Spiral Knights - Criticizing my SK fanfiction (Inspired by Gatrnerd, go read his original)

Angel-Girl stormed out of the Advanced Training Hall, her Avenger dragging behind her, the sun-steel it was forged from sending sparks of light flying out in every direction;

Nice way to treat your sword, trying to act dramatic. How do you think the sword felt about that? Also, bad use of semicolon. 1+, bad writing attempt, grammar typo.

and the loud laughs of several knights could be heard.

Heard where? Outside? Inside? In her head? Is she schizophrenic? +1

Her face was twisted in anger, and her mind was flying around so much that it would look like scribbles on paper.

Metaphors. +1

And it was scribbling all over an image of a completely exasperating knight: Railan.

Taking metaphors too far. +1

For years the complete waste of a knight had been bullying her for years.

Ooh boy. A bully hating on the flawless protagonist to create poor tension. One of the most cliche things of the cliche world. Also, said years twice. +2 for horrid cringey cliche plot device, +1 for repeated word.

And not through those sarcastic, no-effect words the fancy knights would use;

Fancy knights? WHAT DA HECK DO YOU MEAN BY FANCY KNIGHTS?

To be fair, I remember that I was TRYING to mean “popular knights” that would replace those weird 0-size waist petty girls you could find in any awful high school drama ever. BUT THAT’S WORSE. This ain’t one of those gross high school storylines. Also, semicolon again. +2 for trying to turn SK into Hollywood high school, +1 for semicolon misusage

she would use her fists and feet against her. And Angel-Girl had no idea how she had offended Railan, she had thought about it countless times, but could never find the reason.

Because Railan woke up one day and said “Oh, Imma hate on this random Knight for the rest of my life because CONVENIENCE!” +1

And that made her MAD. And now Railan had started stealing from her. She’d already lost three things; her Mighty Cobalt Armor, her Sealed Sword, and now her Radiant Pulsar! That thing had gotten two awesome variants on it, for crying out loud!

I’m sorry, but who would get mad over losing Mighty Cobalt Armor? Sealed Sword I can see why, Radiant Pulsar, not so much, but COBALT LINE ARMOR? +1 for liking crappy armor

At that moment AG’s stomping footsteps were joined with quickly skittering ones, like a mouse’s.

More metaphors! +2

A male knight’s voice flew into her ears, but she didn’t listen nor care who was talking.
"Angel-Girl..." the knight murmured through nervously clenched teeth.

"I wish that dasked knight would go chase a tree." Angel-Girl growled.

I’m ashamed that I thought that would be a good taunt. I’m also ashamed that I understand why it’s funny to middle school me. +1 for cringey insult.

The male knight tried again, playing with his hands and nervously stuttering.

“Male knight” grates on my ears. Or rather, my eyes. It just looks WRONG. +1

"AG, maybe we should...uh...well..."

That’s not stuttering. Also, AG? Really? +1 for weird nickname.

Angel-Girl was too busy She balled her fists so tight that her nails made dents in her dark-navy skin.

Oh look a typo. No period! Also it appears to be an unfinished sentence. +1 for typo, +1 for unfinished sentence.

"Why can’t Railan go pick on someone else?! Like I’ve done anything to her. She’d as moronic as a-- "

And that was me trying to be cool and not have Angel-Girl swear but also hint that she was going to. OH I’M SO COOL.
I still don’t know how to pull that off though. +1 for hinting at cuss words.

Angel-Girl almost shouted in indignation,

Why ALMOST? Why didn’t she just shout? +1

but instead furiously kicked up a cloud of dust, her feet making a sc-c-r-r-a-a-pe sound, and a few Snipes chirped in terror and scattered away from the source of fright.

That almost feels like a run-on sentence. Also, onomatopoeia. +1

This didn't satisfy AG,

So lazy that I didn’t even bother to write her whole name and just used her weird nickname. +1 laziness.

so she hunched her shoulders, crossed her arms, and scowled with enough rage to petrify a Gremlin. The other knight shoved his hands into his coat's pockets, glad his helmet covered his face, otherwise everyone would've seen him blush like nobody’s business.

...That last part just sounded wrong. Eugh. +1

He couldn't stand unnecessary attention, and Angel-Girl was getting the two of them a lot of it. Which was one of the reasons he always wore the same helmet, even if he almost died in the battlefield; he could regenerate anyway. Anything was better than being stared at all the time.

Introvert problems. But also, that’s kind of stupid. I’m anxious all the time and I would wear something that showed my whole face if I was in battle and didn’t want to die. Inaccurate introvert problems. +1

Angel-Girl growled a threat underneath her breath, and stomped her way towards the middle of the Town Square. Suddenly, another knight poked her head out of the Advanced Training Hall, around the wall, and looked at Angel-Girl, snickering.

Bully comes back so there’s more tension and the story struggles along. +1

"Hey, Detritus!" She yelled.

Detritus means trash. Trying way too hard to give another weird nickname to Angel-Girl. Only good thing about this is that I didn’t make it normal trash. 2x the trash! Like this first draft! +1

Angel-Girl spun around to see Railan, and an angry crimson red spread across her face. "You want this?" Railan shouted, pulling out a Radiant Pulsar. "Come get it!" Railan cackled, shot an orb for added aggravation, and disappeared inside the Training Hall.

Railan is so cliche that it seems like she’s TRYING to be that way. On PURPOSE. +1 more clicheness.

That was enough for Angel-Girl; the comment cranked her anger up to the max level, and she exploded like a volcano. She pulled out her Argent Peacemaker gun, and she let out a mighty roar: "I'm gonna kill her!"

Overdramatic, overreacting, very bad way to create more tension around something that is minorly annoying. Anything else? +1

Angel-Girl's mind was raging and roaring so loudly that she couldn't think. She let the anger engulf her and was about to rampage across the town square, when she felt five fingers grip her arm tightly.

Had to be five so we know that it isn’t some weirdo with two fingers. +1

She nearly jumped out of her skin, not knowing who it was. The hand pulled her back so hard she nearly flew off of her feet, but she managed to re-obtain her balance and stumble along the direction she was being dragged.

I can’t tell if it’s “dragged” or “dragged in”. Two sins for confusing grammar I don’t know how to correct! +2

The painful hold on AG's arm stopped in a dark alleyway, and she snapped around to see shy Braveheart, the knight with the scared mouse feature, her best friend.

Metaphor references. And of course the Mary Sue has the weirdo best friend. +1 for cliche.

But at this moment, she was too angry to care who Braveheart was to her. He had gotten in her way and it was her situation, and what he just did made her feel super mega annoyed.

Oh no, not SUPER MEGA ANNOYED! +5 for horrid cringey middle school rank descriptions

Braveheart was breathing shallowly at what he had just done and how Angel-Girl was putting her death gaze on him.

Beware the woman’s death gaze. +1

"What in Isora was that for?!" AG snapped. Braveheart ached to escape her gaze and harsh words, and he looked it immensely.

“Looked it?” What's wrong with my grammar? +1 Bad grammar.

Angel-Girl almost regretted what she said, but she hardened her feelings and kept the furious look on her face. But

Why is there a “but”. It's pointless. Also bad friend! +1

Braveheart managed to get out “Do you realize what you almost did?” without turning tail and dashing off. Angel-Girl had cooled down enough to know what she had done wasn’t the fruit on top, but she didn’t want to admit it. “Just- leave me alone.” She growled, and turned away from him.

Not communicating WHEN YOU SHOULD BE COMMUNICATING!!! +3 horrible choice.

Angel-Girl stared at the wall in front of her, scowling and trying to break the urge to look back at Braveheart. There was a heated pause, then Braveheart’s receding footsteps began, then faded as he left the alley.

Then, then, then! What's with all of these “then”s?! +1

Although AG couldn’t see, she swore she could somehow feel and hear the hurt expression on Braveheart’’s face.

Hear the hurt- you know what. I'm not trying anymore. +10

AG finally let her head fall forward and bonk the wall, and her vision adjusted to the ground, which became fuzzy. She was clueless about what to do, how to deal with her feelings, and- just feeling sick of the dasked society.

Supposed to be a sad philosophical scene and utterly failing. Also why is society being brought up now? What's society got to do with your big scary bullies? +1

Why do people have to?

I am wondering the same thing about me criticizing this fan fiction.

AG’s anger was dissipating into sad questioning. Yes, this happened every day to knights all over Haven. But she still felt alone by a billion times. Why do they do things like that?

Everyone gets bullied now? Where the heck is all the law enforcement? Aren't they all supposedly adults? Oh wait, this is a ridiculous high school storyline apparently. +1

She was ready to cry, and wished that she was back in her pod, in outer space, still in stuck in stasis. Just live inside her own head, dreaming of luxurious things. But nooooooo. She had to be jolted to reality, which whenever there wasn’t any bullying, training, or other things like that, she was fighting for her own survival in the Clockworks. Life could seriously just be cruel. Now her fuzzy vision was clouded by a flurry of self-pitiful tears.

All because someone stole your gear you're THIS weepy and sulky? This girl has 99 problems and her actions ain't one of em. +1

Angel-Girl turned around and leaned against the wall, wiping her eyes with both hands. Now she was sorry for snapping at- Braveheart.

Oh NOW you're sorry after 30 seconds? +1 horrible pacing.

Suddenly something inside her started to weaken with the pain of realization. How could she stand here, feeling sorry for herself, when she had just hurt Braveheart? He had been doubted everyday ever since she had met him, before, even. Knights would stare at him suspiciously, as he had just stole something from someone. They would tease him too, but with their words, and harder and meaner than Railan was to AG with her punches.

WHERE THE HECK IS THIS COMING FROM?! +5

Angel-Girl got up, just a little less clueless about her situation with Railan.

You literally just sat there and whined. You solved nothing. +1

But she knew one thing for sure: she needed to stop feeling sorry for herself, get up, and do something. She wasn’t sure what, but it was still another step to a solution.

You just emphasized my last sentence. And it was unironically. +1

She at least had a small idea of what to do in her head.

Contradictions! +1

She left that dark alley, and left behind her self-pity.

You could not possibly have done that. Terrible metaphor as well +1

She scanned the area, looking for the familiar helmet. But there was one exception: thousands of knights wore the same helmet.

This has been brought to light and may be the only good point of the entire chapter. -1

That wouldn’t be much of a use.

You don't say.

While thinking about this, someone accidentally bumped into her. “Oof!”

Super cliche and terrible way to move things along. Before we know it she was bumped into by senpai and will soon be plotting to win his heart. Roll cred- wrong sin. +1

Angel-Girl got knocked over, and fell into the dusty road.

Captain Obvious. +1

She immediately jumped to her feet, raging, thinking it was Railan who had just sent her sprawling. She was about to punch that dasked creep’s lights out,

Another attempt at swearing to sound cool but not actually swearing. +5

when she suddenly realized that the person who bumped into her was Braveheart.

Coincidence? I think not. +1

Angel-Girl rapidly put her hands behind her back and blushed her helmet silly. “I-uh- whoops. I was uh...practicing my punching moves, and- yeah. You know.”

THIS IS NOW OFFICIALLY ANY CLICHE HIGH SCHOOL STORY YOU HAVE EVER READ. +10 +10

Braveheart had got his hands up to block the blow, and his expression was filled with extreme alarm. His chest was rising and falling quickly, and his muscles were tensed.

See, we even have the description of the senpai abs. How nice. +1

When he didn’t get socked in the face, Braveheart left his protective position and relaxed. He opened his mouth to question further about ‘practicing’, but then thought better of it.

Reacting way too slowly. +1

“Okay,” Angel-Girl said, letting out a quick sigh and made her shoulders bounce once. “Look. I’m sorry I was so snappy at you. I didn’t have a right, even though I was mad. I was just-” “No, it’s okay.” Braveheart blurted, interrupting her. “I just- think that going after Railan is what she wants. Maybe if you talk to her when you’re a bit- calmer- would be best. If it doesn’t work, we-” Braveheart stopped and cleared his throat. “You- could always report her.”

You could always ignore her, because I wonder what would happen if the main characters ignored the plot device? Though in this case, the chapter plot device SINCE SHE DOESN’T EVEN COME BACK. +1

Angel-Girl let out a breath of relief. Braveheart wasn’t too upset at her. Unless he was just covering it to be nice, which seemed to be what he did a lot.

I'm noticing I didn't write “sigh”, I wrote “breath”. Taking a sin off because uniqueish way of saying a common term and I don't find anything else wrong with this stanza. -1

“Yeah...thanks. Again, I’m sorry.” she said. “Really, it’s okay.” Braveheart retorted quickly, in a way that said he was ready to be done talking about it. Angel-Girl was slightly taken back by the manner of his reply, but she brushed it off.

Well that was abrupt. +1

“Well, I guess sooner or later, I’m going to have to see Railan again.” Angel-Girl noted, more to herself than Braveheart.

Talking to yourself. +1

Braveheart hesitantly nodded. “So...I guess…” Suddenly Angel-Girl turned back towards the Advanced Training Hall and slowly walked towards it. Braveheart was startled. “Wait- what are you doing?” He inquired nervously. Angel-Girl stopped, and then turned around and set her gaze on Braveheart, but in such a way it made him feel weak. “To get this overwith.” She said casually, but with a hint of hesitation in her voice.

BRAVEHEART JUST FLIPPING SAID NOT TO GO AFTER HER. ARE YOU STUPID. +5

Angel-Girl continued towards the Advanced Training Hall, not a hint of hesitation in her steps, although she was feeling very much otherwise. Braveheart followed, nervous that she was going back to the spider's web.

There's either way too many contradictions here or Angel-Girl is good at hiding emotion, which based on this entire pity party is not the case. +1

As they entered the Hall, there was quite a bit of noise, as usual. There were knights doing their last-minute training, which involved swordfighting, target practice, and guaranteed injuries. Others were just chatting, some loudly, others quietly. Some would just take a random shot at training objects, then just sit there like a lump.

This is inaccurate. The Training Hall is usually devoid of ALL life. +1

But the most noticeable group was a rugged, loud, and bulky group of knights. All of them could be described as war weapons, and you definitely wouldn’t want to mess with them. Railan was nowhere in sight, but AG could hear her occasionally joining the conversation of the tough band of gremlins.

Using metaphors confusingly. Also, too lazy to write Angel-Girl’s full name again. +2

Angel-Girl took a deep breath, then called out. "Railan, I'm here." she pretended to sound angry.

Why does it matter if you sound angry or not? Why not sound like you're going to skip with her in a field of flowers while you're at it? +1

Some of the knights stopped talking, looked towards Angel-Girl, and started to grin grotesquely. "Hey, Railan! I think one of the losers decided to confront you again!”

Attempting to sound mean just sounds like a middle school wannabe bully whose insults no one takes seriously. +1

One of them yelled, his face turning towards a dark corner. The female menacing voice of Railan came out it. “Add it to my list of who I’m going to beat up. I have much better things to do than mess with it.” It said insultingly.

The whole sentence is confusing. It, it, it, it. +1

Her minions laughed rudely at Angel-Girl, and a few other knights snickered. Angel-Girl stole a glance at Braveheart, who had his two fists balled at his sides furiously. Even though he was usually timid, he could be awfully murderous at times.

Adding “awfully” to describe something that isn't actually awful. Also, minion laughing. +2

AG turned back towards the voice. "Quit playing games, Railan. If I’m not good enough for you to mess with, then are you gonna send your minions after me?"

Moving away from the “fighting the minions first like they're security guards”, to the “fight me yourself” cliche. Bad either way. +1

By now the two had most of the knights' complete attention. "Fine. You want the hard way? Then you can get it!" Railan said, sounding affected by the retort.

That retort should not have affected anybody. Except to make me cringe. +1

Railan revealed herself from the dark corner, walking towards Angel-Girl with a smirk glued on her face. When you got a good look at her, you could really tell Railan was NOT like other girl knights- and not in a good way. But when you stared at her, she made the others look like Jellies.

The description literally tells me nothing about her appearance. Maybe she looks like the Royal Jelly. Heck she could look human. +1

She began to intimidate Angel-Girl by circling her, and her minions started cackling menacingly.

Circling-rival-to-intimidate-them cliche. +1

"So you’re back for the Pulsar. Did you need it so bad? Aw, I'm sorry.” She made an exaggerated sad-pouty baby face. “I'd give it to you, but-" She pulled out the 'given' Pulsar, and toyed with it teasingly. "-But it's mine now. You’re not getting it back without hitting me first."

I'm honestly not sure if Railan is more cliche than the later antagonist. I'm going to give Railan 20+ sins due to vomit-inducing actions. +20 Railan sins.

Angel-Girl's eyes flared, and she had to fight to get them back to normal. The opportunity to sock Railan in the face, again and again, was super tempting. But AG knew that’s all she was waiting for. That’s what she should’ve noticed all of these years.

Not noticing the obvious. +1

Okay, that’s it. I’m not fighting with her again.
"No. I thought we could sort this out like real knights."

A pathetic spin on “sort this out like real men”. +1

Now it was Railan's turn to become angry, but she quickly replaced it with a plastic smirk again. "Aw, is the loser a little Scaredy-Kat?" She then walked over to her, and crossed her arms. "Let’s see if you’ll fly out of the Training Hall after this then!" Her smirk faded into a fierce scowl as she then threw her fist back, and before AG could react, Railan squarely hit her right on the nose. Angel-Girl reeled backwards and fell, holding her nose.

Wasn't Railan already angry? Also Angel-Girl has serious reaction time issues for a Vanguard specialized in combat. +1

"Come on, baby! Fight me!" Railan threw little mock jabs to intimidate AG some more, then kicked her side- HARD.

The embodiment of villains you know are gonna go down because the Mary Sue is gonna pull the magic jujitsu. +1

Angel-Girl saw stars,

Seeing stars. +1

but also saw Braveheart's look of sheer horror and anger, and how he jumped onto Railan's back, trying to pin her to the floor. Railan looked surprised, but she pulled back her muscular arms and threw Braveheart over his shoulders and into a training gate. He sailed through the air and crashed-landed right into the metal with a sickening thud, but was immediately back on his feet. A chant of 'Fight, fight, fight!' rose up.

Not describing battle scenes and moves well. Also, I really doubt people would gather around and- oh right, this is high school. +1

Much as AG was glad Braveheart was standing up for her, she knew that she couldn’t let him babysit her much longer. And she knew that no matter what she did, unless she fled, she would have to fight. And there’s no way I’m humiliating myself again. She thought.

FLEE ANYWAY YOU STUPID! DO YOU WANNA DIE OVER PRIDE? +5

Braveheart and Railan were trying to get each other in headlocks, and Braveheart was failing at his attempts miserably. Railan whisked around him and then flipped him over, letting him collide with the floor.

Fight pace insanely fast. +1

Everyone was cheering furiously now. Railan reached over and forced motionless Braveheart to get up, and when he did, she put her fist around his neck and started choking him. Now her minions were surprised at this, but they didn’t care at all about the little pipsqueak. Braveheart frantically clawed at her hands, but she just kept smirking, not at all affected.

Do you think everyone would be attacking Railan or calling some kind of law enforcement by now? Huh? What's that? It's high school? Oh right, I forgot. +1

She leaned over and whispered in his ear. “This is what happens when rejects like you mess with us. I hope you’ve learned a lesson, otherwise you’ll land in the infirmar-”

Attempt to be evil fails by a long shot. +1

And suddenly Railan was plowed into, forced to plummet to the floor. She gasped and clutched her stomach, curling into a ball. She wheezed for air, and everyone stared at AG as she stood up shakily, but triumphantly. She glared with red-rimmed eyes at the gasping and croaking Railan. “Nobody. Hurts. My. Friends.” She growled with ferocity of a Senior Vanguard,

Power of friendship ex machina. I believe Equestria is nearby. +1

and then held out her hand. “I believe I was able to hit you. So give.”

You really think she'll honor her joke? You must be the joke instead. +1

Railan just wheezed at AG, unable to say anything except through the pained and shocked expression of her face. So Angel-Girl just walked closer, and slowly bent over to take the gun back to it’s rightful owner. But as she did, Railan tried to kick her away, but the attempt failed.

TOLD YA SO. +1

Angel-Girl easily side-stepped it and retrieved the gun. “You could be better than that, you know. Trying to take me down after I won fair and square?” Angel-Girl said with pretended amazement.

So she saw that coming but said it anyway? That is completely pointless! I would've been satisfied if she just took the gun right afterwards and walked away! +1

She looked at the minions with the ‘Don’t come after me or I’ll pulverize you’ look, and they paled, their tough appearance disappearing. They turned tail and fled out the exit, pushing other knights out of their way in their hurry.

“The-boss-got-their-butt-whipped-so-lets-flee” cliche. +1

After they watched the others leave, everybody turned and stared at Angel-Girl, gaping in amazement at the display. Angel-Girl just waved, a little nervously, then went over to Braveheart, who had seen the whole thing from the floor. AG held out her hand to Braveheart, who took it with a bruised hand. She pulled him up with a small grunt, then let go of him and exited. When she saw that he wasn’t following her, she looked back to see him staring at her in a daze. She rolled her eyes, came back up the steps and dragged Braveheart out of the Advanced Training Hall, all eyes following them until they were gone from sight.

What was so special about that “display” that requires you to gawk for more than 3 seconds? The way everyone acted, I bet this happens everyday. “Oh yeah someone got whipped in a fight earlier, but that's not important.” +1

Back in the Town Square, Angel-Girl sat down on the steps of the fountain, ignoring the looks of other curious knights who weren't in the Training Hall when the situation happened.

How would they know something happened?! +1

Braveheart sat down too, a worried look now in his eyes. "You okay?" He asked, flinching at the other knights' looks. Angel-Girl didn't answer, she was too deep in thought. I did it. I can't believe I did it! She shivered with satisfaction at her hard-won accomplishment.

WHAT ACCOMPLISHMENT?! Getting your gun back and beating someone up? Oh let's just cross that off the ol’ bucket list! +1

Braveheart misinterpreted it as part of her injury and looked even more concerned. Uh...AG?" He asked, and VERY hesitantly tapped her shoulder. Angel-Girl jumped, and Braveheart tensed. "Sorry!" Angel-Girl turned to him, her bloody nose now dry.

You don't get a dry bloody nose in three minutes. Those things can last awhile. +1

"Um, yeah, I'm okay. Just a little sore..." she gave Braveheart a weak smile, then she winced as Braveheart’s tap decided to register as pain against a large bruise on her shoulder. “On second thought, I think I’ll go lay down for a bit. And-” she looks around the Square. “It’s probably best to avoid Railan for a while. I’ll see you later, ‘kay?” “Sure. Yeah. See you.” Braveheart muttered, his mind somewhere else than here.

Avoid for awhile? How about report her to the GMs and get her banned? +1

Angel-Girl waved, with a little smile, to Braveheart, and he watched her as she walked- or rather, limped- around the fountain to Garrison.

Braveheart was just over in his mind-Equestria and now he's watching Angel-Girl leave? WHAT?! +1

~END~

That's Chapter 1 for you...I hope you didn't die reading it and laughed like I did. .-.

Chapter Sin Count: 139 + 20 Railan Sins

Post more sometime. K, goodnight.

Thu, 06/14/2018 - 10:05

Xaurian

owo what's this?

I accidentally started a fad. I'm not sure whether to be amazed or mildly concerned by this.

One bit of advice though:

After that...eye-searing attempt to allow me to use italics, I eventually settled on an interesting trick with formatting when it comes to pulling lines from the fic using the definition list tags. Example:

Line from the fic.

[insert reaction. Example image for input.]

Or something like that. I figured it was the most legible form I could use, so I'm passing on this tiny bit of info to anyone else who might want to MST.

Keep up the work, this is certainly popcorn material.

Fri, 06/15/2018 - 20:51

Doctorspacebar

Feron is not amused

((I actually started posting in double-parenthesis out of habit. Machinauts!))

This, this is... certainly something.

The Spiral Knights are a military organization, given that they're basically space knights, and they're in a state of crisis due to the whole "crash landing on an alien planet while fleeing our sworn enemies" thing. Given that, you'd think a knight like Railan would be getting severely reprimanded for starting her shenanigans. The lack of "DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY, MAGGOT" in this outfit is disappointing. If it's not knight-y enough, make it "FORSOOTH, DOWNWARD AND GIVETH ME TWENTY, YE MAGGOTE".

And it turns out tough guys are like Warsong troops. When the main guy goes down, the tough guys go down too. All that XP Angel-Girl lost, she could've promoted to Lord and been well on her way to Dragon Knight.

Why is someone named Braveheart not an awesome claymore swinging warrior dude? ...maybe -1 for subverted expectations? But then +1 for subverting them wrong.

Tue, 06/19/2018 - 16:33

Angel-Girl

I think I was 13 when I wrote this

I know, right. Where's the screaming sergeant.

And funnily enough I got the name Braveheart from that one movie called Braveheart. Didn't even watch it, I saw the cover and thought "Hey I SHOULD USE DAT NaMe"

And I'm glad you think this is amusing Gatrnerd, also tanks for the advice on formatting

Tue, 06/19/2018 - 18:14

Angel-Girl

Continuing the cringe

This chapter just ends up feeling like filler and exposition dump, so prepare to only be entertained by my comments.

Chapter 2

Braveheart sat on the edge of the Town Square fountain, watching a pair of Snipes flutter around and play with each other in the middle of the road. One was green, the other blue, and they wrestled happily while kicking up a tiny puff of dust. Braveheart let himself chuckle slightly as he watched the Snipes scuffle with each other. The green one finally pinned the other to the ground, chirped in triumph, and let the blue one get up. Then they flew over to a distant rooftop and sat happily together. Braveheart stared at them for a minute, then looked away and sighed.

Terrible way to pull out a relationship metaphor due to obscurity. +1

He could never be that close to Angel-Girl. He didn't have the courage. And if he ever told her about the real him- Braveheart shuddered to think about Angel-Girl's reaction...and the risk of losing his one and only friend.

Bruh, I'm sure you've got more than one friend. I've got more than one friend and you're my embodiment!!! +1 cliche “friendless”

He suddenly heard a beep coming from his holo-disk. His heart dropped down to his toes as he got up and sneaked into the alley he had been in only yesterday.

Useless detail. +1

He pulled out the holo-disk from his pocket, and hesitated before pressing the button that would project the caller. There was a clicking noise, and a woint, and a hologram of a knight popped up. He was wearing the Azure Guardian set, but the knight had pulled up his helmet. He nodded. "It's time. We're sure of it." he said solemnly. Braveheart's chest fluttered. This was it. His ultimate test. Fail, and he would be punished severely. Again. Succeed, and he would- well, be left alone, I suppose.

I just noticed that there's a first person narrator THAT'S NOT A MAIN CHARACTER IN A 3RD PERSON STORY. THAT MAKES ZERO SENSE. +5

"Braveheart! Where are you?" an all-too-well known voice rang out.

Voldemort?!

Braveheart jumped and turned to his right to see Angel-Girl come to a stop by the alley,

Oh. +1

but her back was turned to him. "Where are you?!" she called out, cupping her hands to amplify her voice. She shielded her eyes from the sun and scanned the entire square.

You think she would've planned to meet him ahead of time, rather than skip into the square and yell like a maniac. +1

Braveheart nearly panicked, but instead he cut off the call, shoved the holo-projector into his pocket, and flattened himself against the stone wall. He waited for AG to move on to a different area, then slipped out and pretended like he had just entered the Town Square, all the while feeling really shaky.

Why'd he feel the need to hide? He was fine after closing the holo projector! AND WHY IS IT A SECRET CALL ANYWAY? IT WAS SO VAGUE! I AM SO CONFUSED!!! +3

"You were yelling for me?" he said, approaching Angel-Girl, hoping his voice didn't sound as quivering as he thought it was. Fortunately she didn't seem to notice.

Imagining that sentence in an innocent voice. “You called me, senpai?” +1

Instead she was bursting with excitement. "We have the most exciting news that we've ever gotten!" she blurted. "Well, except for when that time we were sent to HQ to-" While Angel-Girl rambled on, Braveheart started thinking. I hope you'll be this excited when you find out the truth. Braveheart thought sarcastically. "What?" Braveheart asked, as curiously as his his voice could muster.

Dropping not-so-subtle hints in the narrative that he's part of something ominous. Or maybe that's his depression. +1

For answer, Angel-Girl brought out her holo-projector and clicked a button on it. And then Braveheart suddenly began to feel REALLY miserable as he watched a girl knight pop out of the round, flat disc. She would've been almost completely lifelike if it wasn't for the static that made the screen all wavy.

Star Wars holoprojectors. Plagiarism! +1

"HQ has discovered that the recent disappearances of knights in the Clockworks are starting to become more frequent.," the girl said in a pleasant but serious voice. "HQ has voted, and it has been finalized- you and your comrade, Braveheart, will accompany you into the Clockworks-"

Knight disappearances are one of the most common SK fic plot devices that I'm sinning this 10 times for no creativity. +10

Angel-Girl's eyes shone widely at that, by now they were either going to start becoming as bright as stars, or pop out of their sockets completely.

Metaphors. +1

"-at the location where the last group of knights was kidnapped. Hopefully the culprit can be found there. We have no traces of Apocrea, so we have no idea what could be down there.

Adding an irrelevant detail about Apocrea that is never addressed or brought up again. +1

Report to HQ when you've found out who is taking our recruits fugitive." the hologram faded away, and AG put her disc back into her bag.
"So, what do you think!?" Angel-Girl said excitedly. Braveheart struggled to make his voice sound surprised. "I- that's amazing!" he said, nearly sweating. "But...why would they choose us?" he continued. Angel-Girl shrugged. "I don't know.

More not-so-subtle hints that painfully glaze over Mary Sue’s head. +1

But who cares? We got picked for the most life-changing mission on the Cradle!" she fist-pumped the air, ready to burst with excitement. "But...we've only just become Vanguards. Wouldn't they choose someone more experienced?" Braveheart pushed. Angel-Girl lost the twinkle in her eye as she stopped and thought it over.

Finally penetrating her stupid brain by rephrasing the question. +1

"...You're right... that does seem pretty fishy...." she said, her voice much lower. She put a hand to her mouth in a pondering way. "Maybe they think we're more advanced than most newly promoted Vanguards." she inquired.

Of course, because you're THE PROTAGONISTS. DUH. +1

Then she suddenly shuddered. "I hope they're not shipping us off to Shadow Lair." she said, almost whispering.

More unnecessary details never brought up again. +1

"We already faced Vanaduke... what else could be in store for us?" Braveheart said, just as drained as Angel-Girl sounded. They sat there for awhile, although they were thinking different thoughts.

“Thinking different thoughts” makes me brain hurt. +1

"Well...they said we were going with a more experienced Vanguard as well."

Lazy way to throw in another protagonist. +1

Angel-Girl looked up, her eyes back to their wideness of curiosity. Braveheart had to force himself to keep eye contact with her. "Who was it?" he asked, and this time he was genuinely surprised. He had no idea that they were going with another knight. Nobody had told him about this new development!

Because THE SPIRAL ORDER IS CRAPPY! +1

“Some knight named Spiderstorm.” Angel-Girl shrugged "I've never heard of him. Anyways, we have to meet up with him in about 30 minutes." she continued.

Knowing protagonist's name before meeting protagonist. +1

"I guess I'll go pick my inventory..." Braveheart murmured. Angel-Girl bobbed her head in agreement, but didn't move.
She was peering at Braveheart with a look that started to scare him into thinking that she was suspicious, a look he had undergone many times.

Where the heck is that coming from? What's she even suspecting him of??? +1

But she moved on and walked towards an inventory station. Braveheart stared on at her for a moment, then shook his head and bounded towards a different inventory station. He was already wearing the body armor he needed, so he just equipped his Radiant Pulsar, Avenger, and his Rock Jelly Shield. He left the station and leaned against a wall, waiting for AG.

The appearance of name laziness. Again. Also, no one uses Rock Jelly Shield, okay? +4

Angel-Girl came back over to Braveheart, and soon they were both walking- side by side, and Angel-Girl sort of had a spring in her step- to the Arcade.

And following Angel-Girl was a flock of Snipes and Wolvers and Silkwings, because she's now Snow White. +1

Angel-Girl followed Braveheart to one of the elevators, and watched as he fumbled with the buttons. I wonder why Braveheart is acting so strangely? Then again, I'm sure a lot if knights would react like that to this mission. Angel-Girl thought, and she concluded that she was pretty accurate.

So naive that it makes me wanna puke. +1

Except Braveheart would've worded it like this: Why did I ever agree to this?

Braveheart perfectly explains my thoughts on reading this story. +1

Angel-Girl realized that they still hadn't moved. She thought he was having trouble with the elevator, but when she came over to see, a green snipe and a blue snipe was hovering over his head, and Braveheart was trying to bat them away. The blue one spotted Angel-Girl and fluttered over to her. It tried to snuggle in her helmet, but she gently flicked it off. Braveheart successfully shooed away the other snipe. He pressed the blue button that would take them down, and he blushed slightly as they flew down into the Clockworks.

This entire paragraph is metaphor that is horrible and has basically no purpose in this book, just delaying plot. +2

~~~~

Angel-Girl loved the elevator rides. The clunka-clunka of the elevator,

Onomatopoeia. +1

the thrill of the woo-wee

Yet another onomatopoeia. +2

you'd get as you sped down into the unknown. Well, at least unknown to most knights for awhile. But the best part? Knowing that beyond the gates of the elevator was a new adventure, just coaxing you to come out and play, no matter the dangers. Except for the Shadow Lair, of course. Only the bravest or most experienced knights would go there. Or you were just a fool.

No, the fools or experienced go to Heart of Ice or Dreams and Nightmares. The veterans with nothing to do and some money to spare go to Shadow Lair +1.

Angel-Girl was thrust out of her thoughts as the elevator jerked again as it reached the gates to Emberlight.

Being thrust out of your thoughts. +1

The bars slid down into their holes, allowing them to walk through into their destination. As Angel-Girl stepped off the elevator, she suddenly felt a rush of dizziness overcome her. Braveheart rushed over as Angel-Girl started to walk unsteadily. "Elevator rides always make me woozy!" She laughed. Braveheart surprised her- and, ahem, himself- as he grabbed her arms gently to steady her, then after a pause, yanked away awkwardly. He cleared his throat and seemed to be very interested in a vent on a wall.

Awkward-situation-to-create-romantic-tension-cliche. +5

Angel-Girl mumbled a short thanks and tried to push away the last few awkward seconds. She rested her gaze on a bench nearby, and there was Spiderstorm, sitting on the wooden seat! He was looking very indifferent, and didn't notice them. Spiderstorm was wearing and Skolver helm and Vog Cub Cap, and was equipped with a Barbarous Thorn Shield, DA, and a Fang Of Vog.

Enter the cold and strict protagonist that’s not actually cold and strict. +1

Angel-Girl gave a friendly wave. "Hi!" she called out. Braveheart turned to see Angel-Girl walk straight over to Spiderstorm and stand by him. "Hello, I'm Angel-Girl." She said invitingly, and held her hand out for a handshake. Spiderstorm looked at it for a second, then stood up and walked right past Angel-Girl onto the elevator, without a single word. Angel-Girl looked after him for a second, and then shrugged, but she looked down at her feet and uncomfortably fingered her Gran Faust.

You were asking for it. +1

Braveheart raised his eyebrow and walked over to Angel-Girl. "Don't let him get to you." He whispered helpfully.

Says the guy who can’t think about his love interest without being depressed. +1

Spiderstorm raised his eyebrows and smiled amusedly.

Obscure hint to future plot but it just looks like he's being a jerk.. +1

Angel-Girl didn't notice and flashed Braveheart a thankful smile. "Thanks for the encouragment." she whispered back, her smile changing into a radiant one. Braveheart turned his head away so she couldn't see him blush.

Love interest smiles and makes the other blush. Ho-hum. +1

Spiderstorm removed the smile on his face and stood erect, his chin held high like an army general's. "Alright," he said loudly, to get the two knights' attention. "HQ assigned us for a mission. Our purpose as of now is to complete it. No standing around. No whining. No hesitation. Break these rules, and you get left behind. Do I make myself clear?" he said with a true general's touch of discipline and sternness. Braveheart and Angel-Girl immediately knew he meant business. They both nodded their heads nervously. Spiderstorm nodded back, satisfied, and turned to the elevator and meddled with the buttons.

Trying to act tough but we know they won’t get “left behind” because plot. +1

Angel-Girl was the first to move. She walked to the elevator and stood on it, then turned and motioned Braveheart over, her nervousness flying away like a Snipe in flight. Braveheart gulped and walked over, trying to seem at least a little confident.

Braveheart is still my embodiment. On that note, personality insert! +1<.em>

Spiderstorm punched the glowing sky blue 'down' button, and the elevator began to lower. "No turning back now, newbies." he muttered. Both Angel-Girl and Braveheart were thinking the same thing: Jerk. The elevator groaned, as if agreeing with them as they flew down into the unknown depths of the Clockworks.

They’re right. Spiderstorm was a jerk to say that. But that also was less tough and more wannabe-tough, so OOC! +1

Total Chapter Sins: 61
Total Story Sins: 200 + 20 Railan sins

Holy frack, we're only two chapters in and there's already 200 sins. Granted, these chapters tend to be long, but still, that's a lot.

Two and a half chapters left, since I never finished this story. Thank enchiladas I didn't, or I might die from bad reading exposure.

Mon, 06/25/2018 - 20:04

Doctorspacebar

Again, good MSTing!

Why are they shooing away snipes? Do they buy those conspiracy theories about the Snipes secretly being evil?

"Our fellow Knights have gone missing in dangerous territory. That means we get an important rescue mission! Yay!" Our... heroes?

Spiderstorm? Who names their kid Spiderstorm? Is that just a nickname? How do you get the nickname "Spiderstorm"? Did this guy once fall into a pit full of giant alien spiders while exploring another planet and beat the stuffing out of them all before getting bit by one and having a painful experience with its necrotic venom that almost killed him, and that's why he's so edgy? Actually, does he get some kind of spider-chitin armor or a super strong spider-rope grappling hook? Man, that'd be cool.

Tue, 06/26/2018 - 20:48

Angel-Girl

Hallelujah it's raining spiders

Spiderstorm was actually my sister's Knight, but that name goes back to when we were like 7, so I have no idea how it originated. Get ready to be disappointed because he sucks too, and his backstory does as well. But now I wish I gave him spider armor.

Although I guess I did assume that everyone's weird names were just codenames? I don't remember his actual name though.

And I may as well spill it now cause im never finishing this story, DRUMROLL.

spiderstorm is actually a girl

Sun, 07/01/2018 - 19:33

Angel-Girl

DEATH SCENTED CANDLES

Chapter 3

Angel-Girl's ponytail flew up, and she nearly lost her balance as the elevator slammed to a halt abruptly. She turned her head to the left to see Braveheart grip the railing tightly, the bars appearing to be part of his hands.

Metaphors. +1

"Dasked rusty tech!" Spiderstorm growled and hit the console with his fist. The only noticeable reaction from the console was a tiny zap.

Again with the non-swearing. +5

Angel-Girl inhaled slowly as she tried to relieve the shock from the startling stop, except her stomach had jumped to her throat and was refusing to slink back down into her chest. But surprisingly, she suddenly had an urge to peek over the edge of the railing into the depths of the Clockworks.

And then she got vertigo, vomited, fell over the rail, and plummeted to her gory death. The end! +1

Angel-Girl gently took a hold of the railing and leaned over the cold metal. And there it was: The mechanical mantle of the Cradle, the Clockworks! If you looked all the way under the elevator until you were nearly upside-down, you'd see the metal shaft that the elevator was held in, and some spirals on the bottom that helped push and pull the elevator up and down.

Confusing...description. +1

Angel-Girl shivered as she felt a cold breeze rush by, and her heart was definitely wanting to jump out of her throat now. Maybe it was just the feeling that you get when you look over the ridge of a high cliff. But no, because her ponytail was fluttering around in the wind and her skirt was rippling. Angel-Girl did a double-take after seeing out of the corner of her eye a weird bunch of shadowy clouds near the bottom- well, she couldn't quite see the bottom- of the shaft. It was circling around the metal bars and seemed to peer threateningly at her, as if to say, 'Enter, and you shall never leave...' and a faint smell of evil and death hung in the air, which was about enough to make any knight feel scared out of their wits.

Dark-clouds-mean-something-bad-is-about-to-happen cliche...

Angel-Girl shook her head and looked again, but the shadowy clouds and sickening smell had disappeared. Angel-Girl shrugged and pushed herself back up, but she still saw the evil black clouds in her mind, clear as it had been when she saw it. The feeling of dread was still there. Angel-Girl began to wonder what they were getting themselves into…

...Followed by oh-welp-lets-keep-going-anyway-into-imminent-doom-cliche. +20

"Come on! You darn dasked elevator!" Spiderstorm yelled loudly, and kicked the bottom of the console. The sound echoed around their current position in the Clockworks, then left an uncomfortable atmosphere in the air, startling AG and Braveheart again. As if a coincidence from Spiderstorm's kick, the elevator jerked again and crawled downwards, groaning and clunking loudly as it went. Spiderstorm muttered something under his breath and crossed his arms impatiently. Angel-Girl sighed, put her hands in her skirt's pockets, and leaned against the railing.

MORE NON-SWEARING. UGH. +1

The gate of the elevator creaked open, announcing the first level of Tier 3. Unfortuantely for the party, it happened to be the dreaded Candlestick Keep.

Candlestick Keep can be annoying if you don’t do it right. Compounds are 10 times worse. But to be fair, this was written before compounds were released. Half sin. +½

Angel-Girl gave a groan under her breath, quiet enough so Spiderstorm wouldn't hear, although it seemed nothing compared to what she had just experienced.

I’m pretty sure dark scary, death-candle-scented clouds would be about as creepy as Candlestick Keep. +1

She pulled out her Argent Peacemaker and followed Spiderstorm through the No Return Gate, peering at the ghostly darkness. Braveheart, in attempt to make a good impression on Spiderstorm, confidently walked through the gate and pulled out his Radiant Pulsar. Angel-Girl gave a thumbs-up to Braveheart, but had a nervous smile on her face.

Why do you need an impression? He’s been ignoring you since the elevator went down. +1

Braveheart cleared his throat. "So, did HQ give you anymore information than they gave us? We got about zilch." he said to Spiderstorm.

Well he won’t ignore you now. Also, “zilch”? Really? +1

Spiderstorm shook his head as he disintegrated a few gray boxes without hesitation, clearing a path for the group. "Nope. Go on expedition, get to the end, then wait for further instructions. Nothin' else."

Just like every other mission played by someone who didn’t care about the lore! +1

Angel-Girl looked a bit disappointed that she and Braveheart didn't get an answer they wanted. Before they could retort Spiderstorm's answer, sudden eerie noises occurred,

“Sudden eerie noises occured” is another thing that rubs sandpaper on my eyes. +1 for weird grammar.

and the party stopped talking and quickly ran over to a blue candle.

One too many “and”s! +1

The blue flame began flickering gently as the wind from their speed passed over it. The group charged their guns and the noises ceased, and the silence was deafening. Angel-Girl braced herself for the enemies she was ready to stab to pieces- and they hopefully wouldn't do the same to her.

They can’t, because they’re Kats and can’t hold swords, you idiot. +1

Some ghostly Kats floated towards them, their mouths open wide and their eyes ready to pop out of their tinted pink heads, if they even had eyeballs. Some of them just stood there, not blinking once, and others dashed towards the group. One Kat shot out about five or so purple projectiles at Spiderstorm, who blocked a few easily and then dodged the rest. He then slashed the Kat through its middle with his DA, and it screamed and fell to the ground, dead.

The gist of fighting Kats, although I’m disappointed that I did not add the annoyance of them skirting around you and THEN biting/shooting projectiles at you. +1

Angel-Girl blocked a Kat bite with her shield, and then shot it with her Argent Peacemaker. It turned and fled back into the shadows, shrieking eerily in pain. Angel-Girl smirked triumphantly, but out of the corner of her eye, she saw a Kat sneaking up on Braveheart, with pure hatred in its eyes.

...Nevermind. -2

"Braveheart! Behind you!" She yelled and pointed at the Kat. Braveheart whirled around, just avoiding a bite to his foot. Instead it got a hold of the cloth on the coat of his armor, and teared a corner off like a rabid dog. Braveheart started hacking at the ghostly Kat with his Avenger, and it finally screamed in pain and died.

IT’S TORE! +1 for bad grammar

They had killed most of the Kats, and the rest had fled.

THE ENEMIES DON’T FLEE. YOU FLEE. +1

"Ha ha! Scaredy-Kats!" Angel-Girl joked,

Horrid pun. What was I thinking. +1

and raised her Avenger in the air victoriously. The problem was, the glowing sword was heavy, and Angel-Girl's arm struggled to keep it in the air. Her weakening arm failed to keep it there, and it swung awkwardly as it crashed to the ground with a loud BANG. Angel-Girl blushed and smiled nervously as Spiderstorm gave her a stern look. Braveheart gave her a nervous- but encouraging- smile.

Another useless scene that could’ve been easily made into something else. +1

Angel-Girl returned it, and she continued along the dark halls of Candlestick Keep, and every step she took made her halo glow slightly brighter.

Not so subtle foreshadowing. +1

~~~~~~~~~

Two hours later…

“[Insert time here] later…” cliche. I'm also imagining this in the Spongebob narrator voice. +5

The party trudged on throught the still darkened halls of Candlestick Keep,

Typo! +1

walking by what seemed to be the same candle they had passed over and over and over... "Is it just me, or is this getting extremely easy AND going nowhere?" Spiderstorm grumbled tiredly. Angel-Girl nodded, but it wasn't in her usual enthusiastic mood. "You're not imagining it. Seriously, we've passed that couch-" Angel-Girl pointed to a dark purple couch they were passing. "-Practically a million times! This has got to be a regular labyrinth." she said. Braveheart looked around from sheer hope that there were any unfamiliar landmarks, or maybe a hidden clue that might help them get out of this maze.

When the heck do Candlestick Keep levels loop? WHEN DO ANY CLOCKWORK LEVELS LOOP UNLESS YOU GET LOST?! THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE IN THIS GAME! +20

"Could I see the message again?" he asked, studying a certain wall. The other two knights both stopped, turned, and looked at Braveheart like he had gone crazy. He blushed and went on. "I mean, I was thinking that maybe there's something in the message, and- maybe we missed something in the wording itself that would tell us what to do. Like...like...a code, you know?"

Code? What even…? +5

Angel-Girl's expression changed, but it wasn't much better than the previous one. "Um....that's a good idea, but..." She trailed off, not wanting to be rude. "It's highly unlikely," Spiderstorm stepped in. "Besides, how would it help us now? Is there supposed to be some secret map or something that will get us out of this dasked hole?" Spiderstorm continued, his eyes as cold and unimpressed as ever.

Bluntness combined with non-swearing. +3

Braveheart looked at them both for a second, and then stared down at his stump-feet uncomfortably. Angel-Girl opened her mouth to say something, when suddenly a creaking noise shot through the air. The party turned northward to see a Grimlikin growing out of the black void, groaning like a creaky door.

Hm, everything seems to be boring. Lets throw in a Grimlikin for no reason to the plot! +1

Angel-Girl's eyes widened on reflex, and she yelled out, "Guys, quick! Find a candle or something!" She searched frantically for a candle and a fire station, which would be their only way to destroy the dangerous Grimlikin, and keep more from spawning. Spiderstorm hacked his way through a blocked path quickly- but calmly- and beyond it, there was an unlit candle station! He dashed through the cleared blocks to the fireball, the other two following close behind. Spiderstorm picked up the fire with his DA, and threw it at the candle hastily. It missed, hit the wall, and sizzled out. "Daskit!" he yelled in frustration.

More non-swearing. Also YOU DON’T PICK UP THE FIREBALLS WITH YOUR WEAPONS. +2

Braveheart was busy attracting the Grimlikin away from the candle station, and he called over his shoulder: "Try again! I'll distract this shadowy sheet!" he ran towards them again, then started leading the Grimlikin in circles.

Shadowy sheet…? Was that an attempt at lightening the mood or something? +1

Angel-Girl picked up a piece of fire- except with her gloved hands - and started yelping. "Ouch! Ooh! Hot, hot!" she juggled it from hand to hand to keep it from burning her strong gloves off. Spiderstorm slapped his forehead in aggravation, and Braveheart was starting to feel queasy from running in circles. Angel-Girl finally heaved it into the air, and it went in a large arch right before landing on the-

Trying to add some humor and in the process, making it less funny than it already was. +1

The room burst with bright light, making all three knights block the powerful rays, and the Grimlikin stopped in its tracks. It tried to bite Braveheart - who uncovered his eyes just in time and danced out of the way-

Uncovering-eyes-ex-machina. +1

before melting into the carpeted ground. Braveheart swiped the sweat off of his forehead and saw the candle shrink into a single, flickering flame. The others uncovered their eyes, and Angel-Girl sighed in relief before sitting by the white candle. Spiderstorm came and stood against the candle while Braveheart tossed another fireball into it to keep it lighted, then sat down by Angel-Girl

Candles aren’t THAT powerful when being lit. Also, no period at the end of the sentence. +2

"So, what now?" He said to no one in particular. Angel-Girl squirmed uncomfortably. "Um...maybe we should just wait here for now." At that, Braveheart felt both relieved and- well, something like this- Daskit!

Talking to yourself and more non-swearing. +2

"If we keep moving, we're sure to get even more lost. If we stay here, HQ will eventually come looking for us, and if we hear anyone, we can send up a flare." she continued. Spiderstorm grunted his affirmation, and Braveheart nodded half-heartedly.

But they were the search party already, if they sent a search party for the search party, they’d have to send another one when they got lost, and another when THEY got lost, and they’re stuck in the never-ending cycle of plot-device-labyrinth. +1

"You know...it might be a good time to try that code-thingy you suggested, Braveheart." Angel-Girl murmured. Braveheart straightened and motioned Angel-Girl to take out her holo-projector.

WHY NOW?!? WHY?! JUST WHY?! +5

Angel-Girl reached into her belt bag and pulled out the flat disc. She tapped the side of it and a perfect, 3D hologram of a knight popped out of it. The three knights gathered around it as the knight began to speak. "HQ needs you to finish what Recon Team started," she said "Our scientists have announced that they have found a possible way to open the core-" Spiderstorm's eyes widened at that. "-and you guys need to venture into the Clockworks and get there. Our top scientist will meet you at the overlook by the Core." The hologram faded away, and Angel-Girl blinked, then looked at Braveheart, then Spiderstorm.

Not the same message as in the second chapter. +1 inconsistency.

"There you go!" she said cheerily, as if they were in a green snipe-filled meadow and not a dark, endless labyrinth.

Angel-Girl is officially going insane to be sounding cheery in a place like that. Or she’s just a Mary Sue. +1

Braveheart had grabbed a charred pointy end of a destroyed box when the hologram knight got to the part about the Recon Team, and started writing- with a bit of difficulty- on the mahogany carpet.

HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO WRITE ON CARPET. Sure it's not fuzzy, but WRITING ON CLOTH IS WAY TOO HARD BRUH! Find an old book or something! +1

Spiderstorm now walked over to him and peered over his shoulder, followed by Angel-Girl. They saw strange numbers and words that didn’t mean anything to them, but to Braveheart, they were spelling out a message. "What are you doing?" she asked, curious. Braveheart didn't stop writing. "I'm trying to see if there's any sort of code." he said. "Oh. So that's what you meant..." Angel-Girl said. Braveheart nodded and plunged deeper into concentration.

THAT’S WHAT YOU MEANT?! HE LITERALLY TOLD YOU HE WANTED TO SEE IF THERE WAS A CODE!! WHAT?! JUST WHAT?! +10

While they watched Braveheart write, the chilling breeze turned into a wind, and the candle flickered violently and burned out. A weird feeling settled into the air, and Braveheart had to squint to see what he was doing. "Relight that, will 'ya?" Spiderstorm said to Angel-Girl, still watching Braveheart. Angel-Girl nodded, and walked over to the candle station- and she almost gasped to see that there was no candle or fireball there. "Hey! Where'd the...stuff go?!" she said loudly, completely puzzled.

Disappearance indicating the antagonist is near. +1

Braveheart and Spiderstorm were too busy concentrating to hear Angel-Girl or see that there was no candlelight.

Protagonists are suddenly in a horror movie where everyone acts stupid and keeps calling for their mom instead of shutting up and running for their lives. +3

Braveheart frowned. "It's almost like..." he said, standing up and circling the writing like he was curious, although he knew exactly what it was going to say.

It’s almost like I wasn’t even trying to be subtle anymore with his story! +3

Suddenly a creak and a bam came from the gloom, and even more eerie sounding noises filled the air than the previous ones. Angel-Girl whirled around, trying to locate the noises. "Guys...." she said agitatedly, turning her head slowly, her eyes bright with fright. The two still did not hear a single thing, and kept on concentrating. Spiderstorm narrowed his eyes. "Is that..." he said, almost in a whisper.

Horror film behavior continues. +1

A strange, dim, magenta-colored light came from the west side of the room, and Angel-Girl's halo seemed to brighten with her rising fear. "Guys...." she said, louder than before. They still paid no attention. "GUYS!!!!" Angel-Girl yelled, her fright now evolving into panic. Now Braveheart backed away from the deciphered message, and he knew he had to do his best acting. He and Spiderstorm whirled around to face Angel-Girl, and their eyes matched hers. "This isn't from HQ. This is a trap!" Braveheart exclaimed.

Oh so NOW you say that? Really? Are you serious? YOU ARE REALLY GOOD AT ACTING STUPID, BRAVEHEART. +5

Before Angel-Girl could reply, the magenta colored light suddenly swirled around to reveal a shadowy knight walking out towards the alerted party. The knight replied menacingly to Braveheart's comment:

"No, it's more like... a REUNION."

Cue the other cliche antagonist, only angsty-ier. +10

Total Chapter Sins: 124.5

Total Over-Arcing Sins: 324.5 + 20 Railan Sins

Holy fack, 124.5 sins. This was a really stupid chapter. But it doesn't quite beat the first for the stupidest.

The next is where stuff gets...worse. Maybe. I will judge it by if it gets 140-150 sins. If not then I dub it "Not as bad as Chapter 1 and 3". Put that on a ribbon.

Wed, 07/04/2018 - 19:23

Xaurian

This just gets more amusing

If only for the comments. I cannot wait to see what happens next. Part of me wishes all these fics were complete, so all of us would have more material for MSTing. The old middle school fanfics are likely lost to time, though. Ironic too, they were complete! Had I been prescient enough to save them to my hard drive or Google Drive, much lulz could've been had. But speaking of mistakes, one thing I would go back and change IMO if I were to do the MSTs again is to tone it down and try to be more critical instead of acting exasperated or shoehorning memes in. That was a tremendous error and caused many sins to be missed.

Anyway, wow this fanfic. It hits all the cliches. All of 'em.

Wed, 07/04/2018 - 21:43

Angel-Girl

Bweh

Yeah, it is disappointing that they aren't finished. If I had the time and mental health I probably would finish them just out of laughable stupidity, but I've mostly moved on from SK so it's not worth it. I also don't wanna write a full blown trilogy like I had planned.

But I do have a couple short stories I can critique instead, and if it's enjoyed I can sin my rewrite of AL, which is significantly less cringy than this I would think. Well, except for one scene I wrote at 3 AM but I may not include it, lel.

Anyway, welcome to Clicheville.

Wed, 07/11/2018 - 15:37

#10

Doctorspacebar

A dasking reunion

@Gatrnerd: Eh, some of the plot points were WHATworthy enough for acting exasperated to work. Like the Twins being loaded with nukes. "Pummeled by a nuke" in particular stood out as so ridiculous that I put it in the 5* Support Shield's description in Machinauts.

@Angel-Girl: Great MSTing as always. I almost imagine the CinemaSins voice saying each thing!

Also, "Grimlikin?" ...it makes sense now. That's why Lick is Ghost-type! Mystery solved, everybody!

Thu, 07/12/2018 - 17:44

#11

Xaurian

Ideas?

@Angel-Girl: "But I do have a couple short stories I can critique instead, and if it's enjoyed I can sin my rewrite of AL, which is significantly less cringy than this I would think. Well, except for one scene I wrote at 3 AM but I may not include it, lel."

Do it. I want to have some more lulz, because this was pretty funny already. I also have ideas elsewhere, but that depends on whether or not you log in every now and then like I do even though I've moved on to Warframe for the most part. Let's just say it involves mail and Discord.

@Doctorspacebar: "Eh, some of the plot points were WHATworthy enough for acting exasperated to work. Like the Twins being loaded with nukes. "Pummeled by a nuke" in particular stood out as so ridiculous that I put it in the 5* Support Shield's description in Machinauts."

That was probably the best part. I was mostly referring to overdosing on references and memes, though. That wasn't a good idea. But that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, cannot wait to see what happens next.

Fri, 08/03/2018 - 19:46

#12

Angel-Girl

Shadowy Figures and WHAT THAT'S IT

Eyyy someone else plays Warframe. Cool.

Anyway, I didn't die, I just had...life problems. And animation project file corruptions.
Don't worry, still going with this MSTing. I'll provide extra in light of my absence!

Chapter 4

Angel-Girl stared at the figure that had popped out from the shadows within. It was hard to see the knight at first, but Angel-Girl got used to darkness against her sight. The knight was wearing almost the same helmet as her, but it was a dull red that still gleamed menacingly, despite it's color. And she was wearing the rare Snarbolax armor that seemed to be darker than all the others that she had seen, which was few. And if you put that all together, and add red glowing eyes, you've got a creepy knight.

Embodiment of all fantasy villains. Dark and creepy and called “shadowy figure”. +1

"Reunion, huh? Deathwish is more like it." Spiderstorm retorted to the creepy knight's comment. He readied his weapons, and Braveheart did the same.

Acting confident in the face of danger when you should SLICE HER HEAD OFF. +1

The knight laughed menacingly. "Deathwish? Why would I ask for that, Spiderstorm?" she crossed her arms and smiled devishily.

Antagonists-knowing-protagonists-names-before-knowing-them-cliche. +3

"Especially when I have a nice little surprise for these wonderful knights?" Angel-Girl was starting to knock in the knees, but she gathered up her strength before losing it. Why are you so scared of this little fuzzball? You've faced VANADUKE, for crying out loud! Get a hold of yourself and concentrate! she thought to herself.

The only valid point in this chapter! Except, wait, apparently HEREX is harder to defeat than Vanaduke because WE ALL BROUGHT STUPID ELEMENTAL DAMAGE WEAPONS TO SHADOWPLAY!!! +1 to the game because spite

Angel-Girl slowly drew out her Avenger and raised it slightly. "Uh, so if this here wasn't already a surprise for us 'wonderful' knights, then what else have you got in store for us? Jeering?" Angel-Girl spat at the shadow-knight, trying to sound as confident as possible. But it apparently didn't work. The knight just grinned her evil little smile some more, like that only fueled her fire.

Of course it didn’t work. You’re an amatuer taunter, Angel-Girl. +1

"Jeering is going to seem like nothing compared to what I'm going to give you, brat." the knight said, edging closer to them.

You've ONLY been jeering at them so far! Also KILL HER YOU STUPID IDIOTS. +2

Spiderstorm didn't falter, and he sounded irritated as he said bitterly: "You gonna show us this 'surprise' or not, because while you sit there rambling on about the mystery you are never going to reveal, we have better places to be." He charged up his Divine Avenger as Braveheart glared at the knight with genuine fury.

STOP TALKING AND JUST KILL HER!!! +4 ...

The shadow-knight narrowed her eyes and grinned up to the full devilish maximum. "You really need to think what you say before you say it, because you have no where to run here, and-" the knight suddenly made a fist and charged a blood red energy ball. "You're messing with the wrong girl here." And out of the shadows about 10 Grimlikins emerge and start drooling hungrily, as if they were ready for their lunch.

As expected the antagonist controls shadows and phantom-Kat-ghosts. +1

"Oh, My. Gosh." Angel-Girl whispered from awe and fear. Spiderstorm knew that the floating sheets were too much for them, and sheathed his sword quickly. "We can't stay here! There's no way to fight one Grimlikin without any fire- much less 10!" he hissed.

YOU DON’T SAY?! +1

Braveheart stayed right where he was, looking determined and furious at the knight that was surrounded by Grimlikins. Spiderstorm turned his head and looked at him in the face. "We HAVE to run. We can't fight. It's impossible." he crouched and leaned to the side, preparing to run. "Precisely! After them!" the shadow-knight cried, and shot her hand forward in an 'attack' motion. The Grimlikins slowly but surely creeped towards the party, drooling from the thought of dinner. Angel-Girl was stuck to the spot from fright, so Braveheart grabbed her hand and dragged her along their path. She was startled, but didn't resist a bit.

NO I SAID KILL HER- okay fine. At least you stopped taunting with each other. +1

The flock weaved through the endless paths for what seemed like eternity, and they heard the maniac laughing evilly: "You can run, but you can't hide- even in the darkness!" she cackled.

Cliche villain-ry. +5

Angel-Girl, who was getting desperate by now, yelled to the others. "Split up! The Grimlikins will be confused about who to follow! If you find the exit, send up a flare!" Spiderstorm nodded without hesitation and dashed ahead, and soon he was out of sight. Braveheart and Angel-Girl ran side-by-side together until they came to a two-way divided path. They both skidded to a halt, and breathed heavily to catch their breath.

Because SPLITTING UP IS THE BEST IDEA RIGHT?! +1

Braveheart was pretty sure he knew what Angel-Girl was going to say to the question he was about to ask, but he went ahead. "Are you sure you want to split up?" he said. Angel-Girl paused for a second, then nodded. "It's probably the best strategy. I don't want-" she was stopped in mid-sentence as the Grimlikins came around a corner and floated viciously towards the two knights.

GIRL YOU'RE THE STUPIDEST STUPID THAT EVER STUPIDED. I’m adding one sin for spite and the fact that the Grimlikins got close WAY too fast. +2

Braveheart clapped his hand on Angel-Girl's shoulder in a sort of 'good-luck' way, then headed down the right path. Angel-Girl watched him go for a second, then noticed how close the Grimlikins were getting.

Yeah, watch him go like an emotional idiot. Don’t watch out for floating shadowy sheets, right? +1

Sweating, Angel-Girl faked a right and then sprinted down the left path. The Grimlinkins were fooled, and Angel-Girl smirked at them. But they weren't fooled for long, and then headed straight for Angel-Girl. Realizing her fate, AG lost her smirk and ran faster. Here goes nothing.... she thought sadly. Angel-Girl pulled out her gun and ferociously shot a few bullets at the Grimlikins, to keep them following her. "YAAAAAAAAH!" she yelled, but at that instant, ran right into a wall with a BAM.

Screaming at enemies for no reason. Also, more onomatopoeias. +2

AG unglued herself from the wall and rubbed her head. "Ow." she groaned. Bumping into walls while being chased isn't the best thing- but what is worse is running straight into a dead end.

Running-into-walls-when-you’re-not-looking- + dead-end cliche. +10

Well, that's what happened. Angel-Girl whirled around, frantically looking for another hallway. She banged on the walls, secretly hoping that there was a secret passageway somewhere. But alas, wishing doesn't really help in these sorts of situations.

No secret passageway ex machina! Wow! A cliche that’s NOT in this fan fic? Taking off 5 sins just for that!

...Lol nope.

And then Angel-Girl felt something poking the back of her neck, and she didn't need to turn around to know that the shadow-knight was holding her at swordpoint. "I hope you've liked this game of cat and mouse, because now-" Angel-Girl turned her head slightly to be greeted with red eyes that were filled with all the things that are the opposite of good. The villain eyes sent shivers down her spine. "-It's over. You lose the thing you treasure most- your precious soul."

...This stupid monologue from the villain... +5

the knight's voice was leaking hate and actually a bit of anger. The shadow-knight rammed AG into the wall with her fist and raised her sword, which was the rare Obsidian Blade.

Name laziness again. Also, it’s Obsidian EDGE, not Obsidian Blade!!! +3

But something about it was not right...like it had been infused a dozen times with the malicious shadows of death.

EDGY metaphors! Get it, cause it's like a sword, and stuff... +1

Angel-Girl stared at her in shock, then at the blade, inwardly screaming a telepathic 'help' message to anyone who might hear her. They sat there for a moment, then the knight rolled her eyes and lost her menacing voice. "Are you gonna just sit there and not say your last words, or what?" she snarled.

I’m...completely confused at this reaction… ?
Is..is this villain so cliche...that she actually EXPECTED Angel-Girl to have an eloquent death speech?! And she had to prompt her?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!
+60

Angel-Girl kept staring at her, and the knight decided that she wasn't going to get anything from this piece of junk. So she took on her shadowy-talk once more.

Oh so it’s not monologuing, it’s shadowy-talk? +5

"Goodbye, daughter of-"

You think I’m going to sin this for non-swearing, right? WRONG. What she was going to say was worse, because almost spilling plot, deserves a sin. +1

at that moment, AG had clutched a certain part of the wall she was flattened against, and a square portion of the other wall beside it slid out and hit the shadow-knight in the side. The knight flew across the room and landed on the floor.

Wall-box ex machina. +1

Angel-Girl was ready to faint, but saw that something inside the portion of the wall was glowing. She peered inside and the light flew right out of a hole in the portion of wall. Angel-Girl flattened herself against the wall again, and the light turned into a glowing orb that slowly moved towards her. And from the orb Angel-Girl could hear whispers that sounded like they came from the far, FAR past. But something about it was rather...comforting. Like it was a memory of home she had forgotten about, locked up in the farthest corner of her mind. And something urged her to grab the orb.

Magic orb thingy where if she touches it, there’ll be an explosion, or a vision, or some mystic experience thing- cliche. +1

As AG moved to touch it, she heard a "THAT'S MINE, YOU LITTLE-" and was hurtled to the side. The other knight had forced her back with some of her magic, and was now by the orb.

How the heck did she get up so fast? +1

And without hesitation, the knight grabbed it. At first nothing happened. But then all of the shadows that had surrounded her seemed to scream and dissipated into nothing. The knight looked dismayed. "What?! That- that wasn't supposed to happen!"

Aw, did you want a vision instead? +1

And then she was hurtled through the wall with a blast of light.

BOX-ORB EX MACHINA INCEPTION!!! +10

Angel-Girl saw the orb float closer to her, but she felt like she didn't have to strength to move. The orb stayed hovering over her for a bit, and then floated right onto her neck.

Suddenly Angel-Girl was surrounded by a blast of light. She saw fast-moving visions of the Cradle, and then a white, majestic ship, and then a bunch of knights who she didn't have the time to examine, and finally, a knight who looked almost like herself, but different at the same time. And then the visions ceased.

Sinning 15 sins because the orb both exploded AND gave Angel-Girl visions. +15

Angel-Girl was back in Candlestick Keep, but Spiderstorm and Braveheart were standing worriedly over her. Well, Braveheart looked worried. Spiderstorm didn't exactly.

Still keeping up the toughness to the point it’s uncaring. +1

"Ugh...my head..." Angel-Girl groaned and sat up slightly. "AG...what- what happened?" Braveheart stammered. Angel-Girl coughed. "I- I don't know..." And then Braveheart almost paled. "What?" Angel-Girl asked. "Um...you...look behind you." Braveheart almost whispered. Confused, Angel-Girl did. But what she saw knocked her helmet off. Her wings.

They were flapping.

WHAT?! SINCE WHEN DID SHE HAVE WINGS???? +1

Okay, that chapter was cancer. Guess it's to the next one...

Chapter 5

“You did WHAT?!”

Even over the hologram, Kora sounded and appeared absolutely furious. That was very unusual, since she was always so positive, even when delivering the gravest of news. But of course, who wouldn’t be when you heard three vanguards sneaked off on a fake mission when you were supposed to be doing other important Vanguard stuff?

More narrative from someone who’s never named in a third person story. +1

Anyways, there were the trio, standing in a concealed alley of Garrison, facing a very angry holo-knight, battered and tired.

Garrison has no alleys. +1

...And where is the rest of the chapter? Heck, where's the rest of the draft? +1 Unfinished draft

Well, that concludes Angel's Light-ning-Strike-Me-Where-I-Stand-I-Don't-Like-This-Story-At-All: First Draft.

Chapter 4 Total Sins: 143

Chapter 5 Total Sins: 3

Conversion of Railan Sins (20): 40

Extra Sins to the Game (Dw I love you GH): 1

TOTAL STORY SINS: 646.5

...Wow.

...Well, since we're done with this mess of a story, not sure if I should continue the cringe with the short stories, the less cringey short stories, or take a mental break with the slightly improved AL. I'll think about it, and if y'all have input on what to do next, feel free to say it.

Thu, 05/09/2019 - 22:11

#13

Angel-Girl

Hey so I like being dead

I got nostalgic and found this thread! Wow, it's been over half a year since I came back to this post. Sorry about that, life got INCREDIBLY grim for awhile. I'm a lot better.

But hey, I found a analyzation of my Angel-Girl origin short story nearly finished, so I went ahead and tidied it up. Here it is, if anyone is still interested.

Chapter 1

Song Suggestion: Galaxies - Owl City

"Keep it cool, Serah. You've got this under control." Yeah, right.

Sinning the fact there is a song suggestion. +1

It's amazing how the mind can be tricked to think certain things it wants to think...but seriously, talking to yourself, alone, in a rescue pod, hurtling straight for an asteroid field would destroy ANYBODY'S persuasion skills.

I'm sure that would be frightening but I doubt that could destroy your persuasiveness.

And it would also destroy your option called 'living'.

A dumb way to say “Guess I'll die.” Guess I'll die. +1

I've only been up and out of stasis for about three minutes, and already I'm fighting for control of my life from a bunch of danger-balls. 'Danger-balls', meaning a bunch of dirt-clump-shapes that can really pack a good punch- an asteroid cloud.

Already explained you're heading for asteroids. +1 repeated point

Stupid pod...couldn't it find a way to navigate AROUND an asteroid cluster?! I let out a poof of air sharply, my eyes narrowed in nervous-concentration and frustration. My hands are gripped on the steering wheel in the same motion.

Safety pods are not built like that. That's like expecting a school bus to have a built in GPS. +1

I grunt as I heave the driving wheel to the right, while using all of my balance just to keep myself from spinning everywhere due to zero gravity. The pod fails to do the same, and begins making 360s in the vacuum of space, barely avoiding an incoming asteroid.

If the pod was spinning like that you would not be hanging onto the controls. +1

Taking back control, I look back out the rear porthole, sighing in relief. Becoming a layer in a metal space pancake is not a good way to wake up. In my distraction, I graze the side of the space rock with a painful SCRAAAAPE! and I flop to the floor like a rag doll.

I don't recall you being outside the ship. You should be dead. +1

The pod shudders and shoots sparks from the starboard side, then a loud explosion rocks the room, signaling that the flight boosters have been damaged. I leap onto the console panel and try to put full power on the rest of them, but instead I lose my balance and press several other buttons. The pod starts beeping alarms, and it starts lurching, groaning and doing things it was never intended to do.

Clumsy protagonist cliche. +1

Finally getting a hold of myself, I grasp the handles that would allow me to push myself around the ship, letting my legs hover safely. "Whew..." I sigh again, and the ship finally stops being wacko. My stomach is up to my throat, and now I have countless bruises on my dark-navy skin. I let go of the handles and float slowly towards the console panel, placing my hand on the board, taking a moment to gather my wits. Except I didn't have a moment at that time- as I had pressed the airlock button.

Extended clumsy protagonist! +2

Barely realizing what was happening, I am suddenly whipped towards the hatch and catch a handle, the air in my lungs knocked out so I have barely any to use. Groping for the control panel, I hold my breath and try not to lose the precious air I have left. My feet dangle towards the opening leading to the starry abyss, and it feels like my limbs are slowly, agonizingly being pulled off.

You should be having your limbs pulled off. Actually, you should be flying out into space. It's a protagonist feat that you haven't. +1

I want to scream, but I don't feel like I have enough strength and my scarce air would be completely gone. With a desperate reach, long fingers and little luck, I slam the same button down as my vision goes fuzzy. The hatch slams shut, nicking my unprotected toes, and my vision slowly turns black.

EVERYTHING GOES BLACK cliche. +1

~~~~~~~~

All I can see is darkness. Blacker than night and lonely as can be.

Edgy. +1

But all of a sudden I gasp long and hard and my eyes fly open. I cough and cough, my lungs desperately and hungrily taking in the air. I heave myself onto my elbows and look around.

You should've overextended your arm. +1

All seems fine, except the lights of the pod had gone out, except for one which shone a harsh, red one. My pod must've gone into lockdown...but how? I think for a second.

Why would a pod have lockdown? I’m not sure if that’s a useless or useful feature for a pod.

I probably pressed something...again...ugh- I hoist myself back onto my feet, feeling dizzy and lightheaded. The zero gravity had somehow been eliminated, which feels kind of weird.

I hate any sentence that explains anything by “somehow”. +1

I hold my temples in an attempt to be rid of the dizziness, and after a second it recedes. Looking around, I try to notice if there is any damage in the interior of the pod, and when my eyes fall onto the console, I gasp and run over to it.

I run my hand along where the console would've been- except there is no console. Only a smooth, bulletproof sheet of metal covers it, and I have no way to access the ship. Lockdown! Isora, I am SO stupid!

Yes, you are very stupid, seeing as you are surprised by this when you JUST predicted it a few seconds ago. +1

Lockdown, even in a pod, meant I was bound to stay spinning in space until I hit a meteor, fell into a black hole, was rescued, (Like there's any chance of that happening-)or broke through the atmosphere of a planet.

Parenthesis. +1

No! This isn't supposed to happen! I gotta get outta her- I bang on the sheet in frustration, and in response, a line of electricity dances along it to my hand, mildly electrocutes me, and I fall to the floor in a small cloud of smoke, which doesn't help my current condition.

Lockdown does this? I would assume this is more of a fail-safe mechanism to stop...hacking...? Which is pointless because no one would hack an escape pod for a significant reason. +1

I groan and let my head bang on the ground, and curl up in a ball. There's no way I'm getting out of here now. I'm just going to end up from being a survivor to a space cube, and I'll never find out what happened to the Skylark. I think sadly. The thought of being alone when I died haunted me, and the idea that the race of knights might have gone extinct dances through my mind and laughs at me manically. I feel ready to cry, and wished that I had at least been put in a twin pod, which had enough room for two people.

Ah, the origins of the wonderful species called “Self-pity’, that we see evolved in Angel’s Light, Chapter 1. And I swear if this isn’t the worst origin story I read for it. +1

Suddenly I feel the sides of the pod get hotter, and I am forced to leave my ball position and almost fly into the backseat, if there was even a backseat. I grope for the sides of my chair and throw myself into it, grasping the sides so tightly that it felt like my hands weren't even there. I started to sweat from the heat and nervousness from thinking of how bad the force would be from the crash landing, but a glimmer of hope starts to flicker inside of my heart. Maybe this planet is habitable, so I CAN survive! And maybe- I laugh as the thought gives me some joy. "Sweet planet, baby, here I come!" I shout,

It’s FAR too convenient that only a few minutes pass after Serah listed this as a possibility. I think she needs some protagonist-syndrome therapy. +1

but there is barely any time to celebrate further when-

KABAM! The pod jolts as I feel it hit something, and this time my grappling hooks of hands can't hold onto the seat. I hurtle straight into the windshield of the pod, my head hitting the glass window. Hard. Everything goes black as my consciousness retreats into my head, resulting me in 'falling asleep'.

Everything goes black cliche TWICE in one chapter. And "falling asleep" is probably the cringiest way I've ever seen that cliche written. +5

I had landed.

Chapter Sin Count: 23

Oooookay, so I'm glad these bad writing pieces are so short compared to Angel's Light chapters. No idea if anyone still reads these but hey, it's fun, so I might come back with another one soon. Next one we meet Braveheart, oh boy, are you excited? I hope not, cause I certainly ain't.

Thu, 06/13/2019 - 20:02

#14

Xaurian

Me too

Life also got quite grim. It's the eye of the storm now. I honestly can't wait to see what's next while I'm stuck writing all the HTML tags. All of them. This takes forever to do.

Tue, 10/26/2021 - 00:17

#15

Angel-Girl

yes

Same thing happened. Life stuff. I wouldn't say I'm back, just temporarily re-animated for the sake of nostalgia. I really can't get away from this game. Who knows, maybe I'll do another one until my inevitable return to purgatory.

Chapter 2

Song Suggestion: The Gears Keep Turning - Harry Mack

I checked all the chapters, I’m going to go ahead and add +50 sins for the fact that ALL of them have song suggestions. Only good thing about this one is that the song suggestion is OST from this game. +50 sins

This is the second time I've blacked out today- what next?
I cradle my chin in my hands, elbows on the console, and I consider the options about how to escape my new prison. I had woken up to find that I had landed on a planet, and I had no idea what the terrain could be made up of. Still, you can hope it's habitable...right?

Um. I don’t think assuming the planet you landed on is habitable is a good idea, if you want to survive. I know some escape pods in sci-fi are equipped to detect this sort of thing but uh...I don’t think this one is that advanced. +1

The door is locked, and I cannot think of a way to open it while in lockdown. I glare angrily at the slowly blinking red 'lockdown' light, and it glares back just as hard. "Stupid...who would need lockdown in a RESCUE pod?!" I ask angrily, to no one at all.

Stop pointing out the flaws in my own worldbuilding. That’s my job. +1

I cross my arms and lean back in my chair, the pod dimly lit with a crimson hue. I feel something rub against my back, and I wriggle slightly to get more comfortable. I can't think at all when an object is physically bothering me.

That last tidbit about Serah was not necessary. This isn’t your first day at school. We don’t want you to tell us things about yourself you little brickhead. +1

When nothing adjusts, I thrust my hand behind my back and feel around for the source. I pull out the object with some difficulty, and hold it in front of me, and it turns out to be my shield.
My shield...My shield! I hit my forehead and chuckle at myself. I'm such a numbskull! I can use my sword to make an opening in the door! I immediately draw my sword, and the green and gray sword is rather dull, but I look it over, and I conclude that it is able to cut through metal.

That is a contradiction and any dull sword would not be able to cut through metal. I imagine that swords wouldn’t even have a similar enough material to cut through a hecking escape pod wall. +1

I stretch upwards, and thrust my sword into the new ceiling of the hatch. It takes some time, but after around thirty minutes of straining and cutting, the hatch falls in and I yelp as I barely leap out of the way in time. The air of the unexplored planet leaks in, but fortunately I can breathe it. I inhale deeply, as the air is fresher and more alive than I've breathed in a long time.

Then she realized the air had poisonous spores, she immediately started to suffocate from them and was dead in an instant. Her body was never found. The end! +1

But before I can even think about going outside, I know better to search the ship for anything that might come in handy. I find some extra provisions in a compartment, a cooking knife, several water bottles and a bag (to my relief) with a comlink. I can definitely use that. I think as I attach it to my ear.

With how that was worded, I thought you attached all that stuff to your ear. +1

Hoisting the full bag onto my back, I put my shield and sword back in their proper places, and grasp the sides of the jagged opening of the 'ceiling'. I close my eyes and enjoy the anticipation of stepping onto a new, clean world. My eyes open again to meet a welcoming blue sky, and it beckons me to come out.

Lord help us all, the sky is sentient. +1

I exhale excitedly and shakily, and as soon as I hoist myself out of the pod and rest on the top of it, my ears start ringing. I clap my hands to my ears and rip the staticky comlink away from my ear and throw it beside me, cradling my ears to remove the pain. Sounds of loud tuning come from the comlink, and suddenly a staticky male voice leaks out of it.

You must have sensitive ears. +1 exaggerated reaction

"-hear me? Come in!" The voice had been cut off so I wasn't sure what he said a t the beginning. But I definitely recognized that voice. My heart leaps with joy. I definitely know that voice! I think, amazed and startled.

yEA yea we know, you recognize that voice, SO WHO IS IT THEN. +1

If this person survived, maybe...maybe...
...Everyone else did too!

If this was animated, this is where the anime opening would begin.

~~~~~~~~

Recruit! Come in!" the comlink says again. I want to pick it up, but my arm seems to have stopped registering my commands, and my brain is too busy jumping around with joy. PICK THE STINKIN' THING UP BEFORE HE LEAVES!!!! My common-sense side of me roars. I shake my trance off and snatch up the comlink, strapping it to my helmet.

Jesus, how long were you asleep in that pod for? You’re a bit too dumbfounded for this to make sense.

Also, let’s note that in Chapter 1 of Angel’s Light, Angel refers back to wanting to go back to sleep in her pod. Did she forget how she actually felt when she got out of there? Man she really started taking things for granted, or it’s just my bad writing again. +1 inconsistency

"I read you! Over." I say into the tiny microphone, wondering who was on the line.

Wh- YOU SAID SEVERAL SENTENCES AGO YOU RECOGNIZED THAT VOICE. +1 contradiction

"Wha-?!" the voice speaks again, filled with shock. Rhendon! Thank Isora! A familiar voice is just the thing I need right now. “What- what happened? The Skylark- Where- Where am I?" I babble to the knight. "Oh crud..." he replies nervously. "Ah- I'll just give you the short version."

Aha, return of the non swearing. +1 non-swearing

"Our ship, the Skylark, had found this planet through radar, and it was radiating MASSIVE amounts of energy. We were trying to scan the planet when it blasted the Skylark with a large amount of the readings, and everyone in the pods was ejected...but many more knights..." he trails off. None of this is ringing any bells, and I feel guilty that it isn't. "They all didn't...they- died?"

"...Not all of them...wow, I think you've been asleep for long-khick- than you thin-" Rhendon says sorrowfully,

Y’know, if this prologue happens long after the Skylark crash, I wonder how fed up Rhendon is with standing at that outpost for years, waiting for more Knights. Wouldn’t they have stopped looking out for them on the daily by now? Either way, he sounds not fed up at all and that makes me irritated. +1

but the static is starting to get more- well, staicky,

Typo AND probably isn't even a real word. +2

so I can barely hear the tone of his voice, much less the words. He tries to say something else, but I can't catch his voice. "Hello? Rhendon? I'm being cut off!" I yell into the comlink. The last words I hear him say is "...Get to m...Rescue Camp..." and then the tuning noise comes back and Rhendon is gone. "Rhendon? HQ?! Do you read me?!" I yell, getting frustrated. "Argh! Dasked signals!" I growl-yell, slamming the 'off' button.

How many non-swearing sins am I gonna give all my fanfictions? +2

After a moment of pacing, trying to get the comlink to work, I know that it's busted. "I guess that's that..." I murmur. Sighing, I think over the message again. But where could Rhendon even be? It'll take forever to find him... Talk about survival practice...

In the original version, I actually recall putting in a bit that the comlink worked long enough to receive Rhendon’s coordinates. I’ll just say that I actually did something good taking that bit out, it was too plot-device-y.
But this is MSTing, what am I doing, no compliments unless I’m wowed. So…haha funny sin joke

It takes a minute or so to decide, but I pick a direction and cross my fingers, hoping that it leads me to wherever I gotta go. I turn away from the pod and take the first steps of my journey, and they turn into many more as the day goes on.

Let’s a-go…?

~~~~~~~~~~

Hardly able to take another step, I flop down against a dirt wall and try to catch my breath. Looking at the sunset, I realize I'd better make camp before all the things that go 'bump' in the night come out. I set down my sword and shield, kneel on the ground and part the strangish-appearing grass,

“Strangeish-appearing grass.” What did I even mean by that? Cradle doesn’t have weird grass. +2 bad grammar and inaccuracy

searching for stray sticks or firewood. I search for a few minutes, then seeing that I may have to chop down a tree, I go back to my 'campsite'

Why is ‘campsite’ in quotes? It makes it sound sarcastic. +1 bad punctuation

and stop when I see that- My sword and shield are gone.

"What in the world?" I blurt, my mouth dropping open in horror. "How on Isora could someone steal my stuff so fast?!" I question the air, which of course doesn't answer.

Serah really thought after seeing a sentient sky, the air might be sentient as well and be able to help her, but I guess whoever made this universe hates the air tribe. ...Wait no Nick I’m not talking about you please have mercy- +1

But, as if a coincidence, I hear a rustle from some bushes behind me, and I whirl around. I take out my gun and point it at the bushes, and charge it, but I'm sweating from what might lurk in the shrubbery. It rustles violently, and the thing emerges from it, and it looks like-
A...bird?

Murder it please, it’s probably plotting against you.

A tiny, fat, blue creature waddles from the bushes and stares at me curiously, cocking its head. I stare back at it, decharge my gun, and lower it. What IS that thing? I wonder

No period. +1

"CHIRRUP!" it chirps, and I'm so tense that I jump backwards and almost lose my balance, dropping my Proto Gun. It was startled too, and flew off with some difficulty, probably because it was so fat.

Unnecessarily clumsy, you don’t have the excuse of being an experienced Vanguard for me to combat that with, but you are a Mary Sue, so... +1

I sigh for the umpteenth time today, feeling very exasperated at myself for leaving my stuff lying around.

Picking up my last weapon, I then go and plop down by the dirt wall, knowing that I may be in for a cold night. Shivering from the thought of cold, I suddenly feel very grateful for the garment that covers almost my entire body. I lay down and try to close my eyes, but it takes a very long time before I get drowsy enough to fall asleep. I finally drift back into my head, but this time I really am asleep, relieved to get away from this new, harsh world.

The “garment that covers almost my entire body” is the proto armor that is basically a loincloth with metal on it. So I certainly did not describe that correctly. +1

Some time later, I jerk awake from a strange noise that almost sounds like a knight in painful agony. Wait- it really DOES sound like a knight!

‘Almost’ as a descriptor for something, only for it to actually be the thing being compared to, is my huge writing pet peeve. Past self please just...no... +1

I sit up quickly, cock my head and strain my ears, listening for the noise, and it starts again. It sounds like it's coming from the east! I jump up, and eastward, which is a dark grove of trees, the tops of them illuminated by midnight-moonlight. I don't think again and dash for the trees, wondering who was making the weird noises. Why do I feel like a knight saving the damsel in distress? I must've had too many bedtime stories when I was little. I think amusedly, pushing away a branch and stepping over a tree root.

HahHAHAhahHa it’s fUNNY cAUSE kNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, and tHEY’RE A RACE OF KNIGHTS, HAHAhahahaha...ha...end me. Please don’t make stupid inner dialogue quips like that when it’s OOC, jesus. +5

Every minute the groan rings out, growing louder with every step I take. I sweep back a curtain of vines with a swish

Onomatopoeia. +1

and enter a dark clearing. The light is so scarce that I have to squint to see the grove. And lo and behold- there's a knight! I creep closer and get a better look. He is wearing a male type Proto set, and his head is resting on a rock. I can hear that his breathing is labored, and I stand there and stare at him, listening and waiting, but it’s clear he can't see me yet.

I finally walk around and stand right in front of him, and now I see that his eyes are a deep blue and are struggling to stay open. Ooooh...he looks pretty injured. I wince, seeing that his left leg is a bloody red. I blink at him, and sit on my knees so he sees me clearly. His glowing eyes snap all the way open, and he looks almost...frightened.

I want to ban the word almost, please can I do that, I will pay with my soul I don’t care. +1

"It's okay," I say, sort of uncomfortable under his stare, maybe because I haven't been around anyone for awhile. But I feel so sorry for him, despite the fact he hasn't even spoken to me. "I'm...a friend." I say, choosing my words carefully and trying to encourage him.

"What- where are you hurt?" I ask nervously. He moves his arm slowly and points to his torso, and I lean over to get a better look. It looks almost like a claw scratch...a big one too. I think to myself, lifting a bag that was over his wound.

Every misuse of the word ‘almost’ kills some poor Robo Puppy somewhere in the world. How could you do this, past me. Keep this up and I’ll start making these sins worth 100 points. +1

I look to my belt and open a bag, revealing a roll of bandages and tape. I take out a section and tear it off with a bit of difficulty, then gently twist his belt so the bag doesn't touch the wound. I put the patch on the cut and press it tightly. The knight's eyes dilate from the pain, and I shoot my hands back in an apologizing motion. "Sorry! Um...this will hurt?" I murmur, and I hear this wheezing noise from the patient. Might have been a chuckle if he wasn't so injured.

I feel cringe at how Serah goes from being weird and unbearably goofy to just...socially awkward. It feels very OOC. +1

I continue my work, then put all the medical tools away and stand up, satisfied. "Better?" I ask. He weakly lifts an arm and does a slow thumbs-up, and his eyes squint in a certain way so I can tell he is smiling. I grin back, feeling sort of content, and must I say, it felt good.

Why not just go be a nurse while you’re at it.

I sit down by him, deciding that I couldn't leave until he was in better condition. "I'll guard. You try to sleep." I say to the knight. He looks a bit startled at my comment, but he doesn't refuse. He turns over, facing away from me. I watch him for a moment, and then I move over and sit on the rock, sitting upright. Go ahead! I'm ready for whatever nature throws at me! I think dutifully- and maybe stupidly.

I unironically call her stupid, whilst not realizing how unbearably stupid I actually wrote her. Oh and there’s her switch out of being socially awkward. +1 for cringey personality, +1 for OOC switch

Strange how I only have the weakest gun and a useless kitchen knife- which was taken from me-

Callback to when she actually cut through her escape pod hull with the sword (which shouldn't have even been possible logically), yet she calls it the weakest sword. She made a 360 of "my sword is super strong" to "my sword can't even butter bread". Also, why does she note having her sword, when she knows she doesn't even have it on her. +2 for inconsistencies

to defend myself, no wonder I sound stupid. Oh well.

Serah, being self aware is not going to make your personality any less of a cardboard sandwich. +1

I feel wide awake with the knowledge that I need to keep this guy safe, but I somehow start to nod, and then the next thing I know, daybreak is coming and there's another rustle in the bushes.

Here comes a giant snipe this time.

I jerk up, and pull out my gun, and whirl my head around to hear more sounds. The bad news is that they sound like footsteps. The good news is...yeah, there's none. I hear a snicker and look in front of me to see a pair of glowing red eyes. Funny how red eyes look absolutely evil, it must've been an addition to becoming a villain or something. And the eyes are starting to multiply.

I went from using a crap ton of cliches, to using a crap ton cliches while implying they are enjoyable now just because I vaguely poke fun at them, yet I do nothing interesting with them. I don’t know which one is worse anymore. +1

Sweating, I don't know whether to wake up my new (temporary?) comrade or not. Apparently I don't have time to consider my options, because the first pair of eyes emerge from the shadows. What comes out makes me raise my eyebrows high up. The creature looks like a wolf that stands up on its hind legs, wore clothes, and has a freaky mask with a strange symbol on the front.

Parenthesis. Also I neglected to mention I change tenses a lot- I’ll save me some time and add 20 sins for that. +1 Parenthesis, +20 constant tense changes

"Heh, heh, heh. Look what we got here." it sneers, while revealing an ax. Now I start to get REALLY freaked out at the talking-wolf. And to make things worse, about 15 others come out, each either having a glowing staff with stranger clothes than the others or axes like the first one.

Oh no I’m so scared.

The injured knight below me starts to stir, and I am inwardly screaming and running all over the place. Inwardly.

I’d be surprised at the sudden change in maturity level, but honestly, her inner monologue is that of a 13 year old. And why did she even need to emphasize this? +1

"It's loot time, guys!" the first one yells, and raises his ax in the air. Aaaaaaand I'm dead. So very, very dead. I think, starting to panic.

I am so mad that this is a quote stolen from Kung Fu Panda- great movie but I just...that is not a line I’d suggest stealing. +1

Chapter Sin Count: 43
Overall Chapters: 70

And it continues to get worse. Yay but also not yay. We'll see if I do another, it gets very...off the rails.

Tue, 09/21/2021 - 15:11

#16

Angel-Girl

yes, but this time I actually keep a promise

Didn't expect to see me again? Well, I didn't either! So we're all surprised here. Take more of my cringe.

Chapter 3

Song suggestion: Unforgiving Onslaught - Original Spiral Knights Soundtrack - Harry Mack

Hello again song suggestion, like that one weirdo at a party, we greet you politely, but wish you were not here.

I wish I had an ounce of courage right now. Of course everyone who's encountered mobs of wolf-people without tails is going to feel like that.

I really don’t like that I open these chapters with inner monologuing that is trying to be hashtag relatable. +1

Don't forget to add they're staring at all of your weapons hungrily and saying stuff like "Look at that shiny gun!" or "How much do you think that helmet would cost?" Not exactly the best confidence booster coming from monsters, when they're plotting to strip you down to the last layer- and knights NEVER went anywhere without their armor. I definitely didn't want anyone to my head without a helmet. So I guess I'll just have to-

That is actually creepy, like a bit too creepy for this game, jesus. Also, I missed a word. +5 for unexpected and overdone creepiness, +2 for missed word

"Wha- What's happening?" a male voice comes from behind me, and I nearly jump. I wheel my head around to see the injured knight stand up slowly, but he still looks like he's in pain. I fight back the urge to say "You can talk?" and say "See for yourself." while gesturing towards our newest enemies.

You ever have to fight your own stupid comebacks from coming out? +1

I expect him to look scared, but he looks a bit confident instead, like he's seen and fought 10 times more the amount of these creatures. He comes up on the rock beside me and draws his sword without hesitation. I just stare at him, wondering how he manages to look so...brave when he was only a recruit. And I don't mean like those recruits who just charge into battle because they like it. He was more like he was going into battle like a soldier who was used to fighting fifteen-to-one.

Hmmm you think this is important Serah? Lol no I guess we’re just gonna ignore the fact that this recruit carries himself as a veteran. +1

Then I knock myself out of my thoughts, noticing that he had turned his head to look at me with a 'why are you staring at me' look.

Because ‘why are you staring at me’ is a registered emotion in the dictionary. +1

I whirl my head back to see that the monsters had gotten only 3 feet away from our rock. My energized heart picked up its beat, sending sparks of life throughout my veins,

I see what you did there. Oddly, I don’t disapprove. That is all.

adrenaline sending me to battle mode. I shoot a glowing lime-green ball from my gun at the nearest one, and it flew backwards into a tree, slumping on impact.

It takes several shots to kill any tutorial-level enemy, unless you charged your gun, which she didn’t. One might say ‘that’s game logic not reality logic’, to which, I don’t care. She has a PEA SHOOTER. +1

The others didn't falter, and just start chucking axes towards us. I ducked under quite a few of them, but made a wrong move and the handle of one of the axes hit me right in the gut. HARD. I double over and hold my stomach, which felt like had just burst, but I am pretty sure I'm exaggerating.

There’s the useless poke at my own writing, yes, you are exaggerating, now sHUT UP. +1 Also, incorrect grammar. +1

And at that moment my gun slides out from under me, but it feels like it was grabbed. I turn my head slowly to see one of the monsters jumping in and out of the mob with my gun. And then it clicks in my head. These creatures are the bandits that stole my weapons! They've got to be what stole my other stuff- And without further ado, I take a flying back leap and crash straight into the little menace who falls to the ground. "OOOFFF!" it yells, and we begin scuffling. Once or twice I get a punch in his face, but am presented with a bunch of savage bites.

Gremlins biting? That’s a missed enemy attack opportunity there for the game. Leave that to the Wolvers I guess.

In the end I grab the lime-green weapon and knock the butt of it on the back of the creature's head, and it goes limp. I get up and dust myself off, looking around. More than a third of our attackers had been taken down while I had been fighting one-to-one. It takes all of my willpower to not let my mouth drop open and look stupid.

Still fighting the urge to be stupid, in a very un-charming way. Jesus. +1

Also, the other Knight has the same equipment as Serah, how would he have taken them down that quickly? Yea yea, supposedly he’s experienced. That doesn’t change the fact he has crappy weapons that would slow him down. +1

Instead I rush into battle, but since I have no sword, I yell and swing my fists this way and that, and try to dodge as much stuff as I can.

Barbarian method. Before we know it, she has her sword in her head.

I get a few good punches, but at one point I trip over a fallen wolf-guy and get caught off guard, just long enough to get hammered by 3 axes at them same time.

Typo. +1 Also her “wolf-guy” descriptions of the gremlins are getting rather annoying- just call them creatures or aliens or something… +1 And again, poor grammar. +1

I get cut right on the arm, but leap over their heads and shoot all three of them to the ground. Landing in a circle of fallen enemies, there are only a few left, and they look pretty horrified, holding each other, cowering against a tree.

The scared gremlins are supposed to come off as comedic, but instead it feels poorly placed and/or rather dark. +1

The image makes me smirk intensely.

INTENSE SMIRKING. That’s something right out of a 1D fanfiction vocabulary. +1

"If you all don't want to be slammed into a tree trunk, you better tell me where you hid my shield and sword." I say as threateningly as my voice allows. The other knight leaps off the rock and lands beside me, revealing his sword.
One of them shakily points at a fallen victim in the farthest corner of the clearing. I look behind me and see them- my lost weapons! I run over to them, and I nearly succeed in grabbing them when I suddenly see that the 'dead' wolf-guy- well, he's not dead. I have no time to react when I get a punch right in the kisser, with a painful thud.

‘The kisser’?? You can really tell how old I was when I wrote this. +1

I stumble backwards, holding my mouth in pain. Don't tell me he just dislocated my jaw! I think angrily.

That’s a rather specific injury. +1

I look up, seething with fury to see the little imbecile was cackling and rolling on the ground from laughter. "YOU little-" my head flames over and I fly through the air straight towards him,

Hold up, it’s a little too early for you to realize you have angel wings. +1

everything else gone from my head, including common sense. The guffawing maniac sees me coming, and tries to dash away, but I land straight on his chest, and I can hear the oxygen whoosh right out of him, like he sprouted a leak in his lungs.

That’s a metaphor I didn’t want to picture.

My eyes a flaming inferno, I grab his neck so tightly he gasps for air, and lift him above my head. I glare at him, our eyes level. "You don't mess with me." I growl, trying to squeeze his throat so he can't breathe.

The OOC disorder is real. Serah is generally goofy, cheerful, and later we see as sociable, but first she becomes socially awkward and now she suddenly sprouts anger issues??? Also, how are your eyes level if he’s ABOVE you. +1 for OOC, +1 for contradiction

Now he was kicking his legs and choking, and I swear that my eyes are real flames, he's sweating so hard. "You tell your little friends that if they do anything like this again, they'll regret it." I growl.

Oh boy, not the flaming orbs. +1 for cringey metaphors

Suddenly I feel something hit my under my feet,

Repeated word. +1

making me trip, and I let go of the monster and fall. It scrambles away from me and gasps, taking in heavy breaths. It retreats into the forest, and the others fly after him, screaming like babies and running like cowards.

Mind if I follow them? The Gremlins seem at least more interesting than these two dummies.

I get up angrily, and see the other knight standing by me, staring at me like I had just said I had saved all knights from destruction on Isora.

I'm noticing that these similes are VERY specific and long. +1

I realize that he had tripped me when I had nearly squeezed that joker's life out of him. "Well?! What was that for?! I almost had him!" I growl. The knights shakes his head. "That really wasn't the way." he says simply. "What do you mean, that wasn't the way?! He deserved it! And-and-and he was an enemy!" I almost yell, pretty sure my face has turned a bright crimson red.

‘Almost’. +5

"Yes, he was an enemy! You think that gives you the right to-" he snaps, and shuts me up REAL quick. I stare at him, startled and astonished that he would yell- he just didn't seem like the type.

You’ve known of him for 2 hours, heard him speak thrice, yet already know his personality? +1

Realizing he had started shouting,

FINALLY, there’s no ‘almost’ descriptor here for once.

he stops and says quietly "Sorry...I- just had a- never mind." he turns away from me, and I can feel some regret flowing from him. My anger disappears and I instantly feel ashamed.
I sigh, all the emotions flowing out through my mouth. "I- I just- I'm sorry for being so brutal." I apologize, and turn my back on him too. "I don't know why it happens. I just get so angry when someone does something like that...I kind of...have a lot of-"

Trust me, even I don’t know why it happens. +1

Suddenly I see a sunbeam shoot across the dirt, and I turn to gaze at the sun, which was now just above the treetops. I sit there for a second, and then realize how tired and battered I am. "N-nevermind," I dismiss the topic. "I-I think we'd best-" I yawn very widely, and stretch my arms out so wide that they feel like rubber.

Serah just turned into a 30s era cartoon, before we know it she turns into a Cuphead insert. +1

"-get some sleep." There is silence, and I turn to see that the knight is gone. My eyes search around the clearing to see that the other knight has rested against the rock, fast asleep. I giggle quietly, and go over by the other side of his rock and settle down, trying to shake off the last hour.

Pff. Based on that, I like to imagine the other Knight just heard two seconds of Serah venting about her anger issues, and said to himself ‘Lol I’m good I don’t want any of this angst I have enough of my own’. Then just walked away, laid down, and passed out. +1 for weird logical decisions

Chapter Sin Count: 31

Tue, 09/21/2021 - 16:00

#17

Angel-Girl

this chapter makes me look like a social butterfly

Chapter 4
Song Suggestion: My Brain Says STOP, But My Heart Says GO - Fm Static

I’m not even going to acknowledge these anymore.

My eyes slowly open to see the blinding glare of the noon sun. I shield my eyes and groan tiredly. "Morning already?" I murmur. Then last night's events come back to me. The injured knight, the little wolf-men, the disappearance of my weapons, and my angry burst. Like I want to remember THAT. I think. I lean on one hand and sit up, rubbing my eyes. I lean to my right and look on the other side of the rock, but the knight was gone.

He ditched you because he sensed you were a Mary Sue with random personality switches.

I search the clearing with my eyes, but he was nowhere to be seen. "Hello?" I call out. No answer. I lean against the rock and get up, then take a few steps forward. "Hello?" I yell this time, cupping my mouth with my hands. Still no answer. He must've left while I was sleeping or something. I think. Surprisingly, I feel a little sad he wasn't here. I really wanted a companion on my journey, but I guess I wasn't going to get one. Plus, he seemed sort of...lonely.

You really wouldn’t know if he was lonely. +1

I look down at my feet and put my arms around myself, a little down. Oh well. He may not even want a companion anyways. I think, trying to make myself feel a little better. My pondering is interrupted by ferocious growling, and I jump. And when it occurs again, I realize it was only my stomach.

In what world does stomach growling come off as something other than stomach growling. +1 dumb cartoon logic

I can't help myself from giggling.

You think that’s funny??? +1

I reach for the ration bag on my back and pull out some food. I devour a portion it,

Missing word. +1

but there's always that one rule when you are surviving in the wilderness:

Check your food for bugs? Keep it in bags so the Wolvers don’t smell them and find you?

You might end up getting messy without a fork or spoon.

… +1

Well, that's what happens. Too bad there aren't any mirrors out in the wild-

Serah is now coming off as a city girl that got stuck in the wilderness, and thinks there’s power plugs on all trees, until realizing there aren’t. +5

I suddenly hear footsteps coming up behind me, and I tense. I turn my head slowly around and look up. The sight I see makes me smile slightly. "I thought you'd left." I say. The knight grins slightly as well and comes around by me. "Well, I didn't, did I?" he replies.

No please sir run. Run while you still can.

Then he notices something on my face. "Um, you got something-" he motions to the corner of his mouth, and then I turn slightly red when I realize I got some food on my face. I quickly whirl my head back around and furiously wipe my face with my hand. Daskit. I think, embarrassed. Why don't survival kits ever have NAPKINS?!

Non-swearing, and annoying city girl attitude. Plus, awkwardness that really did not have to be there. +7

"So, um..uh..." I stammer, trying to think of something to say. "What were you doing while I was asleep?" I finally ask. He looks a little uncomfortable at that. "Um...it's..complicated." he retorts, a little nervous.

It’s been so long since I wrote this, even I don’t recall what he was supposed to be doing while absent. So now all I can picture from his reaction, is that he’s just awkward about needing to use the bathroom or screaming into the void. +1

I raise an eyebrow suspiciously, but don't push further.

Yes, because that’s overtly suspicious. +1

We sit there for a bit in awkward silence. I break it by handing him the remains of the food in my food bag. "I thought you might be hungry." I say, trying to sound a little cheery. He takes the bag and sits down gratefully, eating. I sort of stare into the forest while he eats, thinking.
"You know, I never got your name." I say. The knight stops in mid-bite, looking a bit startled. I'm starting to get a bit tired at all of his surprised emotions. What is he, a hermit who doesn't go around people much?!

Oh, well, there’s the poking fun at my future self. All hermits are equal. +1 Also, I hate to admit it, but that is rather ridiculous of him to get startled by every positive social interaction. +1

He blinks, then stares at his meal. "I...uh..." he stammers. "I don't have one." he finally replies, a little red-faced. Something pulls at my heartstrings, and I look at him. Here's someone who knows just how it feels to never have been named.

...What. You have a name. I’m very confused. +5 I know I was aiming for something with this, but I don’t remember what it was, so now I’m just perplexed.

I feel almost happy, but it's more of a contentedness in knowing that I'm not alone in my name situation. "That's really funny....not as in joke-funny, but- oh, let me get to the point!" I say, stumbling over my words.

The awkwardness is so bad that it’s killing me. Awkwardness happens, sure, but this is just...I have never, ever, seen a real life interaction with someone who was awkward that way. +5 for unrealism

"It's funny, because I don't have a name either." I state,

YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE ONE. +1

and the knight looks at me with an expression that almost looks like he was caught in stealing something.

That’s it. ‘Almost’ used incorrectly gets 100 sins. +100

"Well...that's a coincidence." he says, losing his look and starts eating again.

OH, YOU DON’T SAY, HERMIT BOY?!

"...But I actually do have a name...I made it up though. It's not fun at all to go around nameless." I say. "Anyways, you can call me Serah."

It doesn’t matter whether you made it up or not, YOU STILL HAVE A NAME. It’s not like you said to the guy “Yeah uh, I don’t have a name. Wasn’t given one and I don’t know what to give to myself”. +1

The knight nods politely. "What can I call you?" I inquire him. He pauses, then looks up skywards, the way people do when they're thinking. "I guess you can call me Hiro." He retorts after a few seconds. At that point, Hiro finishes his food and wipes his mouth.

I’m sinning this because I still know EXACTLY why I called him that. It’s because I watched Big Hero 6 in theaters that year, cried like a baby, and inserted the protagonist's name into my story because thAT’S JUST HOW DUMB I WAS. +1

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to go." he says, standing up and brushing himself off.

Yes, run. Get out of here.

"Wait!" I jump up quickly, and Hiro stops.

Welp. You have no hope now from this Mary Sue.

"Aren't you going to Haven too?" I ask. He looks startled again, then opens his mouth to reply when the words start flowing from my mouth. "If you are, shouldn't we go together? It would be a lot safer. And look how we beat up those little wolf-men last night! We-"

Please for the love of Cheezits just call them creatures or aliens. +1

I finally realize what I'm doing and I slap my hands over my mouth, feeling like I was a dam that had just burst. I must seem like an imbecile right now. Me and my big mouth! I think, wishing I had buttoned my lips. I always talk so fast when I get excited, and then I say the entirely wrong thing.

The unnecessary awkwardness trying to come off as ‘cute’ or ‘charming’, is overwhelming. +1

The silence is so quiet I can hear crickets chirping. Not to mention it's uncomfortable. I don't know how long we stood there, but it felt like a billion- no, a trillion- years.

Like I said, my age shows in the writing. +1

Me standing there, covering my mouth, while Hiro stood by me, staring at me like I was insane.

What’s worse than the awkwardness from one character over a stupid thing, is when the other ENABLES it, when realistically, they wouldn’t. +5

"Uh..." he finally drops the stare. "...You...really want me to come?" he finally replies. I uncover my mouth slowly and wonder about him for the millionth time today. Why would he ask that? Come to think of it, why does he even act the way he does? I think.

That is such a bad switch from dense and awkward, to perceptiveness. +1

But I nod. "If I didn't, why would I ask you?" I say confidently. Hiro considers this, as if he was searching any tiny bit of danger the offer could put him in- if any.

Serah, you likely don’t know how paranoia works, how can you observe it. You seem like the type that has a void in your brain. +1

"Well....fine." He finally answers. I nod and put two thumbs up, then go over to my things to pack up. "Then let's go!" I say, slightly uncomfortable but still kind of happy. Hiro nods and we both leave the clearing, getting farther and farther on our road.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES. Wow I totally can’t wait to see how awkward they get again.

~~~~~~~~~~~

When we started, things were quiet for awhile. And I mean both no monsters or talking. But we eventually shook off the previous awkward conversation and started talking again. I discovered that Hiro had been injured by a pack of lizard things called Chromalisk Whelps and the 'wolf-men' we encountered last night were called Gremlins.

Finally I don’t have to hear “wolf-men” anymore.

I wondered how he knew about these monsters when he had recently crash-landed here. Maybe HQ had gotten scientists here and Hiro somehow had found out about the creatures while the Skylark was scanning the planet, I dunno.

Back to being dense. +1

"Do you think it's about time to rest?" I ask Hiro. We had been walking for 4 hours since noon, and my feet were whining and pestering me for a break.

Oh no her feet are sentient now. +1

Hiro opened his mouth to answer when he suddenly tensed. I looked at him and cocked my head. "What?" he just stands there, and I follow his gaze to see another knight by his pod.

"Serah! There you are!" he says joyfully.

Rhendon!

Oh boy it’s the biggest idiot in the gAME. +1

Chapter Sin Count: 147

Worst one by far, thanks to the cursed 'almost's.

Tue, 10/26/2021 - 00:37

#18

Angel-Girl

'almost looks like a tree'

Chapter 5
Song Suggestion: Nothing We Can't Handle - Original Spiral Knights Soundtrack - Harry Mack

"Rhendon?! You- I thought-" I stammer, feeling as if this sudden meeting had just knocked off my leg armor. I had no idea he was so close to where I landed! I finally get out "I landed this close to you?".

wOW PLOT CONVENIENCE. I would sin this if it weren’t for the fact that in the game, you land very close to Rhendon’s station during the tutorial. So, you’re safe, past me. For now.

Rhendon nods, and then he notices Hiro. "Who is this you got with you?" he asks, surprised.

Because the situation of a recruit bringing another along with them has totally NEVER happened. +1

I look at Hiro, and am surprised to see he looks REALLY agitated.

That really shouldn't be a surprise at this point. +1

I look at him for a second, and then motion him with my head to tell Rhendon.
Hiro blinks himself out of his state. "What? Oh, sorry. I'm Hiro." he finally answers.

I wonder how long they stood there staring at him.

Rhendon raises an eyebrow. "You didn't tell me you were traveling with someone, Serah." He says a bit suspiciously. I feel a bit surprised at why he was so apprehensive of Hiro. That really doesn't make sense. I think.

It doesn’t. I remember WHY everyone is suspicious of Hiro. Spoiler (not like it matters), Hiro is a veteran that got banned, stripped of title and equipment, and was ejected from Haven. He was prowling around the outskirts which is how he found Serah. Meaning that I guess people would be on the watch for exiles?? But that reason makes no sense, if people get exiled in this story then he wouldn’t be the ONLY one. +1
Oh yeah. I never said, but Hiro is Braveheart before receiving a codename, I guess. Confusion cleared.

"I wasn't when I first came," I say, holding my hands up, fingers spread out, in a sign of innocence. "I found him hurt in the middle of a forest by a bunch of...lizard thingys, and I offered him to come with me after we fought off some more monsters." I continue, raising my voice a bit.
Rhendon doesn't say anything else, he just narrows his eyes at Hiro warily. We sit there in silence for what seems like the millionth time since I had landed here.

Y’all need to lighten up. +1 Also, my age is showing again. +1

Rhendon finally loses his look and returns to normal, probably deciding nothing was up.

Took you long enough.

"So you landed fine?" He asks me. I nod, but don't state anything about my pod going into lockdown. "Well I'm glad. Many other knights weren't so lucky..." Rhendon trails off, looking a bit sad. "They...HQ...didn't...survive the crash?" I ask cautiously. "HQ survived, luckily. But a lot of other knights' pods malfunctioned, so they weren't able to eject, or they...passed on in the crash...or...there are more knights lost in space, and hopefully won't wake up for a long time.

Hold up- do pods put you in stasis in the game?? As far as I know they just yeet you to Cradle...so theoretically, if any pods did not enter the atmosphere, the Knights inside would eventually just. Die. ...Huh.
Well now I’m confused and slightly disturbed, so +1 to the story for that.

Rhendon's eyes become slightly sad. "Serah, that's what happened to you. I'm afraid that you've been floating in space for a year." Rhendon finishes. And then my head starts to swim in disbelief. In space? For a YEAR?!?! I feel my knees starting to buckle, and my ears set up a blockage to any sound. I fall on my knees and hands, the way a knight who was just knocked out from behind does, and I stare at the ground. This was just too much for my brain to process. Landing on a totally different world after being in stasis for a year since the disaster, and fighting a bunch of new monsters the same day. This is just...this is just...I can't... my mind babbles.

That reaction is completely over exaggerated. +1

The next thing I know, Hiro is helping me back onto my feet. I look at him and his face translates Are you okay? I look back at Rhendon, who looks a bit alarmed at my reaction. He comes over and puts a reassuring -but stern- hand on my shoulder. "I know it's a lot to take in. But that's in the past. I need you to get ahold of yourself and keep moving." he says, with a mixture of gentleness and sternness. I look at him, and see that he's right. I can't lose my head over something that has already happened. That will only makes things worse. I nod at him and straighten up. "Alright. I will."

And to make it worse she’s over it in 2 seconds. +1 Also, typo. +1

Rhendon grins. "That's the Serah I know!" he gives me a thumbs-up.

+5 for canon characters having a relationship with your OC.

"Now then. There is a team about 2/4ths of a mile away from here. I've already alerted them that we had a knight crash-land nearby, so your arrival won't be surprising. Be warned though: there is a strange monster that may attack you when you join the group." he finishes.

Wouldn’t they have already known what the monster IS? It’s been a whole year and they never analyzed or studied it? +1

"Pfff- should be easy. We already faced a bunch of menaces, right Hiro?" I turn to Hiro. He must've been thinking, because he started. "What? Oh, yeah. Right." he said absentmindedly. He stares into the distance once more. "Well, good luck guys." Rhendon says. "I'm going to stay here in case anymore knights come along."

And thus his mind-numbing purgatory of waiting for more Knights continues. Maybe that’s why Rhendon is so dumb.

"Have you really been living right here for an entire year?" I ask. Rhendon shakes his head. "Sometimes I'll pop into the Rescue Camp to pick up some fresh supplies for me and any stray knights. Speaking of which, I'll give you some before you continue." Rhendon runs inside his pod, which looks very battered and old. After a few minutes he popped out and hands both me and Hiro a light leather backpack.

How much you wanna bet Rhendon wanted to beg to go with them.

"There's enough food in there to last you the journey to the Rescue Camp, some flares, and an extra comlink. I think that's all." he says. We thank Rhendon and give him our farewells, then set off once again. After we'd been walking for a bit, I ask Hiro this: "Do you have any idea why Rhendon was so suspicious of you back there?"

Pacing too quick, and weird use of a colon. +2

Hiro looks a bit uncomfortable, and I swear I thought I saw him start sweating.

You’re bordering on ‘almost’ again young lady.

"No. He must've thought I looked like someone else he knew." he says quickly, then changes the subject. "Rhendon seemed to know you. Why is that?" he questions me. I chuckle slightly. "You know you have to pass an exam to become a recruit, right? Well, I had failed the test, and wanted to take it again. Rhendon helped me after everyone decided I was a lost cause. And you know what happened?" I say. "What?" Hiro replies. "I passed the test with flying colors. We became friends after that." I finish my story.

Gee it sure would be cool to have elaboration on this “Recruit test”. +1

I chuckle again. "Those were the good old days. We weren't as close to extinction as we were when we left Isora. Or as badly losing the wars."

Wait...if she’s only a recruit now, and she took a test to get as such...then wouldn’t that have happened more recently in her memory? She speaks like she’s been this way for years on end- oh. Wow, then she must really suck at fighting. +1

We walk in silence for about 10 more minutes, and then I see an evening glint from armor a few yards ahead of me. "Hey! It's the rescue group!" I gently shake Hiro's arm. "HELLO! OVER HERE!" I call out, waving my arm in the air rapidly.

Please stop trying to be overly peppy, it just makes me roll my eyes. +1

The knights turn around, and they look much higher in rank than we do. "Recruit. There you are." the first one says. We come closer to them and step into a clearing as we do. Remembering that I was standing in front of Vanguards, I stand at attention and salute the knights. "Sir. Are we ready to move on?" I say dutifully, and motion with my eyes at Hiro to salute. Hiro follows my example. The group looks at Hiro, and Hiro squirms slightly under their stare. "Rhendon said nothing of a second knight coming as well." The second knight says. Not this again... I think aggravatingly.

There’s that nonsensical suspicion again. +1

"I found him in a forest, injured, Sir. I offered him to accompany me on the journey to the Rescue Camp." I say, giving the short and sweet version. Most Vanguards don't like long stories. Yep, I learned that the hard way.

...I have no desire to know the story behind how you know that, I sure don't appreciate the hint of it. +1

The other two knights give each other a look that means nothing to me, but I know that they were thinking different thoughts about Hiro than I was.

Oh boy, another “Thinking different thoughts” returns from Angel’s Light! +1

The first knights speaks. "Well...I think we can take him along as well. It's been awhile since we got any new recruits here, so HQ needs as many knights as they can get." I hold in a sigh of relief and glance at Hiro. He looks nervous again, and I really wish I would know what was going on around here.

Wow that makes the both of us.

"Alright. I think we can move out." the first knight says. Hiro and I both nod enthusiastically, and we head for a flight of dusty stone stairs, when we suddenly hear a rumbling noise. The first knight halts and so do the others. "Hold on. Something's not right here..." he says cautiously.

If it’s been a year and these are the same Vanguards that fight the Ironwood Sentinel, wouldn’t they have been prepared for this? +1

He draws his Final Flourish sword, and gets into battle stance. And then something tears right through dirt ground! I whip out my Proto sword and point at the hole. And out of the hole rises a very large iron tree-like creature. He is a knight's height above me, has an iron ax for one of his hands, and he smells of earth and bark.

I believe the boss is supposed to be a lot taller… +1

"Daskit! Not this guy again!" the third knight yells.

Non-swearing. +1

He leaps out of the way of the 'tree's' ax, which would've sliced him to meat if he hadn't moved. I jump right onto the thing's leg, and plunge my sword into it. The tree roars in pain and slowly raises his left leg. I hold on tightly as he lifts me into the air, and then slams his dasked wooden foot right back down again.

Non-swearing yet agAIN. +1

I start to see stars, but somehow miraculously held onto the giant's leg. I pull my sword out and leap off his stump leg before he can start the process all over again. At this point, he was really mad. He was using his ax more and more, and the Vanguards were having a little trouble staying away from it. And then the giant attacked Hiro.
Hiro leaped to the side as the ax slammed into the ground, and then held onto the ax as the 'tree' withdrew it. Hiro shinnied up his arm and onto his back, and sat on his neck, piggy-back style. "YAAAAAH!!!" he yelled.

Hiro making a battle cry seems very OOC. +1

The giant tried to reach behind himself to grab Hiro, but his arm was too cumbersome to go all the way behind his back.

Poor giant probably has never been able to scratch his back. What a shame. Also, why call it a ‘tree’ when it very much resembles one? +1

The Vanguards closed in on the giant and started attacking its legs. They might've chopped them off if the 'tree' didn't stomp so hard that he sent them all flying in opposite directions. The giant whirls around so quickly that Hiro couldn't hold on. He flies right into me and we both slide into a dirt wall. That felt really good on my skin. I think sarcastically, then realize that Hiro wasn't moving.

The mental quips in the middle of a situation where you wouldn’t think of any, make me want to eat crayons. +10

"Hiro?" I say worriedly, then wave my hand in front of his eyes. No response. "Wake up!" I say desperately, and shake him several times. And then a shadow closes over us, and I look up to see the tree giant raise his fist. And from there everything goes in slow motion, as if time was slowing itself down on purpose during this situation.

Time slowing down is a simile, but they way it is described is remarkably close to an ex machina. +1

I feel like I'm moving through cement as I grab Hiro with superknight strength and hurl him and myself away from the giant's death fist hit just in time. I put Hiro down on the ground and then time speeds up to normal.

You’re not Max Caulfield, how the heck did you experience time as such?! It really just went beyond a simile. +1

Looking around, I see that I'm the only knight left standing. This thing is going to smash me to bits if I don't think of something soon! I think desperately, and rack my brain for any idea that would help at all. The thing is slow, so be quicker than it is. That's the key- and then I get a great idea.

That is the most obvious tactic, you should’ve gathered that just upon first glance of its movement. +1

With a loud shout, I run right in front of the giant and then leap onto its chest. Wait...wait... I think, clenching my teeth. The giant pounds its chest right where I was, but I wasn't there anymore. I took my sword and plunge it straight into its head. The giant stays standing upright for a moment while I pull my sword out of its temple, then slowly topples onto the ground, and unfortunately me with it. I land on the ground and the giant follows.

Your plan worked, but you didn’t think to jump away from the direction the giant fell ? +1

I feel an agonizing pain shoot through my ribs, and I scream from pain and calling for help. It was muffled, but loud enough. "Come on, men! Help me push this thing of lumber off of her!" someone yells.

I thought all the other Knights were down, how did they suddenly get up to help Serah? +1

It sounds like the first knight, and then I hear grunting as the giant moves slowly over me, which tortures my ribs even more. And then I am blinded by evening sunlight.
Someone turns me over gently, and I groan as more pain fills my chest. Hiro stands over me, his eyes darting nervously over me. "Crud...what happened?!" he almost yells.

101 sins, for non-swearing and the cursed ‘almost’. +101

"I...think...I broke one of my left ribs..."I wince.

You oddly know which rib you broke. +1

Every breath I take is the worst pain I have ever experienced. It takes all my willpower not to scream again. Hiro almost looks like he's going to panic,

Careful past me, we might cap 1000 sins total if you keep using ‘ALMOST’. +100

and the three other knights come by me, looking pretty worried."Can we move her?" the third knight asks. The first knight disappears,

He was supposed to walk away from Serah’s view, but now I just imagine he just disappeared out of thin air. +1

and I think I can hear him muttering something. Then he comes back. "Recruit, you're going to have to walk. It's not much farther to the camp. Do you understand?" he says. I nod just barely,

“I aLmOsT nOd”. You missed a bullet there.

and let Hiro and the third knight help me up. I yelp slightly during the process, and Hiro gives me a look of reassurance. He puts my shoulder over his, and the third knight does the same.

Because a look of reassurance is all you need right? +1

We slowly walk up the stairs, and eventually reach a large crevice in a wall. We slowly walk through it, and come to a small cluster of trees. And beyond those trees I can faintly see a large campfire surrounded by a few damaged pods and small tents. I smile slightly and realize we made it.

The Rescue Camp.

And then a knight with a hood on passes in front of the trees and sees us. At that point my body can't stay awake any longer. My knees buckle for the second time today and I fall to the ground. I hear shouts and the last thing I see is the canopy of leaves over me.

Chapter ends with blacking out. +1

Chapter Sin Count: 248

I stopped writing halfway through Chapter 6, so we only have one more to go. Hallelujah.

Tue, 09/21/2021 - 17:52

#19

Angel-Girl

wacko nurses

Chapter 6
Song Suggestion: Make Some Noise - Krystal Meyers

Okay, I hate to admit it, but this song suggestion actually helped me just now- I entirely forgot I used to listen to this artist as a preteen. So uh...thanks, past me...? Other than that, this song doesn’t fit this chapter whatsoever.

The next thing I know, I'm staring at the ceiling of a tent. I know that, because I'm seeing a bunch of green tent-style cloth.

When you don’t know the word “canvas cloth”. +1

I groan, aching all over, but especially in my chest. And from the want to roll over, but knowing it will hurt. A LOT. And then I hear footsteps approaching quickly. Hiro? I wonder. But no, it was the knight who I saw just before blacking out a bit ago.
"What- where am I?" I mutter hoarsely. I have an urge to lift my head and look out the tent flap, but the knight seems to read my mind. She shakes her head

How did Serah know the Knight is a girl?? +1

and lifts a glass vial with a strange red liquid in it. Before I can say anything, she pokes it into my mouth and the liquid runs inside. And let me tell you- the taste was the worst thing I've ever drank. It tastes like cleaner and cloth, with a really big twist of what I think would be dragon fire. It's all I can do to keep it from coming back up. I choke it down and cough hard when the vial is emptied. "What...gosh, what WAS that?!" I spit, but that was mainly to get the aftertaste from my burning tongue.
"A VitaCapsule," the knight says.

Okay it’s kind of universally unknown how health capsules work or what’s inside them, but I don’t think it’s administered like COUGH MEDICINE. +1 Also I just looked it up, they're just called Health Capsules. I don't know where I got VitaCapsule from. +1

"They come from the roots of Ironwood Trees, and they are known to-" the knight rambles on and on about this new VitaCapsule. When I asked what that torture drink was, I wasn't asking for a whole science report on medicine!

Surprisingly I agree with you here Serah.

I get bored and don't listen to what she's saying. My eyes wander around the tiny room- er, tent- and they catch a small glimpse outside. It's dark out there, but I can still hear voices, talking and some laughing.

And just when I want to get up and go outside, the feeling in my ribs actually disappears. My eyes widen and I look down at my chest. Earlier, I had noticed that there was a little bump where a rib was, like it was pushing against my skin. And I don't mean the normal way it looks when you breathe in and your skin pushes inwards. I mean like it looked like something was poking the skin itself- oh, you get the point.

Serah’s way of descriptions is just mind bogglingly annoying. Poor explanations only to be ended abruptly with “lol you get it, anyway”. I may do that in normal conversations, but I’m not going to do that while NARRATING MY OWN LIFE. +1

And it hurt too. Now the bump and the pain was completely gone, so I gently touch the place where it had broken. It didn't hurt. I press harder. Still nothing. I poke it several times and it feels fine. ...I- I don't believe it! That stuff actually fully healed me?! I think, my head full of disbelief. I look back at the knight, who was now rambling on about why the liquid looked red. Roots, once again. Voila…

Misuse of voila I believe? Also...how would they know that word, it’s French? +2

Before the knight can react, I leap out of bed and dash around , my destination the outdoors. She whirls around, startled. "Hey! What are you doing?!" she yells. Ignoring her, I throw open the tent flap and poke my head outside. I have no idea what time it is, but the moon is high overhead.

I think if the moon is high overhead you might have an idea of what time it is. Oh wait I forgot you’re stupid. +1

There's a small bonfire outside the tent, and there are a few knights huddled around it. I fully emerge from the tent and run past the knights into the shadows, tuning my ears to 'off' from the wacko-medicine girl's calls.

Please I’m so tired of these annoying quips. +1

Where am I? I don't see the entrance to here... I ponder for a moment,

Why do you need to find the entrance?? You already established you knew you entered the Rescue Camp? +1

but then I see that the medicine girl is coming towards my current position. My heart skips a beat, and I look around for a way out. I spot a flight of dark, dusty stairs and I run down them soundlessly. And then I skid to a halt. The trees. I run under them and look up at the canopy of leaves. Sure enough, it's the entrance to the Rescue Camp!

Obviously. +1

Before I can move, the medicine knight is standing at the top of the stairs. I whirl around to face her as she comes down the stairs. "Come on, you're still hurt! How are you even moving without showing any pain?!" she says rather harshly.

Bruh. This nurse doesn’t know how things work, since health capsules are insta-healing. +1

I look her in the eye and say defiantly, "I'm fine. I can walk just great." The knight scoffs. "That's what they all say. You're coming with me." she grabs my wrist tightly and starts to drag me up the stairs.

This nurse is about as annoying as Serah. +1

"Hey! You didn't read my rights!" I growl, and try to twist myself out of her grip.

… +20

She must've been on prisoner duty or something before, because I couldn't budge free. I want to escape from this snobby-nurse who doesn't believe a word I say, but how do you get free from a death grip?

Uhm I don’t know, use your combat skills? +1

"I swear I'm not lying! LET ME GO!!!!" I almost yell,

You are definitely yelling. +100

but I don't because yelling doesn't really fix the problem and I'd wake up a lot of knights. Who would get grumpy from lack of sleep.

Gee why do you care about that. +1

This situation almost feels like I'm a prisoner of war and am being dragged, kicking and screaming-well, silently screaming- to my yucky prison. At least this is much better circumstances then that.

Serah has the brain of a 9 year old, how the heck did she make it past the recruit test? +1 Also, a typo. +1
I'm not sinning the 'almost' because it's technically correct, she is not actually in that situation.

By pure chance my eyes fall on a certain tent, and suddenly I see Hiro poking his head out of the tent entrance, rubbing his eyes as if he had just woken up. At that point I am fed up with this-this- unfair knight. And no, it's just a coincidence that Hiro was watching us as I literally twist my arm all the way around,

Why do you need to note it’s a coincidence- Oh. You were trying to impress him. GREAT. +5 for implied romance

and the medicine girl yelps and yanks her arm away from me. I leap a few feet away from her and wince. "Sorry. You may wanna put some ice on that." I say apologetically.

WHY DO YOU CARE. +1

"Forget you! If you wanna die from a broken rib, go right ahead!" she barks. She slinks off, muttering what sounds like "I think I'm going to resign and help the geologists...".

I’m honestly glad I wrote no further, I don’t want this stupid nurse also joining the same league of “annoying snarky comebacks” as Serah. +1

I roll my eyes and walk off towards the bonfire I had previously passed when running away from wacko-nurse.

Finally it’s over. But that won’t change the flaw that I never finished this. +1 for unfinished chapter

Total Chapter Sins: 145

Total (Short) Story Sins: 614 + 70 overall sins = 684

That was. Abysmal. These got more sins than the original AL, I don't know how to feel about that.

I have other short stories and the second draft of AL, but idk if I'll finish criticizing those...we'll see.

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Criticizing my SK fanfiction (Inspired by Gatrnerd, go read his original)