Do you mind some constructive criticism?
Spiralstory: A SK Fanfiction
Tue, 01/17/2012 - 20:05
#52
Do you mind some constructive
Tue, 01/17/2012 - 22:56
#53
Hey...
I just noticed, Vog contradicts himself. He said that Kiri got the greatest gift, since she lost the most, but said all other gifts were feeble compared to Blue's gift.
Wed, 01/18/2012 - 12:50
#54
Outnuendo
I don't mind at all, lay it on me.
It seems like someone already did.
Anyways, you're completely right Frost, but it was somewhat on purpose. Vog isn't very good with words, and for that reason he needs Skolva to aid him. Either that, or I'm just too lazy to correct any wording errors I make.
Wed, 01/18/2012 - 13:37
#55
Sorry...
Didn't mean to critize you. I was just pointing out something that I found.
Wed, 01/18/2012 - 13:58
#56
Sorry to sorry...
No need to be sorry! I was just joking! :D Also, you are, as I said earlier, completely right. I'm probably too lazy to edit it though. :D
Wed, 01/18/2012 - 14:00
#57
Some stuff
Well, this might be a bit nitpicky, but I think you could try to not clump it together. A massive wall of text doesn't really grab anyone's attention, and, in my opinion, makes it a lot harder to follow.
Also, you could try using a bit more "Show, don't tell." Try fleshing it out and making it more than "X did Y and T did S."
Try avoiding things like "The other night was a scientist/bomber"
Try something like "The other knighte was peculiar. He was socially awkward, and didn't say much. However, he seemed to have immense knowledge. He was smart well beyond what anyone there knew* **
Across his back or was a bomb, and he claimed to have many more"
*I'm just based this off of a stereotypical scientist.
**You could probably use dialogue here, such as :
"I'm surprised those wolvers all banded together."
"Well think about it, maybe they realized that they had to band together if they served any chance. If they panicked, then they would die.
"Wow, I never thought of that."
Sun, 01/22/2012 - 16:27
#58
Thanks
Thanks Outnuendo, I'll take it to heart. Seriously. I'm, as I said earlier, probably too lazy to edit the old stuff, but I'll take to put it into my next chapters. On that note, I'm going to start the next chapter in a few days, so if you want to make a character (I'm talking to you here Jed) then put it up soon. :D
****************
This is a list of the band and their enemies currently
********
The Band:
Vot, Leader
Frost, Swordsman
Kantint, Bomber
Faste, Vanaduke Expert
Jed, Gunslinger
Qwex, Tech
Danghu, Quartermaster
********
Clockwork Friends (Guys that we interact with that AREN"T trying to kill us) (Also, watch out for spoilers!):
Kort, Important Spiral Knight
Vakros, Gremlin Mender
Soro, Gremlin Thacker (Spoiler, actually an enemy)
Kiri, Werewolver (Vog Cub)
Terroi, Werewolver (Skolver)
Spiral Order, Bunch of Knights
Vog, A FREAKING GOD
*******
Enemies:
Rultaos, Trojan commander
Torx, Crimson apprentice
Vanaduke, Undead King
Clockwork Monsters, THERES SO MANY!
********
Awesome People/Things:
Blue, A talking Skolver
Wed, 01/18/2012 - 20:25
#59
Wild Jed Appears!
Name: Jed
Race: Knight
Equipment: Senteza, Biohazard, Blitz Neddle, Polaris, Nameless set
Abilities: Phenomonal vision, And a nasty aim
Bio: An ex-Member of the Levelers, which were an elite group of knights exploring the deepest depths of clockworks, Jed left after a disastrous mission in which he was the only one to survive, as he could keep his distance. He never rushes in to battle without a plan, and is constantly planning, even when he sees a single monster. He also happiest in the middle of the battle, and lives for the moment.
Personality: Pretty cynical and sarcastic. He also doesn't sugarcoat stuff, and will flat out tell you if he thinks it was terrible. He van ge really happy when in the middle of a battle. Note that this usually starts happening whenever he's exploring. Otherwise, he acts very detached .
Facts: Very tall, ominous and usually looms over who he's talking to.
Wed, 01/18/2012 - 14:42
#60
So my characters not gonna be
So my characters not gonna be in next chapter? Aw....
Wed, 01/18/2012 - 14:48
#61
What do you mean?
Of course your in the next chapter! You must of missed the last section. :D
Wed, 01/18/2012 - 14:56
#62
YAY. Now I have the good
YAY. Now I have the good felling of knowing I AM MORE AWESOME DAN U!
Thu, 01/19/2012 - 12:42
#63
Hey
I need some kind of thing to get my brain flowing (like what Atgatg did before). Also, I'd love to have one more character before starting. :D
Thu, 01/19/2012 - 13:10
#64
Here...
Vot explodes randomly...
Thu, 01/19/2012 - 15:05
#65
Nice!
Wow! Don't ask me why, but that gave me a great idea! Also, while I'm at it I'll probably blow off Frost's head. :D Or maybe steal Blizzardhale. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
Thu, 01/19/2012 - 15:16
#66
NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
NOT BLIZZARDHALE!!!! WHHHHHHHHHYYYYY?????!!!!
Thu, 01/19/2012 - 17:25
#67
Character Application Sheet
Name: Danghu
Race: Stranger
Gender: Male..?
Equipment: Big BIg BIG Angry Bomb (modified Big Angry Bomb), a staff much like a large Gremlin Mender's wand, Ironmight Plate Shield, a large backpack full of who-knows-what.
Personality: Very calm in most situations. Thoughtful and kind. Highly intelligent and smart.
Bio: Unknown
Other: Speaks and walks kind of slowly in great, long strides. Has been occasionally seen wandering the Clockworks doing who-knows-what. Sometimes gives free items including Crystal Energy to new Knights (there exists speculation that the mining of his Crystal Energy is the reason he's been in the Clockworks). Adept at precise Bomb placement and timing. Has a mind for tactics and strategy and has a well-honed skill for assessing and dealing with situations combat-related and otherwise.
Thu, 01/19/2012 - 17:22
#68
Yay!
Yay! It seems as though I'm making a chapter tomarrow. Or more like a suspensful PROLOGUE! I can't wait! :D
Fri, 01/20/2012 - 17:24
#69
CHAPTER THREE!
Chapter Three: A Chimera’s Revenge
The day wasn’t going too well for Tari. You know, getting dragged off by a bunch of Crimson Order bodyguards, finding out a huge secret, then being escorted to what is almost certainly a slow death. Not his favorite way to start your day. He looked at the guards around him. A Trojan, around ten Ironclaw Thwackers, a few Crimson Bodyguards, and… well he’d rather not talk about it. One Gremlin against them? He had no chance. The convoy halted and the Prison Van stopped. When Tari looked out of the window he saw a few junior knights trying to run, as the escorts picked them off, one by one. The back doors to the van opened, and a figure was thrown in the tiny cell. All that Tari could make out in the dim light was that the creature was a Stranger. The train of Gremlins continued on. Little did Tari know, this was not the end.
It was only the beginning.
Sun, 01/22/2012 - 16:31
#70
It had been awhile since new SECTIONS
It had been awhile since the band had beaten Vanaduke with the Vanabane, or when Vot and Kiri stopped the Chimera, or so they thought. The only action lately was some skirmishes against the Gremlins, in which Vot fought in a massacre against a huge Gremlin force. When doing that Vot had met some new knights that he felt were eligible to join the band, but it seem halfhearted now, as they had no purpose. There was a gunslinger by the name of Jed, who holsters were filled with several guns. He didn’t talk much, and was kind of blank most of the time, but when he was in a battle, his face lit up. It almost scared Vot, and he knew that this was the kind of person who couldn’t stand waiting, and always was trying to be SOMEWHERE, as if he was being chased by himself. The other had that same kind of strange bloodlust. Faste was his name. He held a blade that almost matched Frost’s in awesomeness, and supposedly was a spine from the Snarbolax’s back. It was dark, but held a sense of beauty at the same time. This one had a sense of humor though, recounting the time when he somehow got on to the thing’s back and tore it out. Even then, he still had a dark feel about him, and had stayed with Jed, both running from their past.
Tari saw them before anyone else, running in to the edge of the ledge, one jumping the second he saw enemies, the others taking the time to think before rushing in, and one who stood there, his eyes moving around rapidly, taking in all the details. The first one rolled and immediately started attacking the Trojan, and the others were close behind. Tari started thinking of ways to get out of the van. Before he came to anything the back of the vehicle exploded, and it swerved sideways, causing another van behind them to stop, and the Ironclaws inside of it jumped out, running towards the fray. A knight stepped in front of the opening, followed by a wolver. “What should we do we them?” The beast asked pointing to them, much to the surprise of Tari.
“Well, they don’t have weapons, and one is a Stranger, so I think they’re prisoners.” The knight said, throwing a strange bomb from hand to hand. “I say we leave them until later.”
Tari was about to respond, when the knight disappeared, and the Wolver ran away.
“What did you have in that bag of yours?” He asked Danghu, pointing to the front where their stuff was being held.
Vot was baffled by the appearance of a Crimson Order Gremlin, who was holding a Gran Faust. He charged at Vot the second he got out of a van that was stopped due to Kantint. They parried each other over and over again, but the Crimson Robed maniac was fueled by some dark energy. Vot was being pushed further and further back, blocking every move, but getting slower with each crushing blow. Suddenly, the creature’s sword glowed with a burning intensity, it became red and it came down. Vot was thrown back, his sword and shield on the ground next him. He reached for his Calibur, but his hand was stomped on. He looked up. Every about this creature reminded him of somebody. “I guess I’ll never find out who.” He thought to himself. But suddenly the monster leapt back, shrieking in pain. There was a bullet in its shoulder. Vot looked up to see Jed blowing smoke off of his Polaris. Vot picked up his sword and shield, and turned to again face his enemy, and saw Soro. “What?” Vot yelled. “But, you’re Soro…”
The thing looked up at him, pure hatred on his face. “Who else?”
Vot didn’t understand. “But-but when did you become a - how did you - but you're...”
“Soro? Hah! You're really THAT clueless? How did I join the Crimson Order? I was always in it. Plavise found out, so I killed her, Sly saw me kill her, so I killed him too. I was just on a secret mission. Of course, now that you know, I’ll make sure you die also.” He finished by stabbing Vot, then running into the van and driving away with some other Crimson Robed Gremlins. Then Vot looked down at his stomach. There was blood spilling out of him. Then it all was black.
Sun, 01/22/2012 - 16:34
#71
Question
Do knights have blood? I've just been asked that question by Happyathy and I am wondering myself. I always thought of them have it (as shown above) but I want your opinion. :D
Sun, 01/22/2012 - 16:57
#72
Danghu was accepted!
... Soro is a Gremlin. Jed (supposedly) shoots him with a Polaris. ... ?
Sun, 01/22/2012 - 17:16
#73
Yeah
Yep, I know that Soro is many things, but in Spiralstory he is a Gremlin (see chapter 1). But, again... Do Knights have blood?
Sun, 01/22/2012 - 18:34
#74
They bleed some bluish fluid?
Maybe they take the energy and convert it into blood-like liquid?
Sun, 01/22/2012 - 18:38
#75
Thats what I thought
On revive you have a blue heart, I think. Tell me if I'm wrong, I haven't died lately. :D
Sun, 01/22/2012 - 18:56
#76
Wowishness.
Wow. This story is really good. Also, I believe knights indeed do have blood.
EDIT: No, the heart is red.
Sun, 01/22/2012 - 19:40
#77
@Isisdelltion: You know, I
@Isisdelltion: You know, I think you might be right. If I remember correctly, when a Knight falls in battle, a blue "heart" is shown beating surrounded by blue electrical crackles. Also, I pointed out that Soro is a Gremlin and Jed shot a Polaris particle at him because Gremlin's are naturally resistant to Elemental Damage (which is what the Polaris deals) rendering Jed's Polaris shot rather weak. This confuses me as a reader as I'd naturally assumed that Jed was a halfway-decent Gunslinger and Polaris fires Elemental energy projectiles that explode on impact (not bullets that can lodge themselves in Gremlin flesh). I don't mean to whine but this is confusing.
Sun, 01/22/2012 - 20:52
#78
I think blood would be parts
I think blood would be parts and perhaps oil. Or electrical currents. Who knows?
Winsickloe, you are right.
Mon, 01/23/2012 - 18:53
#79
Gremlins and Polarises
@Windsickle: I know that it would be quite stupid for a good gunslinger to make a mistake like that, but it wasn't really as much of a mistake on Jed's part as much as it was a part of the plot. If Jed killed Soro with a Sentenza or Blitz Needle, than who would be the primary antagonist? Also, I always thought of Vot being knocked way out of most guns' range, and that Polaris was the only gun that could make the shot. Also, Polarises supposedly fire "energy pellets". I took this as more of a bullet. But anyways, thanks for the feedback! :D
Tue, 01/24/2012 - 13:02
#80
Sorry for not post lately,
Sorry for not posting lately, I've been busy. Hopefully I can send out a few new sects soon.
Tue, 01/24/2012 - 19:51
#81
NEW SECTIONS! YAY!
Vakros was telling a small group of Gremlins on how to properly heal a wound caused by a Iceburst wound, when he heard something crash from outside. “Yene, can you get the door?” He asked one of his students.
“Sure.” The younger Gremlin stepped up to and opened the door. From Vakros’s view it seemed that a Faust came out of nowhere and went right through her chest. Her gurgled cry was cut off went three knights ran in. Each had a Faust, and they wore armor that Vakros had never seen before. He drew his wrench, and his pupils rose as fast as they could, but they stood no chance against the coldhearted killers. Soon only Vakros was left. He tried his best to block their attacks, but he was completely outmatched. One knocked away his wrench, and soon he found a blade to his neck. “So this is it’s going to end.” He thought to himself. “Do it.” He said aloud.
“As much as I would love to, I need you for something… of your skills.” It was the familiar voice of Soro. The evil Gremlin stepped through the group, and came right next to Vakros. “Tsk tsk tsk, you poor fool, you still don’t know that I was a Crimson Order member the whole time. Plavise knew. Now she’s dead.” The Gremlin let out a gurgling laugh. “Well, we shant be late! The Chimera’s waiting."
Tue, 01/24/2012 - 20:08
#82
Whoah... Dark.
Whoah... Dark.
Tue, 01/24/2012 - 23:06
#83
Yay.
Horay. SHANT. Haven't heard that in awhile.
Thu, 01/26/2012 - 13:43
#84
Less creepy section
Before you start wondering, I'll explain the Azures in the next chapter, but they aren't knights!
“Ohhhh… That hurts.” Vot looked up and took stock of the situation. The band was sitting around a fire, it seemed that the group had made camp. Two other figures were among them. One was a stranger that Vot remembered hearing about, some energy miner by the name of, ummm… Danghu. Tari was here too. Vot wondered why the Azure Thwacker was with them. Last time Vot saw him, well… he didn’t want to think about it. Just then Vot looked at his wound. He was one lucky son of a Skylark. The blade had caught his neckguard, if it were just one inch further up it would’ve killed him, instantly. Vot guessed that that was where Soro aimed. Vot cleared his head and decided to get up. Easier said than done. He raised himself, and in doing so split the scab covering his wound. A small trickle of neon blue blood dripped down, staining his armor.
Blue turned to the small sound of him groaning and asked, “Up already?”
“How long have I been knocked out?”
“About a day.”
“A DAY?!”
“Yeah, we’ve just been trying to get that guy’s comm station up.” She pointed to a small backpack with an antenna sticking out of it. It looked as though Qwex had completely rewired it, considering the stuff hanging out of it. Tari was typing some codes on a tiny keyboard Qwex plugged in. Vot stepped over. Tari finally made a breakthrough, and the old rust heap came crackling on. Kort asked something, although it was lost in the machine’s static noise. Qwex turned down a knob, and the band could hear Kort.
“Hey! I’ve been calling you all night! We had a small gang of bandits come through Haven last night, and we thought you guys might want to take them on! So are you up for it?”
“Sorry Kort…” Frost started.
“We have a bigger problem.” They all turned to Vot. Frost got up to try to help his friend, but Vot shrugged him off. “It’s the Gremlins. I have to tell Vakros and the Azures as soon as possible. Its about Soro…”
“Is he hurt?” Kort asked nervously.
“No, he’s a Crimson. He was a lie he whole time.” This seemed to have no effect on anyone but Tari, who already know, as they didn’t have a clue as to who Soro was.
Kort came back on. “Are you sure?”
“I saw his face right before he tried to murder me. I’m positive.”
“Then I fear that the reports are true.”
“What?”
“There is more than one Chimera.”
“Noooo…” Vot’s voice was faint, and Kort probably didn’t even hear him, but the silence spoke for much more.
“I can trust you to deal with this.” Kort said, but his voice said pretty much the opposite. “But I’m going to send a team to help you out. Good luck, and if you end up like Sly, goodbye. Kort out.” The voice was one of sad acceptance.
“Vot out.” The air itself turned grim. Vot turned to his teammates. “I think I needed to tell you guys a story. A top secret story…”
Sun, 01/29/2012 - 11:51
#85
Sorry for not posting lately
DON"T DIE THREAD! PLEASE! Shocks thread...
Sun, 01/29/2012 - 11:43
#86
NEW SECTIONS! YAY!
IT HAS A PULSE! YAY!
Ren was the first one up, quickly putting on his armor and grabbing his Calibur. He had a big day ahead of him, and he couldn’t wait. Today was his first mission on Apollo Squad, and he wanted to impress Kort and Gordon before they set out. “I see you’re already ready Ren.” Gordon said as he flung the others out of bed. They all lined up, and to an outside viewer they would seem a meager force, but after drilling them and training with them, Kort would say they might just be the strongest squad on Cradle, after Alpha Squad and the Band of course. There was Gord, a tactical leader, and a powerful swordsman. Then there was Davi, a humorous and optimistic gunner. There was Somes, and old and slightly grumpy bomber. And then there was Ren. He didn’t really have any outstanding traits, as he had both a gun and a sword, and used each equally. He wasn’t old, or that young, and he wasn’t overly happy or negative. He was just… him. His thoughts on the matter were broken abruptly when Kort started briefing them.
“You guys are backup for the Band on a highly secretive mission into the heart of the Grand Colony.” Ren couldn’t believe it. The Band? The one and only Band? To serve with them would be just… “I’m not sure that all of you will make it out. This is extremely dangerous. You’ll be taking out what could be the single most dangerous monster, ever. Use extreme caution. Gord can fill you in on the details.”
“…and so supposedly there are more than one Chimeras, and it’s our job to stop it. This means going to the center of the Grand Colony, and setting bombs on the Chimeras before they can be awakened.” Vot finally finished his two hour long story.
“But what about this Vakros guy? I mean, Soro turned out to be a traitor, how do you know he isn’t one?” Kantint countered.
“No, Vakros devoted his entire life to the Azures, he wouldn’t turn on them like that.”
“Who are these Azures you’re talking about?” Frost asked, “Can we really even trust them?”
“Yes, we can definitely trust them…” Vot started, but Tari quickly interrupted.
“We’re a bunch of Gremlins helping you out. We work with the Order. If you ask if you can trust us, also ask if you can trust your Order.”
“I sure don’t.” Blue said, “One second they’re giving you new eyes, the next they’re caging you.” Danghu looked at her quizzically.
“Listen guys, I know that it’s important to talk about this, but we need to get to Vakros as soon as possible.” Vot knew that they needed to hurry, if Soro beat them there and killed Vakros… he couldn’t really think about it.
“So where are we going? Qwex asked, seemingly sensing Vot’s urgency.
“To the den.”
Sun, 01/29/2012 - 11:58
#87
The band?
Who wants to serve with a bad 70s band?
Sun, 01/29/2012 - 12:40
#88
Bob Dylan did... (good ol'
Bob Dylan did... (good ol' wikipedia) :D
Sun, 01/29/2012 - 13:12
#89
NO!
ISIS! Y U STEEL MY SHOCKING THRED IDEA?!
Sun, 01/29/2012 - 13:15
#90
IT WAS TOO AWESOME! I HAD TO
IT WAS TOO AWESOME! I HAD TO USE IT! Please forgive me... D:
Sun, 01/29/2012 - 13:17
#91
Dat's coo...
Yeah, I see alot of threads dying...
Sun, 01/29/2012 - 13:20
#92
Thread Doctors
Its quite sad... D:
But us THREAD DOCTERS (cue epic music) will save them! :D
Sun, 01/29/2012 - 13:21
#93
...
I don't know, running around to threads and shocking them... What if they're not dead?
Sun, 01/29/2012 - 13:53
#94
Then they go into overdrive
Then they go into overdrive mode. New chapter every hour. XD
Sun, 01/29/2012 - 22:46
#95
"The Werewolvers were an
"The Werewolvers were an ancient race, one that could remember the days of Owlites, Almirians, Luminites (Check out Lordofnecromanster's awesome short-stories, seriously, it's important)"
It's Luminarians. Not Luminites. XP
Can I haz a character? PWEASE??? \(|_|)/
Name: Necro
Species: Knight
Equipts: Khorovod, Jalovec, Twisted Snarble Barb, Shockburst Brandish, Spiral Demo helm, Wolver Coat, Magic Hood, Solid Cobalt Amor, Cobalt Helm, Sealed Sword, Crystal Bomb, Super Blast Bomb, Lightning Capacitor.
Personality: Evil. And evil. Still evil. DId I mention he's evil? Also has wicked sense of humor.
Bio: Necro used to be an ordinary Knight. One day, he discovered the Unknown Passageway, and was corrupted by the Swarm. Is now controlled by the Swarm, does its bidding.
Other: Has a profund interest in Greavers. Breeds them for a mini-army.
Mon, 01/30/2012 - 17:08
#96
You can haz character.
Derp XP that is what I like to call UBERFAIL! *facepalm, momentum causes me to fall out of a chair* "Owwwww..."
So Necro, you'll be a super fun-loving good-guy! Whoops, I forgot that he was evil... XD
New chapter tomarrow, but until then
NACHO WAR!
Yes, its true. I'm bring this war to my homeland! "For ISIS!" *runs from "We Can Do Anything", trips over forum stuff, gets lost in spam, finally makes it*
Mon, 01/30/2012 - 17:33
#97
0_o Seriously, dude. This war
0_o Seriously, dude. This war is over. *Shakes Isis's hand and gives a pat on the back*
Little does he knwo ive planted a nacho bomb on him *Laugh*
Mon, 01/30/2012 - 17:41
#98
Out of curiosity ... (purely curiosity. No. Really.)
Isis dear, how long before the Renegades did this business take place? I need to know for ... stuff. *does her best not to look too suspicious*
Mon, 01/30/2012 - 19:52
#99
Probably around 5 years
Probably around 5 years before them... why? *Wonders why she is looking so suspicious*
Luckily for me, it was the plain that took most of the explosion... PAY BACK TIME YOU EVIL PLAIN! >:D
Mon, 01/30/2012 - 20:12
#100
Juuuuuuuuust checking ....
First: I'm writing a piece of fiction of my own, and since it's overlapping current Renegade events a little (but not really interacting with them much), I wanted to make sure nothing is too weird. It doesn't look like this will have any bearing on it, really.
Second: I had a little piece of backstory for the RP that, should I get the chance to reveal it, would give a couple people the opportunity to pick it up and run with it to further the plot, and I wanted to make sure that my bit of story for that wasn't butting into these events too badly. Fortunately, they're not- that bit of story happened a few years before this one.
Third: And other stuff.
EDIT: Oh yeah, my husband told me to give you an internet point for the line "But if he wasn't a Thwacker, than what was he doing in the middle of a battlefield?" He got a kick out of it. It doesn't look like I'll be posting soon there since nothing is happening at the moment, so I figured I'd give it to you here.
I personally believe that Firewall is the best. 'Cause its like a iPad. But in shield form. Qwex must love launching Snipes at Jellies in their stupid palaces! ANGRY SNIPES!
Oh yeah.
SECONDPAGE! Victory dance that involves me falling out of chair. :P