Gatrnerd MSTs his old fanfics for fun, greed & profit (Grofit?)

Ah yes, this was fun to MST. I should MST more things. Maybe once college stops throwing assignments in my face that are already group work and then you have to find ANOTHER group and work with STUPID PROTOTYPING TOOLS THAT DO NOTHING BUT LAG-

...ahem! Anyway, yes. That's me after the DS: up there.

G: So, HTML tagging this for the forums takes an eternity even with Notepad++ macros, which means Tumblr mirrors get [DE]layed into oblivion. Oh well, I still have the Google Drive documents in case Grey Havens decide to stomp their foot down this time, so it wouldn’t be too much of a pain to restore them from the drive for a Tumblr mirror.
Anyway, enough behind the scenes blathering, onto the next pair of chapters.
___________________
Chapter 2: Retrode Rampage

Crash Site, 11:34 PM
Strange, robotic zombies began to rise.

DS: And, Retrodes. Well, this is in line with the intro, where Retrodes are shown to be responsible for the deaths of a lot of Spiral Knight recruits. Fiddly metal dastards.
G: I’m gonna have to say [citation needed] on that one.

Sarah looked up and jumped.
"Aaaah!" She shouted. They began walking closer and closer to them.
"Run!" Ariel shouted.

DS: Mind you, this was the initial crash, so this was back in the day, when Retrodes weren’t nerfed and would track you! ...or maybe not
G: Nerfing them was a stupid decision anyway. I say git gud to anyone who complained otherwise.

The boys began pushing the pod faster, as it rolled towards a suitable place. Ariel and Sarah fended off the mechanical zombies.
Other colors began to appear: Red, Blue, Light Red and Green. The zombies began firing beams at them, and Sarah got poisoned, shocked, burnt and frozen all together blocking them from Ariel.

DS: Fire and Freeze at the same time. Gremlins finally installed those software updates.
G: Not to mention getting hit with Shock and Poison. Ouch.

Soon, the blue zombies kept freezing Sarah into an ice crystal and carried her off.

DS: One hundred years later, when the Fire Nation was poised to conquer Cradle, two adventurers would discover the Avata- no wait wrong thing
G: And I don’t think she can go into Avatar State and become insanely broken unlike the weak Canadian attempt at tha-oh wait that’s spoiling Warframe stuff.

Cooling Chamber, 12:00 AM
Sarah woke up in some very cold enviroment under the surface. The ice around her head was melted.

DS: Thankfully there was no tissue damage or other nasty side effects of being frozen. Because this is the future and we ain’t got time for that.
G: Ah, harmless freezing. Not actually harmless in real life. In fact, it can be quite lethal, so that’s why you don’t see cryonics that often in reality because they need to figure out how to unfreeze people without killing them.

A bunch of mechanical zombies kept watch.
Suddenly, she noticed they were guarding her from escaping!

DS: Sarah doesn't realize things or work things out. She notices them. Her impeccable powers of observation supersede mere logic.
G: She has the power of “you don’t say?” it seems.

"Let me out!" She demanded.
They didn't respond.

DS: "BEEP BOOP. WHAT DID SEERUS SAY?" "BOOP BEEP. STAY HERE, AND MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T LEAVE THE ROOM. UNTIL HE COMES AND GETS HER. BEEP BEEP BOOP."

Then, another person appeared.

DS: Command?

Another knight. He was holding a gun that was red and had a lot of glowing spiked bullets lodged in it's shafts. The robots quickly moved to attack the newcomer. The next thing Sarah saw was robots exploding from the gun.

DS: Yes, this guy’s using a Blitz against Constructs. That is because this is his weapon. She fires custom-tooled spikes at 10,000 rounds per minute.

The knight walked over to the frozen Sarah.
"Are you alright?" He asked.
"No, can you get me out of here?" Sarah asked.

DS: "No, I've sustained horrific injuries from having my entire body placed under sub-zero temperatures after being subjected to destructive venom and extreme heat and voltage- oh wait, this is the future!"
G: There is no kill like overkill...

The knight shot the bullets at the ice, shattering it and freeing Sarah. "Let's go." The knight said.

DS: I would riff on this, but that’s how you break ice in Sp’Knights. We have weird tactics.
G: True, that. I think I already used this in a previous fic, and noted the use of it, which is nice.

"By the way, my name's Rhendon. You?"
"Sarah." She responded.
Rhendon and Sarah left the room.

DS: Is Rhendon x Sarah a thing? I don’t think so, but you be the judge!

Crash Site, 1:20 AM
Ariel, Derek and Tristan were fighting off the mechanical zombies that attacked them, when glowing spikes impaled into them, and exploded.

DS: This is why you have to be careful with pronouns. For a second, I thought the spikes impaled Ariel, Derek, and that guy from FF: Mystic Quest. Then I realized that would mean Rhendon turned evil. He’s not evil, he just likes to fire his gun.
G: Ah yes, the good old pronouns debate.

Rhendon and Sarah appeared.
"Sarah! You're okay!" Ariel shouted, running towards her.
She hugged Sarah and she did the same.

DS: And thus began the shipping wars, the most vicious ten seconds in Spiral Knights history.
G: I don’t think anyone really decided to go about shipping this?
DS: Thus, the reason it only lasted 10 seconds.
G: True, that. That would be the shortest war ever, even shorter than the Anglo-Zanzibar war which lasted less than an hour.
___________________
G: And it’s that time again. This loot box is hot garbage. Just like every game that uses it. In which case I just roasted Spiral Knights, Overwatch, Team Fortress 2, Middle-Earth: Shadow of War, Forza 7 and Star Wars: Battlefront 2. Badly.
___________________
Chapter 3: Setting up Camp

Crash Site, 1:40 AM
"We should set up camp for the night." Rhendon said.
"That guy is Rhendon. He saved me from a pack of mechanical zombies." Sarah said.
"They're actually retrodes..." Rhendon said, scratching the back of his head.

DS: RUDE.
G: I’m guilty of that.
“can you help me with jelly king”
“It’s ROYAL JELLY, not jelly king.”

"What kind of gun is that?" Derek asked.
"Blitz Needle. It has spiked bullets that pierce enemies." Rhendon said, spinning the gun shaft. The gun seemed to reload very fast. "It spins the gun when firing, so all the bullets are shot." Rhendon explained.

DS: "It costs 400,000 Crowns to fire this weapon... for 12 seconds. ...oh my Vog, who touched Sasha?!"
G: I implicate Admiral Aken Bosch in this! Then again, this isn’t as bad as that one joke conspiracy we came up with, which must be seen to be believed.

Ariel quickly ran over to a tree.
"We should use this tree for firewood!" Ariel suggested.

DS: This would've been a perfect time to introduce Lumbers.
G: Wasted potential right there. When trees attack, you know you’ve found Space Australia. Fun fact: some trees in Australia actually explode.

She began hacking at it with the Proto sword. Then the tree toppled, in her direction!

DS: Cradle trees are total wusses. The only trees I've seen that are weaker are Fire Emblem's snags, which fall when an archer shoots them twice.

Ariel quickly jumped away and looked as the tree crashed to the ground, leaving a dust cloud. She picked it up and Tristan ran over to help her. Rhendon and Sarah did the same. But when Rhendon pulled out his sword, it was a white sword with a blue handle and light.

DS: Rhendon could’ve used this for the Retrodes and it would’ve been more efficient, but then that would mean not firing his Blitz Needle.
G: Exactly, because Retrodes are Constructs and they resist Piercing. Nothing resists Normal damage if I remember correctly.

The two hacked away, and they both grabbed the log when it fell.
3:30 AM
Stones laid in a circle with two fallen logs burning, and the escape pod laid near the fire. Luckily, it wasn't flammable.

DS: Yes, that tends to be an important requirement, you know, for an escape pod. That's used to escape a spaceship. That is exploding.
G: You know, it would be really dumb to do that, nevermind that I already gave the whole pod thing a lot of flak for violating common sense when it comes to physics, since it doesn’t appear these have parachutes for some really terrible reason.

Sarah went into the pod to sleep and so did Ariel. Rhendon, Derek and Tristan slept outside, under the stars.

G: Say, what would Cradle astronomy look like? Surely, Isora’s star would be visible from Cradle, somehow.
DS: Ah, how relaxing that sounds. Surely nothing will happen he-

10:00 AM
The knights awoke to massive explosions.

DS: Torgue quote!
G: All I got is “EXPLOSIONS!?” and that’s it. I should play that DLC campaign.

They watched as escape pods fell like meteors. Explosions blasted the atmosphere. Only 10 pods fell.

G: Oh good, they have flak guns as well. Say, whoever’s doing that is probably committing a war crime.
DS: I thought Spiral Knights had more players than that!
G: It probably doesn’t by now!

"Looks like we have company." Rhendon said, reloading his Blitz Needle. The pods opened and knights came running.

DS: The pods open up and the knights start running, the Retrodes form up and they don't stop coming, SO MUCH TO DO, SO MUCH TO SEE
G: ♫ So hey now, you’re an all-star, get your show on, go play... ♪

They saw Lt. Feron's and Chief Geo Knight Wegner's escape pod, Captain Ozlo's escape pod and few other spiral order members crashing near some metropolis.
It was a sight to behold.

G: Wait, hold up. Presumably, that pod launched at the same time as Sarah’s, Tristan’s, Ariel’s and Derek’s pod. How does that even work!?
DS: Even Sarah’s impeccable powers of observation didn’t notice Haven before? How?

"We don't have radio contact, so we better head for the generator." Rhendon suggested.

___________________
DS: End chapter 3. Abruptly, I might add. Hoping to find some more exciting endings here.
G: Be careful what you wish for, because the last time I did that I tempted fate big time.
DS: Uh oh.

DS: ...except in TF2!
G: So, Doctorspacebar, you know how I said you shouldn’t tempt fate? Well, here it is. You give past me an inch, and he takes a mile.
___________________
Chapter 4: The Gremlins

Ancient Generator, 11:00 AM
A furry, fox-like creature was running through the clockworks below the camp, and found some sort of generator. He pressed a button and it turned on.
"Hee hee." The creature said.

G: Oh hi Razwog. Or whatever Gremlin character I decided to come up with this time.
DS: Hee hee.

Rescue Camp, 11:20 AM
Power surged through the camp like magic.
"I guess we don't have to." Rhendon said, after jumping from the electricity pulsing through.

G: Dungeon bypass. How fortunate for you.
DS: It’s a trap? (Is it a trap?)

Sarah and her friends got a call on their comlink.
"Sarah? Ariel? Derek? Tristan? This is Kora, we've found a city called Haven, and the locals, strangers, told us they could stay, and also use the clockworks to reach the core, for a few minerals that are scattered all over the clockworks. Head over the chasm and proceed to Haven." Kora briefed.
"Understood." Sarah said.

DS: Do you want some exposiiitiiooon, some information from a soooong?
G: Exposition! Also, that minerals part is now hilariously outdated.
DS: I miss gate building. It was cool.
G: Yup, but now the gate building is handled by the GMs...or done automatically.

Chasm, 12:30 PM
The friends were fighting their way through the chasm.
Then they started hearing a critter crying.
"It sounds like that critter needs help!" Ariel said, and they ran into a room where a chroma whelp was being held in a cage, and furry fox-like creatures guarded them.

DS: Plasmaaaaa!
G: Because that’s a thing now.

"Attack!" One of the creatures shouted.
"Quickly!" Tristan said, throwing a proto bomb Rhendon gave him. The creature wielding a big hammer got blown back.

DS: Now I wanna throw bombs.

"Mending!" The creature with a wand shouted, casting some sort of healing spell on the creature with the hammer.
"You will never destroy the gremlins!" The creature with a flamethrower shouted.
"Gremlins, eh? Let's just bust them and free that chroma whelp." Derek said, clashing swords with the gremlin thwacker. The thwacker had the advantage and knocked Derek down. Just before the thwacker could crush him with his thwack hammer, Ariel quickly cutted away at the thwacker.

DS: No comment.
G: That “cutted” makes no sense. Nevermind this over-the-top spiel.

"Let's put a big cross in him!" Ariel said, her and Derek putting their swords together to make an "X" formation, and then ran towards the gremlin.

DS: Symbolism or not? You decide!
G: Either we’ve just struck down someone with great vengeance and furious anger, or...ACK! It’s ripping off Chrono Trigger! That’s a dual tech. Great. So Ariel and Derek are now Frog and Crono?
DS: Can’t believe I forgot X-Slash. Then Ariel carrieth the Masamune?
G: She probably doesn’t have the Masamune. Oh well.

They quickly swung their swords into the thwacker, cutting him and wounding him. "Mending!" The mender shouted, reviving the fallen gremlin.

G: Tenderfoot Menders shouldn’t be able to revive. Inconsistency.
DS: Tier 3 Gremlins already! These are some hardcore proto knights here. Hard. Core.

"Get rid of the mender before anyone else." Tristan said, throwing bombs at the mender.
The mender couldn't defend himself and got blasted to bits by all the bombs Tristan threw.

G: Finally, the party is acting competently. Aside from that madness of throwing bombs. They’re not grenades.
DS: Competently! They’re outdoing ME! I can’t throw bombs, you see. I can only kinda drop them on the ground.

Ariel and Sarah quickly took down the scorcher and all that was left was the thwacker. Ariel and Derek did their finishing blow, taking out the gremlins and giving them access to the chroma whelp cage. A small leather pouch hanged from it.

DS: “Hung”. If the pouch “hanged”, that means they executed a pouch.
G: ...wow. That got accidentally messed up.

Tristan took his sword and began lock picking the cage.

DS: Holy crap, he IS the guy from Mystic Quest!
G: I’m pretty sure you can’t lock pick with a sword.
DS: Sure you can! It just needs to be a big enough sword.
G: Or small. Those keyholes can be kind of tiny. Don’t expect to pull it off with something like a greatsword, although maybe a rapier if you’re crazy enough to try pulling it off.
DS: Who said anything about the keyhole? Knock the door down, that’ll pick the lock!
G: ...well, there’s that option. Should’ve just broke down the cage. Oops.
DS: I mean, that’s just two hits in-game, right?

The cage broke open and the chroma was free to go.
But it wanted to be with Sarah.
"Put the pouch on and put him inside!" Ariel said, taking the pouch off the cage. Sarah put on the monster pocket and picked up the chroma whelp, putting them in the pouch.

G: Our mary sue protagonist now has a pet, sort of. Why? I don’t know.
DS: Chroma Whelps are drawn to those with unparalleled observation skills.

They proceeded, to a room full of explosives.
"Yikes." Tristan said.
"We shouldn't touch this or else we wi-" Tristan was cut off by the laughing of a gremlin scorcher.

DS: Hi Razwog! It’s Razwog, right?
G: -ll explode violently and come to an abrupt end. Thanks Razwog.

He walked out from behind a pile of explosives.
"You idiots freed that chroma whelp we were experimenting on!" The scorcher said, upsettingly. "I'll ignite this fuse and you all will be burnt to a crisp! Mwa hahahah!" The scorcher walked onto a button and hit it, then ran.

DS: “Hrmmmm. Well, to see the results of our experiments on this Chroma Whelp, we should probably surgically eliminate the Knights with our most precise atta- NAAAAH!”
G: I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
DS: Exterminatus in the name of the Emprah! You did mention grimdark.
G: But we have fehl’d him.

Massive explosions began to appear around them.
"Use your shield!" Sarah shouted, using her shield.
Their shields blocked the blast but were badly damaged.

G: HOW. HOW. HOOOOOW!?!? THAT SHOULD’VE DESTROYED THEM ALL! Did they somehow find a fridge in the nick of time?
DS: It’s the future. Shields can totally do that.

"We better run for the exit." Ariel said. The chroma sticked out his tongue and pointed for a room, where the gremlin was.

DS: Already the Chroma Whelp is learning Sarah’s magnificent observational skills.

"Let's go!" Sarah shouted, running for the room.
They stepped on the button, exploding a bomb near him.
"Argh! I'll have to burn you all myself then, if you survived being blown to bits!"

G: Deserved it. Maybe. But now you get a face full of ash!
DS: Razwog never was the brightest bulb in the box.
___________________
G: And no, we’re not ending on a cliffhanger. Let’s see what happens next.
___________________
Chapter 5: Razwog
DS: Razwog confirmed!
G: Razwog...the cause of the entire situation!

Burning Chasm, 1:00 PM
The gremlin quickly sent a wave of fire at the knights.

DS: Well THAT’S it, he’s REALLY goin crazy now, Fire Wave is expensive, it’ll run ya like 800gp a cast or somethin’- DANG IT DOC THIS AIN’T RUNESCAPE
G: And this is a standard attack Razwog has when you fight him since he’s basically a Scorcher with some extra tricks. Finally, nothing is being made up for a boss fight.

"Get out of the way!" Ariel commanded. They all quickly jumped to avoid the wave of fire the gremlin sent their way. Sarah began shooting at him, and them he seemed to be dead. They were dead wrong. Monsters began to appear, repeating one message:
"Protect Schemer Razwog. Protect Schemer Razwog."

DS: Spoke too soon?
G: Nope, minions also spawn in that fight as reinforcements, if I remember correctly. He plays dead and waits for you to kill all the minions before revealing it was a trap.
DS: Oh, yeah.

"Destroy them." Sarah cold-heartedly said.

G: Savage! That, or she’s really mad over animal experimentation, which HELLO IS A PART OF SCIENCE (ETHICAL experimentation, mind you)
DS: Her observational skills are matched only by her intimidational skills, like any member of PLASMAAAAAAA!
G: Now that you remind me...DENNIS! DEEENNIS! DEEEENNIS!!

She quickly fired a charge shot at a mecha knight, which knocked it back.
Derek quickly slashed a scuttlebot and Ariel and Tristan did a cross-slash to a Lumber.
They eventually destroyed all three, and then Razwog got back up.

G: ...yeah, I have a feeling this is just going to be the norm with that stupid X-Slash ripoff.
DS: What’s next? Sarah wielding the Filchion, holy sword of Nougat?
G: You should’ve seen what happened with the last few fics. I can bet it will happen again, or maybe not.

He sent a massive wave a fire at Sarah, spilled oil near Ariel and threw napalm at the boys.
"Jump!" Tristan commanded and the boys jumped away from the exploding fire bomb. Sarah blocked the fire wave with her shield and proceeded to slash away at him. Ariel quickly shot, but then Razwog ignited the oil. Ariel quickly got burned and collapsed from heat exhaustion.
"Ahahaha! You meddling kids will all fall like SHE did!" Razwog boasted.

DS: And I could’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids!
G: That is just...ouch. Fire is never pleasant when it comes to killing stuff. Yikes.
DS: About that...

Sarah quickly cut his head off.
"Shut up, over-confident gremlin." Sarah coldly said, then proceeded to pick up Ariel and carry her.

G: ...I then do this. Nasty.
DS: She had to… HEAD HIM OFF AT THE PASS.

When she finally arrived near a square platform, Lieutenant Feron appeared before them. Sarah laid Ariel down.
"You've made it safely, Sarah. We'll get Ariel back to good shape before your next mission." Feron said.

DS: Say what you will about her, but Ariel is made of iron.
G: Press F to pay respects. Or not, because no hero stays dead forever unless I feel like it, if past me is anything to go by. You can bet she’s got a full suit of plot armor.

Sarah picked up Ariel again and she and her friends, and Feron, went up an elevator to a passage to Haven. Knights saluted before them.
They reached haven successfully, with Ariel exhausted.
What will be their next mission?

G: I can already predict what will happen next, but I’ll leave you all guessing because it’s more fun that way.
DS: Dreams and Nightmares, obviously!
G: Naaaah. That would be too simple. Although it would be a hilarious derail.
___________________
DS: Well, that’s the end of this one. Bye, everybody! See you next time!
G: And hopefully I keep to this Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule.

G: Let’s go even further down the rabbit hole. The blue pill got thrown out, we’re going all in.
___________________
Chapter 6: The Wonders of Cradle

They reached haven.

G: As expected.

Several knights who had managed to make it across on their own wandered about haven.
They bought and sold wares at the auction house and conversed.
Sarah overheard knights chatting.

G: I wonder if it’s usual beggar nonsense? Those folks are commonplace these days...
DS: “Borrowing 100k cr kthx”
G: Don’t get me started on that.
DS: I won’t if you won’t.
G: Oki, so let’s just continue and-

"I can't believe I wasn't chosen for Alpha Squad!" One knight said.
"I also can't believe that." Another knight said.
"I wonder what this Alpha Squad buisness is?" Tristan said, in confusion.

G: WAIT A SECOND. Another continuity error perhaps? Alpha Squad did go missing shortly after the Skylark crashed, but if this takes place around the time of the Skylark crash, so shortly after the start of the Preview Event/official launch, the Auction House didn’t exist then! Gah, updates to the game really broke the continuity, to say nothing of what happened to Warframe’s lore once the new star chart hit, especially regarding the boss of Jupiter and his actions on the lore.
DS: Alpha Squad 2, Electric Alphaloo. This is totally canon. Totally.

Suddenly, a comlink message was broadcasted to them.
"We have an emergency! Something has riled up the beasts near the Aurora Isles, where our Geo knights work, and they want to devour the Geo knights! Hurry and stop them!" Kora said.

DS: For some reason, I read that entire line in a southern accent. Time to solve practical problems.
G: Oh no, that reminds me...everyone in Ace Combat X: Skies of Deception had similar accents, and in Xenoblade everyone was British. Sort of. Actually, maybe not. I need to finish that game now that I have the New 3DS port of it.
DS: Fire Emblem kinda had some variance. Even in the old days when there was no voice acting. Although nowadays, some of the characters have voice actors thanks to Heroes, but then some of those voice actors were… poor fits. Rebecca’s VA was great, but Karel the Sword Demon should not be voiced by Bryce Papenbrook. And here I go ranting about Fire Emblem. This is Spiral Knights.

"We're on our way." Sarah said.
She and her friends ran for the elevator, while Ariel was being watched over by Lieutenant Feron to make sure she recovered.

G: Sensible thinking, she’d be dead weight otherwise due to her injuries.

The Aurora Isles, 1:45 PM
The isles were torn apart places of land.

DS: Probably because it’s 1:45, just about time for the daily Crown grind, and we tear EVERYTHING up lookin’ for them things, you ever seen a Spiral Knight go through the dishes lookin’ for crowns, ITSADISASTER-

Beasts and Slime wandered around, but a pack of wolvers were headed for the Geo Knight camp. Sarah, Derek and Tristan arrived quickly. Sarah's Chromalisk quickly spotted the pack, and they ran towards it, but the islands were sheared.

G: Aha, I spy a plural typo. Slimes, not Slime.
DS: Nah, that’s his name. Slime the Wolver. Original character, Don of Steel.
G: Sounds like your typical Sonic OC.

A wind gust could carry knights across.
"Let's use that wind funnel and approach the pack." Derek said. They took the funnel and were blown towards the vicious dogs.
One of the wolvers didn't seem quite right.

G: Two for the price of one in made-up stuff. Why?

It was gray and black, emanating a pixely aura. It had pulsing pink eyes and it looked like it wanted to deal some serious trouble.

DS: An evil puppy… Razwog said “meddling kids”... SCRAPPY-DOO WAS AN AGENT OF THE SWARM THE WHOLE TIIIIIME
G: A wild Void Wolver appeared! What will Sarah do?

Sarah walked over and picked up the puppy.

G: Oh yes, because picking up that Void Wolver won’t cause anything to happen, right? RIGHT? RIIIIGHT!?
DS: Sarah, I know you want to be a Pokémon Trainer, but this isn’t where to start!

The other wolvers didn't react, because they were attacking the mist barrier. The wolver started snapping and letting out ear-piercing barks.
Nobody reacted.

G: Everyone is deaf, apparently.
DS: Nah, they just don’t care about puppies. I am Razwog the Schemer and I approve this message.

Then the wolver quickly squirmed it's body to move towards Sarah and bit her.
"OW!" Sarah shouted, dropping the wolver.

G: CALLED IT!

A warning flashed on her screen.
"WARNING: Infection detected. Minor threat. Eliminate if it evolves." It said.

G: What.

"Feron will have to analyze that. That's something I've never seen before."

G: Just who is saying this, anyway? Do all Spiral Knights run on MS-DOS if they’re actual robots? Probably not, if this is an organic virus. If it’s infecting machines, I’m sorry to say but you all have Technocyte infestation and you’re all done for. If it’s even Technocyte. I have a feeling it’s Shivans. Are Shivans a virus? Is Batch an actual programming language? Or am I seriously overthinking things?
DS: The Swarm always struck me as something neither organic nor synthetic. Rather, it’s always seemed more… eldritch. Something outside Isoran understanding. Something that can only aptly be described with one word… evil.
G: True, that. But why would I retcon an eldritch abomination into a pathogen? That’s...absurd.

Quickly, the wolver was eliminated to prevent any more infections.

G: And now the heroes realize their mistake in letting Sarah become patient zero of an outbreak. But shouldn’t they also kill her as well or otherwise quarantine her? Speaking of which, what happened to the whelp while all this was going on?
DS: Razwog would later spread a story about how the horrible Sarah cut off his head and killed a puppy.

"Take the rest out! Move!" Sarah commanded. Derek and Tristan took out the wolvers fast, just as they shattered the mist barrier.

G: How fortunate for you that all the enemies died as soon as your knight only barrier fell apart.

A Geo Knight ran over to them.
"Thanks so much! We thought we were going to be dinner for those beasts!" The knight said.
He quickly pulled out a few cobalt sets, two caliburs, a blaster, and a blast bomb.

G: WHOA. That is way too generous, but at least they’re not being smug and rude about it all.
DS: Hahn is wondering if that was a shot.

Tristan took the bomb and a cobalt set.
"Cool, explosives." Tristan said, polishing it.
"I see you like bombs." The knight confessed.

DS: Lamp Oil! Rope?
G: Bombs? YOU WANT IT?
DS: It’s yours my friend, as long as you have enough rupees!
Sarah took a calibur and a blaster.

"Ariel might need this." She said.
"Oh, you have one more?" The knight asked.
"She's sick. She caught heat exhaustion fighting a gremlin pyromancer." Sarah said.

G: I don’t think heat exhaustion is an actual illness, even if exhaustion is a known problem. She’s probably got a lot of nasty burns, however.
DS: Flamethrowers confirmed magical. The Pyro has now been explained. Slightly.

He handed Sarah a cobalt set too.
"Thanks."
Derek took the final cobalt set and the last calibur.
"Whoa, a spiral order sword. Awesome." Derek said.

G: MEANWHILE, FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER (somehow):

Arcade, 2:00 PM
Feron analyzed the infection Sarah had obtained.
"It seems to be some sort of virus that can evolve. Like the warning said, it needs to be removed. But our medical equipment can't remove it. How will we get rid of it?" Feron said, then asked.
"Does it have a name?" Tristan asked.
"For lack of a better name, we'll call it The Swarm." Feron said. "The wolver you reported was swarm-infected. Could a virus be going through the planet?"

G: Really? Did we have to go down the pathogen path? What happened to mysterious and creepy stuff? Eurgh.
DS: I expected the Swarm’s name to be revealed in a more ominous way. But this is the fic that ended the prologue with “a pod crashed into a cliff.”
G: That, or we’ve just seen how Terran Command named the Shivans.

Suddenly, an alert sounded.
"What's the news, Kora?" Feron asked.
"Alpha Squad...they've gone missing!" She upsettingly said.

G: DUN DUN DUN! WHAT A TWIST!
DS: Alpha Squad 2: Electric Alphaloo is fine and dandy, though! I didn’t forget about Alpha Squad 2.

"No! How could they?" Feron asked.
"They said they were entering the light and then the recording abruptly stopped." Kora explained.

G: Or, you know, found the Sleeper. Cue Grantz’s death (press F to pay respects).
DS: We all know they were actually busy fighting Slime the Wolver from the beginning of this post.

"We need to find them." Feron said. He turned to Sarah and her friends, and to Ariel, who had recovered.
"I'm sending you on a quest to find Alpha Squad, but first we need to find their recon modules. One of them is in the Gloaming Wildwoods." Feron said. "Sarah, decide the roles."

G: Okay, there are several things wrong with this. One, the text from the Core entrance recon module was quoted, yet they don’t know where they went, yet...oh, that’s a headache. Second, this squad is now the chosen ones! Great. Amazing. Exciting.
DS: Everyone’s technically the chosen ones thanks to the way every MMO plot works. Just like every DDO player saved Korthos Island from the dragon, every RuneScape player is the champion that slew the dragon Elvarg, and everyone in Mabinogi struck down Glas Ghaibhleann, apparently all of the previous things happening at the same time which seems pretty rough on Backwards Gravel and Glass Gabe Newell, dying all those times, (but not on the DDO dragon because spoilers), which also coincides with the death of Lord Vanaduke and something to do with Veronica from Fire Emblem Heroes except she doesn’t die in Chapter 9 or 10 or whatever it was either because things and oh dear I’ve gone cross-eyed.
G: And every Tenno was saved from the Grineer by the Lotus, and every Knight escaped the Skylark crash and made it to the Rescue Camp and eventually to Haven. Deep breath, everyone.

"Alright, Ariel, you'll be gunner, Derek, you'll be guardian, and Tristan, you will be bomber." Sarah commanded.

G: Sarah’s observation skills also include making decisions quickly. I mean, if she’s going to be doing that, that could be an interesting character trait as that would mean she could make a brash decision under pressure and cause a lot of problems.
DS: Gunner, guardian, and bomber? Then what will Sarah be? The World’s Greatest Detective?
G: Squadron leader, I guess. Or Striker.
DS: Striker makes more sense.

"You shall now head to the hall of heroes to get your gear. Make me proud!" Feron said, saluting. Sarah and her friends saluted.
"You are a team, a squad to find Alpha Squad and if possible, bring them back. Your squad name is Beta Squad." Feron said.

G: What a creative name. Speaking of which, good luck getting into the core.

"Now head to the hall of heroes, and become heroes!"

G: NO NO NO DON’T REMIND ME OF-SOOONIC HEROES (SOOONIC HEROES)-*BLAM!*
DS: SAAAAVING THE SPACE FROM A SOMETHING SOMETHING
___________________
G: -that. That chapter was actually long enough for once.

G: So, after that heresy ensued, it’s time for more heresy. I have the urge to commit Exterminatus using the power of Ultra Leaks...er, Ultra Necrozma...oh wait that's USUM spoilers because the whole game got leaked.
___________________
Chapter 7: The Hall of Heroes

Hall of Heroes, 2:00 PM
They arrived at the hall. Several knights stood around, and a terminal was nearby each one. "Looks like your the squad sent to find Alpha Squad, correct?" A knight wearing a Nameless Set asked.

G: You’re/yours errors are hilarious.
DS: You’re grammar wasn’t perfect. (In you’re defense, mine isn’t aether)

"I'm Daxen, representative of gunners for the hall of heroes."
"Right. We're here to get gear to get prepared for the mission." Sarah said.
"Just up ahead is Remi and next to him is Izola." Daxen explained. "Talk to Lieutenant Barrus and we'll get a little battle testin out of you, if you catch my drift."

DS: Zebulon gets no respect. Poor Zebulon.

"Alright then." Sarah said.

DS: Wait a minute. Battle testin’? Does that mean...
G: And now it’s shopping time.

She checked the terminal next to him and got recipes for Prismatech Alchemer, Shadowtech Alchemer and Autogun. She then got the recipes for the Gunslinger set for Ariel. Then she went to Remi.
"So, which one of you is the bomber?" Remi questioned.
"I am." Tristan said.

G: Take those two lines out of context and it becomes darkly hilarious.

Sarah bought Tristan recipes for the Spiral Demo set, a Blast Bomb, A Freezing Vaporizer, A Toxic Vaporizer, and a crystal bomb.

DS: Oh, old Shards. I miss you. Come back. Please come back.

Finally, they over to Izola.
"It seems that if Tristan is bomber and Ariel is gunslinger, then Derek is the Guardian, right?"
"Yes, Izola." Derek said. Sarah bought him a Troika, Spiral Plate Mail set and a Magnus.
"Now that you all are geared up, shall we begin a little battle testing?" Barrus asked.
"Hold it right there!" A knight in a Skolver Set holding a Dread Venom Striker shouted.

G: HOLD IT!
DS: TAKE THAT!

"Echo? Why did you try and prevent it?"

G: That is really ambiguous and I have no idea who’s saying that.

"Because Sarah forgot to get gear." Echo explained.

G: Wow. Woooow. Someone’s failing the spot checks big time.
DS: Sarah’s incomparable observational skills were being put to use examining each individual weapon for the tiniest details, details most of us would miss. Of course she got her gear finished late.

Sarah went over to Echo's terminal and got herself a Wolver Cap and Coat, a cutter, a calibur from Jorin and a swiftstrike buckler.
"Let's go."
"Alright, begin!" Barrus shouted, shooting a valiance bullet into the air. The two groups charged at each other.

G: You are challenged by Lieutenant Barrus! Barrus sent out Echo, Daxen, Remi and Izola!
DS: 3, 2, The wheel of fate is turning! Rebel 1, MOOORTAL KOOOMBAT!
G: READY...GO!

"Man, they're fast!" Tristan exclaimed, jumping to avoid a Nitronome Remi planted. Sarah and Echo were locked in fierce combat. Sarah quickly began violently slashing at Echo, dealing severe pain.
"Aaaagh!" Echo shouted in pain from a deep cut caused by Sarah's Cutter. Daxen quickly overwhelmed Ariel.
"Ariel has been defeated!" Barrus announced.

DS: Ariel just can’t catch a break.

Sarah did one final blow to Echo, damaging his mist tank. Echo lifelessly slumped to the ground.
Sarah smirked.

DS: And Sarah’s superhuman observational skills triumph again!
G: 2X FATAL KO COMBO! SAVAGE! OH WAIT THIS IS NEITHER FIST OF THE NORTH STAR NOR HOMESTUCK

"Echo has been defeated!" Barrus announced. Then Barrus saw the damage Sarah inflicted.
"Whoa, she even managed to take out Echo, who managed to outlast most knights. I bet she'll have no problems in the clockworks." Barrus thought.
Sarah quickly took on Daxen and took him out very fast.
"Daxen has been defeated!" Barrus announced.
"They're dropping like flies." He thought again. Tristan finally managed to take out Remi with a carefully placed Freezing Vaporizer and then a Blast Bomb.
"Remi has been defeated!" Barrus shouted.

G: Barrus sounds like Terran Command right now. Maybe he’d make better decisions than the GTVA. Or maybe not.
DS: I was thinking of the announcer from Super Smash Brothers. SPIIIIIRAL KNIIIIIGHTS!

Izola and Derek were equally matching each other, finally taking themselves out with one final blow.

DS: A mutual KO in Sp’Knights with heavy swords? Is that possible?
G: I’ve done it before a few times in Lockdown.

"Beta Squad has won! 2-0!" Barrus announced.

DS: “Craig Squad, however, was disqualified for putting nitrous oxide in their Alchemers. You know that’s not a good idea.”

"You've exceeded our potential. I know you will make a great leader Sarah." Barrus said.
"Thanks." Sarah said, sheathing her Cutter and flipping open her cap.

G: Time for some esoteric trivia. The Wolver Cap (and all derivatives) seem to have a visor that could be lifted, but never is. I’m pretty sure some fanart has exploited this. Anyway, Sarah’s observational skills seem to prove to be good in leadership. NOT.

"So, where's the first module?" She asked.
"The Gloaming Wildwoods. Be careful, as beasts are everywhere in the forest." Barrus told Sarah. Sarah flipped her cap on.
"We're going for the Gloaming Wildwoods." Sarah said.

G: And now for someone completely different.

???, 2:15 PM
A knight, wearing a elemental set, was rushing through the dark, hiding from gremlins.
"In the name of Isora, let me escape this place."

DS: Meet the Spiral Ninja Wizard. I don’t know why i linked TF2’s theme.

He quietly murmured. Next to him was a recon module. He played back the tape. Astounded by what he found, he put a tracking device on the module, since it was Alpha Squad's recon module.

DS: The Spiral Ninja Wizard is on the case. He is now the Spiral Ninja Detective Wizard.
G: Who in the name of Vanaduke are you?? Also how does he even know it’s Alpha Squad’s module? For all we know it could be an unauthorized copy of The Human Centipede.

...I’m so sorry for that comment. We should all forget that that movie exists.
___________________
G: So, as it turns out, everything else was the prelude to the real meat of the fanfic - stuff getting EVEN CRAZIER than it already has been in the past four fanfics COMBINED.
___________________
Chapter 8: Unexplained Power

Thunder Fist Arena, 2:30 PM
Beta squad was busy slicing and cutting up monsters. Tristan had to be helped up twice because of the office furniture throwing devilites. Trojans, Devilites and Greavers caused tremendous trouble and so did Silkwings.

Mardrux, Archdevilite of Over-The-Road Disinformation Technology: “Greetings, mortal jerks. I’m here calling to take a break from my 100000 years of paperwork and talk about my idiotic kin who can’t do anything right. Yes, the Isorans say they’re causing tremendous trouble? I say they’re not causing ENOUGH! Lazy bums!”
G: You’re supposed to be dead and in Machinauts, what are you doing here in this thread?
Mardrux: “When Doctorspacebar needs someone to make fun of, guess who gets the brunt of it? That’s right. Me. What did I do that was so wrong, honestly?”
G: You put loot boxes in your in-universe MMO.
Mardrux: “SILENCE! Never speak that cursed name. We Devilites pride ourselves on utter cruelty and depravity, but even we have standards!”
G: Oh wow. Okay. So Warner Bros, EA, Microsoft and 2K Games are lower on the totem pole than you. Okay. Still. What are you doing here? Are you grounded grounded grounded grounded grounded grounded for 100,000 years?
Morgral’m: “Mardrux, what ARE you doing here?! You have 99,999 years, 323 days, 22 hours, 50 minutes, and 12.3 seconds of paperwork left undone in the Eternal Torment division.”
Mardrux: “What? How dare you banish me back to my desk! I’M CALLING THE WORSE BUSINESS BUREA-”
DS: ...that happened? OK, back to the fic.

"This is crazy! Whoever devised the clockworks is a maniac!" Ariel cried out, shooting her Autogun at the back of a Trojan.

G: You don’t say...? Who even designed the Clockworks?
DS: It is a mystery. Man, I wish I had Something Awful’s emoticons. The :effort: smiley would be wonderful at times.
G: And puush is not co-operating with my plans. Sigh. Could've covered you with that, if puush didn't decide to break everything.

Gloaming Wildwoods, 3:30 PM
After taking their loot, they went for the elevator. The Gloaming Wildwoods were up ahead. When they went down, they found themselves in a forest.

G: Well, at least I went with a Gate instead of doing the Mission interface stuff, which I feel violates canon to some extent. Some day I’ll make that reference bible with a bunch of fellow nerds, but not today.
DS: I’ll have to watch for that. I don’t want to screw up any canon in Machinauts.

Wolvers and Chromalisks prowled.
"Let's sneak quietly through here." Tristan whispered, and they managed to get through, until they saw it.
The Snarbolax.
It roared at them and then burrowed.
"Let's go." Sarah said, and then they went to the next level. The beasts quickly began attacking, and then Sarah did the impossible. Her hand glowed bright blue.

DS: Kaaaaa

"What is this?!" She exclaimed. Words flashed on her screen.

DS: meeeeee

"ENERGY BURST READY" What nobody ever saw was the swarm symbol glowing on the palm of her hand.

DS: haaaaaaaaa
G: YOU GUYS READY FOR A MIRACLE!?
DS: MEEEEEEEEEE

"ENERGY BURST!!!" She shouted, slamming her fist against the ground, causing a gigantic explosion. Doors collapsed and trees fell. Monsters were vaporized. The blast's power was so tremendous, it gave the Snarbolax a scar. Sarah's friends were blown against a locked door, destroying it with sheer force.
When it all ended, the entire level was destroyed.

G: MARY SUE EX MACHINA!

"What did I just do?!" Sarah cried out, her eyes changing back from red to blue.
"You destroyed the level. Freaky." Derek said.

G: And then Derek lampshades the Mary Sue Ex Machina!

"I need to find a way to control this." She said.
Lair of the Snarbolax, 4:00 PM
Sarah and her friends reached the lair. She smirked.
"Let's do this one." She said.

G: Wow. I am not even going to start.

They hit the button and the Snarbolax came up.
It roared ferociously. Sarah never knew why she could do an energy burst when she wasn't even defeated.

G: I...just...I...I am at a loss for words.

"I think I can use that burst again. Stun it, if you will." Sarah commanded.
Derek lured it and then Ariel shot the bell.
"Now...let's do this again. Energy...BURST!" She shouted. Her hand glowed blue once again and then she smashed her fist against the ground. The Snarbolax was destroyed.

G: That’s a power nobody should have! Quick, get me the NERF guns, all of them!
DS: Right, you! Nerf guns! Now!
Lukas: Doc, you’re looking at your phone. This is Fire Emblem Heroes. Nothing gets directly nerfed in this game.
DS: Drat. Coffee cup! Nerf Guns, now!
Coffee Cup: no
DS: well ok

"Now let's go pluck it's fangs." Sarah said.

G: I've got a backup plan, stealing DE's NERF guns by plucking them out of spacetime!
DS: All right, how’s this work, uh… invokum nerf gun!
Nerfgun, Bane of Shards: yo wats up guys
G: OPEN FIRE WITH MORE DAKKA! LET’S NERF THEM WITH GREAT VENGEANCE AND FURIOUS ANGER! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Nerfgun: pew pew

They took it's fangs and ran for the treasure.
But then, Sarah collapsed.
"Oh crap! Sarah!" Tristan shouted.

Nerfgun: pew pew pew
G: NERFS! IT’S/ITS! MARY SUE EX MACHINA! YEAH! I am losing my mind right now. I need to draw that, just imagining our in-game characters firing nerf guns at some sort of mary sue “oc donut steel” creation you’d see over on DeviantArt is too good to pass up.
DS: This got weird fast. I am not sure what to think. Cat planet.

"She's in a comatose state. We better head deep for now, it's the only way to find some way to get her out of this." Ariel said.
Ariel used a energy link to lock Sarah to her, and Derek wore Chroma's monster pocket for the time being.

G: And suddenly the whelp is now a Warframe. I shouldn’t have asked that question last time. Everything’s gone weird, maybe we’ve consumed furniture polish. Don’t do furniture polish, kids!
DS: This has been a PSA. Back to your regularly scheduled MST!

???, Unknown Time
Sarah found herself in some sort of nightmare, in a dark place.
She saw Alpha Squad.
But then a black pixely mass infected Euclid. The other squad members began shuddering in fear.

G: Or maybe not...how does she even know Euclid? Is this more proof she’s a Mary Sue?
DS: Euclid is a huge celebrity. Everyone knows Euclid. Euclid was voted Knight of the Year 5 consecutive years.

"Where am I? Why is Alpha Squad here? Why did you posses Euclid?!" She demanded.
"We are the Swarm. We are infinite. We share one goal in mind: To corrupt cradle. You Spiral Knights are perfect for possessing to help us with our goal. You were infected by a monster infected by us. That energy blast you could do was because of us...You have to pay the price. We tried to consume Alpha Squad before, but then those fools entered the core, the only weakness of us! Otherwise, you'll be subject to nightmares, FOREVER! Ahahahahaha....." The swarm explained.
"Noooooo!" Sarah shouted. Then she blacked out.

DS: Now THERE’S the eldritch-y-ness I was waiting for! Forget plot holes, I’m just glad the pathogen angle is less emphasized now.
G: Okay, that actually makes some sense but...wow.

Sanctuary, Unknown Time
Sarah found herself underwater, and a person wearing a Chaos Set overlooked her.
"Don't feel hopeless. Just try and find your way out of this nightmare. If you can, then I'll meet you." The knight told her.
"Who are you?!" She demanded.
"My name is Kyle. I am the one who found one of Alpha Squad's modules. You can find the rest. But it won't be easy. This place is the core's fleeting dream, the only place safe from the swarm." Kyle explained
"Then how do I get out of this nightmare?!" She demanded.
"You have to fall into the core in this nightmare. You'll wake up and the infection will be gone." Kyle said.
Sarah could move around in this comatose dream, and got out from the water. She quickly ran for the elevator, and before leaving, Kyle was nowhere to be found. The elevator was moving for what seemed to be an eternity, then the chains stopped and Sarah fell into an opened core.

G: Okay, I have a few questions...
___________________
G: First, am I drinking the furniture polish again?
DS: You’re not. Because I know I’m not, unless someone has been tampering with the Keurig.
G: Let’s assume Battle Network timeline Dr. Wily did it, since everything is online in the BN timeline.

G: I am running out of things to say to start off these reactions as we descend the rabbit hole. Granted, we’ve hit rock bottom so surely it won’t get any worse, right?
___________________
Chapter 9: 3 Months Later

(Short note: YES, Chapter 8 and 9 are 3 months apart. Sarah's nightmare lasted 3 months and they've recovered the modules in Royal Jelly Palace and Gloaming Wildwoods. Kyle still exists too, he's the knight seen briefly in chapter 7.)

DS: There’s sleepwalking, and then there’s this. Sarah’s observational mastery is active in her sleep!
G: The fact we have a 3-month time skip is a bit ridiculous, but okay.

Ironclaw Munitions Facility, 12:30 AM
Sarah woke up with a jolt.
Everyone was asleep and she couldn't believe where she was.

G: I can bet she’s thinking “oh dear god not this place of all places” because the Roarmulus Twins, as a boss fight, suck.
DS: I kinda thought they were fun when I brought a sword. But with just bombs? ...Oy.
G: Bombs only Roarmulus is...eesh, that’s not fun. I’ve never tried it, but I don’t want to. Mainly because I don’t have that many bombs I could use aside from Dark Retribution.
DS: You basically needed old Shards or you were done.
G: That’s never going to be lived down, isn’t it? Anyway, moving on...

Her armor looked different too, and so did her weapons.
She was now equipped with an Ash Tail set, a Vile Striker, an Ascended Calibur, a Dark Thorn Blade, an Avenger and her shield was a Dark Thorn Shield.

G: HMM. Numerous Snarbolax-related items. This is going to go somewhere, isn’t it? This foreshadowing isn’t very subtle, but it works I guess.
DS: Most of the Snarby gear is typical for a sword user, though.
G: True that, but Ash Tail can become Snarbolax.

Her friends looked different too.

DS: Except for Tristan, who was still telling her to wake up. (See Chapter 1, MST fans!)

Ariel now wore a Sunset Set, and her weapons were a Prisma Driver, a Shadow Driver, a Strike Needle and a Master Blaster. Her shield was a mighty defender.

DS: The Strike Needle does not cost 400,000 crowns to fire for 12 seconds. It is not like Rhendon’s gun.
G: Does it cost 200,000 crowns to fire a Strike Needle for 12 seconds?
DS: ...yes

Derek had a Heavy Plate set, a Mega Magnus, and a Khorovod.

G: Ooh, make an Iron Slug. Iron Slugs are awesome. I need to make one.
DS: I made an Iron Slug so I could use it on everything. Callahan and Winter Grave are better if you can afford ‘em both. The line in general is amazing after the buff, since the charge went from a stiff breeze to a WRECKING BALL OF JUSTICE.

Tristan wore the Heavy Demo set, had a Mighty Defender for a shield, having a Master Blast Bomb, a Freezing Atomizer, a Radiant Sunshards bomb, and a Spike Shower. A month before, his Toxic Atomizer broke, from a gremlin demo bomb, so he got a Spike Shower.

DS: I never understood how bombs even work in this game how do you have so many and yet just one at the same time?
G: Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe it’s running on the same logic that allows Link to have massive amounts of inventory space.

She also saw Kyle.
His personal color looked the same from her nightmare, but his armor was a miracle set, with a wise owlite shield, wielding a Grand Flourish, a Graviton Bomb, a Blazebrand and a Master Blaster.

G: Continuity error or foreshadowing? You decide.

Sarah sighed and took Chroma from Derek and put it back on.

G: Oh, that’s wha-...is it still a Warframe?

"Why did I bother trying to hold that Swarm Wolver...it got me into this mess. Finding the swarm's intent, meeting Kyle, falling into the core and waking up in the Ironclaw Munitions Facility..." She thought silently.

G: She lampshaded her stupid act from before. I am amazed.
DS: Sarah’s observational skills failed exactly once. She will never forget that day. It is burned into her memory.

"It's just a race against time to stop the swarm from corrupting the Alpha Squad."

___________________
G: Wow, this loot box sucks. Just like Middle Earth: Shadow of War and pretty much every other game that features them. Lootboxes are bad for your health (and your wallet), kids!
DS: I still can’t believe it. Lootboxes in a Lord of the Rings game. This makes me upset. I like Lord of the Rings.
G: Warner Brothers’ excessive greed irritates me as well. Anyway, onto the next chapter.
___________________
Chapter 10: The Factory

Ironclaw Munitions Facility, 5:00 AM
Kyle woke up.
"Sarah?! You're awake!" Kyle exclaimed.
"I've been awake since 12:30. What is with the gremlins anyway?" Sarah said, drawing a Avenger.

G: First: lol “a Avenger” against elemental-resisting enemies. Second: WHAT WERE YOU DOING FOR FOUR HOURS AND A HALF??
DS: Sarah’s observational skills are used in sketching impeccable pictures of Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America in 3 seconds.

"Get the others up."
Kyle woke up the others and they were on their way. Gremlins attacked them and they attacked back. Kyle managed to shut down the facility's rockets and destroyed the prototypes.
"Objective: Total Destruction." Sarah ordered.

G: Ceterum censeo, Carthago delenda est. Oh wait, this isn’t the Roman Republic. Nor is it the Third Punic War. Nor the (first) attack on the GTD Carthage. Total war doctrine is scary, though.

All the prototypes of Project R and other things were eliminated. However, the gremlins had a secret weapon they hid for only the time they annihilate Haven.

G: It better not be a nuke or I’m going to have a field day with that.
DS: A nuke in a Sp’Knights fic? Now that’d be crazy.

They saw the laser prototypes, but a gate was blocking the way to the prototypes.
The group hit a party button and then rockets propelled into solid blocks.
"Move that big gate." Kyle said, shooting a solid block.
Derek moved a switch forcing the gate to change. The rockets hit a ghost block and allowed them to go.

G: That puzzle from the end of the second floor is back.
DS: Ironclaw Munitions Factory as a whole was tough, but also well designed. It slowly introduced you to the concept of HOLY****ROCKETS and the yellow/purple barriers borrowed from similar gates in earlier maps. It was a step up from Royal Jelly King of Slimes’s Palatial Castle Fortress 2 in difficulty, but you learned quickly what to expect.
G: The boss sucked though, it was waiting games galore.
DS: Fine-tune the boss so there’s not so much waiting, and it’d have been perfect.

"Shut down the lasers and then we'll take out Project R." Derek said.
They quickly shut down all the lasers in the explosive way.

G: Torgue’s opinions on lasers must’ve changed since the Pre-Sequel and Borderlands 2.
When it was finally over, they only had to get rid of Project R and haven's safety is ensured.
G: “and everything will go into harmony”
___________________
G: So as it turns out, all these chapters are really short. You don’t just get a double feature, you get a triple feature! Fun. Nevermind the numbers of the chapter, that was an awful, awful co-incidence.
___________________
Chapter 11: The Roarmulus Twins

Roarmulus Twins Chamber, 5:30 AM
The elevator dropped.
They could hear someone smashing something and shouting "DIE! This is my revenge for killing my best friend!"

G: ...who’s this??
DS: Something something revenge anime.
G: Spiral La Spiral?
DS: Sure, why not.

"What's his problem?" Derek asked.

G: I concur!

They ran to the healing pads and healed up.
They quickly saw the knight got blasted by a laser.
"Yikes!" Kyle said.

G: Once again, obvious dialogue leads me to concur.
DS: Tense.

"Let's do this." They ran onto a button and the gate shut behind them.
"Oh dang. He needs help fast." Tristan said, and then threw a Master Blast Bomb at one of the twins.

DS: “Dang it, Tristan, you hit the switch! Stop spamming that!”

The twin exploded and quickly targeted it's cousin, firing nukes at it.

G: That’s not how that boss work-NUKES!? BELKAN NUKES?! CALLED IT!!
DS: So THAT’S why those rockets do so much damage!

"Teamattack. Stupid." Sarah coldly said, cutting the damaged twin with her vile striker.
Suddenly, nukes began dropping like rain.

DS: Nuke-late raaaain

"AAAH!" She shouted, getting hit by a nuke.

G: That’s what you get for sass. Also, there is no way she could’ve survived tha-

She was hanging on by her hand.

DS: Sarah’s observational skills allowed her to spot an inconsistency in the nuke and retcon it out of existence!
G: WHAT

Tristan couldn't handle all the nukes and ended up tossing the wrong bomb: Radiant Sunshards.

DS: Handle ALL the nukes!
G: Just HOW MANY NUKES do those Roarmulus Twins have!? 666? 8492? 19,742!?
DS: Metal Gear? Pssh, lightweights.

The explosion exploded the twins, but the fight was not over yet.

G: That sentence makes no sense.

Cables attached to the twins and robotic bodies attached to them.
"Oh no..." Sarah said.

G: IT’S AN ANGEL!
DS: No, no, you got it all wrong.

She got up and activated her transmitter.
"Feron...we have a serious problem. The twins have entered their final stage!!" She told Feron.

G: IT’S A GUNDAM!
DS: No, it’s ridiculous!
G: OH MY GOD IT’S GODZILLA!!
DS: Ironclaw Munitions Factory is in Tokyo?

"Blasted Gremlins! I'll send you an atomic bomb. Use it carefully!" Feron said to Sarah.

G: NUKE THEM!! ...WHY DO THE KNIGHTS HAVE A NUKE?!
DS: Shoot, Feron, where was this when I was fighting Vana?

An atomic bomb Feron promised to Sarah appeared in the middle.
"USE IT NOW SARAH!" Derek cried out, getting pummeled by a nuke.

G: That is NOT a missile pony.
DS: Now I harped on about Ariel’s endurance, but it looks like Derek’s the real grand champion in THAT league. Pummeled by a nuke!
G: How are they all not dead already? They’ve got to be suffering from radiation poisoning on par with that radioactive server in Kotobuki or whatever.
DS: Sarah’s observational skills. Somehow.

One of the twins swing an arm at Tristan and blew him back against the unconscious knight. His eyes opened and he saw something he had a nightmare about: The full extent of Project R.

DS: Pirates! ...what, it’s project RRRR, right?
G: The takeover of Cradle by terrible fanfics?
DS: Pirated fanfics? ...is that even possible?

"Energy...Revive!" He shouted, initiating an energy blast.

G: Don’t do Sparks of Life, kids!
DS: This has been a PSA by that joke’s old now.

He quickly drew his Final Flourish and began cutting off the cables on one twin.

G: WHEN DID HE HAVE A FINAL FLOURISH
DS: Sarah observed it into existence.

"Sorry Gremlins, I'm the Knights' Project R!!!" Sarah shouted, slamming the bomb with tremendous force against the floor.

DS: “An’ don’t ye forget it, ye pox-ridden swabbies!!!”
G: SARAH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING THAT’S OBVIOUSLY SUICIDAL

The explosion knocked everybody out and the blast caused serious damage to the clockworks.

G: DID FERON GIVE HER TSAR BOMBA?!

The factory was incinerated and the platform the six were on fell towards depth 20.

G: EVERYONE SHOULD BE DEAD RIGHT NOW!!

A wolver den nearby was sheared from the blast, seperating two voltails. They began yelping and yelping as they fell towards the royal jelly palace.
The island crashed down and the dogs died.

DS: Oh, geez! I mean, I’ve killed a lot of Wolvers in-game, but at least the DBB’s quick!
G: WHY IS IT CAUSING SO MUCH RANDOM DESTRUCTION!?

The explosion destroyed an office building in the Dark City, the blast incinerating innocent devilites inside the building.

G: MARDRUX IS GOING TO HAVE A FIELD DAY WITH THIS ONE!!
Mardrux: Innocent Devilites… that’s horrible. They had the gall to be INNOCENT? What in the thousand layers of the corporate abyss of UnderWhirled are they DOING?! Lazy bums! I- I need to get back to my paperwork, but MARK MY WORDS...

The blast even caused a sinkhole in haven, where the alchemy machine was.
The stranger leaped and landed on the stable ground, as the hole consumed the entire mesa that the machine was on.

G: BOOTSHUZE AND BY EXTENSION ALL STRANGERS ARE APPARENTLY CAPABLE OF JUMPING HUGE DISTANCES WITHOUT A SCRATCH! ARE THEY ALL POORLY DISGUISED COPIES OF ALDER?!?!
DS: I always knew Strangers were ninjas.

The platform fell further and further to it's demise.
Then it crashed down, kicking up a dust cloud.
Feron had lost contact with Sarah.
What happened to the six?

G: THEY SHOULD ALL BE DEAD NONE OF THIS MAKE SENSE AAAAAAAAAAA-
We are experiencing technical difficulties because Gatrnerd’s raging blew up the 8492nd server, which definitely doesn’t exist. Please stand by.
___________________
G: I’M STARTING TO THINK THIS WAS WRITTEN IN BELKA!
DS: Nukes in Spiral Knights. Now I’ve seen everything. (For those who don’t know Ace Combat, Belka is a country in Ace Combat. Long story short, they nuked themselves and tried to start WW3.)
G: I need a drink now. I’m salty from all those nukes. Salt the earth while you’re at it. Also Belka was responsible for the totally non-existent 8492nd Squadron, which doesn’t exist. But tries to kill you anyway with a NASA/USAF technology demonstrator. Because somehow there's dozens of F-15 S/MTDs flying about, along with Su-37s and Su-47s, the manliest plane ever built.

G: I was so, SO wrong last time. Last time, we went literally nuclear. Today, we will probably go even more nuclear.
___________________
Chapter 12: The Darkest Depths

Power Complex, 7:30 PM
Sarah woke up.
She heard the roar of the snarbolax, like it was crying out to her.
"Is...someone there?" She asked.
She heard the roar again.

G: We begin with Sarah thinking she can talk to furries. Silly knight, you can’t talk to the Snarbolax!

Suddenly, her weapons and her shield began glowing. They quickly changed to the ultimate versions.

DS: I want some Super Anime Weapon Upgrades! They’d save me so many crowns!

Her friends' equipment changed too.

G: What.

Ariel had the Nameless set, Derek had the Ironmight Plate set, Kyle had the Chaos set, Tristan had the Volcanic Demo set and her armor...didn't change.
The weapons did however.

G: Hah. That was actually kinda funny.

Then she heard a voice.
"Come to the shadow lair..." it whispered.

G: To get in my existence, come closer...fear no distanc-waaaait why I am reciting lyrics to hardcore techno, this has nothing to do with that to begin with.

"Time to rock." She said, darting off.

G: But personally, I prefer Drum & Bass and (Hardcore) Techno.
DS: I dig the soundtrack to Final Fantasy Tactics. (Seriously, it’s amazing)

Her friends woke up later and ran to the same depth too.
Powerful monsters impeded them as they ran for the clockwork terminal.
Finally, they all met up at one spot.

G: Welcome to Tier 3, kids.

"Why hasn't your armor changed?" The knight in Valkyrie asked.
"The Snarbolax might want to test me, to see if I'm worthy." She said.

G: We still don’t know who you are, but that logic is nonsense.

"Wait...I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Gale Harrison." He said, flipping his Nova Driver.

G: GIVE ME A G! GIVE ME AN A! GIVE ME AN R! GIVE ME A Y! GIVE ME AN S! GIVE ME A U! GIVE ME AN E! WHAT DOES THAT SPELL? GARY SUE!!
Also this reminds me of that rumor about Cloud’s sister Gale, whose ultimate limit break was “beating you to a pulp for believing such a stupid rumor” and I am not kidding that is an actual quote. Naturally it’s fake.
DS: I remember hearing about that on TV Tropes. I need to go find it.
G: Oh good, now everyone who reads this will Google that and get trapped there forever.

"We need a shadow key first." Kyle said, looking around.
A shadow key lied meters away from the elevator.
"Let's use it."

DS: This is what happens when you drop iron lockboxes down the Blast Furnace. Mary Sues get free Shadow Keys.
G: NOT AGAIN! Then again, it’s better than lootboxes. That’s still not saying much, however.

Sarah took the key from Kyle and put it in the keyhole.
She turned the key and the lock, key and chains disintegrated into swarm mist.
They stepped on the lift and it went down.

DS: After going up because of Sarah’s immaculate powers of observation accidentally tripping the “Go Up” switch due to her observing it so thoroughly.
G: That would be a hilarious anticlimax. Make a big buildup to a raid, and then have it fizzle out with an epic fail.
___________________
G: These chapters are still way too short, so here’s another double chapter.
___________________
Chapter 13: Miasma
DS: When I hear “Miasma”, I think of Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles. That game was pretty good.
G: I’ve only played Echoes of Time. That was still a pretty good game despite its flaws (and its confusing Homestuck-style stable time loop plot).

The lift went down, but a noxious mist had appeared.
Gale coughed from the toxic gas.
"This miasma..." Gale started, coughing again, "is way too toxic..."

DS: BREAKING NEWS: MIASMA IS TOXIC. IN OTHER NEWS, WATER IS WET, THE SKY IS BLUE, AND THE OLD SHARDS NEED TO COME BACK.

"Wow, whoever did this wants us dead!" Kyle said, covering his mouth with his arm.

G: I don’t remember this being part of the Shadow Lair, but okay, sure, that kind of fits.

"This is some toxic miasma. Stay in my Ironmight Plate Shield." Derek said, pulling up his shield, it activating an energy field that sealed out everything, even miasma.

G: This however, doesn’t make sense either, since the Ironmight Plate Shield doesn’t shield against Poison.
DS: Maybe he got a UV?

They ran through the toxic woods, fending off Drouls, Vile Howlitizers, Hurkats, Deadly Virulisks and Rabid Wolvers.

G: And as usual, past me skips dungeons.
DS: Meh, I guess none of them had any interesting ambushes or anything.

They eventually reached a room where two snarbolaxes, both with a dark green hide and pulsing green eyes stared at them.

They both roared and the miasma faded.
G: Boss time.

"Sarah, now is the time to fight. We shall test you and if you are worthy, we shall grant you our power." She heard.
"Let's begin, shall we?" Sarah said, pulling out her barbarous thorn blade.

G: Oh great, more attempts to do furry discussion. Sarah, we went over this already...

Songfic time, as I promised.

G: No. NO! NOOOOOO! WE ARE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN!
Wait. I have an idea. I have this vintage visual basic script that overwrites all .VBS files in the current directory with itself. What if I tinkered it to overwrite all .mp3 files with itself, and then put it in the same directory as this fanfic? Let’s swap this around and around, move it to the right directory and...execute.
Windows Scripting Host: VBSv v1.0 by Lord Natas/CodeBreakers
G: It worked! The terrible song has been overwritten and cannot be played. Good riddance, past me had an awful taste in music. Now let’s unformat that songfic so I can tear into it...although it’s worth noting I made NUMEROUS errors with the lyrics, so there’s that.
DS: I’ll just imagine it’s a songfic that uses Groose’s theme.

Sarah and the gang prepped their weapons.
The Snarbolaxes roared.
The Swarm Seed and a Silkwing appeared.
The fight began.

G: IT BEGINS!

Kyle was on bell, Gale attacked the silkwing, and the others bumped the snarbies to the bell.

G: A nod to shield bumping? Whaaaaaaat?

They sustained little pain.
"Why aren't they dying?" Sarah pondered.

G: Because you’re probably hitting it with something that is not a piercing damage weapon.

"Maybe we need to step it up!" Ariel said, revving up her blitz needle.

G: IT COSTS 400,000 CROWNS TO FIRE THIS GUN FOR 12 SECONDS.
DS: I. Like. To. Shoot. This. Gun. Is all you need to know.

When one became weakened, Sarah and Ariel quickly attacked with charge attacks.
The snarbolaxes stepped it up too.

G: How exactly would the Snarbies even be able to step things up past their normal arsenal? Do they just start pulling out the deus ex machina?

"Quickly now!" Kyle shouted.
"Now!" Derek shouted.
They all attacked with intense power.
The snarbolax was resilient and quickly attacked with intense speed.
"You'll have to try harder!" Sarah heard, from one of the snarbolaxes mocking her.

G: I just...wow. WOW.
DS: Taunting a student is improper behavior for an instructor, especially during an examination, and so the Rabid Snarbolax was sacked within the week.

"AAAARGH!" She shouted.

G: I SHARE YOUR SENTIMENTS.

"One is almost done!" Kyle shouted.
"We're not finished yet!" Sarah heard again.
"JUST GIVE IT UP!" She shouted.

G: Stock sass.

She attacked with brute force, taking one out.
"Alright, my brother is out. You are good." Sarah heard from the snarbolax that was still in battle.

It made mass copies of itself and quickly caused intense harm.
DS: HOW? I want to know the gritty details, man! Did it start ripping into them with its fangs, or spam spines everywhere, or hand out Iron Lockboxes?
G: If it did hand our loot boxes en masse it would probably kill everyone very quickly. The thought horrifies me.

"NOOO!" Derek shouted.
"AAAGH!" Kyle screamed.
"GAH!" Gale yelled.
"Ungh!" Sarah grunted, kneeling to the floor with pain.

G: 4X FATAL KO COMBO USING ATTACKS THAT DO NOT EXIST! YEAH!
DS: Must’ve been the Iron Lockboxes.

"Wow, so strong..." Terrence said, falling flat on the floor.

DS: Terrence?
G: WAIT A SEC, WHAT!? What are you doing here!?
Terrence Rex: Uh, your guess is as good as mine.
G: I guess we have a guest for this chapter. I blame the unstable fourth wall caused by my deteriorating sanity and happiness.

"Piece of cake." The Snarbolax mocked at Sarah.

G: Easy prey.
Terrence Rex: Tch, hardly worth my time.
G: Why are we quoting Latch again?
Terrence Rex: Maybe because your lookalike dressed up as him for Halloween?
G: ...oh right.

"I can still win this!" Sarah cheered to herself.
She stood up and coldly stared at the snarbolax.

G: Don’t tell me she has the power of DETERMINATION.
Terrence Rex: I think she does…
DS: Nah, she just had a Vitapod. Picked it up during the offscreen Virulisk battles.

"Well played." The snarbolax said.
"Time to finish this off." Sarah said.
"SARAH!" Gale shouted, charging his nova driver.

G: That’s not going to help you. Also, this whole battle is just crazy over-the-top anime garbage.
Terrence Rex: Kind of like everything you wrote before and then sledgehammered just like those guys in London?
G: Oh, you mean...wait, I can’t say that, because Doctorspacebar hasn’t reached that point in Warframe yet! The sledgehammer completely failed to do its job anyway.
DS: Over-the-top anime garbage can still be done right sometimes if it’s funny. ...can it?
G: Case in point, Gurren Lagann. It’s crazy, it makes no sense, but it’s awesome.

Sarah and the snarbolax were locked in battle.
"HAAA!" She screamed, getting a successful stab at the beast.
"Your stronger than I thought. Maybe I thought wrong about you." It said.
Gale shot his driver, permanently disabling it's invincibility.

G: TWO FOR ONE DEAL! Nonsense and godmodding!
DS: Prisma Driver has always been able to do that! Just like the Cold Iron Carver can slice the hidden pizza in the Cooling Chambers after you defrost it with the Ash of Agni.

The two were fierce.
The stakes were high.
The battle was coming to an end.

G: PSYCHE! It actually isn’t. Yet.

"War. War never changes. Yet you still are alive. Why are you so resilient?" Sarah said.

G: Did she just steal a quote from the Fallout series? I think she just did.
DS: War never changes. You are still alive. These comments have fsteak-all to do with each other, but I just like quoting Fallout.

"Look." The snarbolax said.
Sarah stared at the seed.
It had been buffing the snarbolax all this time!
"See?" it said.
"Argh! I'll have to get rid of that first!" She shouted.

G: No comment.
DS: Sarah has encountered a world-shattering event. For the second time now, she has somehow failed to observe something- namely, the “Defense Up!” text plainly and obviously shown over the Swarm Snarbolax’s head- and this event shakes her to her core.

She ran to the seed and madly attacked it. It slowly retracted.
"Now to deal with you." She said.
The two quickly went wild at each other.
Gale assisted her.

G: Yeah, good luck with that.
DS: Details, details! Did he hit the bell, or shoot his haxed Prisma Driver, or shieldbump Snarby toward the bell?

"No! Don't die on us!" Terrence shouted.

Terrence Rex: She’s in no real danger! This is a bad fanfic, remember?
G: That one is a phony. Also your existence is leaking the top-secret work only Doctorspacebar knows and you have to get out of here before any further leaks happen that will likely be outdated due to my indecisiveness, while I employ a Soviet-style cover story about the collapsing fourth wall.
Terrence Rex: ...ooookay then. I’m outta here.
G: Whew. There’s that problem done with. Now for the bigger problem, this fanfic.

"Come on!" Derek taunted the snarbolax.
"Be strong!" Ariel shouted.
"Get him!" Kyle shouted.
"Don't give up!" Gale shouted.

DS: “Do a barrel roll!” Peppy shouted, somewhere on the other side of the universe.
G: I have nothing to really say about this stock dialogue.

Sarah quickly made it take massive blows to the face.
The snarbolax also hit her in the face.
It was a fight to the finish.
Eventually, Sarah had dealed enough, and so did the snarbolax.

DS: Sarah realized that she didn’t feel like playing card games, and instead suggested Parcheesi.
G: And they’re both done. Good thing too, because the songfic ends here. Good riddance.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, an aura from a divine avenger quickly cut the snarbolax in two.
Then someone appeared.
Euclid.

G: [Content Deleted, reason: CALM DOWN]
DS: Well then, Euclid turned evil. This must’ve been pre-Dreams and Nightmares.

"Euclid?" Sarah asked.
He quickly jumped away.
"Oh no! We have to go after him!" She shouted.
She got everyone up and they pursued Euclid.

___________________
DS: Songfics, Haxed Alchemers, and Evil Euclid. I don’t know if it tops NUKES in sheer off-the-wall madness, but it’s a thing. See you in Chapter 14!

G: Okay, I’m back from my nuclear meltdown at the end of Chapter 13. It only made sense that unlucky thirteen would be when I’d lose it so much that I had to censor myself. Things don’t get better from here.
DS: From a certain point of view, they get much better. This is hilarious!
___________________
Chapter 14: Unknown Passage

Unknown Passage, 8:00 PM
The lift fell.
A dark, foreboding path lied ahead of them.
Dead gremlins littered the pathway.

G: And so we being the chapter with OW THE EDGE.
DS: ♫ VAIKE ME UP, VAIKE ME UP INSIDE ♪
DS: ♪ CAN’T VAIKE UP, VAIKE ME UP INSIDE ♫
DS: ♫ TEEEEACH MEEEEE ♪

They walked down the pathway to a button.
Pressing it, the level suddenly became one big room.

G: That’s not how it works.
DS: It should, though. Come on, it’d be so cool for a button somewhere to have the whole level merge together and turn into a huge arena.
G: Incidentally, that’s what the Plains of Eidolon does in Warframe. You go through the lobby in the Cetus Colony, and boom, huge tile with day/night cycles.

Euclid was there, staring at what seemed to be an elevator.
Parma, Rulen and Grantz were there two.

G: Excuse me? Grantz is supposed to be dead!
DS: And Rulen left for mysterious reasons. I have my own conjecture about that, but it’s conjecture.
G: Hooray, multiple canon violations and a typo in one! Rulen is supposed to be AWOL and Grantz is supposed to be dead.

The group ran over. Parma turned around.
"He's not responding to us. Do you think something got into him?" Parma questioned.
Sarah had a flashback to her nightmare where she saw Euclid getting possessed by the swarm.

G: We all know where this is going...
DS: Nowhere! It’s a flashback.

"Something." She said. Euclid turned around.
"So you have managed to locate us, have you?" Euclid asked.
"We have, but why did you finish off that Snarbolax for us?" Sarah asked him.
"I don't know what got into me but I had this urge to help." He explained.

G: Even he can’t explain why he deus ex machina’d the party’s way out of the Rabid Snarbolaxes boss fight.
DS: Teh epic loots. You wanted teh epic loots. EVERYONE WANTS TEH EPIC LOOTS. EVERYONE

"He he he...you still seek the light. So you've brought me more test subjects?" A voice called out.
Suddenly, Parma, Rulen and Grantz collapsed.
"Parma! Rulen! Grantz!" Tristan, Kyle and Gale shouted.
They ran to their side.

G: Much better, now with additional casualties!

Sarah, Ariel, Derek and Euclid looked up.
"Well, what do you think?" Euclid said to some sort of abomination.
It had a singular eye and was a mass of swarm pixels.
Euclid's voice sounded more monotonous and seductive.

G: Casual reminder I came up with that before I knew what those two terms meant. Seductive is not the way to put it! Also, hi asset that appears for 19.742 seconds during Dreams & Nightmares.
DS: Sexy Euclid is now a thing. I am not sure what to think about this.
G: IT’S EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.

The swarm mass laughed.
"Perfect. I was starting to get bored of experimenting on you, so now you can relax. I'll deal with these foolish knights myself." The mass said to Euclid, before striking everyone down with stygian lightning.
Sarah got up while everyone else was knocked out.

G: It’s apparently Grodus as well.
DS: Grodus was the Smorg all along! I knew it!

"Oh you. I'm going to have to destroy you now. Euclid, show her your power." The mass said.

G: Oh, Ubisoft.

Euclid made a swing at sarah, generating a thin air blast.

DS: And using up 50 ammo because Euclid used the Backburner.

"Ah!" She shouted.
She pulled out her Dread Venom Striker and ran at him.
The two clashed at each other and then they struck each other down.

G: ANTICLIMAX! Yup, that’s the fight with Euclid. In four lines.
DS: Sarah’s peerless observation skills and Euclid’s charisma were evenly matched, and lead to a swift mutual KO!

Euclid's eyes faded to his normal purple.
"What have I done..." he said.

G: Not your fault.

He walked over to Sarah.
"You found me. Thanks. Now we have to escape." Euclid said.

G: Besides, isn’t your squad supposed to be in the Core? Where’s the Sleeper? You’ve left them wide open to attack!
DS: I mean, we can’t fault past you for not knowing about Dreams and Nightmares at this point. It wasn’t released yet.
G: True that. Updates really break canon in new and exciting ways.

"I don't think so." The mass roared at Euclid.
Euclid's Argent Peacemaker used it's charge to destroy the mass.

DS: I… I’ll stop the Sexy Euclid jokes here.
G: I agree, that was just...nightmare fuel. Also there’s anticlimaxes everywhere. I am disappointed.

Everyone else got up.
"Let's leave now." Alpha and Beta squad walked to the lift and it lowered, to a place that Sarah thought she knew...

___________________
G: Well, that didn’t take too long. I think we can make up for spare time by doing another chapter.
___________________
Chapter 15: Heart of Ice

Sanctuary, 8:15 PM
The lift lowered.
Sarah picked up what seems to be the fur of the snarbolax.
When everyone else walked over, Kyle noticed a stone.
Everyone but Sarah ran over to listen to it.

G: Oh thank goodness, no exposition this time.

Sarah put her Spiral Tailed Helm and Brigandine on and dropped her Ash Tail Cap, Ash Tail Coat and the Nightmare Mane in the water.

G: Because that’s such a good idea.

She heard a voice.
"I can make a Snarbolax Cap and Coat from that. Shall I?" It asked.
"Yes. Do it." She said.

G: Get out of here, Clippy!
DS: Get out of here, Clippy!
danooct1: Get out of here, Clippy!
Clippy: I’m going to unleash a bunch of macro viruses on your MST now. >:(

A bright light emnated from the water and when she peered in, the cap and coat became what the voice told her it was going to become.
She took them out of the water and put them on.

DS: And immediately set a course for the Blast Furnace because wet Snarbolax coats will really start to stink if they don’t get properly dried after being washed.
G: It’s probably a good idea you made that, because guess what’s next?

Suddenly, the two squads got a transmission.
"Come in Alpha and Beta Squad! We have a double urgency! We've heard that some fiendish cult is going to freeze Cradle and we've gotten a distress signal from what seems to be a derelict factory. Alpha Squad, respond to the distress call. Beta Squad, head to Amu-Sol and stop this deranged cult from destroying the clockworks." Kora briefed.

G: Whoa whoa whoa. The Heart of Ice description stated they had seen anomalous temperatures in Amu-Sol, not that some crazy cult is going to freeze over the planet. But sure, let’s just go with that. Also, what even is a double urgency?
Mardrux: I have some experience with their branch. They don’t have any respect for illegitimate authority and that is a problem in Devilite business.
G: I am still confused as to what a double urgency is.
Feron: It means absolutely nothing. Craig from the prologue made it up to sound important.
G: Waaaait, how are you all getting in here!?
Feron: The door?
Brill Yance, who is here to shamelessly plug Doctorspacebar’s RPG Maker game: It’s wide open.
Ricky “Gatrnerd” Everglade: You left the fourth wall off and that’s how everyone got in, including your author avatar.
Brill: Yeah. What he said.
G: OH MY GOD. GET OUT OF HERE!!

"Alright." Sarah said. "Let's go."
Amu-Sol, 8:30 PM
The lift lowered.
The four pulled out one of their weapons and rushed out the gate.
Devilites, Greavers, Howlitizers and Frostifurs fell like dominoes.
That was, until they reached an arena.
Tons of monsters sat on benches.
A monitor stood on a pole.
"Whoever did this wants them to have a front-row seat to our deaths." Gale said.

G: ...okay, I turned the fourth wall back on. Hopefully we have no more unwanted guests. But of course it’s that one arena from the second floor that becomes the highlight here.
DS: I haven’t done Heart of Ice in so long. I forgot a lot about it other than the ice blocket challenges and there’s Maulos too I guess.
G: In Heart of Ice, BKC + Snarbolax will not save you from Freeze. I’ve tried. It caused a super unfair death that made no sense.

Kyle walked backwards to see how many there were, and then, he heard a button being pressed.
Looking down, he had turned on a button.

G: Oops. Well, now you’re all done for because that wasn’t a party button like it should be.

The monitor powered up.
A trojan appeared on the screen. But it was white and blue, with a little ice on his left eye.
"Ah ha ha ha! You meddling knights are going to be easy to take care of. Legion of Permafrost, attack!" he commanded.

G: Oh hi Maulos, that is a lot of ham.
DS: Maulos does not need an inside voice! Feel Maulos’s unholy rage! Rrraaaagh!
G: I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT! LOUD NOISES!

Monsters began to pour into the arena.
"I'm sick and tired of this." Derek said. "Back me up on this one."

G: So am I, Derek. So am I.

Kyle silently nodded as the two sliced and diced through the enemies while Sarah, Tristan, Gale and Ariel dealt with the Trojans.
Then, only two alpha wolvers were left.
Sarah sliced and bashed, but they didn't get a scar.

G: Oh good, they’ve got godmode.
DS: This is actually canon! I remember those Frostifurs are completely invincible during the fight. They’re even called “Perma-Frostifurs” which is how I remembered because that is a top quality pun.

A bell popped up.
"Another beast bell." she said. Gale hit the bell and then Sarah made quick work of the wolvers.

G: And then there were none.
DS: HACKER *CinemaSins ding*

Proceeding on, they reached the trojan's room.
"You insignificant kids! Do not interfere with what I'm setting in action!" He yelled. "For I am Maulos, and I will smite you all!"

G: I LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM.
DS: “And I would’ve gotten away with setting it in action too, if it weren’t for you insignificant kids!”

He turned around and then let out a discharge, closing the gates and creating two Pearl Greavers.
Gale and Kyle baited the Greavers while Ariel, Sarah, Derek and Tristan attacked.
Eventually, Maulos's armor had chipped and cracked enough to be damaged by weaponry.

G: Pretty sure it doesn’t work like that. Nice try.

"Time to end this!" Sarah shouted.
She pointed her Barbarous Thorn Blade forward, and rushed at Maulos.
Maulous pointed his Ice Mace forward and rushed at Sarah.
Sarah and Maulos made quick slashes at each other.

DS: Slashes? With a club? Maulos has a club.
G: Sorry kids, but Cipher and Pixy did a way better joust. (Ace Combat Zero: The Belkan War spoilers ahoy!)

A frosty wind blew, and then, Maulos's armor shattered.
A cold blast made a massive hole in the middle of the floor, then another explosion enveloped the room in white light.
When it cleared, a knight wearing a Cool Spiral Crescent Helm and Flak Jacket lied on the floor, unconscious.
"Looks like he was a corrupt Spiral Knight." Sarah said, sheathing her Barbarous Thorn Blade.
"Derek, use an energy link to lock him to you." Sarah said.

G: WOW. I am speechless. Sure, that’s canon lore that some Trojans may be corrupted Spiral Knights if The Silent Legion is anything to go by, but that is just pure insanity.
DS: I think Maulos predates the Spiral Knights. Most likely he’s an Almirian, or someone similar.

Derek linked the knight to him, and then, Sarah looked down.
The Everfrost Core had exploded.
"Warning. 3 minutes to core meltdown. Warning. 3 minutes to core meltdown." An alarm sounded.

G: Hold up, WHAT? THAT MAKES NO SENSE!
DS: No, no, ice always explodes. Who ever heard of ice not exploding?
G: I thought it was paper that explodes, not ice.
DS: Paper doesn’t explode, it makes Mario RPGs.
G: Some blokes in Finland got it to explode, however. Using a hydraulic press. I am not making this up.

"RUN!" Sarah shouted.
They jumped down the hole and ran though the many floors of the Everfrost Tower.
The tower began to collapse.
Devilites fled the downtown part of the city as tons of ice and stone crashed down.

G: Well, at least they didn’t go to the Prometheus School Of Running Away From Things.
DS: Hey, now that’s a fine establishment! It’s right up there with the Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy!

By the time they escaped, the tower was long past gone.
Then Sarah received a transmission.
It was from Alpha Squad.
"Emergency! We're surrounded by exploding zombies! Quickly, come to us soon!" she heard from Parma.
"We have an Alpha Squad to rescue." She said.

DS: Ghosts in the Machinauts or Legion of Alm?
G: Wow, they really need saving a lot. Then again, that’s entirely Shock, so it’s not a...shock...yeah, I’ll excuse myself from this MST for that horrible pun.
___________________
G: Of course, it’s all over next time because we hit an abrupt halt at Chapter 17. So, we will see you next time for the last part of this MST. And then after that, who knows? Maybe I’ll bring a new guest on for the next fic.
DS: In the meantime, I’ll just link that RPG Maker project I shamelessly plugged! ...should I not?
G: I got in on the action when the fourth wall imploded last time, so up to you. That game seems pretty neat, but I haven't had time to play it, and by the time this goes up, thanks to timing I'll already have begun playing Pokémon Ultra Sun, with the likely side effect of causing a schedule slip...oh wait. Oops.

G: As I said at the start of this MST, it all comes to a screeching halt, just like Clockwork Catastrophe 3. And that reboot.
Welp. It was fun while it lasted. Aside from the HTML tag spam and me getting distracted with Pokémon Ultra Sun.
___________________
Chapter 16: A Ghost in the Machine

Derelict Factory, 8:45 PM
The lift lowered.
"Split up and find the statues." Sarah ordered.
They all rushed off. Frankenzoms, Sparkies and Voltrodes were ruined in their wake.

G: I don’t blame the fanfic for glossing over the first floor, it’s kinda boring.
DS: Boring, but it kept killing me for the longest time! Dangblasted turrets!

By the time they had finished, only a Static Deadnaught remained.

DS: That’s not finishing!

Sarah made quick work of it.

G: Then again, they’re really just Almirian Royal Guard reskins with a Grim Totem in them.

Then they reached the second level.
The unconscious knight woke up.
"Wh..where..am I?" He asked.
"It's hard to explain, but, we're in a derelict factory." Derek said.
Derek disabled the energy link and the knight was free.

G: I need a moment to rant.
Throughout this whole fanfic, characters suddenly pop in and disappear without any proper introduction or exit. As a result, we get rampant cast bloat which is something you do not want to do. I gave Clockwork Catastrophe 3 flak for this, and I’m giving A Knight’s Tale flak for it as well.

He walked over to the terminal.
It read, "help us". But when he checked the next part, it said "THE SITUATION HAS BEEN RESOLVED, PLEASE EXIT THE FACILITY".

G: And of course we steal dialogue from the level proper.

"What's your name?" Gale curiously asked.
"Er...I'm Maulos.." he responded, nervously.
"So Maulos was your name even before you became a Trojan." Kyle said.

G: ...UH...OH MY GOD!! HOLY MOTHER OF VANADUKE, WHAT IN THE NAME OF LOOTCIFER!?!
DS: Who names their kid Maulos?

"It was just so cold and dark back there...then these little horned creatures found me." Maulos explained.

G: No, that’s not inserted into the fanfic by current me, past me linked the wiki in a fanfic. I don’t think anyone has ever done that.

They walked on to another terminal.
Up ahead was Alpha Squad.
Kyle read out loud.
"They will kill us they will kill you....hm, curious." Kyle said.

DS: Nothing scares Kyle. Sarah has the observation skills, Ariel has the endurance skills, Kyle brings the not getting scared skills.

"Ah, you came! Quickly, get us up!" Grantz shouted.

G: No comment.

Derek ran over and helped up Grantz.
Then he got everyone else up.

G: Mind you, this was before Sparks of Life were a thing. You could revive people by sacrificing half of your health.

"There's no other monsters. Strange." Parma said.
They grabbed the key and opened another door.
"We already did one, now let's see what's back here." Euclid said, as the two squads walked through the mass of wires and broken metal.

G: How convenient that we avoid the other part. Disappointing.
DS: They left out the fake heart blocks? I mean, come on, that’s the part everyone remembers!

"A button!" Maulos pointed out on a wall. He ran over and pushed it.
"Maulos, we don't know what that does!" Ariel warned him.
But it was too late.

G: Oops.

They heard sounds of something powering up, and they turned to see screens turning on.

DS: Including the main screen. “How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us.”
G: Somebody set us up the battlepod.
DS: Move Skylark. For great justice.
G: Good god, we’ve lost the Skylark!

The light illuminated a gigantic battlepod.

G: How do they even know it’s a battlepod?
DS: its a pod and it battles things

Euclid ran over and read the print on the front.
"The Big Iron...looks tough." he said.
Then the eye turned on and looked at Euclid.
He jumped.

G: It didn’t like that. Also, why would you even run up to it? I regret retiring the sin counter, but at the same time, spamming (bad writing: characters acting stupid) is annoying.

"Yikes!" Parma shouted.
Part of the eyelid came down like an angry eye.

G: You mad?
DS: I wish Battlepods could make angry eyes.

A purple field surrounded it and bullets began spinning around it.
It began opening cannons on it's bottom and shooting everyone.

G: IT’S A LASER! IT’S A LASER! IT’S A LASE-*CLANG!*
DS: No, no, it’s cannons.
G: OW! Maybe it’s actually a Canon. In which case, we get a lot of unwanted photographs that we can’t delete because they’re all over the internet. Why’d you hit me with a truly immovable crowbar, anyway?
DS: I didn’t hit you with a steel girder. ...COFFEE CUP! Apologize.
Coffee Cup: no
DS: well ok
G: As far as I can tell, the coffee mug did not do it either. But then who was phone?

"Duck!" Sarah and Euclid shouted.

DS: “Goose!” Parma shouted, and then began chasing the Big Iron around the room.
G: And then somewhere in space and time, a writer playing a game of chess with his future self from five years later flipped the table.

The two squads ducked as Sarah got closer to The Big Iron.
When it stopped and the field went down, she quickly attacked it, and it shut down.

G: Did she make it BSOD or something?

Then it turned back on.
"This thing doesn't give up!" Rulen shouted, shooting some live wires with his Argent Peacemaker.

G: Of course, because it has three phases.
DS: I CUT WIRES WITH BOOLITS.

Then it stopped again. Sarah, Euclid and Maulos quickly bashed it.
It shut down again and turned back on.
This time it began discharging lightning on the arena, firing lasers and using it's live wires in an attempt to kill Alpha and Beta Squad.

G: Quick, hit it with a truly immovable crowbar!

However, it sacrificed it's shield, allowing the squads to destroy it.

G: Oh never mind, everyone just spams.
DS: Again, details! Destroy it with what? Alchemer spam? A Blitz Needle? An atomic bomb?
G: Don’t remind me...

It finally exploded in a grand explosion, bringing tons of metal down and dropping everyone into the Cargo Bay.

G: And so we find out Michael Bay may or may not have had something to do with this.

"Two missions solved. Now let's get some rest." Euclid said, and they walked off to Haven.

G: A normal work day for Euclid, apparently.
___________________
G: And then we get to the last, incomplete chapter.
___________________
Chapter 17: A Gauntlet of Beastly Proportions

Sarah walked through haven.
The night sky had a few stars and a moon.
She looked up at it.

G: She’s up late again…
DS: You’d think the Spiral Order would try to drill it into recruits that they need to get their rest. A tired Knight is a dead Knight.

"Things like these remind me that I'm shooting for greater goals. I really should shoot for them otherwise I'll get sidetracked. What I'm striving for is really the survival of the Spiral Knights. But even while backed by two squads, how can I do this?" She said.

G: You’re a Mary Sue, you’ll trash everything. Easy.
DS: With your unimaginable powers of observation, you will observe them to death! ...I have to make this joke at least one time an episode.

The next day was rough.
Running through the darkest part of the clockworks to reach the arena Vanaduke devised by himself was not easy.

G: No explanation as to why they’re trying to get to Almire.
DS: Or why all of a sudden the Gremlins installed a dimmer switch.
G: They’re headed to the deepest part of the Clockworks.

Very little light would actually get down there, best seen at the Core.
But the challenge that lied further was even harder.
Even two squads wasn't going to be enough.

G: Ahem, you’ve got the most competent squad of knights in SK canon proper and a whole ton of Mary Sues.

Maulos had joined Beta Squad as the technician.

G: Oh good, so he’s a permanent character. Nooooo!

Running to the entrance, they saw a small sign.
Reading it, they saw the words "The Gauntlet".

DS: They heard someone shout, “Blue Wizard needs food! Red Warrior shot the food! Blue Wizard needs food badly!”
G: And their wingman definitely was shouting “DIVE! DIVE! DIVE! HIT YOUR ‘BURNERS PILOT!!”
DS: So is this the part where we mention anything called a “Gauntlet” in any video game ever?
G: ...er, no.
DS: Dang. I wanted to make a reference that almost nobody would get.

They ran to the gate.
Maulos stared at the projectors.
"So we're facing Voltails and Quicksilvers. Prepare yourselves!" He said, reading the symbols.

DS: Little did he know that this was one of those arenas where 12 Greavers showed up to ruin everyone’s day.
G: Add in an assortment of Mecha Knights and you have a recipe for maximum salt.

They ran on the button, and countless enemies swarmed them.

G: Suddenly, the end.
DS: Way to end on a... high note?
___________________
G: That’s it? THAT’S ALL? WHAAAAAT!? This supposed to go on for thirty chapters!

I plan on making everything after that chapter much more interesting. Chapter 11 will have the twins battle, chapter 13 will have the five entering the Snarbolax shadow lair, battling the rabid snarbies(that's a songfic) and Chapter 14 will have Sarah fight a possessed Euclid in the unknown passage, and then finding the sanctuary in person, not in dream, chapter 15 is Heart of Ice, Chapter 16 is Ghosts in the Machine, Chapter 19 is Firestorm Citadel, and chapter 22 is the Grand Arsenal, and Chapter 25 is Legion of Almire, and Chapter 28 is Compound 42. Finally, Chapter 30 is an epilogue. Then I'll make a sequel.

DS: Well, err, halfway there. Right?
G: PAST ME, YOU ARE A SKELETON WARRIOR! Or maybe Cirno, since we did this MST in ⑨ parts.
DS: So, here ends this MST. From here on, we’ll have to find others whose observational skills are unmatched throughout the galaxy.
G: Where’s Jim Sterling, the greatest showman in games media when you need him?
...but yes, that is a wrap. I’m not sure if I’ll do a sixth before 2017 ends, and then after that, 2018 might be totally barren of MSTs from yours truly since I’ve run out of good items.
DS: Unless you want to MST my old stuff? If it’s bad enough? I did screw up at least a few times in my old material.
G: ...huh. Then again, I have more pressing matters that involved Nebby refusing to get in the bag and getting assimilated by the power of OW THE EDGE, so now Alola is in total chaos.
DS: Fair enough. Well, until next time, this is Doctor Spacebar, signing off! I’ll see you all on Machinauts, most likely after a stupid amount of delays.
G: Likewise. This has been Gatrnerd.

Thank you for reading.

this is awesome.

nuff said.

@Lordcalvinheins: Thanks! Unfortunately I ran out of good fanfics I had to MST.

On the other hand...I shall announce that I'm making a new SK fanfic that can be best described as "My Immortal with an SK flavor" which might result in some laughs on this dying MMO's forum.

In the meantime, I'm also working on porting the A Knight's Tale riff to Tumblr so I can have a mirror of that in case this thread gets blasted into the outer rim by the mods. In hindsight however, I regret that some of the riffings, the A Knight's Tale one in particular, turned into a mess of memes and references. I should've exercised some more self-restraint when it came to that.

EDIT: It's happening!