I'm feeling festive, so I'm holding a little contest. The rules are simple. If it goes well, I'll consider doing others.
Rules:
1. Your goal is to submit an entry that makes me laugh.
2. Limit one entry per person.
3. Your entry can only consist of text, any links will not be considered.
4. You have until Wednesday, April 27th, at 11:59PM Pacific to post your entries.
5. The three that make me laugh the most win CE!
Prizes:
1st place: 100 CE
2nd place: 50 CE
3rd place: 25 CE
Go!
Only 100 for first place?
http://www.saturnfans.com/photos/data/500/medium/YOULOSE.jpg
I don't care about rule 3 and the prize, have some comics:
http://forums.spiralknights.com/en/node/317
MY Entry-The second I see bullets bouncing off of a person, I'm just going to say, "F%^$ it," and put the damn cuffs on myself.
I very nearly copy-pasted the ASCII Pedobear in here, though that's not really original.
Things that are DIFFICULT to say when ure drunk:
- Indubitably
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon
Things that are VERY DIFFICULT to say when ure drunk:
- Specificity
- British Constitution
- Passive-Aggressive Disorder
- Loquacious
- Transubstantiate
Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when ure drunk:
- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
- Nope, no more booze for me
- Sorry, but you're not really my type
- Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
- Oh i just couldn't, nobody want's to hear me sing.
- Sorry I'm being such a jackass
This cracks me up every time I hear it:
There's a big calculus party, and all the functions are invited. ln(x) is talking to some trig functions, when he sees his friend e^x sulking in a corner.
ln(x): "What's wrong e^x?"
e^x: "I'm so lonely!"
ln(x): "Well, you should go integrate yourself into the crowd!"
e^x looks up and cries, "It won't make a difference!"
A bear walks into a bar. The bear says to the bartender, "I'd like gin.. and tonic."
The bartenders says, "Why the long pause?"
It takes forever to get this joke in text form.
Did you hear that the guy who came up with the hokey-pokey died? The burial was totally bizarre. First they put his left leg in...
Officer: They just discovered that Michael Jackson died from Cardiac Arrest!
Horatio: Sounds like his heart, *sunglasses*, couldn't beat it.
YEAHHH
Y'know, i was standing around Haven 1 telling jokes, hoping for a CE or two thrown my way for the smiles. But no one were feeling generous.
Today i have no material, however.
Bucholz: Hey, so uh WAYW?
Karen: What?
Bucholz: What are you wearing?
Karen: I don't know about this Anderson.
Bucholz: It's important Karen. America needs this right now. Is it like just a basic top and some pants?
Karen: Yes.
Bucholz: Cool. TMMPFS
Bucholz: That Makes My Pants Feels Smaller in case you were wondering.
Karen: I thought you were wearing a robe? You had pants on under your robe?
Bucholz: I feel really good about myself in these pants.
Karen: FML
This is an entry that will make you laugh.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"
250 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG: Top 10
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
15. Plan B is not automatically "twice as much gunpowder as Plan A".
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain more than one of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a one-on-one duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”
From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet …
“Well, f*ukin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!”
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight. One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog."Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard."Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice."Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later."Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THEM".
so far i chuckled at:
in no particular order
How do you kill a blue elephant?
You shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
You choke it until it turns blue and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a rainbow elephant?
You go to the doctor's to check for LSD use.
IGN : Mini-Me
A man found it strange when his fiancée's hot single sister invited him over to her apartment the day before the wedding to have a last minute talk.
He found it strange when he opened the door and saw her standing there in her underwear.
He found it strange when instead of saying "Hi", she said "Baby, this is your last chance. Take me now if you will have me!"
Immediately, running as fast as he could out of the apartment building, he found it strange when he nearly plowed over into his soon-to-be father-in-law.
"Congratulations. You really are the man we hoped you were.", the father held out his hand.
Moral of the story: "Always use protection, and keep it in your glovebox."
hahahaha. ok add MiniMe to my list. I liked the premise of the ironfenix103 joke at first but the punchline is kinda off :/
Two Guys Walk Into a Bar.
The third one ducks.
Don't think I can do racist jokes here, so...
http://cdn0.knowyourmeme.com/i/000/114/624/original/1302390570026.jpg?13...
Why can't a man living in the U.S. be buried in Canada?
Because he's still alive!
Oh corny jokes...
The shortest joke in the world:
Pretentious? Moi?
"The shortest joke in the world:
Pretentious? Moi?"
The shortest joke in the world: YOU (thats 11 less letters)
might be funnier if you are perhaps a midget.
Once upon a time there were two knights. Neither knew the other one very well, but both frequented the forums. One day, the first knight asked the second one to tell him a joke in exchange for CE. The second knight paused for a long time, but finally jumped up, shouting that he had a good one.
"Knock, knock..." said the second knight with a ridiculous grin.
The first knight was completely taken aback. He had been expecting a fantastic joke, but instead got a joke so worn out and unoriginal that it only made him even more unhappy. Nevertheless, he didn't want to disappoint the second knight, so he weakly said, "Who's there?"
Before he could even shape the last consonant, the second knight punched him with all his might, in the face.
"What was that!?" shouted the first knight, as the second knight tried (ineffectually) to stifle a laugh.
"Get it?" said the second knight stupidly. "That was the punch line. Ahaha..."
The first knight stared in disbelief. How could anyone be so idiotic.
After the second knight had stopped laughing, there was a long, awkward pause. It lasted about 23 seconds.
...
The first knight suddenly burst out in hysterical, almost maniacal laughter, much to the second knight's surprise. He, of course, wanted in on the fun, so he asked (without making himself sound like an idiot, of course), "What's so funny?"
The first knight took a second to calm himself, then said,
"We can't /punch. /lol"
So a guy goes to get a physical.
The doctor says to him "You've got to stop masturbating."
The guy asks, "Why?"
Doc says, "Cause I'm trying to give you a physical."
There was once a mighty chief. He was the most respected man his tribe had ever known. He had battled enemies from all over the known world and beaten them all. But the Chief also had a dark secret: He could not fart.
One day the chief decides to secretly pay a visit to the witchdoctor, looking for a cure. When the witchdoctor asks the chief what was wrong, the chief replies, "Big chief no fart". The witchdoctor nodds and gives the chief seven pills and instructed him to take one each day.
A week later the chief comes back to the witchdoctor and knocks on the door angrily. The witchdoctor opens the door and quickly asks the chief what was wrong. The chief replies, "Big chief no fart". The witchdoctor, fearing for his life gives the chief stronger pills and tells him to take them twice a day for the next 3 days.
After the first two days have gone past, the witchdoctor hears a furious pounding on his door. To his surprise it was the chief again. He asks the chief why he has come back before finishing all his pills. The chief replies, "BIG FART NO CHIEF!!".
lollin @ machiavelli
@heretic -- i feel wicked dumb for not getting the punchline :(
Hopefully no one finds this one offensive.
Person A: Knock, knock.
Person B: Who's there?
Person A: September 11th.
Person B: September 11th who?
Person A: You said you'd never forget me!
Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
`
`
ANSWER IS BELOW... SO SCROLL!!!!!!
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
`
A: To get to the BOTTOM!
`
`
`
`
`
`
(Bottom = bum...)
Ok. So there are many, but since we are limiting input here.. I'll go with this one.
----------
A man has approached the onset of his later years in life. Happily married, a good job, and everything else that comes with it; however, there was a problem. He apparently seemed to be coming down with a rapid case of erectile dysfunction, and this he was not a fan of! He tried everything to help, including that small pill with a V, but nothing...
He started getting extremely worried at this point, and things looked pretty grim for he and his wife in the bedroom. But one day in a doctor's visit the problem was revisited. And this doctor had something to say. The doctor informed the man that they had identified the cause of his problem. The muscles around the base of the area had deteriorated and had become non-functional, thus, no activity. The doctor then informed him to not fret, because there was something that they could do.
The man was ecstatic and quick to ask "What? What is it?!" The doctor replied that there was this new experimental surgery where they replaced the parts that weren't working with the muscles in the trunk of an elephant! It would be stronger, better, longer..." The man, having nothing to lose and squirming with joy was very quick to accept the proposal and all the benefits it supplied.
So the surgery was scheduled and then performed. The night after the surgery, he and his wife went out to dinner to celebrate their newly replenished bedroom life!
So the man and the wife sat down at a nice restaurant and were having excited conversation. The waiter stopped by and got their drink orders and put down a basket of rolls.
After the waiter had walked away the man went to reach for a roll, but suddenly something from under the table on the man's side streaked out and like a Flash of lightning grabbed a roll and disappeared back under the table!
The wife was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe! "That was wonderful!" she claimed, "Do it again!!!".
The man, holding back tears in his eyes said: "Ok.... but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass."
Q: What's worse than fighting a full row of gun puppies on a sea of spikes?
ʇsnɐɔoןoɥ ǝɥʇ :ɐ
The person above me picks his nose all the time! =D ...BOOGERS!!!
HA! I made you chuckle! If not...well this little funny thing works in real life. Not in text.
Why dont Women wear watches?
A: Cause theres a clock on the over!
hhahahaha i love sandwiches :)
Not interested in prizes, but I just stumbled on this tonight. LOLOLOL.
Brett Favre retired.
*You'd need to be a sports fan to get this, usually*
ALRIGHT LETS DO THIS
A man walks into a bar and drinks 3 beers everyday.
One day, the bartender asks him why he drinks exactly 3 every time.
The man says he drinks one for his brother in America, one for his brother in Asia, and one for himself.
One day he comes in and only drinks 2 beers. The bartender asks why and he says:
"I deciced to quit drinking."
A man walks into a museums and sees a dinosaur.
The man turns to the museum's curator and asks him how old is this dinosaur.
The curator tells the man the dinosaur is "30 million years, 3 months, a 12 days old."
The man is astonished, and asks him "How can you know the age of the dinosaur so precisely?"
The curator tells the man "It is easy."
"The first day I came to work I was told the dinosaur was 30 million years old, and now I have been working here for 3 months and 12 days."
I man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.
The bartender asks the man "What's the special occasion?"
The man replies "My first BJ"
The bartender says "Well in that's case, then the eleventh shot is on the house!"
The man replies "No use... If ten shots don't get this taste out of my mouth I don't think anything will."
I realize I am only supposed to enter one joke; however I am trying to win both first and second prize:)
Also if that made you laugh you can enter this for third prize!
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
1. My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said, "Thats a pretty big word for a ten-year-old"
2. A kindergarten teacher asks her class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral to it. The next day she asks one of her kids, Billy, to tell his story.
Billy says, "My uncle Dave was a pilot in the Vietnam war. He was shot down over enemy troops with only his pistol, knife, a parachute and a fifth of whisky. On the way down he drank the fifth and shot 7 of the VC. He landed, stabbed 4 more and strangled the last 2 with his bare hands."
The teacher is appalled, and asks him what the possible moral to the story could be. Billy says, "The moral is stay away from uncle Dave when he's drunk"
3. A horse walks in to a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
4. Q: What do you do with a Elephant with three balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the Rhino.
In game name: Dr_Zombie
@ dragonstripe: I like it that was a good one. Here's another.
A man finds what looks like a genie bottle at a yard sell and buys it.
He's down on his luck figures his life can't get any worse, and decides to rub the bottle.
All of a sudden, out pops a genie offering him three wishes. However this genie tells him the wishes come with a catch.
Well the man tells the genie he is not surprised his wishes come with a catch the way his life has been going, and tells the genie to tell him the catch.
The genie tells the man that he gets three wishes, but whatever he wishes for his ex-wife gets double.
The genie further explains "If you wish for one million dollars- your ex-wife will get two million dollars."
Well the man realizes this is a hell of a catch, and asks the genie if he can take the night to think about his wishes.
The genie says "Sure. I will see you tomorrow morning."
The next day the man rubs the bottle bright and early and tells the genie he has his three wishes ready.
The genie tells him "Proceed with your first wish."
"I wish for 100 billion dollars!"
The genie says "Done! And your ex-wife gets 200 billion dollars. Now proceed with your second wish."
The man then tells the genie that he wants Superman #1, because this isn't something that you can just go an buy.
The genie then says "Done! And your ex-wife gets 2 copies of Superman #1. Now proceed with your final wish"
The man then tells the genie to "Beat me half to death!"
My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said, "Thats a pretty big word for a ten-year-old"
I loled at this one.
So this guy decided to have his motorcycle re-painted. When he went to pick up his bike the detailer gave him a small jar of vaseline and told him that a light coat would help protect the new paint. As he was leaving the detailer also told him that if it was going to rain he should put some extra on.
A bit later the man went to meet his girlfriend at her house for dinner where he was also meeting her parents for the first time.
When he walked in he saw that it was a lovely home but quickly noticed something quite strange, there were dirty dishes everywhere! piled in the kitchen, the living room, the den.....He took his girlfriend aside and quietly asked her "What gives with all the dirty dishes?" The girlfriend explained....."Several years ago Mom and Dad got mad because us kids would always talk at the dinner table instead of eating, so they made a rule that whoever talked at the table had to do the dishes" She went on to say that it had been about a year now that no one had spoken during dinner. The boyfriend said that he thought that was sort of strange but, whatever.
So they all sit down to eat and just as his girlfriend said no one was saying a word.
He looked across the table at his girlfriend and smiled as a thought came to him................He stood up went over to his girlfriend bent her over the table and did her right there. Mom and Dad looked at each other, and you could tell Dad was mad as his face was turning red. BUT, he did not say one word. The boyfriend sat back down amazed that Dad did not say anything
A minute or two later the boyfriend is looking at Mom thinking, you know, she's pretty hot too, so he got up went over to her and proceded to do the same to her as he had done to his girlfriend. Now you could see the veins starting to pop on Dads head but he still said nothing, not a word.
The boyfriend sat back down simply astounded.
Another minute went by and then some thunder could be heard in the distance. Quickly remembering what the detailer had told him the boyfriend jumped up and pulled the vaseline out of his pocket.
Dad jumps up, throws his hands in the air and yells okay okay okay, I will do the damn dishes!
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
its me Lonewulfintra