized in combat. +1

"Come on, baby! Fight me!" Railan threw little mock jabs to intimidate AG some more, then kicked her side- HARD.

The embodiment of villains you know are gonna go down because the Mary Sue is gonna pull the magic jujitsu. +1

Angel-Girl saw stars,

Seeing stars. +1

but also saw Braveheart's look of sheer horror and anger, and how he jumped onto Railan's back, trying to pin her to the floor. Railan looked surprised, but she pulled back her muscular arms and threw Braveheart over his shoulders and into a training gate. He sailed through the air and crashed-landed right into the metal with a sickening thud, but was immediately back on his feet. A chant of 'Fight, fight, fight!' rose up.

Not describing battle scenes and moves well. Also, I really doubt people would gather around and- oh right, this is high school. +1

Much as AG was glad Braveheart was standing up for her, she knew that she couldn’t let him babysit her much longer. And she knew that no matter what she did, unless she fled, she would have to fight. And there’s no way I’m humiliating myself again. She thought.

FLEE ANYWAY YOU STUPID! DO YOU WANNA DIE OVER PRIDE? +5

Braveheart and Railan were trying to get each other in headlocks, and Braveheart was failing at his attempts miserably. Railan whisked around him and then flipped him over, letting him collide with the floor.

Fight pace insanely fast. +1

Everyone was cheering furiously now. Railan reached over and forced motionless Braveheart to get up, and when he did, she put her fist around his neck and started choking him. Now her minions were surprised at this, but they didn’t care at all about the little pipsqueak. Braveheart frantically clawed at her hands, but she just kept smirking, not at all affected.

Do you think everyone would be attacking Railan or calling some kind of law enforcement by now? Huh? What's that? It's high school? Oh right, I forgot. +1

She leaned over and whispered in his ear. “This is what happens when rejects like you mess with us. I hope you’ve learned a lesson, otherwise you’ll land in the infirmar-”

Attempt to be evil fails by a long shot. +1

And suddenly Railan was plowed into, forced to plummet to the floor. She gasped and clutched her stomach, curling into a ball. She wheezed for air, and everyone stared at AG as she stood up shakily, but triumphantly. She glared with red-rimmed eyes at the gasping and croaking Railan. “Nobody. Hurts. My. Friends.” She growled with ferocity of a Senior Vanguard,

Power of friendship ex machina. I believe Equestria is nearby. +1

and then held out her hand. “I believe I was able to hit you. So give.”

You really think she'll honor her joke? You must be the joke instead. +1

Railan just wheezed at AG, unable to say anything except through the pained and shocked expression of her face. So Angel-Girl just walked closer, and slowly bent over to take the gun back to it’s rightful owner. But as she did, Railan tried to kick her away, but the attempt failed.

TOLD YA SO. +1

Angel-Girl easily side-stepped it and retrieved the gun. “You could be better than that, you know. Trying to take me down after I won fair and square?” Angel-Girl said with pretended amazement.

So she saw that coming but said it anyway? That is completely pointless! I would've been satisfied if she just took the gun right afterwards and walked away! +1

She looked at the minions with the ‘Don’t come after me or I’ll pulverize you’ look, and they paled, their tough appearance disappearing. They turned tail and fled out the exit, pushing other knights out of their way in their hurry.

“The-boss-got-their-butt-whipped-so-lets-flee” cliche. +1

After they watched the others leave, everybody turned and stared at Angel-Girl, gaping in amazement at the display. Angel-Girl just waved, a little nervously, then went over to Braveheart, who had seen the whole thing from the floor. AG held out her hand to Braveheart, who took it with a bruised hand. She pulled him up with a small grunt, then let go of him and exited. When she saw that he wasn’t following her, she looked back to see him staring at her in a daze. She rolled her eyes, came back up the steps and dragged Braveheart out of the Advanced Training Hall, all eyes following them until they were gone from sight.

What was so special about that “display” that requires you to gawk for more than 3 seconds? The way everyone acted, I bet this happens everyday. “Oh yeah someone got whipped in a fight earlier, but that's not important.” +1

Back in the Town Square, Angel-Girl sat down on the steps of the fountain, ignoring the looks of other curious knights who weren't in the Training Hall when the situation happened.

How would they know something happened?! +1

Braveheart sat down too, a worried look now in his eyes. "You okay?" He asked, flinching at the other knights' looks. Angel-Girl didn't answer, she was too deep in thought. I did it. I can't believe I did it! She shivered with satisfaction at her hard-won accomplishment.

WHAT ACCOMPLISHMENT?! Getting your gun back and beating someone up? Oh let's just cross that off the ol’ bucket list! +1

Braveheart misinterpreted it as part of her injury and looked even more concerned. Uh...AG?" He asked, and VERY hesitantly tapped her shoulder. Angel-Girl jumped, and Braveheart tensed. "Sorry!" Angel-Girl turned to him, her bloody nose now dry.

You don't get a dry bloody nose in three minutes. Those things can last awhile. +1

"Um, yeah, I'm okay. Just a little sore..." she gave Braveheart a weak smile, then she winced as Braveheart’s tap decided to register as pain against a large bruise on her shoulder. “On second thought, I think I’ll go lay down for a bit. And-” she looks around the Square. “It’s probably best to avoid Railan for a while. I’ll see you later, ‘kay?” “Sure. Yeah. See you.” Braveheart muttered, his mind somewhere else than here.

Avoid for awhile? How about report her to the GMs and get her banned? +1

Angel-Girl waved, with a little smile, to Braveheart, and he watched her as she walked- or rather, limped- around the fountain to Garrison.

Braveheart was just over in his mind-Equestria and now he's watching Angel-Girl leave? WHAT?! +1

~END~

That's Chapter 1 for you...I hope you didn't die reading it and laughed like I did. .-.

Chapter Sin Count: 139 + 20 Railan Sins

Post more sometime. K, goodnight.